My daughter is in the 6th grade and navigating all that comes with that--which is a lot I know! However, I'd like some advice b/c I really don't know what else to tell her. There is a girl, we'll call her Sue, who she really does not care for but is the mutal friend of a lot of her other friends. She has been in my daughter's classes off and on since 1st grade and is now in 4 classes with her at middle school and rides the same bus as her. She goes to a weekly church program that my daughter also goes to and several other things outside of school. Sue can be a little "in-your-face" too much and that's what my daughter finds annoying. She has asked her politely to please stop, or tell her it's not your business or I'd rather not talk about that with you, etc. Sue is generally pretty nice from what I can tell but after awhile the other girls just get tired of being around her. She can sometimes seem like she wants to be the center of attention and it's difficult for her to see that her behavior can be off-putting. They are only 11 afterall!
I have told my daughter that dealing with Sue is a good time for her to practice her kindness and patience and remember that she will be encountering Sue most of her whole school life (and outside) unless one of us moves (which isn't likely) so she needs to find some way to get along. She finds that very difficult some days and she will get frustrated and blow up. Then Sue goes overboard to try to "win" my daughter back and that bugs her too. I'm just not sure what else to tell her. I have told her that I have friends that sometimes I need a break from as we all have different moods on different days and that's life, but in this case she doesn't always have the option to physically separate herself from Sue without seeming totally rude.
Any advice? TIA for your help!
Thanks for the advice. The girl I am speaking of is very intelligent (in all advance classes) and a cute girl, liked by several others and otherwise socially accepted. I think my daughter and her just have a personality clash. Recently, they met with the school counselor at the request of the other girl b/c she said my daughter was being mean to her. They actually included another one of their classmates who was also having issues with this girl and talked about the fact that she needs to understand boundaries when the girls say they've had enough. Hopefully it will improve things. I know my daughter does have a tendency to blow up if it's like the 10th time she has to say something and the other person is just not getting it. I think we can all get frustrated like that sometimes.
I think you just keep reiterating the kindness and patience message. It's not Sue's business to make life perfect for your daughter.
Just tell her Sue is probably insecure, and if your daughter needs her distance from her to do it as politely and kindly as possible.
Other than that, stay out of it. It's hardly the worst problem your daughter could have.
I have an 11-year-old sixth grade girl too. I totally feel for you and your daughter and especially Sue, who sounds like a normal kid who just doesn't have a lot of social fine-tuning yet.
Is there anything that your daughter and Sue have in common? That they both like to do? Or something they both enjoy like certain music or a TV show or whatever? Do they both like the youth group activity at church and do they maybe get along better/differently there than at school? What I'm driving at here is helpiing your child find some common ground they both like and guiding your child toward falling back on that when Sue starts to get too intense or in-your-face. You can work with your girl on changing the subject to that common interest, if your daughter can keep her cool and remember to do so when things get annoying. Sometimes just a sudden shift of subject can break the tension for both people involved.
Also, does your child seem more annoyed with Sue in settings where there are other kids present? Is it possible that Sue gets more in-your-face when there is a group, and she wants a certain child's attention? That's something to think about. Your daughter may need to work with you on being sure to include Sue in group things (not that she's excluding her now, but maybe she could be sure to think about "Can we make Sue part of this to calm her down?"). And maybe Sue would benefit from one-on-one time with different girls if she currently is not a child who gets many play dates.
You are kind to Sue in your post and that is wonderful. I've seen posts on here where the "Sues" of the world are treated badly even by the moms who post and who just want to get their darlings away from the generally OK, sometimes annoying Sues. But you clearly do realize that your child should exercise some compassion toward Sue and also learn how to deal with a sometimes problematic friend. Bravo for you.
I think you are handling it just fine. There will always be girls like "Sue" and your daughter does need to learn how to handle them!
I think it's okay for your daughter to show her true feelings if they are warranted. I don't think it's healthy for your daughter to "hold back" her feelings if Sue isn't listening.
With my daughter, I have drilled her on how to respond to kids like Sue. We practice what to say. I don't want kids like Sue taking advantage of her sweet nature, but I also want my daughter to practice tolerance and patience. So I have taught her to respond lightly and with patience at first, but to continue on with being more firm if the situation warrants it.
There was a bully girl that my daughter kept encountering. Once I taught her how to respond to this girl, she stopped bullying my daughter. My daughter also helped her friends stand up to this girl. Now, a year later she is MUCH nicer. Every once in a while something comes out, but for the most part she is a better person. It took all of the girls standing together to get her to change.
Your daughter can help Sue by being understanding, yet firm.
Good luck!
My son is/could be your Sue. The thing that the other kids don't quite 'get' about him yet is that he isn't doing it to be malicous. The kid doesn't have an unkind bone in his body! It's how he thinks he can make people happiest and like him. Yup, he has only one friend. It's very very sad to watch as a parent. I'm sure Sue's parents are fully aware of her challenges.
I would encourage your daughter to continue practicing kindness and patience. Explaining to her that she has an opportunity to be a 'mother bird' figure here and set good examples for Sue may be helpful. My daughter who has Aspergers had such a peer in her life that has made a huge difference. She's learned so much about appropriate behavior and reactions from this girl teaching her.
Are you in a position to talk with Sue's mother? If she is generally nice then she is having boundary issues. Her mother would be the best person to help Sue, but person who is least likely to see it. Otherwise, as Sue approaches high school, her life is going to go down hill fast and she will never know why.
Invite mom over for coffee and explain what you and your daughter have observed. She may be offended, but at least she will have a heads up when Sue comes home crying about not having friends.
NYMetromom's response is spot on. I have a DD like Sue who started struggling about the same age with reading social cues from her peers. It is most kind of you to help your DD understand that although Sue doesn't really understand why her behavior is sometimes annoying, she could really have a neurological deficit. The social skills come so easily and naturally to your DD, do not come easy at all for Sue. She likely has a lot of anxiety over the natural BFF pairing up of girls around this age if she doesn't have her own BFF. Group dynamics aren't easy at this age. Sue probably is not destined to be the most popular girl, but she still does not deserve to have her heart broken by peer rejection. No one deserves that. I would encourage your DD to be a leader in character and to keep being kind and friendly to Sue. Include her in groups. She doesn't have to get together with her one-on-one outside of school and activities. And to gently be honest with her if she needs some personal space, or doesn't want to talk about a sensitive subject. She can use "I" language and make it about herself. "I really need to sit by myself for awhile, Sue. I'm not up to talking about that subject." Remind her that underneath some of her annoying behaviors, Sue has a good heart. She must be pretty lonely inside and insecure to resort to "going overboard" to win back a friendship.
I do like the responses I see from Annette D. and from NYMetromom. I have two sons with Asperger's (and the one at 18-yrs-old is learning some ways to work around his deficit; a big part has been scripts) and my youngest is High Functioning Autistic.
While my HFA child is in the public school, he functions pretty well in the regular classrooms and the school administrators work fairly hard to get him (and others like him) into "regular" classes. It is in doing group work and at PE or any extracurricular activities - that I worry that he is "off putting" to those he could be friends with.
You are blessed to have a wonderful daughter and to be as kind as you are!
From what I understand your daughter is the one who would rather not be friends with Sue. But Sue would like to be friends with your daughter. Its wonderful your teaching your daughter to practice, kindess and patience. Include how to handle her once Sue does get on her nerves. What is she suppose to do when she starts to feel aggravated before she gets to the point of feeling like she is going to blow up. Can she alone (not with a group of friends to gossip) go to a bathroom and calm down in a stall privately. Or go get a drink and have a moment to calm down. It dosent sound like Sue is really doing anything but having a big personality that is annoying.
Thank you for encouraging your daughter to be kind and patient. As others have said, Sue may have mental issues or she may be struggling at home. My daughter had a friend in middle school who was not her first choice for a friend, but I found out that there were some really heavy issues at home. Instead of sharing that with my daughter, I just said vaguely that we don't know what all she is dealing with and what is making her act like this, but we can be kind.
Help your daughter to come up with ways to change the annoying dynamic. Can she just change the subject so that your daughter can feel like she is in control of the situation? Maybe that wouldn't feel so annoying. Is there something that your daughter does like talking about that would be more interesting? Or she can excuse herself to go to the bathroom or to go ask someone a question.
