What Age for Independence?

I'm 18, still living at home, and I STILL have to at least tell my parents about what time i'll be home and text them if i'm going to be home any later than expected.

So... At 15, he needs to "remember" to tell you these things.

This is a huge sign of respect and also a safety issue. I raise my children to be very independent but when they are living in my house they will tell me what is going on. My daughter went to a concert once with her father, my x-husband, and I could not sleep until I heard the door open.

My daughters are 13 and 15 and they must let me know where they are at all times. It's not that they can't go, or really have to have permission, but I want to know where they are and what they're doing. For example, if they decide to stay after school for a club meeting or to watch a sporting event, I expect a phone call. If they're at a friends house and decide to go to the movies, I expect a phone call. This will be the rule in our house until they go off to college. It'll probably apply to when they are home for college breaks, only time will tell.

When they are no longer living in my home! My son is grown and on his own for many years, but I still appreciate it when he let's me know he's travelling and will be out of town etc. It isn't a matter of control, it is a matter of keeping the people who love you the most informed of your whereabouts. There could be a family emergency and one needs to be able to reach "the family".

If he's as smart and responsible as you say, just let him read some of the "mama responses".

Blessings.....

PS...You sound like a very loving and caring step-mom.

If the rule of your house is to let you and your husband know where your son is going, then, it will be a rule he has to follow until he leaves the house. Very simple. That is, when he is mature enough to pay his bills and live by himself in his own place.

Both my husband and I were expected to check in, and we plan on doing the same for our kids while they're in our house. At most, it's just respect and decency. I did it with my roommates. How else is someone supposed to know there's something wrong if they don't know when to expect you or where you are. My friend lives with her sister and they do it for each other. Just a simple note, or a text, etc. I think he has at least a few more years of checking in left! GL!

My parents never let us do that. even when we were 18 and 19 living at home, we had to give a full itinerary of what we were doing, where, in what order (like movies first, then restaurant or vice versa) and who we would be with, if at a house, we had to let them know parents would be home and they often called the parents to make sure. And when we came home for college breaks, that was still the rule, though it was slightly more relaxed.

As parents of an almost 15 yr old girl our philospohy, as was my parents 30 yrs ago, is when our daughter graduates HS at 18 and is on her own (in college) or supporting herself completely not in our house. is when I don't need to know where she is is. Sounds like your teen is testing the parental waters on this one and you need to be the captain who wins the regatta. I know at this age when they are a young person asserting their independence more and more they want to have more freedom which is fine, but rule #1 is tell us where you are if you are not at home or in school. In our opinion having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right and we got it for our daughter 1st to communicate with us and let us know where she is, not as a social networking tool. She is fully aware of this since we make it quite clear with her. She does call and texts friends of course, but knows that she must call us to inform us of any changes in preset plans after school or when participating in practices sports or at a friends. I often call to be sure she made it wherever and she know she must answer the cell when mom or dad call. Failure to do so means loss of phone. Every time my child would ever "forget" to call me the phone would be mine for at least 24-48 hrs. Today's world is not the safe place they think it is, just open the paper each day to see what is happening in your own city-Yikes. My daughter is not driving yet thankfully, but if I were a parent of a young person driving at 15-18 yrs old I would strongly consider getting one of those new GPS tracking chips that can be installed inconspicuously in a car. Some even track where the car is and the speed it is going at all times and records this. Again driving is a privilege, not a right as is having access to a car to drive that you havent bought and paid for. My child has never had any real behavior issues or been in trouble but at the 1st sign of lying I would clamp down. You need to let your son know this is an issue of responsibility and you are trying to teach him to soon be a responsible adult. Better get off the pulpit!

I wouldn't do this as an adult. Well, I take that back... as a SINGLE adult, living on my own, I did as I pleased, when I pleased. The moment I started living with people (aka not just room mates, but having a relationship where our lives intersected) common courtesy comes into play. I don't take off and not let people know where I am. As a married adult with a child, I have an obligation not to just "do my own thing". If what I'm doing impacts someone else, I let them know. AKA I don't call my DH and tell him I'm going to the store while he's at work. If he's at HOME though, I poke my head in and let him know I'm going to the store. Common courtesy. If it's BEYOND that (like enrolling in a class where I'm going to be gone, or having a girls night, or catching a flick) we talk about it. It's not about asking permission... it's about courtesy & awareness & kindness. If I need his help, then it's definitely asking... but that's about coordination.

On a larger scale... even though we're both adults... I'm close with my family. So we don't just "disappear". Even if it's just a phone call to my mum to let her know that DH & kiddo and I will be out of town for a week. And on a larger scale back when I was single... If I got orders to Florida or the Mideast... I would let my family & other people I loved know where I was.

I've noticed a LOT of teenagers think of themselves as children. That they don't realize that we ALL check in with the people we love and who love us. A good example of this is for a parent to "disappear". You know, go out for the day without telling them. The teenager gets home, there's no one there, they aren't back for dinner... they don't answer the cell... then they come home late that night (or even the next day!). Many kids can get this verbally, some though actually need it to happen to understand. It's not about control, it's about love & trust & knowledge. Ditto.. how would they feel if their best friend or girlfriend/boyfriend took off without letting them know? It's human interaction... the people we care about, we have a deep seated need to know that they are okay. AND we don't want to be sitting around wasting our time waiting for them, when we could have been doing something else!!

My kids aren't teens yet. But the rule for us was to always call home and let mom/dad know where we were going and what time to expect us back. This was until we were grown and moved out.

I recall one New Year's Eve I was out with my fiance and we went post-midnight bowling, then the car broke down... I called home at midnight about the bowling, then again at 3am about the car, because I knew she's rather be woken (if she was sleeping) to know what was going on than waking up and worrying. I was engaged and pretty much adult at the time (but still living at home). That's just what the expectation was - it shows respect for others in the home.

Seems like everyone agrees on this one! Our rule for our 18 year old (heading to college in the fall) and 20 year old (living at home for the summer) is 24 hour notice is they will miss dinner or not sleep at home (just for the record, this is for the 18 year old staying at her friend's house). When they are not living at home, they don't have to tell us. My husband and I also tell them via the calendar when we will not be home for dinner or have other plans.

I agree with others that it's common courtesy.

As for "forgetting" to call, then there needs to be consequences - if they "forget" to tell us, they don't go. If they go without telling us, then the next time they don't go. If there aren't any consequences to "forgetting" to tell you, he'll keep forgetting.

he's definitely testing you, and you are being very reasonable in requesting that he call.

After they're 18 and no longer in the house! As long as they are still children, you are responsible for them. Plus, I think it's just common courtesy to let you know where they will be. How are we moms to know when to start worrying if we don't know where they are in the first place?!!! :) I have an almost-16 year old doing the same thing. I think at this stage they like to test the boundaries and see how far they can push, but they still need those boundaries...

I agree with what the other responses I read said...It's never appropriate to let a teenager run around without letting you know where they are. When I was a teen, I even had to call my mom before I left anywhere so she would know how long it should take me to get home. Granted we lived 45 miles from the closest movie theater, bowling alley, etc, so she needed to know in case we got a a flat tire on the way home or something and she needed to come "rescue" us (which she did a couple of times when my car or my brother's car broke down). Someone should ALWAYS no where you are, adult, teenager, small child...it doesn't matter. Someone should know where you are going, with whom, and when you should be expected home. It's a safety issue, not one of age. Even as a college student I let my mom know if I was going somewhere on the weekend. Not to ask permission, but just so someone knew.
I would just explain to your son that it's a matter of courtesy to you, so you don't worry about him when he's not home on time, and a matter of safety for him. So if something happens, you know where to find him if you need him or if he needs you. It's just good sense.

I beleive that who ever is paying the mortgage payments has the right to make the rules for whoever is living under that roof rent free. My family says after high school graduation you get a job, start paying your own rent, and untilities. I don't think it's too much to ask for your teen to check in. 15 isn't an adult age at all- don't worry you aren't being too hard!

When I lived at home, I let my Dad know where I was going to be and who would be with me. It is just common courtesy, as others have said here, and my Dad expected me to act like the responsible young adult that I wanted to be treated like. Even now, when I go home to visit, if we are staying at his house, I give him the courtesy of letting him know where we are and if we aren't going to be around for the evening or a meal or whatever. The same rule will apply when my daughter is a teen until she leaves my house and is living on her own. I never tested this limit - but my stepbrother did and he regretted it; he pulled the stunt one too many times and ended up grounded for most of the summer when my parents were not able to find him for hours and it was past his agreed upon curfew.

I don't have a teenager yet, but as long as we were living with my parents my brother and I had to check in and let them know what we were doing and how late we would be. Before we graduated High school we had a curfew and we had to get permission before we went anywhere. I know that I will either be as strict or stricter when it comes to my children, with the change in our country and the more bad things out there closer to home, I am already stricter with my kids than my parents were. I think you are being very reasonable.

lol I still call my parents or someone from my side of the family when my hubby and I have plans. Its just a good idea for someone other than the group of people you are with know where you are at. It was expected of us to ask or tell when we changed locations until we moved out. So while we could go from a friends house to the pool my parents never had to hunt us down they knew where we were at. I dont see the problem with that cell phones or not heck that makes it easier on kids these days. If you expect him to call he should call end of story. Once you no longer have to ask this question it will be ok for him not to call anymore. Because you will be comfortable with it.

For me, it was about 17 with my daughter, 16 with my son, although I still check in with them here and there. At your son's age, my daughter kept "forgetting," or conveniently not hearing her phone when I would try to get ahold of her, and I told her she'd better start hearing her phone or I was going to take it away. Whaddayaknow, she started hearing her phone.

It's hard at first, but it's a gradual transition -- you become more comfortable with longer periods of time not hearing from them; you don't need to know where they are EVERY minute of the day.

Ahhh to be young again... your parents are so dumb and they just don't get it LOL. As far as my parents were conserned if we were sleeping in there house they needed to know where we were going and when to be expected home. When I was 17 I told my mom it was time to cut the strings and she said not as a parent but as a room mate it is good to let others know your not going be there so they can make plans as well. This made me feel more adult and got my parents the information they needed to know: I where I was and when they should expect me home.

My 21 year old son is coming home this week from the Navy and we expect it from him. My husband and I also let each other know when we are not in the house and he lives in VA while I am trying ot sell this house here in NC. t's what you do. Take away what he loves the most, cell, gaming system, computer, friends, ground him. Then have him do lots of chores.
He is a teen and summer is here. Not that that is an excuse but they all lose their heads about this time every year. Stick to your guns.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. I imagine your son realizes that, but he has turned off his brain for the summer or he's just testing the boundaries again. Actually, it sounds as if he has a lot of freedom. The reason you have to keep at least one tab on him is because teenagers' brains fall out with devastating ease. They do a lot of acting without thinking (am I saying anything you don't know? Didn't think so) and that can be disastrous after half a second. That's why he still needs you. That's why he needs to check for permission.

But when he doesn't need permission any more, the communication goes on. You could let him know that this is a preparation for adult life, too. Maybe once in a while we grownups can do what we please when we please without giving anyone else the slightest thought - but not very often! Contrary to what kids may think, college and apartment roommates, spouses, parents, friends, neighbors, employees, employers, and co-workers inform the necessary people of *their* plans - where they're going and when they'll be back. It's called... courtesy!

As a minor, it is NEVER ok to run around town without your parents knowing who you are with and where you are. As the parent, you are responsible for that child! Not to mention the fact, it is common respect to let people you live with know where you are (even if it isn't a parent/child relationship). How are you supposed to know if there is a problem? How are you supposed to know when to expect them back? Etc.

Independence is one thing, disrespect is another. Your child needs to ok his whereabouts with you - period.

Now, that being said, if he is out and stops by Burger King to grab a burger on his way to his approved destination, I wouldn't get too worked up. If he stopped by his girlfriend's house for an hour when her parents aren't home on his way to his approved destination then he is starting to push the boundaries. He is also putting himself in an inappropriate situation, which is why he has parents to help guide him in these situations.

Stick with it sister, he can have total independence when he is and adult and living on his own, for now, he is your responsibility.

Good luck, teens are hard!