Use of the Word "NO"

Perhaps you should let her know why she won't share her toys because that is not nice and not punish her for saying "no", there will be times when she will need to say "no" and not be afraid to do so. Remember, she is just learning and things need to be explained so that she knows why things are done.

Get over it. She's two and a half, still a baby. It won't be long until she picks up another word and works it to death. Just be careful what you say around her, because the word you don't want her to use is the one she'll pick up. That's part of being a parent.

It's great you recognize that this is her time to exert her independence with her "No.", and that this is normal. Managing our own emotions, especially the judgements ("ugly") and your upset, is our job as effective parents. The less reaction she sees, the less you pay attention to the no, the better. Dr. T Berry Brazelton's book, Touchpoints 0-3, is a great resource.
One way to begin to shift this from happening all the time is to offer your daughter a conversation that most often can't get a yes or no answer. That's called an open conversation. Examples are, "Which would you like to to first, ____ (her name): take a bath or brush your teeth?" "Which toy will you pick up now, _____, the bear or the ball?" Having choices is a great growth and development opportunity for her at this age of burgeoning independence, and it can lessen the automatic, "No". Stay with the conversation, even if she says no, with a playful statement like, "That's not the answer to the question, silly!", and then repeat the question. Acknowledge with a smile, a comment, or a touch when she cooperates or you notice she's speaking affirmatively. Good luck!

I myself have never heard this but I was wondering if it was a coincidence because my middle son did not crawl, he went from laying around not causing any trouble to standing/running and never sat still after that. It was almost 1 1/2 before he decided to make his move. We had him tested and the doctor kept saying he is a content and lazy child. He also was ADHD and dyslexic. I never thought that mattered however I had read that if they do not crawl it interfers with their coordination. I never believed that because CAsey was very athletic and could run faster then anyone I had ever seen. He went to state every year for track. He also accomplished more in his 22 years in life then I could even imagine doing so lazy part was wrong also. Casey was killed in Iraq and has a daughter who lives with us. She also is ADHD, never crawled, but is not dyslexic. If they are dyslexic signs will show up early. Good luck but ADHD and dyslexia does not interfer with having a great child it just adds adventure on how to teach them and raise them, but life is a challenge at any gambit.

It's funny you would mention this. This was a big problem and still is on occassion. When I used to work in daycare, we were not allowed to say "NO" to the children. We also were not supposed to say anything "negative" to the children. So, what in the world do you say when they are doing something that they are not suppose to do???????
"I'm sorry, but what you are doing is dangerous. You need to do something else"!! If a child bit another, we could not say "NO BITING" but instead, "we use our teeth for food, you hurt my friend and it made her sad".
My point is that when I got the job, my son was not even two yet and another one was on the way. Working in daycare (even for just a little while, not only helped me better deal with having two children, but also retrained me before things got carried away (ie. NO). You just have to "re-train" yourself to stop using the word "NO". If your DD is using the "NO" word (ie, "please get in the shower?" "NO") then you need to tell her "when you say that it really makes me sad". Also, stop giving her "YES and NO" questions. This worked with my son so that when I asked him to do something, there was not a choice of "NO". (ie, "do you want red or green?", "it's time for you to get in the shower so we can get ready for bed") I found that with my son, 5 and now my daughter, 2, If I give them a "choice" I need to respect their answer. If I don't want to hear "no" as the answer, I don't ask them "yes or no" questions. (You need to get into the shower so we can get ready for bed....NO..... I didn't ASK you if you wanted to, I told you we need to get this done, please get in the shower, now) {instead of "would you like to take a bath?"}
Kids get plenty of chances for choices, but they also need to learn that sometimes, we don't get a choice.
It does take a while to train them to not say "no" anymore, but if you are vigilant about changing the way you say things and take it out of your vocabulary as much as possible, if they don't hear it, they wont say it (usually).
Also, when my son tells me something in an UGLY way, I stop him and tell him "what is a different way you could tell me to do that?" and he will say "mommy, can you please not do that". Now, he even catches himself and will stop and re-phrase the way he says something on his own.

Good luck, I know it's not easy.

Just an idea... It might be helpful if, during this phase, both you and your husband refrain from telling her "No" and communicate the same message with other words, like:

"That behavior is unacceptable!"
"Big girls do not act that way!"
"Absolutely not!", etc.

And a little tip, if you do say no to her, add mam and sir to it... "No mam", "no sir". Its an easy way to get them to politely mimic the phrases they hear the most.

Keep doing what you're doing. Don't let her get away with it. My son is a late bloomer too. We're having the same difficulty. My other two did the same thing, just earlier. Just don't give in. It is very disrespectful and when she does it to someone else it will horrify you. So, keep up the good work.

In my many years of working with toddlers and preschoolers, I have learned that you do not ask a question where yes or no is the only answer. Give your child a choice - do you want to take a bath in 5 minutes or 10 minutes - then set a timer. You can pick up your toys so we can go to the store or I will put them away for 2 days. Her understanding is far more developed then her language so she will pick up the choice idea quickly - especially if you follow through (putting toys up for 2 days). Giving choices helps a child to cooperate and keeps you sane and in charge.

M.,
My daughter went through this stage and I thought I was going to go nuts! My babysitter's mother (treated my daughter like a granddaughter) taught my daughter to say "No, thank you", instead of just a flat out "NO!"
Somehow, hearing a simple "No, thank you" kept me from hearing defiance and allowed me to just listen to my daughter.
My parenting classes recommended saying yes where at all possible, and giving options instead of asking a question where a flat no could be the answer.
My daughter is now 26, married with a 17 month old wild child daughter (already saying no...) and a baby boy due in March.
I was a single parent from the time my daughter was 18 mo and now am a retired thrilled NaNa to my son's boy and care giver to my daughter's soon to be 2 babies.

After successfully raising four daughters, one son and one grandson, I find that each child at about the same age as your angel has their word to express themselves. Let's think this through. You are in your childs place at her age. You hear mom and dad tell you "no, don't touch, "no,no, that's hot, no, don't do that, etc. You get the idea. Now "no" has become a word in her vobcabulary she has most likely heard most of the time. How many times do you or did you tell her "yes"! Now she is a bigger girl and she is using "no" to express her feeling about everything. I had one daughter that everything was "mine"! Went on for months. She wouldn't share anything. Especially our attention. But it didn't last forever and soon she learned another word and then another and then sentences. We would call her out about the "mine" thing and slowly she learned exactly what that word meant. (The word came from her older sister!!) Have patience and try saying yes, intead of no all the time. She'll soon learn the difference between a mean no and a expressive no to things she doesn't care for. Such as her vegetables!! Good Luck! Hope this helps.

M.,
Keep up the good work ~ it sounds like you have a grasp of the situation and that you understand exactly what she's doing. It is just a phase. She's establishing her boundries and mimicing you. You probably say "no" more than most repeated words.
I think you should take video's of her doing this and then show it at her wedding! It'll scare the groom into behaving!
Enjoy your little ball of personality.
Deborah

M.,

I personally think that by reacting every time your daughter says "no" and by placing this toddler in time out when she says it "ugly," is simply reinforcing her bad behavior. She is getting your attention EVERY TIME you react. This is her intent. Small children* do not distinguish the differences between positive and negative attention - it is all just "attention" to them at that developmental stage. I think you would be better off to ignore her use of the word completely until she gets out of this stage. Right now, she is just "yanking your chain."

I sincerely hope that you will find some positive behavior that she is also acting out and reward her good behavior generously. If she smiles, or does ANYTHING that you DO want her to do, then quickly say, "Thank you, (name). That is VERY sweet!"! (i.e. "very good", "just right" or whatever words of praise that seem appropriate, including hugs and smiles. She will figure out, fairly quickly, that doing the right thing gets her the attention she craves and doing ugly things get her nothing at all.

FYI: Some people have a hard time growing out "negative reinforcement" as they mature, and we see them as the "notoriety seeking" criminals that want their name splashed across the news, in association with a crime they commit, simply to get the attention they crave. (Please do not misinterpret my comment to mean that your daughter has these tendencies. I'm certainly NOT saying that; but her actions now reflect the SAME syndrome that an older person who has not matured may employ to fulfill their need for attention, even if it is bad behavior receiving negative attention.)

Good luck with the developmental years. It can be trying!

Warmly,
K.

I think you're doing a great job, Mom! How long will this last? It depends, but you have such a good handle on it that will help. My 4 1/2 YO has some problems and when she says no instead of yes it's because wires are crossed so to speak (my 3 1/2 YO does not have that problem.) If you see this continue for a year or two and she seems to not know what she wants or how to express it, she may have a processing disorder/ language disorder. But right now, her behavior is totally normal for a 2 YO! My 18 month old was screaming at hubby last night "no!" :)

Dear M.,

It sounds like you are doing a good job handling the "NO" phase. I wish I could handle it as well as you. I can take it for a little while, but then I usually end up losing my cool.(go play in your room mommy needs a time out) I have stair step kids 4,3,2(boys),2mo(girl). When my oldest son hit the no phase it toppled down to my youngest son early. Just keep doing what your doing and everything will be fine.
M. K

This is just the beginning...Girls!

First of all, it sounds like you are really trying to do what is right for her and that is great!

Second, try to reserve time out at this age for the really "big" infractions. We only use it for hitting or anything else that is somewhat violent. Instead use simple choices and consequences with her. If you ask her to pick up a toy and she says no, then give her an option - you either pick up the toy, or mom/dad will pick it up and you will lose the privilege of playing with it for the rest of the day. Sometimes it is best to set a count down - I will count to three and you may pick up the toy or lose the privilege for the day.

If you want her to do an activity (brush her teeth) and she refuses, let her know that it is not optional, but some fun thing that will follow it is - reading a book, watching some TV, etc. Then the choice is do you want to read this book with me after you brush your teeth or do you want to go straight to bed. In that case, you are taking the tooth brushing choice out of her hands and making it about something else that she wants and has some control over.

Try to couch it in terms where she has the option of what to do, yet it still accomplishes the task you have in mind. You give her a sense of control over her life while still getting what you want done.

Good luck,
N.

I totally agree w/ Karen. I always found other ways of telling my kids "NO" b/c it is MUCH easier for them to say no than yes. Always tell them what you WANT them to do and not what you don't b/c we focus on what we hear. So, if all you ever say is NO than that is what they WILL do. Ex. "Don't run!" They hear, "RUN!" Instead say, "Walk!" It REALLY does work better!!

Keep up the GREAT job!!

Blessings,
M.
Mom to 5 wonderful kids (ages 9,8,6,4,2)
www.4MyChildrenSake.com

It sounds like she is doing what toddlers do -- testing out new things to see how the other humans will react. I would say you are handling it right by giving her consequences for being disrespectful. Just ignore her when she says no, unless she is using the word appropriately. Remember, you can't take it personally -- she is just figuring out what works and what doesn't. If she says no when she means yes, ignore her until she says what she means. She will eventually figure out that no doesn't work for every occasion, and just when you think you can't take another second of her constantly saying no, she will stop and move on to doing something new that will drive you nuts! Good luck.

This might not help now, but maybe for the next one.

I have a 15,14,13 and 8 year old. I started out by saying "don't" instead of No from day 1 (don't touch,run,yell, etc..). I don't remember how I kept the word "no" out of our conversations, I think I just replaced "Don't" with "no" as much as possible.

It wasn't until my oldest started school when she learned the word no (as a comback). By that time she had a better understanding of saying no and it's consequences.

Good luck and God Bless

My advice is simple.. don't respond to her "no-yes"'s as a yes but as a "no".
Unless she sees that she is not getting what she wants when she says "no" but means yes, she isn't going to change.. why should she need to?

If you're already treating all her no's as no's then I'm out of ideas. :/ Maybe it's just a phase.

Don't push it, all toddlers go through this faze. "No" is much easier to say than "yes." We just had a 2-year-old stay with us for a week, and she ran around all day yelling no! She'll grow out of it, so just be patient with her. I wouldn't even do time out because at that age they can't understand why they're in trouble. "Yes" is physically hard to say, so she's delighted with her ability to say "NO!" and that she's learning language. You don't want to punish that. :-)

Hi M.,

Well your defintely not alone in this area. I think we all have shared this one. I got to say though MOM F I have to agree with her. It does work, remember this when you repeat something your teaching to memorize so what ever you want them remember thats a good way, but to change behavior you have to change the cycle. Good Luck!