I have two beautiful children and I LOVE being a mom. In fact, I would venture it say it is just about the only thing I am good at (it certainly isn't housekeeping or cooking! ;-)
As soon as I had my youngest (about a year ago) I knew I wanted another one. The problem? My husband is done.
He has a long list of reasons why he doesn't want a third and most of them do make a lot of sense. Just as an example: we would have to cut back on seeing my family because they all live far enough away that we have to fly to see them. Five plane tickets would cost an arm and a leg! There are a host of other reasons, and I do understand where he is coming from, but I just can't seem to shake the feeling that if I don't have another baby I am really going to regret it.
The tough part is that after months and months of conversation, it is obvious that he is not going to change his mind. We have just under 10 years age difference between us and he doesn't want to be an "old dad" (he would be just under 40! NOT old!).
Basically, I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and what happened. If you don't have another baby, how do you learn to get past it so you aren't living with the constant feeling of regret?
We did decide to go for baby #3...I am due in a week and couldn't be more excited. AND...I know for sure this time that I am DONE! I do not feel even a little sad about this being my last one - I am going to enjoy every minute of it and then be happy to let go of the baby stuff. I already feel like my family is complete :) My husband is excited too - it took him a while to come around, though. He was really nervous about doing it, but now he is so excited and ready to do the newborn thing one more time...and then we are both looking forward to Phase 2...raising three little ones!
I believe regret is a choice, you can choose to dwell or you can choose to move on and enjoy the family that you have and chose to have. Good Luck !!!!
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I'm in my 60's and have known dozens of women who at one time or another desperately wished for another baby. Like you, I found I was really "good" at mothering, and always thought little babies were the most wonderful thing in the world. But I stopped at one for good, practical reasons, and have never regretted it.
Most of my women friends have never regretted stopping with the one or two they had. A few women who went ahead and had "one more baby" did regret it, for any number of reasons. Of course they loved all their babies, and they all survived somehow, but some had children who turned out to be too much for the emotional or energy resources of the parents, or the family finances. Sometimes because the child was born with expensive medical issues, or neurological problems, or because one of the parents' health failed. Some ended up divorced and trying to raise too many kids on their own, and deeply regretting they couldn't give their children all they deserved.
In many, many conversations with my women friends, we have all reflected on the sheer joy of realizing our blessings, whether that was one child or three, or in a couple of cases, no children in spite of trying for years. If you can come to terms with the limitations of your life, you can generally find a way to live fully and joyously within those boundaries. Please don't ever give your living children a hint that they are not enough to make you happy. In truth, they are enough, but you may need to pull your focus in closer in order to realize that.
There's also the health of our beautiful planet to consider. Past generations should have been paying closer attention. They didn't, so parents today would do well to educate themselves. The population curve is no longer a gradual upward slope; it's a line running almost straight up. We'll soon be at a tipping point that will jeopardize the well-being of all the children we're bringing onto the Earth, and the very climate we depend upon will no longer be able to maintain itself.
Nature guarantees the future of the human species by making babies "feel" so desirable, in spite of the pain, discomforts, and sacrifices of birthing and raising them. That does not mean we can reasonably go on seeking to fulfill that hunger, any more than we can possibly eat all the food that would taste good. Baby hunger is hormonal, it's cultural, it's emotional, and will be there no matter how many babies some of us have. But we don't have to dwell on it. We can live fully and be fulfilled in spite of it.
It is a choice. We who get past it focus on being thankful, and we let go of unrealistic or impossible dreams, and we live, right now in this amazing moment with the amazing child(ren) we do have. And if we're so lucky, we have a loving husband right there beside us.
I had health problems and was told I could never have any children.
I didn't exactly handle it well because I wanted a bunch of them!
Miraculously, I got two.
10 years apart.
I wanted another baby so badly after my second one, but I was back in the hospital and had to have a complete hysterectomy when he was 15 months old.
I admit I have felt sad I couldn't have more children, but TWO is better than ZERO!
Two beautiful, perfectly healthy and normal, happy children.
I learned a long time ago to be happy with what I was blessed with rather than be sad for not being MORE blessed.
My husband was 10 years older than me. He's 58. Our youngest kid is 15. HIS oldest from his first marriage is 37.
We've been divorced 14 years but I told him the other day I would only take him back if we could have another baby.
I thought he was going to have a heart attack.
He said by the time our "baby" is 18, he will have had a minor child at one point or another for a span of 40 years.
He'll be 61 when our son is 18.
(I'll only be 51 and still hot.)
:)
My mom was 38 when I was 18.
All I can say is that if your husband doesn't want another baby, don't fight with him about it. Try to think of things from his side too.
Having a 20 year old when you are 40 is a big difference from having a 20 year old when you're 60.
You can't be mad at him for crunching the numbers. I never thought of it really until my ex husband put it the way he did. Four kids....40 years with minor children, start to finish. Just because a kid turns 18, you're not automatically "free".
To get my "baby" fix, I did daycare, especially loved newborns and babies, and always had a house full of other people's children. I was involved with Brownies, Girl Scouts, was a room mother at school, volunteered on all the class trips. You name it.
My daughter is 24 and expecting my first grand baby in May.
Cha-ching!
I can't regret not having more babies. That would be a sad way of spending my time when I have so much to be thankful for and have been blessed with a heart that little kids gravitate to.
P.S.....I work in a maternity ward in a hospital taking care of all the birth certificates so I am around babies all the time.
If you can't have more....borrow them!
Look, I have to be honest. The urge to have more children never went away for me. But I can honestly say I don't REGRET only having the two I have.
Call me crazy, but I also think there might be something literally biological about craving another baby when our precious cherubs are about a year old. First of all, we love them so much, how could we not want more of that? But, I think hormones have a lot to do with it too.
Humans are just about the only species that doesn't "mate" in order to get pregnant every time we are fertile.
It doesn't mean the urges aren't there.
Be busy with the love you have for your kids. You have a beautiful family.
You are lucky and blessed.
Focus on that for now.
Very best wishes!
Yep. Hubby is sure about not wanting anymore, and I would continue with no problem.
It did hit me one day that having 2 will just be better. If I have another, number 2 will just continue to get neglected. In fact, friends that have 3 have told me that they feel bad for number 2 because number 2 just doesn't get the same amount of attention and focus as the other kids. So, for my son, I am going to stop. I want him to have mommy. I don't want him to have to share with yet another kid.
I also know that this feeling will pass. In terms of basic biology, I think we are programmed to want another kid when our current babies hit the 6 month mark or so. I also think that when they hit the 18 month mark, some of that longing wears off.
Somone else posted this question earlier in the week, so I'm reposting my response (with irrelevant parts edited).
What I have learned from working with families is that when one partner feels strongly that the family cannot handle another child, then there will be no more children from that union, especially for the men. Men are "providers" and each child is wonderful, but... dads see each child as another long-term financial commitment and more years until they can retire and enjoy their wife again.
No one likes to talk about this topic b/c it sounds really harsh, but it is true. I can tell you that men worry about whether or not they can "afford" to have another child down to the craziest detail (braces, sneakers, activities, tuition, food, clothing, etc).
If he's telling you that he's "done", then he's "done". This is most likely about your need to be "needed" than truly wanting another child. For many mothers the idea of "we're done with babies" is overwhelming- most get through it quickly and move on with enjoying their family. For some, they need help working through it and accepting the family they have been blessed with.
He is not going to change his mind and your relationship cannot move forward until you decide that you are ready to let go of this. You will not regret forgoing a third child, but you will resent your husband if you do not work through this together.
You just have to tell yourself youre done. There is no patch or pill for it. It's all in your own head. It will get easier in time. The two you have now will have you so busy you wont have time to think about the third soon. And you will probably one day say "wow, I'm sure glad I didnt have any more kids".... and then you will follow that with "wow, I cant believe I could finally say that without regret" :)
My hubby and I have 2 boys together and his daughter. I would LOVE to have another, but when I was pregnant with our 2nd he said he was done. And he meant it. I made the decision to accept that b/c if I chose to dwell on wanting more and resenting him for not our life would be miserable.
Instead I focus on the amazing, healthy, wonderful kids we have and count my blessings.
We had two wonderful boys three years apart. We never picked a "number" of kids to have.....I asked abput having a third and he said no way. He even made a vasectomy appt. (with my knowledge) and I was so upset he cancelled it. It took three years and some tears, but eventually he agreed. I asked why he finally changed his mind and he simply said because he loves me and couldn't take something I wanted tnat only he could give away from me..... Our third boy was born 18 months ago and I have to say he's an even better Daddy now than before....he's super involved. Things change over time sometimes. Don't give up quite yet.
I'm in a similar boat in SO many ways (including the cooking and cleaning, but loving the mommy role! LOL) BUT you might be surprised at your reaction if you Dh DOES come around. After our 2nd, I fussed and stressed having a hard time letting go of the idea of a 3rd. We had agreed on 2 and done for SO many reasons. We have our girl and boy and life is great! So why did I pine for another? Well, recently, after much convincing myself, I told Dh (he's deployed) that I would be selling the baby stuff at the garage sale in the Spring, and he told me he could go for 1 more and seemed almost angry that I "wanted" to stop! YIKES! I think he was relying on ME to be the one to not be done and keep things in check while he was the voice of "reason". Suddenly, I had a hundred reasons why we had to be done! The REALITY of having another was much more shocking than the "dream" of having another and although I still yearn for another, I know the right thing for our family is to stop at 2. That said, I REALLY wish my Dh would be the one to make the decision to be done and go get his V because then it's not me making the decision. I mean, if he makes the decision, I can't regret MY decision, right? LOL
If you want me to send you some thoughts on how I am working thru being at peace and just enjoying and loving my 2...I'd be happy to PM them to you.
Oh...another thing you can do is send your Dh away for a year for work and manage it all on your own, and then you might reconsider! LOL (Half joking). We've have a few illnesses hit us all recently, and I didn't know if I would survive! (We all did, but it was tough!) The only thing worse than a houseful of sick kids is a houseful of sick kids with a sick mom!
The biggest thing though is to think about your "next chapter" and get excited about that. It is very easy to get "stuck" in the bliss of the babymakin' years...I mean, once we start getting good at it...the stage changes! But to look forward to family trips, school days, events, etc. as your children grow and think about the advantages of the older stages of your kids and think about how a newborn/infant 3rd child could impact that.
Not a miracle cure for the baby fever, but if you can get excited about things to come it can help in moving past the "mourning" of moving out of baby-stage. I try to remind myself that my job here isn't to have children, but to raise upstanding adults to go on after me.
Good luck!
I kind of wanted a 4th baby, but my 3rd has been such a terror that my fiance and I practically screamed 'NO MORE!!'... it was really, really hard at first for me, I've always wanted 4 children. My fiance is 38, he too shares the 'old dad' point of view (you're right, NOT OLD!)... but I'm only 27, I've got yeeears of baby making years ahead. It was tough, but our family dynamic now is so crazy busy, I couldn't imagine bringing another little one into this, LOL!! It does make me a little sad for my son; he's the baby, and my daughters are 5 and 7 years old and super close as siblings... I'm probably not helping here, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone, and in time, the feeling does pass. I'm scared to death of ever being pregnant again now, because my son has been SUCH a hard baby... I don't think my fiance and I would survive the stress again, honestly. So what do I do now when that baby feeling hits? Smooch on other people's babies and GIVE THEM BACK, go home, kiss my kids, and love my life :)
I love reading these responses. Before we got married, DH and I agreed on having three or four kids. We would stop at three kids if we had at least one boy and one girl. If we had three boys, we would adopt a fourth (girl) from China.
After having a girl and a boy, DH said he was done. Well, I wasn't. I kept badgering DH for #3, and I felt guilty that I was always bringing up the subject, even though #2 was less than a year old. DH was happy with just the two healthy kids that we already had, and he didn't want another drama queen like our daughter. I had always pictured myself with three kids, and wanted at least two of the same sex, because that's what I grew up with. Finally, DH relented because he knew that I would regret not having a third baby (I'm 38) and take it out on him later.
We just had #3 (a boy!) five weeks ago. I can tell you that I have a wonderful sense of completion now that I have my three wee ones. I finally feel like I am done, and I can move on. I don't feel bad getting rid of my maternity clothes, and I'm not TOO sad now that my son is already outgrowing his newborn clothes.
DH is over the moon with his second son, and he is a better father now than he was with the first two. He has even joked several times about now wanting a fourth child. I think he is just trying to test me because he was convinced that even if we had a third child, I would just badger him to have a fourth. I do not have the urge to have a fourth child, and don't think I ever will, unless he really wants one.
I will say that when I first found out I was pregnant with #3, one of my high school friends had started posting Facebook updates about his newborn son. His son has Down Syndrome, and had (and continues to have) several open heart surgeries and other complications. I immediately worried that I might be carrying a Down Syndrom baby. I also worried that my older two children would be scarred for life because I wasn't paying enough attention to them while I was nauseous and fatigued. I also worried that if #3 was a girl, my husband would be resentful of me for wanting another baby when our daughter is already such a handful. (Nothing against having girls. Our daughter really is a drama queen, and is about all the girly craziness that we can handle.) So I was very fortunate that #3 is a healthy boy.
I hope you and your husband can come to some kind of agreement or you can find a way to be at peace with just two. I was definitely in your shoes a couple years ago, and I know that when my husband and I were in disagreement on the number of kids we wanted, it was all I could ever think about. Good luck to you!
I feel for you. I was in the exact same position a couple of years ago. I thought I was okay being done at 2. I even got rid of all the baby stuff. Then I realized I REALLY wanted another baby. Hubby had a million reasons as to why not also. It really put a huge strain on our marriage because I was SO mad. Yes, of course I was happy with my 2, and I love them with all my heart, but I always wanted 4 kids, so to stop at 2 was hard. Well, after a couple of years of this possibly ruining the marriage completely, my husband agreed to try for number 3. Someone had to lose and someone was going to win. He did not want to lose his entire family over this. I know he wasn't thrilled when I did announce I was pregnant, but he dealt with it okay. Now that our baby is 9 months old, and a very easy going cuddly baby (thank God!) my husband is very much in love with him. He will say that he wanted to stop at 2, but after having 3 he would never get rid of him of course. So good luck! I know how hard it can be and the feeling of resentment I had towards my husband at the time.
How about this for a surprise? I am fifty three, have two grown sons, married my husband almost sixteen years ago, never COULD HAVE a baby with him, my husband didn't want to adopt, craved one all those years, had uterine cancer about 18 months ago, had a hysterectomy, cannot have babies at ALL, still crave one, still dream about it, still think I feel feelings once in awhile and my husband still doesn't want to adopt. So, not sure if you ever get over it. I just try to be happy in other ways. But that one will nag me til the moment I die.
I know your situation except its the other way around for us. My husband wanted another baby, well wants to try for another one later on. I told him no. I don't want anymore kids. I am pregnant with number 2 right now and he is due May 8th. My husband wanted a little girl and was happy when the dr said we were having a girl then we found out we were having a boy and he was really crushed. But the reasoning I gave him is Kids are expensive. I love kids but as much as people say "Well money shouldn't matter when you have kids" well that's all well and good for some people but you need money to take care of your kids other wise they get taken away. I am only 23 years old and I am done, I am having my tubes tied the day after I have my son. Another thing I pointed out to my husband is " do you want to deal with my hormones for another 9 months?" After that my husband knew my point and understands. I know I won't regret it. I've been pregnant 3 times but have one beautiful son and another on the way. I have been sick with all three pregnancies. I am done, plus I have a back injury that gets worse with each pregnancy. But I would not push your husband into something he doesn't want. I would just bite the bullet with it because you can't force it. Sorry to say. Good luck though.
My situation is a little different. I have 2 beautiful boys whom I absolutely adore, and always wanted number 3. To me, that was the perfect number of children. I always had issues with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and had some rather complicated pregnancies. My woman issues got worse after each child, with very long periods, usually 1-2 weeks in between periods, cysts and anemia. My long-time doctor gave me some choices to alleviate this long-standing situation, and as my husband was done with having children, and I knew he wouldn't change his mind either, I decided to opt for the partial hysterectomy (my ovaries were left, but burned so cysts were less likely to occur). It has definitely taken away all the pain I cried over for so long, and I now don't get mad at the hubby for not "allowing" me my 3rd child.
However, I feel a constant regret over having chosen such a permanent method of pain relief. I am always asking myself if I could have been strong enough to endure just one more year of pain for the possibility of having another child? Would my husband have eventually changed his mind?
My hysterectomy was over a year ago now, I am not one of the naive who thinks I can have a normal pregnancy without my uterus, and know that adoption would be the only option for having another child (which my husband doesn't even want to think about due to cost). Now I have been dreaming of being pregnant - last night I had twins! While I am trying to get over this and think of the healthier lifestyle I have been able to adopt because of the hysterectomy, and all of the extra time I have with my kids because I am not laying in bed crippled by pain, it still nags at me every once in a while.
All I can say through all of this is to really focus on the positive and realize that God has a plan for all of us - you probably are an awesome mother and your 2 kids adore you - focus the energy that you would have given to baby # 3 on them and it will all make sense. I have taken up some extra hobbies that revolve around my kids, so I can see God's plan in action - scrapbooking all of the joyous moments I have had with my boys, photographing the wonder in their lives, and taking more vacations that we wouldn't be able to take with a new baby due to cost and age restrictions - white water rafting, roller coasters, walking around NYC... everything comes with good and bad consequences, but you need to be able to see the good in the bad.
I hope you are able to get through this - mine is still a work in progress!
i guess i don't get it? regret of what?
if he doesn't want another baby then it can always be put up for adoption.
Not exactly sure, but I want three, always have and hubs just said if the next is a boy, we are done......I'm sure I'll be in your boat soon.....but I look at it like this: Some people NEVER experience the joy of parenthood for many reasons, so I am resolving to be happy with the blessing/s I have and though I may think about it from time to time, truth is I am truly blessed. :) I know you know that already, so that's where I would say to focus your energy when you get to feeling like there is something missing.......
I know how u feel. I have a 20 month old and would love to have another baby... But my hubby (like yours) says he's done. He has a 14 year old from a previous relationship who lives with us full time.my hubby says he's going to go get the snip... And I guess my problem is that he's not giving me a say in this decision. I'm ok with the 2 we have now and would be ok not having another one... I just want the option to be available. I have no solution yet as I'm still in the same boat as u.. So hang in there... Hopefully our guys will come to their senses and at least be a little more considerate of our feeling on the subject. {{{hugs}}}
My friend's husband said "NO MORE KIDS" after their second child... now they have 4. He was very stern, but I guess the barrier broke down over the years.
Keep your chin up. You never know where your life will take you. Try and enjoy the moment for what it is. I know, missed regrets are so hard, especially with another child, but try and busy yourself with as much joy as you can muster up with the ones you have.
My hubs was like this. Luckily, somehow, #3 surprised us. You have to respect him, but he has to respect you too. Find arguments, and most of all INCENTIVES you would do for him if he considers your wishes. Think of something you could do financially, since that's his main issue. It does cost more to have 3 than 2. If you make the effort and stay kind to him (don't try to make him feel bad or guilty) he may come around. Don't forget to seduce him a lot! We had our 3rd when I was 39 and he was 40. We don't feel old at all! Good luck, you're right, it's hard, I kind of want 4 and think I'll always be a bit sad to not have more-and I may adopt (over the hub's dead body). The hubs is REALLY done now. But he loves #3. You have more time than your hubs does. But he won't feel any older in 2-3 years than he does now. Don't give up yet.
You must decide... is this a hard limit for you? Are you willing to leave your husband to find another man who wants to have more children? Are you willing to force the issue - not knowing what may happen? Can you apply pressure to him to go to marriage counseling over this?
Personally... I am 100% with you. My current husband didn't want any bio children, he was happy enough playing Dad to my daughter from another relationship. I wanted more. I told him he had a year to change his mind or I was leaving him. He changed his mind to "absolutely not" to "If it happens it happens". We have been together only 3 years 3 months. I am 4 months pregnant with #2. He was shocked for the first few days but is a lot more happy and excited now.
I went through the same thing with my husband. We have four (I wanted five, have since I was a little girl) but he refused and insisted on having a vasectomy done. For a long time I felt anger, betrayal and regret, because I do wonder who I missed meeting. I even knew what names I was going to use. So it was really big and it took me about 3 1/2 years to finally get past it and move on. I said good bye and I can admit that I really didn't want another section (I had to do two) and that the children I have are quite a handful and adding another probably would have been crazy.
This is a hard one though. You can't "force" your husband to give you another child and neither can you ignore your desire for one. This is something that you will both have to work out among the two of you, together. You both need get it all out there, both sides. I was pressured into agreeing with my husband and I really regretted it. It took me talking to someone through my Church to help me finally accept it. You two may need to find a mediator to help with this but you must both be on board the decision you make or it will cause a lot of stress and other problems in the marriage. I do know from experience.
While it never goes away, the feeling does change and it gets easier to bear. Big hugs.
I am really going through this too. My husband and I are done. We have a 6 year old daughter and an 3 year old son (will be 4 in May). We have always only talked about 2 kids. It just fits for us. My big thing is that I don't want them so far apart, 4 years is WAY to far apart for me personally. So its either wait a few more years and have 2 more or just be done. I am 99.90% sure that we are just done. But I can't help but feel sometimes that they is supposed to be a third baby there...Its hard to shake that feeling...
There is no arguments here I said I'm Done & that is it...I have 3 kiddos right now oldest 7,middle 4, last 2 I can & can't see myself with another baby.I'll be 31 soon he is 36.Our 3rd was a surprise in a way we weren't on top of protection but I thought for sure since all the medical issues I had endured after our second that this missed period was stress till another week went by & no period followed by numerous testing including a Drs office test prior to my missed period..WOW was she holding out on us & I can't see my life without her & my other 2 kiddos.There are many reasons why I don't want another baby if you would like to know i'll tell you.He however has never mentioned or questioned my reasons behind it he just goes with it.
Have you explained to him that you may regret this feeling of not following through of having another baby?Does he understand but still gives you the NO there isn't going to be a 3rd?Just because the parents live far away isn't a valid reason to me not to have another baby.How is your marriage now?
