Unhappy Home: How Do I Help My Unhappy Toddler?

Hi A.,
I would like to suggest that you talk with your MD about your depression. Medication and/or therapy may help you. I think you would be in a better state of mind to help your daughter once you feel better. A child therapist (such as a social worker) may be beneficial for your daughter, although she is only 3 years old, she may have some confusing feelings that therapy can help her understand. Young children often blame themselves for problems in a family.

I agree with some of the other mothers about spending some alone time with your daughter. Make her feel very special, laugh at her jokes(even if you don't feel like laughing), take time to look at and comment on the pictures that she draws, have her help you with dinner or setting the table, include her in care of the baby, giving her little jobs to do will help her feel like an important part of the family.
Also make time to do things as a family, go for a walk, play in the leaves, etc...

Keep in mind that you have 2 beautiful children and a husband who is willing to take the steps needed to improve your situation. Things can only get better.

My guess is that is has nothing to do with the school, and everything to do with the new baby and the general unhappiness and stress in the household. Kids reflect our stress back to us.

Oh boy. I am so sorry to hear this. I have dealt with depression and unhappy households, and I still do. I learned that happiness is a learned skill. You have to try to make ways for you and your family to enjoy life -- and that means you and hubby (don't let him get away with hiding behind his work responsibilities). Are there ways in which you can do things as a family that do not cost lots of $$$? A local playground? A free or low cost arts theatre for kids? A museum? A field trip to a local farm or pumpkin picking? A "great adventure" to another nearby city or town for a day? Just fun things to do as a family alone I think will lift everyone's spirits a little.

I just want to say briefly that my family if also stressed by a financial situation and it can be very hard. I encourage you to make use of the fun activities that are free - someone already mentioned the park and I love taking my kids to activites at the local library. Usually it is pretty easy to take your baby along to an event that is designed for your daughter's age group. But I also agree that you need to let your husband take care of the baby, so you can focus on your daughter sometimes. Even if it is just for a half hour and you just stay home and have a tea party with her. Having a special bedtime routine with you and her every night after the baby goes to bed would also really help to send the message that life can still be fun and she is important to you too.

Hi A., I noticed that someone suggested taking your daughter to a farm. Well, I have a farm and a 2 year old daughter. We have ducks, geese, pigs and horses so if you live in my area you are more than welcome to come for a visit, I live in central NJ. If you are interested email me at ____@____.com luck!

I am very sorry to hear about your family's financial troubles and the sadness of your daughter. My family has been affected by the bad economy and layoffs, as well. Now I finally have a job (albeit a temp position, but it will probably last a while). My husband stays home with our son.

Do you work? Is it possible to take your daughter out of daycare? In my opinion, she is better off at home with you and the baby. You can find other ways to let her mix with other kids like playing at the park, storytime at the library, and scheduled playdates. I think someone mentioned the YMCA -- they are a good resource for the whole family and have reduced rates for people with money problems.

Do you have friends or family nearby that can give you support (not the financial kind)? Do they have children?

I post sometimes about attachment parenting and its benefits. Despite all the stresses in our family (losing jobs, moving, not being able to pay bills, not being able to find jobs, arguing, etc.), our son is very happy. I attribute much of that to our parenting style, which is based on the attachmenting parenting philosophy. You don't have to do all of it in order to get some of the benefits. Here are a couple of links:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/

Good luck to you and your family!

Hi A.,
I am sorry for your stress and for the stress of your little girl, still really a baby. IF she really is never happy, I would get right in to your doctor. Children can suffer from depression, which is an illness, just like adults do. She can benefit from age appropriate therapy activities. I would also be sure that you are somehow, somewhere finding alone time with her. Have a date every weekend. I know money is tight but the park is free, parent/kids storytime at the library is free, your town might have a dollar theater, two ice cream cones don't cost much.
Good luck.

Just from an outsider's perspective it seems that she needs to feel more happiness coming from her family. I know, MUCH easier said that done i'm sure... but for a happy child, you NEED to be the one to provide her "fun and happiness"! You can't expect her to get it from her daycare and have that carry her through.

Although we're not in your exact situation, money is always tight around my home (largely due to medical bills from my cancer)... and i've found that most areas have plenty of things for free fun. Even if its just staying home and playing dressup or baking cookies or playing with chalk on the sidewalk or playing board games! There are also usually free programs at libraries, churches, etc.

I don't agree that her problem should be "treated" by the doctor as depression or anything else, at least not yet. In my eyes there's a big difference between "depression" as a disease that needs treated and being "depressed" because of a sad or stressful situation. Sounds like she's going through a rough situation, along with your whole family and you need to help eachother through this.

I do strongly agree with the other moms who said she needs to spend one-on-one time with you (and with your husband too) no matter how short that time is, even a half an hour while the other parent is focusing on the baby. And who knows, maybe that time would help YOU too!! help you focus outside the financial issues for a while and ease your own sadness and frustration for a short time! Enjoy eachother!

Good luck and i hope you can find happiness even in the rough times, and that things turn around for your family soon!!

Oh hun, I feel your pain. I know you're not asking for financial advice but I would like to say one thing. You might qualify for welfare, foodstamps, or even a cut in your coned bill. ANYTHING helps at this point so please try to find a welfare office nearby and see what they say.

As for your baby girl. I'm sure she's sensing the stress you're feeling. I know that no matter how hard I try to hide stress from my son he still picks up on it. The best thing I can tell you is, if possible see if you can get a psychologist to help ease your stress a bit. I go once every week with my son. He plays there because they have a playroom and I get to tell her what's been going on in my life. It helps so much. It's also free because I have medicaid so maybe you can qualify for that.

About the daycare.. I'm going to put my son in daycare soon, (he's going to be 3 and I feel he needs to be around other children his age). I'm assuming that daycare is a great way for you to have a few hours to yourself, which every mommy needs, and your daughter gets to be around children her age which is great for her. Maybe try finding another daycare if possible? Maybe your daughter just isn't comfortable in it anymore. I'm not sure if your girl talks yet but maybe ask her if she has fun. My son is 2 and can't really express it yet so I just have to use my mom instincts.

Her happiness comes from you! She is watching your every move and picks up your feelings. Though you have financial difficulties (and most people nowadays do) it sounds like you have a lot to be happy about. 2 healthy kids for one and a husband that is trying to better himself. Make some play dates for her and change your perspective so she will be happier too! If you don't you are in danger of having an unhappy little boy as well... Good luck

A. my heart goes ut to you. You need tochane the atmosphere in your home to help your daughter and your self.I am not a doctor but I think maybe what you need is a friend. Call me, I can help you get started in a networking company. The support they have will help get you going.The products are home and business cleaning with enzymes not chemicals.Everyone is looking for ways to go green and these products work and are affordable. I get great responses everywhere I go. I am a mother of three. Who rased five. All are succesful and independent. I am blessed and would be happy to show you that you are also blessed Please call ###-###-#### Carol D.

my one question is why are you spending money on daycare if your hubby isnt working? do you work? who is watching your young baby? daycare seems like an unnecessary expense. happines comes from your heart. your baby is feeding off your misery. happy mommy = happy baby. goodluck hon

Hi A.-
Your situation is certainly a hard one-no doubt. But, you must make every effort to make your home happy in spite of it both for you and your children. Growing up in this sad
atmosphere will change who your daughter is...and how she will view the world.
Try to find fun things to do that dont cost money--see the beauty in the world and the humor ....it is crucial to you and to her. Things will probably work out---maybe not exactly how you invisioned, but as long as you have your health and your children are ok, it will be ok. Please try to find happiness in the little things....so much rides on it for your future and your daughters. I hope you can see
how important it is to find happiness NOW, before it makes
a lasting impression on your entire family.
Good luck to you.
R.

I'm very sorry for your situation but when you got lemons make lemonade. First of all if your husband is out if work there is no reason why you should be spending all thatoney on daycare. Even if he has an internship he should work it around your schedule. Second two year olds pic up on the vibe in the house you might try to think
more thankfully for what you fo have your health? Your home your job and your family. Sometimes if we're not happy with the
little we have we won't be happy with a
lot. My friend just lost her mother and when her mother was alive all she did was worry about the bills now she's gone and the bills are gone but the car still sits there and the house still sits there the point is all that time she could have Bern enjoying with her family was spent wasted worrying about the stupid bills. Your family is here for you to enjoy now it doesn't cost a thing justthink on the positive and everything else should fall into place positive breeds positive.
Good luck!
God bless
From H.

I have cut around all corners myself as well to provide the best possible care for my 3 year old son. His experience of the world is crucial to his deveopment and growth and has a lifelong impact for him. I pay more and will do so to give him the best nourising environment when I or his Father cannot be available. My son's dad is also barely working and I pay for and provide most of the necessities. As a result, he is aware that my top priority is that my son be given a safe, comfortable home, food and caring loving & happy school/daycare. As a result, I cut back on cable tv (not a necessity and even not NOT helpful to any growing child), telephone & internet costs as well as w/ some food items.
How do you feel about your husband going to work PRONTO & giong on w/ his internship if he can do both but the priority is your childrens development and growth and all that impacts them; your spouse can go back to his internship when daycare costs are not needed. I would not however leave your child out of daycare despite the costs- this can be an additional help to your child at this time.

Hi A., I am really sorry to hear about your little girl-I do have some advice for you-I hope it helps your little girl. My husband and I have 2 wonderful little girls 3 and 7.We have been in financial stress for about 5 years. We are 70 thousand dollars in debt and also use credit cards to pay for food.I know this is a very stressful situation but....... You need to try and forget about that until you can fix the situation there is no use being depressed about it. That is very bad for your child-she needs an uplifting happy home-no-matter what the situation is-I always put on a smile even when my husband tells me we cant pay another bill-its only money and I know things will get better. But our babys are only little once and a happy healthy childhood will reflect her future. When I force myself to be the best mom ever for them-I then realize that I am happy-no-matter what because I was blessed with the most precious gifts I could ever have. And no-matter how much money we dont have-or how messy the house can get-I put my girls first and seeing their happy faces and hearing their laughing is more to me than anything. This is what we are here for-( I dont mean to sound like a Hallmark card) I pretty much raise my girls bymyself and I wish that my husband was more involved but I think it is so important for their happiness to start by being happy yourself. She wont be happy if she sees mom and Dad are not. She sounds like she needs more attention,happiness and lots of love and laughter. Invove her in the new baby with everything you do and tell her all day how you love her and how wonderful shae is. I truly hope this helps your little girl- And I hope you and your husband can be happier people which will in turn make your hildren happier-Good luck-R. E.

Dear A., I understand your situation and I know you cannot put on a happy face if you are not. You daughter feels this and you cannot change that. I can only pray that your husband gets a job. I know so many people who are out of work for a long time. I will pray for you. Grandma Mary

Oh I am so sorry for your hardship and your daughter's sadness. Perhaps you could give your daughter a break from this daycare that doesn't sound like a good match and keep her home with you while you look for something else. You may be surprised at how you can handle the both of them and she may be happier. Get her involved with what you are doing around the house or with the baby or let her do her own thing and see what interests her. Maybe you all need a "vacation" from this situation. Google "unschooling" and you might get some interesting resources about keeping your daughter home with you for a while.

Best of luck

I'm so sorry that you and your family are in an unhappy situation. Stress is such a difficult thing to deal with. My DH and I have had to deal with a stressful issue at home but I have to admit its really nothing compared to yours. You have to reach deep down inside - and so does your husband to HANDLE it and to not let it affect your daughter. My son is 2.5 and kids this age KNOW when something is not right and it affects them greatly. I wouldn't switch schools again b/c the reasons you gave for pulling her are pretty good ones IMO. I would focus on really trying to just make your daughter happy at home first, I'm not so sure school is the problem. Start doing things as a family that are fun and happy and save the stress for when its just you and your DH alone. Money stress is TERRIBLE but Its beautiful weather now, theres things you can do that your daughter will love and that cost nothing...go for a hike, go play in a park whenever you can. Take her to the libary and search out any free shows or events that might be going on in your area. Just go outside and let your daughter run and play and be free. I know you have a new baby - put the baby in a sling or a bjorn and go and pay attention to her. A new baby is stressful enough for a toddler I think, so do all you can to pay attention to your 2 yr old, comfort her and reassure her that everything is ok...in her little world right now she can't make sense of the stress you and your DH are undergoing but she can feel it. At night - sit and read with her and your son or sit and do puzzles, play doh, color with her. Buy those froze cookies and let her help you put them on the tray and "bake" then share a treat together. Quiet simple things that you can have your 3 month old sitting in a bouncy seat or laying on the floor with you two while you do it. Your DH is working toward a job and that is goign to take time, in the meantime you both have to figure out how to balance your adult problems with the life of your two year old. Its sooo hard, I'm sure but you can do it. Find the love and the simple things and be strong from it! Good luck. I hope things improve for you better. BTW I COMPLETELY agree with Joanna F about her thoughts on depression for medical reasons vs depression for current situation reasons and if I were you I wouldn't be so quick to jump into meds for anyone in your family - perhaps a counselor or someone you can talk to jsut to vent and help you put things into perspective and help you get/keep focus, but I don't think you need meds or anyting like that. We all get depressed, unhappy, blue or whatever due to life experiences, we have to WORK through them - its when you can find NO happiness and the world is so dark that theres a problem.

The environment sounds really stressful, and I'm sure that along with the new baby is affecting your toddler. I don't have any expertiese in this area, but I can tell you what I would do in your situation. I am assuming you are working because she's in daycare, so spending more time with her during the week is probably limited. However, I would have the hubby care for the baby a few hours on the weekend, and I would have some girl time with her. I also would have the alone time with dady and her as well. She needs to feel special to both of you, no matter how busy life is. As for the school, I would not be too quick to take her out. I think I would talk to the teachers to find out if she's like that all day or just at the end of the day when she may be tired. is she not engaging at all through out the day, and if so what are the teachers doing about that? If this school is not doing anything, then I would change schools, and put her back where she was happy even if it means different religous beliefs. She is only 2, and I think it's actually a good thing to be exposed to different things even if it's not what you believe. She is being raised in your house, so eventually she will understand your point of view and your religion. Don't be affraid of diversity in her life. Good luck to you and your family. Sounds like you're moving towards the right direction, and I hope you're able to pull yourself out of the stress and have a more relaxing life.

I'm glad you are concerned and caring, that goes a long way. I know you are financially stressed and time-wise as well, but she probably has health insurance and if not DEFINITELY qualifies for Child Health Plus and such. Please take her to therapy. Play therapy for children is very therapeutic and yet it's fun for her. It will give her soemthign to look forward to. It will give her an oppty to release and act out/play out what's going on with her which will in turn help her feel better... she wouldn't act/play out the same with you (or dad) because of the intensity in emotional attachment. Children have an uncanny ability to let it out however when feeling safe with a professional 'stranger.' I am a mental health therapist and have treated children that young and can tell you from experience how powerful it has been. More so than even I could've imagined because children are not my specialty. Anyway, it will also be a source of support for you because the therapist can give you input on what s/he sees and what you can more directly be doing to help your little girl. Ultimately, the "work" will end up back with you but at least you will get insightful guidance. And please PLEASE hear me when I tell you that this year, especially this 2 year mark but all the way up to 5 years old WILL mark her for the rest of her life, whether for good or bad. It cannot be "fixed" later, not to the extent it can be now. I really hope you take the advice, best wishes, N.

Reach out to your pediatrician for advice. Let him/her know what is going on and see what is recommended. He might recommend some state run art or music therapy (free). Also, have you talked to the daycare teacher or director? Remember, they work for you. They have lots of years of experience and might surprise you with some suggestions. If that doesn't work, look for another daycare. Sound like she did well in a home setting so perhpas you can find someone else to watch her in their home.

HI A.,

I am so very sorry about your situation. Just reading about it breaks my heart. I don't have any earth-shattering advice for you, all I can suggest is that you continue to give your little girl all the love that you are already giving her. God willing your situation is temporary, and once you guys are in a better place financially, the stresses will lift and everything will turn around. Until then, that constant reassurance of your love for her WILL get her through.

I will be praying for you and your family. Please let us know when things turn around (which they will - have faith. :o) )

You've gotten some great ideas already. I really second the trip to a farm. 2 year olds can really relate to animals and I agree with her being at home with you. I'd probably be depressed too if I were 2 and not with my Mom and baby brother. She might not be getting enough stimulation and interaction. Better to be dead tired for a few years than miss this stage of her development. She needs you.

PLEASE read the book, You Can be Happy no Matter What. No matter how broke you are, buy a copy or borrow it from the library if they have it. It's a simple read and very life-altering. Have your husband read it too or better yet, read a chapter a night together so that you're both on the same page.

You might also want to do some online work to earn some extra money. There's a learning curve but there are ways to make money that require no investment. This would give you the possibility to get out of debt without declaring bankruptcy and doing something and seeing it work is a great cure for depression. You can work when you want. Internet is open 24 hours a day. Whether it's $20, $50 or $1000 a day, I'm sure it will bring you some peace of mind too. Not much is worse than financial problems.

Hi A.,
I know this is very late, but you and your daughter just seem so sad that I wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug.

I don't know what your work schedule is, but you definitely need to work some time in for your daughter. When you are changing your son, have her bring you the diaper and the wipes. When you pick her up from daycare, go for a walk, your son can be in the stroller, it doesn't have to be completely one on one, just make time to do things with her or with both of them. If it's too dark now afterschool, do this on the weekend. Once we have a dry day, pile up a bunch of leaves and let her play in them, your son can be in the bucket car seat of stroller outside with you, and you and your daughter can throw leaves at each other. Get out and LIVE!!

We didn't have the financial stresses you are under, but my daughter is highly prone to "cabin fever", if we don't get outside every day, it affects her whole well-being. (I am a full time mom who travels a lot for work, and until this year, my husband worked away from home a lot as well, we live in a rented apartment that we have more than outgrown -just giving you our background so you don't think my daughter has a silver spoon in her mouth. We're working hard, just not struggling.)

Make sure you read her a story everynight at bed time. Adjust her bed time or your son's, so that you have some one on one time for her then. During the day, have plenty of art supplies that she can draw on and color.

You don't need money to show your daughter you love her. I'm sure you are sad, stressed out, and depressed too, and your daughter is feeding off this. Be sad at work, be sad at night in your bed, talk to a therapist, or friend, BUT, start living for your daughter. Don't let your son be an excuse why she gets neglected, she's only 3 she needs you at least as much as he does. Don't let your husband's internship be an excuse for him to not step up and do his part. Both of you need to take care of your kids first, everything else WILL fall into place.

Let the house work slide a little, or give your daughter things she can help you with (this will cause the whole job to take a lot longer, but she'll be doing things with mommy), SING, be silly.

If there are kids in the daycare that live near you, have them come over or meet in a park for a playdate with your daughter, if she starts to play wiht them one on one, she'll be more likely to play in daycare.

I don't think you need to change daycares so long as the one she is currently in is clean and safe, has plenty of toys/puzzles/books/etc. to provide a stimulating environment, and so long as it has the right ratio of adults to kids, and the caregivers seem to be engaged. I think as she adjusts, she'll make friends and get used to the teacher. Now, if you think the teacher, sits on her bottom all day and lets the kids do their own thing, instead of directing them toward various activities, then it's worth pulling her out altogether or trying to find a way to pay for the old one, even with the religious issues that go with it.

Again, get her to bed on-time, and get 15 minutes to a half hour outdoors with her everyday. Sing songs, and be a kid with her. Use that time to put the rest of the world aside. It will do you both some good.

Happiness is a choice. I have learned I am the master of my own emotions, not my circumstances. I have taught myself to find the joy in the difficulties of life. I own rental property that hasn't been pulling in any income, I have exhausted all of my financial reserves, I have even moved into one of the units figuring I can save what I was paying in rent until some other viable solution comes up or foreclosure whatever comes first, two of my three credit cards have made decisions to cut my available credit down to what I owe them and my job has decided everyone should get a cut in pay. None of these things have been pleasant yet I have determined that trouble doesn't last always and the tide will turn around. The same thing will happen with you.

Perhaps if your little one has more time with you laughing and playing that will help. Is there anyway she can play with some other children perhaps from her former day care arrangement? Perhaps you can find another day care for her where she will be more comfortable. It is the simple things that make children happy. While raising six children seven and under, I discovered they loved huge cardboard boxes. I would always try to keep two in the house. They became race cars, forts, houses, boats, and any other things their imaginations could think of. We also could have hours of fun with a jar of bubbles. Sounds ridiculous but works. Take the jar to the park. You would be surprised how many children will come over to help pop bubbles and just laugh. I know the weather is changing but places like malls or fast food restaurants have indoor play areas. These will work just as fine too.

For yourself I would strongly recommend perhaps getting up thirty minutes early for some form of exercise. I found this most helpful for me. It helped give me some more energy and made it easier for me to think more clearly. Perhaps something such as TaiChi or Some kind of Am Yoga program instead of a TaiBo or more aerobic program and thirty minutes in the evening Pm Yoga. It helps you relax and sleep better. If you are less stressed, your little one may be less stressed too.

Hang in there because trouble doesn't last always.

If your a SAHM or Dad is could you pull her out of day care for a while? She might just need that time at home for reasurance. (Please don't think I'm picking just thnking!) It could save you money as well as give her time she needs. Good luck!!! A.

It breaks my heart to read your post, but all the while feeling hope for you because you have what sounds like such a beautiful family, and however cliché it might sound - it is really all that matters. Your house and material things are just that - things.
Is renting your house a possibility? You could then move into a rental apt. Hopefully the rent would pay the mortgage and provide you with a slight income in the process.
On the family front perhaps you'll find happiness spending time with your family, doing things that don't cost - playgroups, getting together with friends in homes.. your friends are your best support group, specially if you make good ones in your neighborhood (are you in Jackson Heights by any chance?). Your kids will be happy if you are, I'm sure your daughter will prefer just being home with you and helping you, girls generally aim to please, and it sounds like your daughter is such a sweet, sensitive little girl - she'll be happy if she feels she can make you happy. You girls could use some laughs from simple little things such as a good and funny book or making hairdo's with the bubbles in the bubble bath (Johnson's vapor bath makes bubbles and you don't have the urinary tract infection risk).
A different angle, how about starting your own business? If you have any ideas, the first stage is conceptual - product development/design which doesn't require much of a budget. Myself and a couple of my friends have begun pursuing our ideas and have found great empowerment in the process.
Good luck!
M.

A.,
It sounds like everyone not just your daugther is sad. Could you be projecting? If not try looking into an extra-curricular activity. Gymnastics, art classes, yoga, karate, ballet? You can even try some of the free classes that are offered not sure where you live? How about the library she might like that. Really try to find what intrigues her and brings the best out of her. Coloring, papermache projects, painting, etc. Look at your behaviors and your husbands behavior. Children are like sponges they soak up everything including our behavior. I am not judging I am speaking from experience my now 5yr old has been seeing a psychologist for low self esteem issues, she easily breaks down etc. We have had to take a hard look at ourselves my husband and I and work on us while working on her. I am type A personality my husband is type don't worry everything will work it self out and they are opposite one thing we did do is feed into her behavior and now with help we are not feeding into it instead we are detecting it early on and trying to head it off. We give positive reinforcement and discipline when needed in the past we never even thought to put her on time out because we were so afraid she couldn't handle it. She is doing so much better but I had to change my glass half empty view of the world so I could help her. Have you tried to get professional help??

try another daycare..... not the one that is more money.. but try another one.. bring her there with you to visit.. even try the ymca... see what she likes... good luck.. get her out.. if she is unhappy... it's not fair.. and don't talk about your problems where your little children will hear.. make things happy for them at night when you are home.. smile.. ... play a video that's funny or singing... put music on... laugh a little.. your little ones depend on you to make life fun.. so try a smile.. go to the park on sat. morning for a little while.. make life happy.. and they will be happy. ask the church for assistance with food.. many churches and towns have food pantries no questions asked.. you need a little help go for it..