UPDATED: Avoiding a Fightwith Dh=what Should I Do?

Wow. He sounds like the original Grinch. I hope he's never in a position to need help.
I'd do it and say nothing.

Why don't you "make a deal" with him.

Have him join you this year and if he still feels so strongly about it (after seeing the faces of these other children/families) then agree that you will no longer do it.

There are plenty of other ways to give back. Just do something else that won't be against his wishes. (Work at a shelter, food shelf, blood drives, etc. TIME is a big gift to many organizations too!)

Do what's right in YOUR heart.

I was helped one year by the local 'Goodfellas'. A friend of mine called them on my behalf. They supplied me with $100 gift cert for groceries at a local store. When the officer in charge of the local 'Goodfellas' contacted me, he told me about the free toys for the kids if I could get to the store. There was a blizzard and didn't want to try and get the kids out in that so I told him that I was NOT worried about toys. That I'd be there the next day for the groceries. Not only did HE make a special trip to DROP OFF the grocery gift cert, but after I thanked him profusely and he met my 2 kids, he said he'd be back in a minute. He pulled out DISNEY bags from the Disney Store! HE went shopping for HIS family and he gave MY kids the toys he picked up!

Being on the receiving end of such a wonderful persons kindness is ALWAYS remembered and cherished. Now that I can... I donate all that I can to my local food pantries and the 'Goodfellas' along with the Vets and Purple Heart.

Maybe he needs to talk to the people that need help and really don't ask for it... But it's still appreciated.

EDITED TO ADD- Tell him you're being SANTA!

Wow, hopefully your husband is never in a situation where he needs help from others. That's great you and your kids do that. We adopted a family for the first time this year and I can't wait to deliver the gifts.

I would just let him know you are going to do this every year and would appreciate if he accepts that. You accept the fact that he does not want to participate. If I were you, I would not stop doing this. What you do means so much to these families.

Was there ever a time in his life when someone helped him even though they didn't have to (money, time, resources, etc)? If so, gently remind him of that and tell him it's that spirit of giving that you are trying to foster in your children. If not search your own past and see if there is an example you can share with him about someone who showed you generosity and how it enriched your life.

While I agree that we should help other families and give part of our money to charity (church primarily if you have one), and I think that what you are doing is so wonderful, I would counsel you to submit to your husband's desires. If it were me, I would go to him, tell him my desire to help a family, ask if we have any extra money in the budget for this, and if so how much. But, then graciously heed his decision on this. If he says no, tell him that you will not do it this year then. Ask him if it would be possible to set aside $5 a month over the next year so that you have a small amount saved up for the next year. Perhaps your husband doesn't feel like he is really a voice in your decisions. You might lose this little battle, but you may gain so much more in showing your husband that you do respect him and his decisions. Men need to be shown respect. They shouldn't have to "earn" it first, just as we shouldn't have to "earn" their love before they show it to us. Remember that you are a team. Work with him, with his vision in mind as your own personal goal.
Way to go on the debt free living! I was cheering for you as I read that part!

That is very kind of you to help others. Of all the things that we teach our children, having compassion, kindness, empathy and generosity towards others is priceless. If the world had more people like you in it, it would be a better place.

Did you know that Oprah once was dirt poor and I forget whom she said it was, but there was a Christmas when she was little and there was no gifts under the tree. If I recall correctly, she said that nuns brought over gifts for her family on Christmas day and she was so grateful. I found Oprah's memory.

"One of Oprah Winfrey’s fondest memories is of one Christmas when her family was broke. Her mother told her that they were very poor and they would not be getting any gifts for Christmas that year. She recalls thinking how hard it would be to tell the other children that she did not get any gifts because of their financial status. That Christmas two nuns came to her house with gifts for her, and that memory has remained with her ever since. Now Oprah gives so much away to all people, both material and spiritual, and she thanks the two nuns who were so kind to her that one Christmas. Just one simple act by the nuns rippled into so many directions, touching millions of lives."
http://www.onjinjinkta.com/wavesnewslet/winter_05/davecol...

Then she paid it forward:
"Oprah in Africa
In December 2003, Oprah began a gift-giving pilgrimage in Africa. On her trip, Oprah have away 50,000 Christmas gifts to orphans and other desperately poor children. Oprah says she was inspired by the nuns who brought food and gifts to her house on Christmas when she was just 12 years old. Not satisfied with just playing Santa once a year, Oprah pledged to donate mad cash (we're talkin' millions and millions of dollars) to build schools, empower women and help fight AIDS in Africa."
http://www.kidzworld.com/article/4230-oprah-winfrey-biogr...

Pretty cool huh!

I can see his point, but that's not a good lesson to teach your kids... that just because something is yours, doesn't mean you have to share it. I LOVE what you're doing, and I would brush off anything negative he says about it... I would be positively GLOWING with that warm, happy, fuzzy feeling if I had the extra funds to do something like you're doing. Live off that warm and fuzzy, it will ALWAYS outweight his negative feelings about this. If this was any other kind of arguement, then I would say you should absolutely consider your husbands views on it... but this, I'm sorry, he should feel proud of you for doing this and teaching your children to help the less fortunate!! What goes around comes around, you'll see... one day, when you're in need of something, someone is going to help you out, and that is the day you smile sweetly at DH and say 'I told you so'.... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! We need more parents teaching their children like this, you're wonderful :)

My mischievous side advises that you get EVERY version of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" ever made, tie him to his comfy chair and force him to watch every single one of them until he gets it through his thick skull that helping people isn't a bad thing. The Muppet version and the Patrick Stewart version are my two favorites. My family and I make it a tradition to watch this film on Christmas day. It always reminds us that even though we don't have a lot of cash to spend on gifts for each other, the gift of our family is priceless.

Good luck!

Keep doing it!!! I know you and DH don't see eye to eye on it, but you sound very passionate about it! I do the same thing and my DH doesn't participate. He doesn't fight with me about it, though. My oldest is 5, so we always pick a 5 year old boy. My husband's argument is--how do I know some lazy parent isn't sitting around collecting welfare and getting free stuff instead of getting a job. Obviously, I don't know if this is happening, but I only buy for the kids (Angel Tree).
Last year DH was with me when I picked up an Angel off the tree and he was looking at other Angels. One was a 13 y.o. boy asking for Xbox games. My husband wondered why he had an Xbox to begin with. Like I said, I buy for a boy my son's age. I usually get clothes and educational toys. Last year I bought a new bike for $30 (the Angel Tree people assembled it for me) and got 2 outfits for $20 at Old Navy (clearance rack!).

Keep doing it!!! I wish more people would!

no it is wrong to give this up to appease him. what your doing is very generous and loving. tell him if you have to everything you spend comes back 7 fold it is in the bible. ask him why he feels the need to be selfish. my honest opinion if i was in this postition is I would do it and just not tell him where I am going i would just say I will be back. tell the kids not to tell either your not lying just saving an argument. if he does ask where your going to a frends house dont name the freind. :)

tell him there is a country song written about this the guy changes an old ladys tire she offers him a $100. he says no give it to someone else. she goes down the street to a diner and give the $100 as a tip to a pregant waitress who was about to pop. come find out the waitress was his wife and they really needed the money. but he did without. just to get it back karma is wonderful.

The lesson you are teaching your children by doing this...is worth way more than any amount it is financially costing. As long as you and your family is not going without to help...there really isn't an argument. The gain is so much more than the cost.

The world is a better place when parents teach children the importance of empathy and goodwill. If my husband ever put his foot down on something as meaningful as what you are doing and teaching your kids...I would have a tough time seeing him in the same way. Honestly...what your kids learn by your example is more important than what he gets or saves by not doing it.

Good for you...your children will go far with the example you are setting. Money is money, and will come and go (and it isn't like you can't get more).

Someday he may be on the other side of the equation...and how horrible if your children were to go without because some other parent felt the way he does. I wish you luck!

* I am not trying to disrespect anyone's opinion, but I believe donating to a church is quite a bit different than donating to a person or cause. A church is an entity that benefits from many...and will survive with or without your help. With or without your $5 or whatever a week...the church will be fine. A family is another story. I see families locally that literally help like D.'s can make a direct change in their lives - immediately and sometimes forever. Saving one kid's Christmas is way more important than re-affirming someone's position as leader or the only opinion that counts in the family.

I also do not believe that you blindly follow a spouse whether they are right or wrong...just to preserve their feelings or show respect. A marriage is teamwork...and both people have a vision...and both people have a right to a difference of opinion. Additionally, I find it a bit disconcerting that anyone in this day and age would believe that marriage and life isn't full of compromise..and that just because the "man of the house" decrees it so...it is. How can you suggest they are a team in one breath, but that you need to see "his vision" as "your goal?"

I would just say "honey, we are doing it again, and before you comment we are not involving you. Me and the kids get great pleasure out of helping people less fortunate and I hope we are never in that position ourselves but if we were I'd hope to have a family like ours to help us out" what could he say? I don't think he wants to appear a fool to you, so I am sure he would drop it. If that doesn't work ask him to explain to your children why they should not help others and to be totally selfish. Good for you and your kids that you volunteer, it truly does make difference.

to add to Denise;s post about the song - by Clay Walker (video is probably on CMT - youtube link was w/lyrics)

Chain of Love
By Clay Walker

LYRICS:

He was driving home one evening,
In his beat up Pontiac
When an old lady flagged him down,
Her Mercedes had a flat
He could see that she was frightened,
Standing out there in the snow
'Til he said I'm here to help you ma'am,
By the way my name is Joe

She said I'm from St. Louis,
And I'm only passing through
I must have seen a hundred cars go by,
This is awful nice of you
When he changed the tire,
And closed her trunk
And was about to drive away,
She said how much do I owe you
Here's what he had to say

You don't owe me a thing, I've been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I'm helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here's what you do
Don't let the chain of love end with you

Well a few miles down the road,
The lady saw a small cafe
She went in to grab a bite to eat,
And then be on her way
But she couldn't help but notice,
How the waitress smiled so sweet
And how she must've been eight months along,
And dead on her feet

And though she didn't know her story,
And she probably never will
When the waitress went to get her change,
From a hundred dollar bill
The lady slipped right out the door,
And on a napkin left a note
There were tears in the waitress's eyes,
When she read what she wrote

You don't owe me a thing,
I've been there too
Someone once helped me out,
Just the way I'm helping you
If you really want to pay me back,
Here's what you do
Don't let the chain of love end with you

That night when she got home from work,
The waitress climbed into bed
She was thinkin' about the money,
And what the lady's note had said
As her husband lay there sleeping,
She whispered soft and low
Everything's gonna be alright, I love you, Joe

YOUTUBE VIDEO:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oCm8ECm-…

Hi D.,

I'm going to go a different direction here...but please hear me out. Is this really about money? If it is, is there anyway you can do something charitable without spending money? I know you work too but if this is something that bothers him this much, are you showing your children that you can work something out with their spouse. If there's not that much money involved maybe your kids can earn some money to not take it out of the "family" pot. Sometimes simply the appearance of compromise is enough...."Honey I know you aren't real keen on us doing this and spending the family money, but the kids have earned some money specifically for this reason and I'd hate to disappoint them." Don't get me wrong, I think what you are doing is wonderful but it seems to be taking some joy out of the whole experience because you husband doesn't want to get involved. He may be watching this economy and wondering what will happen if things go upside down....

Just my two cents!

M.

For this year it sounds like you have already got your family assigned to you and are ready to start helping... but maybe starting after the holidays, you can start a collection can. If you put a little change in it here and there, and the kids can donate whatever they want from their own spending money, then it wouldn't come out of your bank account, and your husband would not have anything to say about it right?

Just something to think about for the future, and maybe you can put this years arguement off by telling him the plan now!

BTW - Thank you so much for your help! I had a friend who utilized one of these adopt a family services a couple of years ago after her husband died and she was having alot of financial hardships. I cannot tell you how much it meant to her and her children to have the help!

Is it REALLY about the money? You work part time, so technically it's YOUR money you're spending. If you can ask him about it so you understand what's really going on, maybe that'll help. Is he stingy about anything else?

You're teaching your kids a great lesson in empathy, compassion, etc. I like the answer re. this being his gift to you.

Also, remind him that charitable giving is a TAX write-off. Keep track of this money and report it on your income tax. That may also help him feel better about the financial side. Good luck!

& if you give in on this issue, then how many more "things" in life will you lose.....simply to appease someone who's unwilling to be a "giver" ?

Stand firm, Mom! You are using this holiday as an excellent teaching/learning event for your children. By witnessing the rift between you & your husband, your children are also learning diversity of opinion & the fairness of accepting other's faults & moving on with personal beliefs. Kudos to you!

Hello, A couple of things. 1) You are teaching you children to be caring, giving people. If he isn't on board, shame on him. 2) I would not engage in any arguments about this. If he is going to claim the "it's my money" thing, then I would remind him that you bring in some of that money and that you are partners in this marriage/family.
My husband of 43 years died suddenly last March. I worked two jobs (one in the home) for many years to help raise our four kids. When I retired fromt the school job and came home with a blouse one day, he asked me how much of "HIS" money that cost. I was so hurt. He could see it and NEVER asked that question again. Now, he was only putting it out there as a joke, but since I wasn't working one of my jobs, I felt like he was saying I wasn't pulling my load. I did everything in the home. We really never argued about money, and if fact in all of those years, we rarely argued about anything. I just made sure that he knew I wasn't going to argue about something I MIGHT be wrong about and if I stuck up for myself, it was because I knew I was right and that he didn't want me to prove him wrong. It was kind of a big joke between us. You could also remind him that goes around, comes around. Good or bad.
Keep up the good teachings of a kind heart for your kids.
K. K.

Are you helping out the whole family or just the kids? If you only help out the kids, then maybe he would be more ok with the idea. I kind of understand his point, if you are helping out the adults too, because let's face it...there are some adults who make really stupid decisions and expect a hand out! On the other hand, it's too bad the children have to suffer for their parents poor choices.

I know plenty of people who gripe about being poor and can't afford this and that, yet you hear about their new iphone they just bought, fancy rims for their cars, etc...

Those people, I do not want to help out because they don't deserve it. Yes, their kids are going to suffer because of their parents bad choices and that's too bad.

So, if you only help out the children, he might be more for that.

BTW, are these his kids too, or just yours, because you only mention, "my kids" in your post?

It seems like he resents the fact you are "spending HIS Money" so what I would do is only spend the money from your check. It is your money and this is yours to do what you want to. Also I would sit down and ask him if his sister/brother or BFF lost their job and could not "have the Holidays" with their kids because of money would he help out in a small way? Most would say yes that is family. So then ask and if said member of his life had no one else wouldn't you like to see their kids have a holiday? have someone step in and help the KIDS. it is for the INNOCENT HELPLESS KIDS. and hopefully he gets the picture. You could also point out we do not give so much that we are now going with out.

Good luck and Good for you that is great that you do this. My work adopts a family for each office and everyone in that office provides 1 good item off their list and we put it all together. Wow they get alot.

ADDED Watch the movie "pay it forward" with him

Definitely do not stop doing this because of his reaction. Perhaps this year you can set up a special account where you deposit weekly/monthly from YOUR earnings, this way it is YOUR money that you are using. IDK if that would make a difference to him?

Maybe the two of you can sit down and really talk about why this bothers him so much? It seems like there is more to his story that he is not letting on. I've never heard of someone being so against helping others out...especially kids during Christmas!

Props to you mama for being so generous and teaching your kids what really matters in life. You should give yourself a big pat on the back!

Wow he sounds like the modern day Scrooge. Perhaps your children should try reading the story out loud in front of him may make him recognize it :-)

I am sorry that you are dealing with his bad attitude. I really hope for your sake and the sake of the families that you are helping that you continue to volunteer and give to these poor families. I also adopt at Christmas. My husband also buys for local kids through an Angel program at his work. I could not even imagine how my opinion of him would change if he became so selfish. Good luck. I hope your husband comes around.

Maybe you and the kids could write up a plan to show DH about where the money is coming from that you are giving away. It would also be a learning (math) project for your kids.

ie - our gas, we figure will cost approx $15 to drive the x number of miles at $2.75 a gallon. Joey put in his allowance for that. The toys we bought cost $10 each. Sally earned that from child-minding for the neighbors baby while she showered and cleaned her house. Joey earned his from bathing the neighbors dog and Windexing their windows. We went to Half Price Books and sold 10 books each that we don't want anymore, so that gave us an extra $8 towards such-n-such.

I think if you have your KIDS present their numbers/project to their dad, hopefuly he'll see their eagerness and their love for this and have an 'ah-ha' moment. ?? Good luck.

Are you book readers? READ "Same Kind of Different As Me." Very touching - about a man being reluctant to work at the soup kitchen with his wife, yet the most amazing story comes from when he does actually go.

this is going to sound bad but it might appeal to your husband. Tell him not only is it good to do this but it will look good for college apps for when the kids are applying to colleges. Also let him know that you can get tax credit for these charities you are working with. I know you aren't doing it for that but it might put a spin on it your husband can see a benefit.

I'm in the minority on this one, but I agree with a previous poster about honoring your husband's wishes. There are quite a few things I admire about you, though, D.. You're financially solid - good for you! You love giving to others and are showing your children how wonderful that is. However, do a little experiment this year. Tell your husband that you're aware that your holiday giving has really bothered him and that you're willing not to do it to honor his feelings. And mean it. Whatever he says, cheerfully say, "Yes dear." Keep in mind, he will probably have a change of heart in time. For now, tough, till you can get to the bottom of why he is struggling with this, don't let this become a sore spot for the two of you. Your children see and sense the tension in your marriage over this. I'm curious as to how this might go. Keep us posted if you take this option.

I would just sit him down and explain it ..say.."look..i love you..and i need you to know that i really enjoy helping a family out for the holidays..and i love how it teaches our children to love thy neighbor and to be kind..i know we work hard for our money ..and we are well taken care of..its mainly for the children of these families that motivates me(i say this from the feel i got from your posts) ..i totally understand if you're not into it but please try to understand that this is important to us and we get to this as a group effort..myself and the kids"
basically explain how it makes you feel and that you love doing this..and that you are so happy you can..that it really doesn't cost much..and then hit him with.."i think it brings us good karma"
i personally think its a beautiful thing..and i can understand his side...since my parents are totally like that..everyone is different..you happen to be very giving..can't force someone to be that way..just like they can't force you not to be giving.

good luck!

xo

D.

I would tell your husband that you work too, although you do not work as much as him you are also a provider in the household. Doesn't he see how much the kids enjoy this? I'd ask him why he would want to take away the joy that it gives his children to help others. Yes he may work hard for the money he brings home for all of you, but the families you are helping may work just as hard but are unable to get where you are, he needs to understand that. If your not asking him to help I think he just needs to suck it up and keep his mouth shut.

I really love what you are doing with your children. I think it is one of the best lessons in life and I cannot wrap my head around why your DH would be so opposed! Not just uninvolved, but adamantly against it! It seems like there has to be something more to his reason besides money, but I can't imagine what that is.
Anyway, if it were me I would offer it as his Christmas gift to me. In lieu of him spending money to buy me a gift, he "gives" me the money he would have spent so I could use it to help others. That way I get to enjoy the gift of giving and he can't complain about any "extra" money being spent.
I hope you find a way to work this out without stopping the wonderful things you are doing for your children and these families.

can you sit with your dh and explain to him how important this is to you but at the same time you understand his reasoning...(looking on the other side, there could be things he wants to get the family for christmas but cant' because the money is going elsewhere...or something like that) however, talk with him and see if a compromise can be met...that you will either to presents or food one year and see if you two can agree to a logical budget for you to abide by and him to accept...it's kind of a meet in the middle thing

He's wrong. Period. He should feel great to be able to help another family to have what he's had the OPPORTUNITY to earn for his family. There are families who simply don't have the resources to earn a good living. I want to keep all of my hard earned money and I don't like to enable people to continue to subject their kids to poverty if it can be avoided. There are people out there who aren't drug addicts or bums sitting on their rear ends who can be blessed by a gift like that. I remember as a kid my mom and I would go out durning the holidays during the middle of the night putting food and a Christmas wreath outside the homes of people we knew were in need. It was a wonderful thing to do and we did it knowing that many of the families would have no idea that we'd done it. My mother would play dumb if anybody in town questioned her. We started doing it more than 20 years later there are still ratty wreaths on the doors of people we'd helped many years ago. Mother still sneaks around and she'll 'steal' the old wreath and make a new one when she can get away with it. My parents worked very hard to make a living and honestly we were poor. Social responsibility is as important part of being a human being. If you are a spiritual family at all then you should give based on your faith. I do my best to choose to help those who really can't help themselves but at the end of the day it is God that guides the money to the right place. We are to give without judgement and with a kind heart. My husband has a half sister who just found him. She and her husband have 5 kids. They are broke and working hard every day to provide for their kids. Helping them has proved to be a very enlightening experience. Money doesn't buy love but when you can't get vegetables on your table because you've only got cheap mac n cheese money can change anything. Their kids see that other people care for them and want to help their family. For most of their lives they have been so poor that they didn't always have dinner. They've been so poor in a world where people spend $200 on a pair of jeans. For them to know that other people do care. The world isn't full of people who look down their noses at them. They can become more than their parents were able to achieve. Giving them a Walmart gift card to help their kids have a better Christmas with a real turkey on the table is easy. Poor kids don't know why Santa doesn't bring them really cool toys like the other kids at school. They know it's because they are poor even before they find out who Santa is. If DH does't want to give financially then drag him to the soup kitchen. Let him see first hand that many people in need look a lot like him.

D., Have not read the other responses, because I just want to tell how wonderful I think you are! You are doing a great thing for other families & in teaching this to your children. I absolutely respect your husband's feelings. Why don't you have a garage sale to earn the money you are going to spend for these other families? Or something like that. Find a way to not use "the family's money" to continue doing what you love doing. You have set a great example for us in doing all that you do...now take it one step further, show your husband how much you respect him and his feelings. Please update us and again, thank you for inspiring us! Peace to you and your family, B.

Is there another charity that he would be interested in such as Ronald McDonald House. Maybe something he could relate to such as the fact that anyone of us could be in a position to use the housing they have available if your children should get sick. There are children's homes for kids without a family that could use donations. If it were a charity that he was interested in maybe he would want to be more involved.

He just sounds like a Scrooge.... Just do your "tradition" he already KNOWS you are going to do it. Don't go into detail when you are doing it just say "We are off to do our good deeds, see ya in a couple of hours Dad.. love you." and head out. Don't give him the ammo to start an argument. Don't expect him to participate and dont belittle him because he isnt. Some people love to do what you are doing and some people don't.
It's a silly battle, so don't start it this year ;)

You and your children could honor the meaning of the holiday season by giving of your time instead of money, since the money issue is such a sore spot for your husband. Why not take the kids and help pack food for an organization like "Feed My Starving Children" volunteer to serve food at a homeless shelter, participate in a food drive or volunteer at a food shelter, or spend time with seniors at a nursing home instead.

I agree with the others. Talk to him to find out what the real issue is because you are working too AND trying to instill good values to your kids. Maybe a different project would not be met w/ such resistance.

This is both tough and touchy. My husband had wonderful empathy towards those in need and we help out each year and do what we can in our community. I know that our kids have had to really take a back seat the last few years as we have struggled financially. We buy them the things that they need when they need them, and last Christmas they only received a $25 iTunes card each from us. They do not complain, they aren't bitter, they understand. They are also older 11 and 16, but we have been trying to find a way to give back and I really like the sound of this organization you work with.
As for your husband, until he is in need himself or actually spends the time going with you to see these individuals for himself, he won't change his ways. I would just tell him flat out, I do this to build character in our children so that they will have the compassion and love for their fellow man and help those in need when they can. Life is too short to let our "brothers and sisters" go hungry and uncared for.
You are amazing, keep doing what you are doing!