We Can't Eat in Public with Our Child Anymore

Z. if you ever need a night out for the 2 of you give me a call i have a 4 year old son here is my number give me a call ###-###-####

C.

I feel your frustration, but I happen to believe that fine dining and small children rarely mix well. I empathize with your inability to line up a babysitter, but in my opinion, there are times when you will have to choose.

I'm going to say something very unpopular, but I happen to agree with with certain establishments who restrict small children. As frustrated as you were, imagine how the other patrons felt, having to experience your child's meltdown.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or to use guilt on you, it's just a statement. If you spent $75 on wine alone and your child (whom you love dearly) ruined the evening, imagine how others sitting near you felt.

I'm just saying, (as a parent of 3), it's in EVERYONE's best interest (the next time you want an adult evening)to find a sitter.

I can imagine that was disappointing for you. However, I firmly believe that you can 'restaurant train' your child so that the family can dine in peace.

Start by going to a nicer place in the middle of the afternoon for appetizers or a light meal. The key is that you won't be there very long, and the restaurant (hopefully) won't be too busy. Avoid popular chain restaurants where many parents let their children run wild and misbehave, as if the kid is in the living room of their own home. You don't need your child to witness this poor behavior that the parents allow.

Since she's 20 months old, you will likely need to keep her entertained and/or distracted with a toy or item, but during this time you can help her understand dining rules, behavior, and etiquette. Play imitation games that demonstrate manners and appropriate behavior, and even role play with your husband using lots and lots of please pass me the...thank you for passing me the...Give her LOTS and lots of praise for the things you want her to be doing and redirect, be consistent with behaviors that are not desirable and follow through with consequences. You could even try a gimmick like, "if you behave well we can stop for dessert after/you will get a sticker/you can have extra special girl time with mommy, etc." If you have to pick up and leave in the middle of the meal, do not think twice about it. And do NOT give the reward if she doesn't behave.

My response after reading your post was exactly what Rachel K. articulated perfectly. I know it can be so frustrating when you want to do things so perfect as a family or as a couple. But kids are young for so short and now is probably not the ideal time (with no sitters and family) to do the fine dining thing. Maybe you can find a nice place to include your child (if that's what you choose to do) and is much much more chilled and casual/child friendly? I can say I have never fine dined since my daughter was born but there are so many other ways to do a romantic sweet dinner with your husband. Again, I do feel your frustration. We learned our lesson the one and only time we tried doing a romantic night out. Some things just do have to wait...

I'm sending hugs your way!!

I had a very "spirited" child at that age too, who often made me want to pull my hair out!

Here are some tips that I've learned along the way....

-Always have "goodies" in your purse or diaper bag- both to play with and to eat!

Cheap plastic bangle bracelets from the dollar store, little cardboard baby books, Barrel of Monkeys or something else to link together, crayons and paper (little colored squares of paper can be fun), clothespins (pin then all over her shirt to distract her!), a small plastic cup or to turn upside down and hide things under, pipecleaners that you can bend into various shapes for her, a small puppet, etc. Mix up what you bring each time. This is also a great way to distract when you have to wait at a dr's office, etc.

Foodwise- toddlers get impatient waiting for the food to come. Bring along a few snacks- some very very thin slices of apple or chopped grapes, some Cheerios, etc.

Also, if she's always "off the hook" in the behavior dept, you might want to look into food allergies. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I found out my daughter was sensitive to food dyes- particularly Red #40 and Yellow #5. We eliminated these from her diet (it takes up to 10 days to completely get them out of the body!!!) and she is a whole different CALMER child. I wish I had known sooner and saved myself LOTS of grief.

And remember, she won't be little forever. In a year or two you will look back and say, "Oh my gosh- do you remember that birthday when....." and smile. Everyone says this, but it's true!

M.

sounds about right! my son is 30 mo and we still have our moments. i just try to always have tons of things for him to do at the table---his favorit cars, crayons and paper, books to read. sometimes i will also bring a small tub of playdoh, i make sure to have one of those plastic table covers with me and some little cutters. or i will buy a stash of cheap toys ($1 section at target kind of stuff) adn every time we go out i take out a new toy. our last resort is our portable dvd player. you might be against tv at dinner, but trust me, it has been such a lifesaver and hubby and i have been able to enjoy many a dinner this way. we only let him watch when we are out and he absolutely impossible.

Dear Z.,
Your daughter's behavior tonight sounds typical of a 20 month old! I know how frustrating it can be. We have an extremely exhubarent, forceful 2.5 year old boy who's behaved about a million times worse for us than what you are describing. Take some deep breathes, get some sleep and realize that the terrible 2s are upon you. Things are not going to get easier for quite a while. Forget about expensive restaurants. Let me offer you some advice: put your little girl to bed, open a very nice bottle of wine, cook a nice dinner together in the kitchen with your husband & enjoy it without worrying about other people in a restaurant or your daughter or whatever. If you don't like to cook, then order in from someplace nice for special occasions. After a few evenings like this, you'll prefer them over the chaos of trying to go out: ) And as she gets a little bit older, try going to inexpensive mexican or thai restaurants where the food arrives very quickly. Bring toys and books for her to play with, crayons... and be prepared to take turns taking her on walks outside or around the restaurant. You can't expect a 20 month old to sit still while you have a nice long meal. (But oh how I wish we could expect that!) For now, seriously, you need to just anticipate this kind of behavior. And also, from our experience, mornings are best for meals out. by dinnertime, forget it. Even an early lunch can work, but as you approach midday nap time, look out. A tired child will behave even worse. As frustrating as a toddler can be, you have to just be amazed by how quickly they are discovering their world. good luck!

Z.,

I can sympathize. Last year on my birthday, my husband and I ate in shifts at a restaurant while the other sat in the car with my son who would not behave that night. Luckily, my Mother-In-Law was with us so we had someone to keep us company.

You have already gotten some good suggestions. I have a couple more. I have a stash of quiet toys that my son only plays with when we go out. When I am shopping I am always on the lookout for something quiet we can bring along. Also, If you can find a restaurant with something going on,that can help. For example, at Joe's Crab Shack the wait staff stops to dance periodically and my son loves to watch the activity.

Hang in there. It will get better.

As a mom of now four boys I have always taken them out to eat in sit down restaurants and have found to come prepared for everything and not to give up on taking them out. I always bring lots for them to do from coloring books to trains to portable dvds. Now that three of them are older I bring books or word finds for them to do. They all (the youngest is only 2 weeks so too early to really say all of them!) behave quite well anywhere we go. But every kid (as well as parents!) have bad days. I would also suggest if you are not familiar with the menu to call and see what they have to eat for the little one. Then tell her a story about how you are going to go eat at the restaurant and how she should behave. But don't give up!! My sister did not take her daughters anywhere out until they were older and now they don't know how to behave when they go out to eat. My mom says she'd rather take all 3 of the boys to one of her girls! Also as a waitress I have seen so many teenagers (even some adults!) who have no idea how to act at a nice restaurant.

I know it sucks! We have tried feeding her before we go out and then we order her ice cream to come with our dinner so she is happy for a while, and I always bring toys ( not too many) I have found that the less choices the better,,,,just whatever she is into at the moment. Good Luck!

Hello Z.,

Oh man, I feel bad for you. But yep, that's how it is. My son is 5 1/2 and he's just becoming good at restaurants (he'll sit tolerating the fact that he has to sit until we're done when he just wants to get up and run around; they're kids). We couldn't go out either from about age 1 1/2 till just recently. You're not alone. It sucks but I took it as part of parenting. I'm in Chicago (north side) if you want to meet or talk to see if I could babysit. I just had a new baby he'll be one month on Friday. Sorry for your husband's ruined b'day dinner; but definately get a sitter and you two will be able to enjoy that bottle of wine.

Oh, you have no idea how glad I am see we are not the only one's, although I am sorry to welcome you to this club. My little girl was an angel uo until 13mo (Happy through a 3 hr meal at Wildfire!). Now, we go to a restaurant, and she is ok for the first 15min. After than, she squirms, screams, and wants to run around. We have given in to carry out, or quick meals at semi-restaurants (Panera).
Good luck! i look forward to seeing the responses you get!!

My only suggestion, and something I am trying to do myself, is a babysitting swap. If you can find another mom that would like some nights out as well you could arrange, maybe 1-2 nights per month, to watch each others child so that the other couple can go out. It will help in terms of scheduling and cost.I know it is so frustrating that sometimes toddlers can't get through one dinner without melt downs. We know they can't help it but it is still infuriating.

We went through this phase around 18 months with our daughter. I relegated us to chain restaurants (hate!) until it was over. I'd say we recovered arouned 22 months and she is now 4 and is like a little grown up dining out. Good luck!!

(I think under the new law, to dispel drunk driving, they can cork your bottle to take home)

Oh, I'm sorry! You poor thing. It usually does work better if you go that early - how sucky that this wasn't meant to be for you guys tonight.

We only go out about twice a year [together, without kids, I mean - we obviously get out separately and with them more than that] because we're in the same situation - no family around and although I hint around, I haven't been able to find anyone willing to trade. Our most reliable babysitter is $11/hour now (just raised her rates) but the teenager/college student babysitters have limited availability. One week we had a wedding (an hour away, ceremony + reception) and a big night out with friends on following weekends. $170 in babysitting in one week! It definitely makes it hard to enjoy a night out at those prices.

Our kids are actually ok in restaurants, although I wouldn't take them fine-dining. We go to neighborhood places with table service, but not fancy, with them. Some visits are better than others. At 20 months, there's not really much you can do except pick the right time of day (which you did.)

One thing we've done is to order really nice carryout food and open a bottle of wine, light a candle, and have a little romantic picnic after the kids are in bed.

Hi Z.,

I hope that this morning you are doing much much better. Dont worry I think all of us go thru the same thing at one point or another. I feel so bad for you that you dont have any family here to help you on moments like this. I guess I should be greatfull for all of my family :) There is no solution for this I think I go thru that with my daughter all the time.

I think this is a very good group of Moms why dont you ask one of us. I dont know were you live but now that I am pregnant I will be home most of the time in the afternoons. I will love to help you out with you daughter. I know that we all need a break. Please feel free to email me I will be able to babysit so you and your husband can go and celebrate his B-Day in a better way thanks and good luck.
____@____.com

Z.,
Wow... this sounds familiar. When Ava was 5 mos old, my husband and I took her to NYC. She was so good and we were really proud, we really thought that we had this parenting thing figured out. Now that she is bigger we've realized that eating out takes careful planning. First off, I give her a snack so that she isn't starving when we get to the restaurant. Secondly, she has a toy that she only plays with when we're out (that way it stays interesting)...nothing expensive just something engaging. Usually we go out early so that we can avoid getting too close to bedtime.
But... if you really want to get out and enjoy yourself you should focus your efforts on finding a babysitter. I am a full-time nanny and my employer found me by an ad that I had listed on craigslist. Also, sittercity.com is a great website to use if you would like to find someone for occasions. I have a fantastic babysitter that is always looking for jobs. She lives in Homer Glen. Or... you could appeal to a mamasource mom and see if maybe you could "trade" babysitting. Each of you watches the others' children.

Hang in there, this will pass. You have a beautiful, charming, well- mannered little girl in there, you just have to wait for her to come out.
Best of Luck!
PS if you live near Homer and would like to contact my babysitter please let me know.

This month's issue of Parents features an article and Ad for a book called The Spirited Child...Looks Great and is certainly better terminology than the old "Strong-willed Child" they used in the earlier days! LOL But Honestly, you don't want to just resort to the baby sitter approach. Be merciful to yourself and her and keep working on all the options. She may have multiple issues creating the behavior and she will outgrow them while you are working on them individually! :o) XO L.

We avoid restaurants too, with my 2 year old. It's just not worth the hassle and stress, and no one can really enjoy themselves. We carry out. If we do have to go eat out, we bring along toys and a portable DVD player, which has been a godsend. But they only work for so long, and we have to end up leaving quickly.

But overall, these situations are avoidable. It's a temporary phase, and one day your child will be able to eat with you calmly.

For now, you're in the same boat we all are in with our toddlers, when it comes to dining out.