Unsolicited Advice Making Me Feel Inept

Yes, I have a child with ADHD. Talk about getting unsolicited advice! My favorite is to "be consistent with discipline." Duh, never thought of that! Makes me want to rip my hair out when I hear that one, even just reading it when people suggest it here to parents of kids with ADHD symptoms.

Make a Tshirt that says, "Unsolicited Advise is Implied Criticism" Wear it for a few days and see if everyone get the idea.

Strange. No, I am not in the same boat.

Are you perhaps complaining about spoiled food and a dirty recycling container, thereby explaining the "unsolicited advice"?

If not, I have no idea why people would feel compelled to tell you how to run your household. Unless it is your hubby - I think implicit in all marraige vows comes the right to tell the other spouse how much they need to clean something. =)

Try to have a better day. If you feel comfortable with how you handle things, that is all that matters.

With me, it's my mother. Over the last year, I've just had enough, and I've told her nicely in so many ways that if I want her advice, I'll ask for it, but otherwise I am just sharing our lives with her. She can't stop, and is so irritating about it, that I have quit telling her what's going on in our lives until AFTER it's over. So now it's, "Oh yes, your granddaughter was sick last week, but she's all better now!" Or I just don't give info at all. It makes me sad, but I couldn't handle it any more.

I don't know that some of that is advice. More like reminders. and I think it depends on where it is coming from. My husband and I give each other reminders all the time. i ask him "did you lock the doors?" he will ask me "did you remember to turn off the oven?" and I am glad we do this because it gets so busy sometimes that we forget these little things that can turn in to bigger things. Like the other night I was cooking dinner, and I just took something off the burner and was reaching to turn off the stove when my son ran out of the bathroom with poop all over his bottom and was racing down the hall to his room. I ran off the grab him before he could sit on the carpet or his bed, and left the stove on. If my husband hadn't said something the house could have burned down.

I go silent and give people stupid looks. When they wonder what's going on, I've been known to say something like "I'm just wondering why you thought you needed to tell me that." It depends on who's saying it. With my husband, it varies. We can be real smart-asses to each other. Sometimes with other people I just walk away...lol...and they don't know why. Fun!

No. Why do people feel the need to give you advice all the time? Are tehy being helpful, or condescending? I get it if it's an overbearing relative or something that hovers, but friends/family/strangers on a regular basis? Curious. Some do it because it's just a part of conversation, some people are just overbearing. Some do it maybe b/c they sense you need advice. Perhaps you have a history of food spoiling in the fridge, or forgot to lock the back door, or they are explaining the recyclables to you b/c there is a standard for them to be accepted that you were unaware of. I remind my husband to lock the back door, but I'm not giving him unsolicited advice, I'm reminding him b/c it's a safety issue and he sometimes forgets.

Oh heck yes...I silently pray for a bird to cruise by and poop on the advice givers head.... I also found a cute shirt for my kids that says "My mom doesnt want your advice" so far every time I put it on them and we go out...noone says anything to me :)

When I get unsolicited advice I either:
- Nod and smile
- Say, "Oh, it's awesome that works for YOU. So far ______ is what works for me."
- "(((chuckle, laugh, big smile))) Thanks for looking out. I feel comfortable making my own choices / I got this one down!"
- "If you'd like to share your experience, I'd be happy to hear you out. If you are trying to tell me that I shouldn't trust myself / that my experience of my life is wrong or invalid / that your experience (or choices) should be my own, I'd rather not have this conversation. It's simply not productive."

- Sometimes I notice that what *I'm* looking for is an ear. "I feel wonky and upset," can be heard as, "I feel upset, fix it for me / come up with a solution". While that may be well intentioned, it is often counter productive. Often, I don't wasn't looking for "you" to solve my problems or make me feel a different way, I was simply looking for an ear. Then I might say, "Oops, I may of miscommunicated my wants/needs here. I was venting, and was not looking for solutions. I'm not there yet, but thank you for trying to help," or, "I'm not ready to let it go, or to see the other side. Would you be willing to help me see that when I'm ready, and to hold space for me right now?"

OR, I'll go into a venting conversation with, "I'm garbage mouth right now and really want to discharge. Are you available to just listen for a few minutes?"

Also, I ask for advice a lot. Then I'll say, "What's your advice / what do you think I should / what do you suggest / do you see a piece that I am missing?"

There will always be know it alls!!!!!!! Don't sweat it and go about your business. That's all you can do. I work with someone like that and there is not a comment or action I can make that she doesn't say something contrary....Glad I don't sit next to her...Take care! Best wishes.

Generally, no. Most people know that I'm a capable adult (not that you aren't) and worry about their *own* lives. I can't stand busy-bodies.

If people are getting rude or condescending, just tell them to pound sand.

I know, it can seem annoying. I'm not sure why people think that "new" moms don't know how to care for their babies on their own. I think it's just that motherhood ties us all together, so it gives us something in common to talk about. The advice is really about sharing experience, and people are telling you what made their life as a new mom easier. Maybe they were nervous or felt inept as a new mom and dont' realize that you may be confident in caring for your baby - this was the case with my MIL when I had my first, 16 years ago. She was a nervous wreck when she had my husband and depended on her mother to come and take over, she herself had no experience with babies, never babysat, was a mom before she was an aunt - I babysat constantly from the time I was 12, was an aunt since age 12 and I wasn't anxious about caring for a baby. You do have to wonder what makes strangers think that someone they don't know would need their advice or not have people close to them to provide it.
You can always say, "Thanks, this is what I do __________________ and it works great for us."
It never really stops, just changes depending on the stage of parenting you're in. I'm at the stage now where the advice is about the college search and application process :)

I react better to advice from a family member that I respect or a close friend. Now, when complete strangers feel the need to toss advice at me--I just ignore it--and them--for the most part!

Welcome to the club !!! I had that and then some...get this...my kid just turned 18 and last week I got some adive on how to handle things with her...mind you there is no problem she is a good kid....I flipped my lid !!! I just could not take it any longer...I mean hell I did not come in on yesterday's turnip truck !!! I guess some people can't help it .

I'm right there with you! I get all kinds of unsolicited advice from how to cook or clean all the way to how to raise my kids. Usually the most advice comes from childless people! For myself, I try to graciously hear and acknowledge their concerns and make sure I understand where they're coming from then as soon as they or I leave, round file it! Even my husband will chime in but one good nasty glare usually shuts him up.

I always try to remember how I felt getting advice I didn't ask for so when my kids are doing something wrong or the hard way, I just let them fight through it and hope they'll ask me the next time. My daughter has recently started asking me how to do things that she knows I can do faster and better because I've already done the hardway and the wrong way! LOL

The last part is trying to remember that no matter what people say or do, I have to believe in what I think and feel is right. If I feel the noodles should be al dente, then I should do them that way. If I feel the laundry can wait, then I let it wait and don't feel bad that others think I should have done that instead of playing video games with the kids. Remembering that my opinion is the only one that matters to me is really hard and sometimes people are very judgmental that you don't measure up to thier opinions. That doesn't make me a bad mom, person, or wife - I can't please everyone. If I do everything in moderation and overlook the judgments of others, I can feel good about myself and how I'm doing regardless of what other people think.

That's how I do things.

I get it, but it's my own fault. I have a very self depricating sense of humor. I will break the silence at a family gathering by telling embarassing stories about myself. I like to get a laugh, so, I will exagerate my own folly. I play the dingy blond sometimes, so, when I get "duh" advice, I laugh it off. There have been a few times I had to put people back in line. I would thank them for thier dumb advice. I know people are just being nice when they say 'drive safe' but sometimes I want to tell them, thank you. Had you not told me to do that, I was not planning to wear my seat belt or use my lights, just for giggles.

I get that ALL the time from my mom... also when I have something I'm talking about she will say, "Well you just say... " and then she tells me what to say. I love her, but sheesh! I don't need her to tell me what to say. The other day my friend was helping me bring a treadmill to my house and she says, "He's going to need someone to help him move it." Thanks Mom... never occurred to me. haha.

I guess I try to be patient with her, but sometimes she gets the I know Mom! I always say that's the worst about having a baby is that EVERYONE thinks they need to help! When the kid gets older you get less advice and less offers for babysitting :-)

I bought a onesie for my daughter that says "My Mom Doesn't Want Your Advice." Maybe you should get one in every size and let your kid send the message! Sometimes you just want to snap at people, and it's hard to hold back when you're sleep deprived and cranky... just smile and nod. Tuck away the good advice and ignore the bad stuff. I promised myself I wouldn't give new moms unsolicited advice because it bothered me so much... but sometimes you just can't help it! Sometimes you have a great idea or something worked really well for your family and you just want to share it with others. Good luck!