Turning Around Poor Work Habits in Kids (Working Moms in Particular)

This is hard. It sounds like you've tried all the typical stuff. All I can say is that my kids go to an after school program, and they are required to do homework for 30 minutes before they can play. If they don't have homework, they can read a book. But they must sit at a table quietly for 30 min. My 9 year old ends up working ahead sometimes, because he figures if he has to sit there anyway, he may as well do some homework.

Could you try something like that? After dinner, it is homework time at the dinner table. If you don't have homework (or if you forgot your homework), you have to spend that time at the dinner table doing extra studying for the class you have the lowest grade in. With the ages of your kids, you could make the mandatory study time an hour long, because kids those ages usually have at least that much homework.

I was a single mom with a full time job from the day my daughter was born and I have two words for you - back off.
From the time she started school, I made it clear that my daughter's homework was HER responsibility, not mine. If she needed help, she could ask and I would help her. If she needed to go to the library to do research or the store for supplies for a project, I would take her. But it was on HER to make her needs known, not on me to search through her backpack to see what assignments she had.
If she didn't do it, or didn't turn it in, she got a 0 - natural consequences.
Too many 0's and she ran the risk of failing the subject - natural consequences.
Too many failed subjects and she would have to repeat a grade - natural consequences.

Probably not much help here, but know that you are not alone. Even being at home as a SAHM it was a struggle with my son. Daughter? Always on top of everything. Nothing ever late. Everything done to the extreme plus all extra credit opportunities taken for full credits available, and most difficult assignments attacked with vigor and excitement. The dream student. Right?
Son? Not so much. And every time I have ever raised the question with teachers (through YEARS starting in elementary, right up until his 10th grade year) their response is always that it is TYPICAL. Very common. Nothing unusual about it.
Which is miserable.
I tried every organizing thing I could think of. None of it worked. What worked? Well, seemingly, part of it is simply maturity. And I suspect another piece of it for my son was allergies. He battled environmental allergies (mostly pollens, and where we live that is year round) that got worse and worse (starting when he was in K4 and his teacher noticed he sneezed all the time and could he be allergic to something in her classroom) until he went through 3 1/2 years of allergy immunotherapy (shots). In the last year of his treatment (year 4) it starting kicking in and it was amazing... No more daily OTC meds, no more piles of used tissues everywhere (bedroom, family room, car floor boards, backpack), AND he started SLEEPING BETTER. I sincerely believe that part of his forgetfulness when it came to missing assignments at school was that he was not getting good rest. He was very difficult to wake up, even though he went to bed at a more than reasonable time. He just didn't rest while he was *sleeping*... until he could breathe freely without the sinus issues. Now, he wakes up to his own alarm and is rested.

I agree with Fuzzy and Twokidmama. Back off.

Make it their responsibility. Right now they are getting too much negative attention for it, and none of it is working anyway. You should immediately stop all punitive responses to this. (You can, however, limit screen/phone time to a reasonable amount, because they should have some limits on technology anyway.) Remember the famous definition of insanity quote.

Kids generally succeed because they are intrinsically motivated to do so. Start taking the focus away from the negative behavior and start rewarding positive behavior. It might take a while, so don't expect great results overnight.

Meanwhile, I hope they read. :)

p.s. I don't give my middle school students homework because they won't do it and it sets them up for failure. So I work with a whole school of middle school students who can't manage their homework. By tenth grade they usually reach the maturity to be able to successfully manage homework, if they haven't been able to before.

I don't know if I really have good advice for you because every kid is so different. But my son (who is 11) and I used to always butt heads about homework. I was always worrying about him not doing it and pushing him to get started, to work at it, to finish it, to keep up and not procrastinate. It made the last 3 years quite hellish in the evenings because his personality was to be very stubborn, refuse to do it, get angry about it, yell, cry, slam doors, procrastinate, etc. I started him seeing a therapist due to his anger and moodiness (not necessarily homework but that was a huge issue every week that I wanted to work on). The therapist also met with me and helped me realize that it's his responsibility. I was taking thing personally. And that he is too old for me to micromanage him. She worked with him to come up with his own goals and homework plan and I am totally out of the picture now. He is in charge of himself and his plan was (and is) that he will write down every week/day what needs to be done in his daily planner. And he will work on homework after dinner. So he does whatever he wants before dinner and after homework is complete. My job is to NOT nag him or bug him about it and to not worry. He came up with this himself and so far this year (6th grade) things are doing amazingly well! Of course I don't know yet how the whole year will go, but so far I am not saying a word. If he does not do it then it is up to him to talk to his teacher about it. So far he is keeping up...he even did a book report without me even knowing about it. He showed me the finished report this morning before school. So my advice...family therapist and letting your boys be responsible for themselves. I have no idea if it would work for you though.

Well, the 17 yr old should be on his own, but he has special issues and it might help if the meds get worked out better so side effects are not as bad an issue.
As for the younger two, they might be following off the 17 yr old - but they don't have the same issues - so it might be better to separate them from the older ones homework experience.

They all NEED to learn to use a planner and use it DAILY.

Cross stitch this, frame it and hang it on the wall:
"The quickest way to fun is to get the work done!".

Fun time (tv/recreational computer use/video games/ipad/phone/etc) is a privilege, not a right.
If the fun time is not earned by constant good behavior and staying on top of homework - then they get none.
I'm serious - get a plug lock and lock up the tv - confiscate electronics and lock them in a file cabinet, take away batteries, etc.
(It doesn't bother me one bit - I'm perfectly happy with the quiet of reading a good book.)
When they've earned them, they they can have the few hours they've earned.
Until they get on top of things their life will consist of
get up,
go to school,
come home,
quick snack,
do the homework,
eat supper,
finish homework (if they didn't finish before supper),
shower,
bed time.

Repeat as often and as long as you have to.

Sit the younger two down and explain to them
"Work with me, and life can be sweet. Work against me, and life isn't going to be any fun at all. Choose wisely.".
When they earn their rewards, celebrate big time - but don't let them rest on their laurels.
They have to keep it up.

I don't have a lot of answers, but two things in your post stand out. First is the medication issue. If your oldest son is taking medication inconsistently, and is experiencing side effects that are impacting him, this will affect a big part of his life. Take him to a doctor, and another doctor after that, until he's on a good medication schedule, with the right meds and fewer side effects. My daughter takes dozens of pills a day for her many diagnoses, and consistency is imperative. If one med causes an unpleasant side effect, there are alternatives to try, or additional meds to lessen the side effects. I know we'd all prefer that our kids take fewer meds, but the reality is, some kids need medication, and the medication must be taken properly. Talk to your pharmacist. They're the medication experts. Get your son on a steady medication regimen. There's no way he should be driving if he is not taking medication consistently, unless we're talking about medicine for a little heartburn or eczema on his shin.

The second issue is the sitter. What are his or her responsibilities? Are they to maintain order in the house (no rough-housing and knocking over lamps), prepare supper or snacks, make sure the tv is not on? Or are the responsibilities to ensure that school work is done, check planners, organize tomorrow's work, clean out the backpacks and properly deal with paperwork? Perhaps you need more of a tutor, a trained teacher to stay with your children from 4 - 6 and help with assignments and regulate the homework. Have you given your sitter explicit instructions regarding the hours from 4 - 6? Is the sitter qualified to tutor and manage 3 kids' homework schedules and planners and worksheets? There are many retired teachers or trained teachers available for tutoring. Maybe that's what you need instead of a sitter, since your kids are doing so poorly in school.

Or maybe they need to go a place like Sylvan after school, until they can develop some personal responsibility. Send them there from 4 - 6 until they pull those grades up without being told to do every little thing. Be consistent with your punishments. Don't keep permitting then forbidding things ("you went to a party last week but this week you can't". ) Forbid everything until your sons demonstrate consistent maturity, responsibility, trustworthiness, and accountability. It sounds too chaotic. For now, school and personal responsibility and self-management are the priorities.

Are your other kids struggling in school too? I'm just wondering because typically kids get sloppy with work if they just feel overwhelmed. So maybe just be sure (talk to teacher) to make sure they get the work. Easier for a kid to say "I forgot it" then to admit he doesn't understand. So just rule that out.

We do work when they get home. When I worked, it was at kitchen table while I prepped for supper. Now that I'm home, it's still at kitchen table when they get home. Snack, no pressure, then the rest of the day is theirs. I would not leave this to a sitter (no way). I need to oversee. I'd love to say all my kids would naturally pull out their books, but no. One of mine might - the others I have to be on top of them. I just assume that's my job. My husband would be more leave it to them and see how they do ... but I know how they'd do. I don't micromanage, and if they are late on passing something in or get a low mark, they have to go in and deal with it and make up for it. But making sure they do their homework - yes, I make sure. And I'm available for help.

My husband's parents had no interest in their homework and my husband struggled through school. My parents had us sit at kitchen table, and we all did well. It also made it more enjoyable than being in a room somewhere else - I personally wouldn't like that. So find a spot they like doing their work at. If they get distracted, I just make the kids who are playing go outside or downstairs to play.

Good luck :)

I had to ponder this for a bit because although I was wildly successful with my older two the younger two were mover vexing. I can't even fully claim the older two were anything I did. They went to latchkey kindergarten through 2nd, the toys were so boring there that they did their homework so that went they got home they could play with their friends and apparently after two years it became habit.

The younger two have been moments of amazing followed by shock that I still have hair on my head.

The one bit of advice that I know is true for any child with ADHD is the plan must be worked out with the child. You cannot decree to a kid with ADHD we will fight back just for the sport of it even though it is a perfect plan. Seriously, ask any honest person with ADHD, when they are told you must do this the brain automatically says, wanna bet!

Of course the benefit of that is if you seriously tell them they cannot do something you still get the wanna bet!!

What we are working on with my son is helping him organize his homework into manageable chunks. He is a rock star right up until he misses one assignment and then he spirals out of control because he cannot handle the stress of being behind. So we locate everything, thankfully he school keeps assignments and digital versions of the textbooks online. Then he has to assign a time he reasonably thinks it will take to knock out each piece. Then we break it down so that he isn't having to do homework for 2 hours or until his brain explodes. We just started this two weeks ago so I have no idea if it is going to work over the long run but so far so good.

Both my younger kids use their study halls to full advantage. Even at an hour and a half they know if they can do it all there they don't even have to deal with homework.

All of us hate homework! :)

Oh and take his textbooks when they come home. There is a number, can't remember if it starts with IN or En or two other letters, but, if you put these numbers into google it will locate the textbook and some have free online versions so have an online version for a small fee. Although children should remember to bring their books home it is just not my hill to die on. Oh, and also, the school may have a code to get all the books online so just ask. I mean one less thing they can forget at school, ya know?

What do privileges have to do with homework?

Also, you are the parent and some random caregiver should NOT be doing homework with your kids. You have NO idea if they even have a clear understanding of the material or what they are saying has ANY merit at all.

I always told my parents that I would NOT allow the kids to do homework at the center. Because my staff with the school kids were supposed to be watching 19 other kids AND they might not even have a high school diploma and if they did they might have learned math entirely different than this teacher wanted it taught.

So, you need to talk to your son's teachers and let them know that your sons need to stay in for recess or lunch break or what ever and do their work at school. I know this isn't ideal for the older ones but if they are seriously that far behind what is the teacher doing? It's HER/HIS job to discipline the kids or give consequences for the student not doing their work. Kids need immediate consequences AT SCHOOL for them to finally get it and understand that they have to do the work.

All this does is make you the bad guy and they don't have consequences at school. That teacher needs to manage this. Obviously what you're doing at home has no effect at all.

First -- bravo to you for working to make some real changes for the kids. You will not have to micromanage them forever, but yes, you will have to do a full-court press here, especially for the middle schooler, because MS is when kids simply have to learn to study and turn in assignments, so they are not overwhelmed and failing in HS.

Becoming organized, setting priorities and making choices about which homework should be done first, or which can be put off, etc., are all learned processes; children are not born knowing how to set priorities, or how to study effectively (or at all), or how to budget their time.That's why, since your kids need to learn those basics, the "let them fail and take the consequences" idea -- while it IS a good one at times -- isn't the one for them, not yet. You know that doesn't work with your kids right now anyway.

You can do this and you're determined. But it could mean making some time or shifting the kids' schedules in some way that you and/or dad can get short but very focused face to face time daily, even in the evenings, to review what they are doing. I don't mean "review" as in "check it's correct." Not your job. Instead, look at what tasks they have, talk through priorities and ensure they have what they need. "Read me what you've been assigned for the week.....OK, so the English one-page essay is due on Friday and the math is due on Wednesday. Today's Monday. You say you find English harder than math, and the essay is for a bigger grade than the math, which is just the weekly homework. So: How do you plan to break down the work?" Then you prompt a short discussion about how working on the essay in pieces each day may be better than waiting until Thursday, or even Wednesday.

Is the sitter doing that level of up-close help, prompting them to think ahead, teaching them to set priorities?

As for the sitter being there to review their assignment books as you mentioned -- I wonder if they are taking the sitter seriously on that front. The sitter may be terrific but that doesn't mean they respect her or him like they do you or dad. They may need this to be done by you or dad, frankly, even if it's later in the evening. They may feel (even if you say the opposite) that the sitter really cannot enforce discipline or take away things if they blow off work. And clearly, having the sitter "make sure everything is done before they are allowed TV or play time" is truly not working -- the evidence is that assignments simply aren't done. How can you work with the sitter on this? Is the sitter really up for being tougher? And I'd tell the kids that the stakes for getting assignments turned in just became much higher, and the consequences will last much longer.

With the one who is not turning in homework and getting 40s etc.--what are the consequences at home for that? Does he actually do it and then just forget it as it's crumpled in a bag or locker, so it's an organization/forgetfulness issue, or does he not do it at all? I hate to say it but if he's not doing it at all, then it might be time for some household changes for everyone. Eliminating ALL screen time (other than for school) from Sunday evening until after school on Friday might help remove distractions. But you'd need to do it for all three kids and be totally consistent and resist a lot of protests....It sounds as if you've used pretty big consequences so far (like losing driving privileges or sports) and that's not working, which I admit would worry me too. What would they really miss if you took it away for a truly substantial time -- think in months or school semesters, not days or weeks? What if they lose something big (would be different for each kid, I'm sure) and then have to earn it back by doing assignments, rather than losing things after the fact when they don't do assignments? That may sound harsh, but for me, getting those good habits into place -- at the very minimum, getting assignments turned in -- might require a "short, sharp shock" for your kids who as you say are "too comfortable slacking off."

About those assignment books: Are these school-issued planners? Does the school set a high priority on the kids keeping up with them and entering EVERY assignment every day IN class? If not -- you will need to set that rule for your kids and then enforce it.

Your oldest with the IEP might be best served if you make time for a focused meeting with whatever staff member is the appropriate one, whichever person knows him, his needs and his IEP best. Your oldest son might need more frequent oversight by someone who's not you or dad (since teens sometimes respond better to adults who aren't their parents). Maybe he needs a daily check-in with someone AT school on his workload and priorities. Is that happening already since he has an IEP? Has the school shown concern about his work habits and academics since he's pretty close to graduation? (I would figure the school would have done so already--? Maybe they have.)

Starting in Kindergarten, the after school routine has always been come home, have a snack, do homework (not so much in kindy) and handle "parent homework" like forms, permission slips, calendars, etc. Every school day, including Fridays. Other than a snack, nothing else is done until homework is finished. (Exceptions for long term projects and when special supplies must first be acquired.)

Have a section of wall dedicated to pinning up school information and schedules. We use the door leading to the basement in our kitchen. It works better to keep it up and in everybody's face rather than tucked away somewhere.

Starting in 1st grade, they use planners for writing down assignments and other homework. These are read and signed by a parent daily. Various classwork is organized into color. Red folders and notebooks for math, yellow for English, Green for science, etc. By the time they get through elementary school, the organization and habits are solidified.

In school, my kids both like to use their study hall time to do any work they might have been given so far that day. Most of the work they do bring home was assigned after their study period.

A consistent routine is good for all kids, but it is actually an essential life-skills need for an ADD/ADHD kid. It requires active adult participation to establish, teach and enforce before it becomes a natural habit.

All the punishments and privilege loss in the world will not fix this problem. They can't do what they have not yet been taught to do. It is a good idea to just stop all of that. It only makes everyone miserable, including you.

Is your afternoon sitter qualified to help with this? Work with her to establish routines that she will then direct in your absence. You might need more than one routine depending on the needs of your individual kids. The 17-year-old should have input for himself too. If your sitter is simply a warm body, you may need to replace her with a general tutor of sorts. I know college students on an education track who do this.

Anything this person can't do because it requires a legal parent, make sure you do the minute you walk in the door from work. Show the kids that not even mom gets to procrastinate on school duty.

You will also need to communicate with the teachers to work out a better way to have successful school-home communication. All schools have different setups and processes. For example, our district has a system where I can log on at any time and see my kid's assignments and grades in all classes. I get an email update every Saturday. That would include any missing work if applicable. Many of the textbooks are online now, so kids can leave the physical books at school and access the texts on the computer at home.

Because you have a late start it will take awhile. Don't plan for anything to go smoothly for a few months. Your goal is for a better NEXT school year while improving this one as much as possible as you go along.

I agree with Fuzzy and 2kidmama. They're not worrying about it because you're stressing for them. I would let them know, "I'm sorry, I realize I've been too involved in your school work. I want you to know I think you're perfectly capable of making these things happen. I know you're smart enough to realize that too many missed papers will result in a failing grade and too many failing grades results in being held back a year. I wouldn't want to be held back, but it's really not up to me. It's up to you. I'll be here for you if you need help understanding something." When they forget an assignment or can't find something: "Bummer! What are you going to do?" If someone wants to go do something or have recreational time, "Sure you can do that as soon as your homework is complete. Forgot your homework? Rats! That really stinks, what are you going to do?" I'd also let the teachers know you're going to start doing this for your sanity. I promise they will support you because all the teachers I know want to see kids take responsibility for their actions.

I read a great book called Bright Minds, Poor Grades by Michael Whitley. A great read and can apply a lot of the principles right away.

Good luck! I know it's hard to let them fail. Most of the time failure is what motivates people to change their course of action. :)

Blessings!
L.