Unhappy Marriage. . .trying to Make It Work!

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F.,

21 years is a long time to wait for happiness. It is even more difficult when you are the only one trying to "fix" what is broken in your marriage. I suggest a six month "trial separation". Speak directly to your children, remind them why they did not want to go home when just you and they were out with friends. "Our House Is Not Fun". Let them know that it's not fun for you either and that's why daddy will be leaving, but the two of you will continue to try to make things better.

During the separation, if your husband cares about repairing the marriage, he will continue the counseling, which should include you and your children as well as one on one for him and the counsellor. He should also take some parenting classes.

If he follows through and you can see and feel the progress, then let him come home. If he doesn't, then you will have your answer and must decide what YOU think is best. You don't have to get a divorce, but keep in mind you may meet someone down line that will love you and your kids a provide the kind of relationship you deserve. Keep on praying, and I will pray for you and your family.

Blessings.....

The description you give of your husband sounds just like my ex. We were together for over 20 years. He was repeatedly unemployed while I supported the family. He acted like a 15 year-old. His mood swings and depression were eventually diagnosed as bipolar disorder. Once he was given that diagnosis and was put on the appropriate medication, his symptoms and mood swings are much more manageable. He has been much more involved with raising our now 8 year-old daughter and is managing his household reasonably well.

I deliberated for many years whether to stay or leave. I have no regrets at all for leaving. My leaving got him to get the mental and physical health care he needed including on-going counseling. We are still close and spend time together as a family, but having my own living space has made it possible for me to see that I am not responsible for him or his moods or his health. Our daughter gets to see that a woman does not need to put up with that type of behavior, and is learning skills herself how to deal with her father.

I am not a religious person, so can not relate to that side of your deliberation. I felt that it was my duty to live the best life I could and as a mother to provide the best life to my daughter I could, and that wasn't possible while dealing with the complete physical, financial, and emotional energy drain that was living with my ex.

We were in a similar situation 5 years ago. Only my husband is the bread winner and I'm the one who has the bipolar depression and the one who wanted a divorce. I'm grateful that my husband did not feel the way some of the ladies who answered your question feel! People with depression do not react the same to stress than people without. I hits A LOT harder. However, that isn't an excuse for his behavior and not seeking some help. If I'm having a rough time I know it is time to go to the doctor and discuss what to do about it. Women are more accepting of depression being an actual physical problem. Men not so much. Let me ask you this if he was suffering with a heart condition that made him unmotivated, grouchy and tired all the time would you want to leave him? If you don't see depression as a physical problem you won't TREAT it as a physical problem.
I lost my job 6 years ago. Because my husband has a great job we can't relocate for me to work in my profession. Although there are days I really enjoy staying home there are days I don't. Before we went to counseling my husband would come home and the house would be a mess and no dinner ect. He would ask me "What did you do all day?" Man that used to irritate the heck out of me! He couldn't "see" that I spent the day on the phone with the electric company, or my whole day in a car running kids to doctor's, sports practices, school ect. He now has a job where he works from home one week a month and has found through experience some days just get sucked up you do all these little things and at the end of the day feel like nothing really got done. Some days I feel invisible, as someone who always worked it was a difficult transition ..sometimes still is!
We did a year and a half of marriage counseling with our pastor (for a separate issue). I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever done! But before I threw in the towel I wanted to make sure I had tried EVERY possible way to save the marriage. I didn't want to get down the road after divorce and think "what if?" I had tried this one last thing. If I left I wanted to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had tried everything to keep my family together. I felt I owed it to God, my husband and my kids.We had to re open old hurts discuss things we really just wanted to push away and pray pray pray. I remember on one day I was having a really difficult time and just yelled to God at the top of my lungs "I can't do this anymore!" I was so ready to give up on my marriage move somewhere sunny that wouldn't effect my depression so much find a job and of course the "perfect" man. I'm so grateful to the Lord and pastor for not letting me! I can't speak for my husband but as for myself I'm so much happier in my marriage, there is a peace that I had never felt.
It sounds like you guys were married fairly young..we were too. We didn't really bring Christ into our marriage until our 15th year and it was almost too late. In this society of NOW ..I wanted everything fixed in a week. You can't undo 15 years of hurt and disappointment in a short amount of time. The best decision that was ever made for our family was my husbands. When I told him i was filing for divorce I was done..he called pastor on his own, he started counseling to deal with his issue's. He didn't tell me well if you had done this and this or you never did this and this. He wanted to deal with the issues he had that were affecting the marriage. That was what I wanted. all along...don't we all? His actions told me he loved me and our marriage was worth fighting for. I told him as long as he tried I would try. But the minute he stopped I stopped. In the whole year and a half of counseling 1 time a week for him and 1 time a week for us, all the books and "assignments" we were to complete he did stop trying at one point. So I stopped trying and refused to go to counseling with pastor. He had to explain to pastor why I wasn't there. Pastor called me and I told him point blank I would no longer attend until my husband held up his responsibilities. Hubby got back to the program.
You know what I found during that time? There were a lot of "my end of the marriage" I wasn't holding up too either. It is so easy to say "you don't do this" "you don't do that so I'm not doing ect." or if you would just do this..In our marriages we can only do what WE are supposed to do. What God wants us to do is hold up OUR end. He really has the perfect balance laid out for our marriages. I apologize that this is so long. I just could hear your sadness in your post. I wanted to let you know as someone who has been there and come out on the other side it is worth it! Is it work..yep. Does it hurt..yep. Will you be angry..a lot. But God is Good. I wish you all the best and pray things will become clear.

Life is so short. Why waste another minute that you won't get back being unhappy. You only have one shot at a good and happy life so why are you letting your husband set the course and mood for you and your kids. As the mom you owe it to the kids to protect them and show them hapiness so that when they are ready; they understand what a healthy relationship looks like. I grew up in a turbulent home and had such a hard time with relationships and trust. Thank God I met a a patient man. I totally wish my mother left my dad when she was young enough to meet someone else. Good luck!

Your husband sounds like mine was not that long ago. I was at the time the breadwinner (he had been laid off), it was all about him, he was having emotional affairs with women. I was ready to walk. So, I totally get it!

You have gotten some great advice and what I am going to suggest is really hard to do in the spot you are in but this is the advice I have...have sex. After talking with several of my girlfriends about what to do, and like I said, I was ready to walk away. It was suggested that I just needed to step up and make him feel important (and what makes a guy feel more important than sex?!?). So, I gave it a try. At least 3 times a week we had sex and he was like a new man!! I can tell now when it has been more than a couple of days because he starts to get grumpy.

Maybe you have already tried this but I figured it was worth sharing because it saved my marriage. Good luck to you!

Yes. Tell him what you need from him, and then let him do it. Make him be a man and "man up." I am assuming that he is a Christian, too. Go over your wedding vows again. If you had a relatively traditional Christian, wedding, then he vowed to treat you the way that Christ treated/treats the church... that is, to sacrifice himself for you and the rest of the family. If he is not doing so, he is not holding up his vows. It's time to start.

This is just a guess... it could be that he feels like he is not really a man because you are the primary breadwinner. That he wants to take care of the family but feels like one way he "should" be doing that is by earning the money. You need to find ways to help him feel like a man, that he is greatly needed. Right now, it seems like he's drifting. Help him find anchor.

Could the kids come up with some projects that only he can help them accomplish? Are there things around the house that only he can do? (Help him by helping him come up with a deadline. While he's working on things, walk by and give him encouragement and praise.) Thank him for every little thing that he does, no matter how small. (My husband thanked me for cleaning the bathroom sink... it did wonders for me!)

I was the primary breadwinner in our family for a while. (In fact, I still might be... I'm not really sure.) But my husband and I worked hard to make that not an issue. It was tough... but it is working out.

I agree with Dawn. A longer separation could help him see that you are serious about change. I totally understand and respect your desire not to get divorced. I think it is sad that your children don't enjoy coming home. I wonder how your husband feels about that and if it makes him want to change.

God doesn't like divorce, but then again if you think about your wedding vows, I don't think there's a grey area there. "Love you and honor you all the days of my life" (or something similar). That is the expectation put before the two of you when you get married in the Christian F..

You can't change him and the only way he is going to change himself is if there is a need to- if you "accept him" then you accept him EXACTLY as he is and accept your life EXACTLY as it is. If you don't "accept" him, then ask him to move out of your home until he gets the help he needs and is willing to rejoin the family again as a father and a husband, not as another adolescent.

Wow, I am living your life, only my husband is the primary breadwinner. But while he earns a very good living, he thinks only of himself. He resents my hobbies, he resents my volunteer work, but at the same time, he doesn't want to hear what I did during the day, he gives me no emotional support, and if I want to feel good about myself, I have to get that validation from other people. Not from him. If the house is spotless, he finds something to complain about. Our child is exceptionally well-behaved, but he complains if she is playing and making noise while he is trying to work on weekends (and I tell him she only has our house to be in, and he has an office to go to if he wants to work all weekend long). Even our conversations have to be about his work, because he has nothing else he wants to talk about with us. We walk on eggshells around here. It is no fun. I finally told him our daughter said she hates it when he comes home, so he is being nicer to her at long last. I'm fed up with the whole situation, but even though I feel like I've done all the work to keep things going all this time, I also feel like I owe it to him to try again. And I feel sick to my stomach just saying that because I want to leave so very much.

So, no advice here, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. And I don't think God intended you or me or all of our children to be unhappy and to learn that men aren't supposed to treat their wives with respect. Good luck to you.

Stop praying to accept him and pray for the strength to kick him out of your life and home. He can have weekly visitations with his children!! Divorce - he obviously doesn't care enough to try working out on that counseling on his end. It takes both working on it to make a change.

P.S. Do not seek an annulment!! It will be horrible legally wise on your children!

Take your husband to a holistic doctor! There is something wrong with him, his hormones are out of whack most likely. Don't give up on him, there is something wrong. Since you live in TX I would highly suggest Doctor Hotze. www.hotzehwc.com

Your children's physical, emotional and spiritual health should be your primary concern. Sadly, they are learning what they live. You and your husband both have problems (emotional, medical and otherwise) and it is obvious that he isn't all that enarmored with your marriage either. If you are going to stay married to him because of religious reasons then live your vows ("for better or worse"). Accept your husband and the situation as it is and attend to the needs of your children before they are irreparably damaged. They are the innocents and all the angst, depression and conflict is not a healthy environment for them--they deserve better.

This must be enormously difficult on you. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like this marriage has some grounds for annulment because he, with all of his problems, lacks the capacity for marriage. I am a religious person too (catholic), but this is not your fault. If he can't be helped, I believe God forgives that. If he can be helped, he needs to put effort in getting it for the sake of your marriage. If he doesn't want help, that is not your fault either. I would tell your husband that if he doesn't put real effort into getting help, you will look into annulment. Maybe that will motivate him. If not, in my humble opinion, you need to move on.
God Bless and my best wishes :)

Wow. Is he an ex-addict? He sounds very "stuck" at a younger age and very self-centered which is very, very common for ex-addicts.
Are you both still in counseling? You probably could benefit from going together AND alone, maybe?
Is your husband on medication for depression or bipolar or ADHD?

VERY sorry about your situation. I can honestly say you are not alone as I see alot of unhappy people in this world. I just said a prayer for you to help you find your way. If you want to make it work, I suggest a timeline...say "by oct, in our marriage, lets fix this and this" If you are done but feeling guilty about leaving...dont. God wants you to be happy and how are you going to spread his word and living by example if you are letting the devil stomp on your marriage? Keep in mind those kids are seeing the example of what THEIR marriage will probably look like...and I dont think you want that for them.

This has nothing to do with religion or with the way you are. The man is sick, probably bipolar, and he will NOT get better with prayer or with you using your body to please him, as someone suggested. He hasn't in 21 years, so you see for yourself. In the meantime he has damaged emotionally you and your children. These unstable people are dangerous because by being promiscuous they can bring STDs in your family. It's NOT a matter of growing up. It's a serious, lifealtering illness. My suggestion (as somone who's been there) is to educate yourself as much as possible in order to gain an objective point of you on the illness and to make the best possible decision regarding your future as a family. He can still be a father for your children, after divorce, and they will get only the best from him, by living in different homes. A separation will allow them to live in a serene, emotionally stable home environment (with you) and to enjoy quality time with their father without being exposed, as they are, to his swings and poor decisions. It's your responsability to make sure your kids grow as balanced, self-confident, emotionally healthy adults, so I hope you can be their savior, as Christ was for all of us. If you can, you have to. But this is just my opinion, of course. Good luck.