I have question: my one and only son will be getting married and they are paying for the wedding themselves. My husband and I offered to help them so we are paying for the Rehearsal Dinner on top of that giving them some more money to help them out. Her parents also gave them a certain amount money. Now this is where my dilemma comes in my son works with his uncle and I know within the last 4 years they have become close to the fact that sometimes my brother thinks that is his son. Where do you draw the line in reference to him and his wife also giving money to my son's wedding. Now my sister-in-law has also been invited by the bride to come along for the searching of her wedding dress with her bridesmaid's, the bride's mother and maid of honor. As a good gesture I will be providing a limo for that day so we are able to enjoy ourselves and this is when I found out my sister in law was part of this plan. Should I just ignore it? I do like my sister in law it's just sometimes I feel they think my son is their son. Please Help!
First of all I would like to Thank everyone for their input to my question. There were some I didn't agree with and other's I did however I did take all into account. The day started wonderful and we all enjoyed each other's company. There was slip from my sister-in-law stating our future DIL and her had already visited a certain place to try on wedding dresses about 3 months prior. Our future DIL mother looked at me in astonishment and asked me if I knew anything about that, my reply was "no". I think she was more surprised that I was however I just basically told her this was the real deal based on because we are here. Her daughter did pick out a dress which she looked absolutely gorgeous. So again THANK YOU everyone's input was greatly appreciated and I took a piece of advice from every single comment. I may have more questions because of the fact that this is our only child and it's all new to us.
Relax and enjoy the wedding!
Have a few stiff drinks and enjoy the fact that you have raised a child to adulthood and he and his bride are loved by many!
Oh for the love of crying out loud. This is the way I interpreted your post (I've re-written it to make it clearer for you):
"Help. My son is loved by lots of family members. He's such a great kid that many family members want to help give him a beautiful wedding and get him and his fiancee off to a lovely start in their married life.
Now, to make things worse, the bride is also loved by her new family-to-be and is welcoming and including lots of family members in the special events surrounding this wedding.
How do I deal with this horror? Please help me change things so that everyone's fighting and left out and my son and his fiancee have to choose whom not to invite to their wedding because of jealousy and bitterness. Please give me advice about how to exclude people and end these supportive and loving relationships. How could I have gone so wrong, to raise a child who is so capable of blatant love and kindness?
I can't stand all this getting-along and generosity and love. If there's anyone whose family is not speaking, whose feelings were hurt by being left out of special family times, please tell me how I can arrange those circumstances in my own family."
Yeah. Maybe someone will hold some kind of fundraiser for you as you deal with this tragedy. What a dilemma. I'm sobbing now.
Your son is blessed to have so many good people in his life that truly care enough that they want to help pay for the wedding and participate in the planning.
My advice...let it be, and don't be jealous. I assure you your son knows you are his mother. To try to draw lines or exclude his aunt and uncle would not reflect positively on you at all.
They are giving money to your son, it really is none of your business. So yeah, just ignore it.
It's not about who pays for what. Let your brother and his wife chip in for anything they want. Most like she was invited along for dress shopping because the bride thinks of her as a friend or maybe she dropped hints about wanting to be included.
Your brother and his wife might be close with your son but no matter what you are your son's mama and you are special. Believe me I can't wait to be the mother of the groom because I'm going to be the mother of the bride for the second time shortly and it's a bit of work and a lot of stress.
Where do you draw the line? You don't. If they off money towards the wedding or not, that is between them, your son, and his fiance. Since they are paying for and planning their own wedding.
It's nice that you are providing a limo for the searching of the dress. Since this is about the bride, it's up to her whom she invites to come along.
I'm sensing your issue is that you may feel like you are not being honored as the "Mother of the Groom" and feel you are sharing that role with you SIL (whom you don't care for). Try to take a step back...this is about your son and future daughter in law...try to see it as a blessing that they have so many wonderful people who love them and are helping celebrate their upcoming wedding (to hopefully set the stage for a long and happy marriage).
I would not be drawing any lines.
I would be thankful (and appreciative) that my child had a close relationship with his aunt and uncle. Not many people have that type of closeness with relatives.
Are you upset that you didn't go dress shopping?
Be thankful for the relationship both your son and soon to be wife have with your SIL and brother. Move forward with whatever you planned to do money wise and the limo is a very nice gesture. Include everyone in this special day. No reason so single out SIL... I am sure she is not trying to be the MIL... just supportive.
Keep in mind that this is not about you. It is your son and his bride's day.
Congratulations to your son. I wish I had that much emotional support from my family.
Let it go.
No O. can have too many people that love them or shower them with attention.
Grace. And generosity. Is how you handle it.
And it's not your concern if your sons uncle & aunt want to give them $ toward their wedding. That's no ones business but those 4.
You will always be his parents--his one an only mom and dad! I think it is awesome that he is close to your brother and his wife! Don't get your feelings hurt--just let it be.
Would you rather have a family that doesn't speak--there are plenty of those!
May I kindly suggest that it's not your business? And it's not your line to draw.
Elena B., above -- Wonderful!!
what do you propose? forbidding your brother and his wife from giving money? nixing their participation in the dress-shopping, even though your future DIL has actually invited them?
how do you honestly think that will appear to your son and his new wife?
jealousy is unbecoming.
khairete
S.
AC,
Welcome to mamapedia!!
I'm sorry - but it's NOT your wedding. She can invite whoever she wants to invite.
What is your problem with your son having an uncle who GENUINELY loves him AND is involved in his life?! There is no line for YOU to draw. This is your son's life. And who HE chooses to let in to it.
IF your brother and his wife want to contribute to your son's wedding? It's NUNYA thing...like NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...it's NOT your money and you can't dictate what others do with THEIR money.
Why are you letting this bother you? Your son and his bride to be are surrounded by people who are ACTIVE in their lives and LOVE them...I would be REJOICING that my son had an uncle who wanted to participate and not just be on the sidelines!! (my brother is in California, we are in DC...when we do get together - my brother has a blast with his nephews).
Any way, you need to get your nose back in line - you've got it out of joint over nothing - in my opinion. Take a step back and watch the love...no one can ever have too much love!!
My kids love and trust all of my siblings, and they treat them as though they are their own. They love them, discipline when needed, and just be there for them - of course they get to play more of the fun role. However, if any of them wanted to partake in these events I would LOVE it.
I can actually guarantee you my two sister-in-laws-to-be (one getting married next September and one hopefully getting engaged soon) would be invited to my daughter's wedding dress shopping day. I can put money on that now, and she is 11.
Consider yourself lucky. My mom's sister won't even talk to any of us and my dad's sister lives 1000 miles away...I have never gotten any of this from my aunts/uncles and I think it's awesome.
This is about your son and future DIL. I understand you are upset, but they aren't trying to upstage you or dim your importance. I think it's awesome that you have a loving and supporting family (not everyone has that). Count your blessings.
Your soon to be daughter in law selected those SHE wanted to participate in dress selection. It's her wedding dress and she can choose whomever she desires. Neither my mother or mother in law were there when the planning of my wedding dress occurred. I wasn't interested in the drama or the possibility of drama.
You need to deal with your own negative thoughts and emotions before you ruin your relationships with your son, his new wife, your brother and your sister in law.
As others have said, your son will be your son for life. No one can change that but you can be so overwhelmed with jealousy and envy that you can destroy your relationship with them all. So please stop and get some help. Your son is blessed to have relatives that love him and back it up with their actions and your blessed he has choosen a woman to marry that is trying to be inclusive of her new family even before the marriage.
AC, These are your feelings. You can feel anyway you want.
But keep this in mind. This is not about you.
I promise no one is trying to steal your sons love. No one ever could.
What a wonderful family that love your son so much.
Many of us out here can tell you , we have the opposite problem. Very close relatives that do not show their affection for our children,.
I would much rather have our daughter surrounded by as many people as possible adoring her, cheering her on a supporting her, than have relatives who are indifferent or even worse, play favorites with the other children in the family leaving out your child.
This is what I have had to witness and it is pretty heartbreaking. Especially to my husband who can forgive his family for treating him this way, but not the way they have treated our daughter.
Hi Mama, Please don't let this type of thinking ruin your joy. Sounds like you raised a great son who is surrounded by love and support. Jealousy is a natural feeling but not worth feeding it through ongoing negative thoughts. Enjoy! You are his Mama and no one can change that fact.
Be happy he has so many people that love him. Enjoy the whole experience!
Hi A C,
It is nice that you have such a wonderful brother to look after your child like his own. As much as it hurts you, try to share the love of your children.
I always look at my friends who take their nieces and nephews into their own home to raise as there own for various reasons. Sometimes it is to enjoy the freedom of America, sometimes to enjoy the freedom of a safe or drug free home. In any event, everyone knows you are the mother of the groom and mom comes first.
I understand your feelings. It would annoy me too. I think perhaps talking to your brother about it, not to vent and chew him out, but to thank him for loving your son and being such a good example to him.
Your brother seems to be treating him right and loves him as family should. I do think he should consider your feelings somewhat but he spends more time with your son than you do, he sees him every day and depends on him for results.
I do think that you need to try and get a bigger view of this. Perhaps your feelings are a bit miffed because you aren't contributing more to the wedding and stuff.
Please try to smile and see the wedding dress situation as one where you can make or break the joy. If you ever watch any of the wedding dress TV shows you'll notice the mother of the bride can set the mood for the entire party. The sister in law might be doing this too if the bride to be is closer to her than you. She may look to her first. Let that go please, she can choose her friends.
Mother in laws can get a bad wrap, just let her set the mood. If she likes a dress smile and nod. If she doesn't like it indicate she looks lovely in everything. She needs support and not that she looks awful in something.
I see so many brides on those shows who look terrible in a particular style and every one really jumps on it and the bride can be in tears.
There can never be too many people loving your child or too much monetary donations for wedding. Just be proud that so many people love the person you created and raised. You must have done a good job. Kudos, mom!
I agree with Cheryl B. I was thankful for any and all help when my daughter got married. My nephew sent roses from Ecuador. My ex mother in law paid for the wedding cake. My dad bought the wine. I think it made everyone happy and they all felt involved and all got to show love to this special person. It is your issue.
As much as you feel "left out" it is the day of the bride and her family. You are acknowledged as parents of the groom but that is about it.
I say this from my personal experience of my son's wedding. Yes I wanted to be included but realized it is not my day it is his bride's day. My future DIL kept me in the loop as much as she could. I was in and out of hospitals with my husband the groom's dad. We traveled to their home the day prior to the wedding instead of two days prior as hubby had a medical treatment that was necessary so I was kind of left out of the mani/pedi party.
The day of the wedding was very beautiful and it was set in a garden at a nursery that had several spots that they rented out for weddings. So set back and enjoy the ceremony and the day and be appreciative that there are people who do love your son and would do anything for him.
Once again it is not your day it is your son's. Don't rain on the parade.
the other S.
PS In the next year or so I will be the mother of the bride and have all the headaches and such. Her dream wedding is to go to Las Vegas and do a hotel special so a lot of my planning will be done and I can enjoy the day. The only stressful thing I may have is the making of the gown.
