I know that I'm probably going to be reamed here but here it goes. A friend of mine just told me that she is finally pregnant after a miscarriage 2 years ago and trying every since. I am happy for her I truly am. However I just had a close friend of mine go through a miscarriage after being pregnant 20 weeks (she lost hers a couple weeks ago) and another friend who lost hers after the first trimester. It's only been two weeks since they've had their miscarriages and I'm trying to be there for them. Needless to say, I've been very emotional for both of them and especially my oldest/closest friend because she found out the day that she was suppose to find out the gender and we were so excited.
I don't know how to get around being worried for my newly pregnant friend, especially considering her previous medical problems. She's just barely a month pregnant and already asking what I think about for names. I tried to explain to her that I'm still working through my sadness with my other friends and she didn't take it well. I can see her point of view that she needs me to be happy for her but I can't force something when I still feel the sadness for my other friends. The only thing I can think of is to avoid her until I can work through my sadness and worry. Anyone have any other suggestions? Please sheath the claws as I'm already feeling bad about feeling bad.
OMG @B - thank you thank you. Your reply was so insightful and perfect. That's what I needed. I really couldn't figure out why I was feeling so torn. I am happy for my pregnant friend - so much so that I was looking up names on my own yesterday but then I thought of my closest friend and ugh, just couldn't shake off the feeling that I was doing something wrong. I felt so bad about it. Wow, I feel like a cloud has been lifted. I am going to take a little breather from each situation to regroup. What better way to start the new year right? Thank you again.
I guess you people don't seem to realize that this just happened and on top of everything else I'm emotionally spent. I didn't think I needed to spell out that I've been talking with my friends, crying with them and trying to feel positive for their situation. I'm glad it's so easy for those of you to immediately switch from feeling remorse, sorrow into happy, go lucky. For me - well I feel far more deeply and no, it did not happen to me but it doesn't mean I can't feel the my closest friends pain.
Its so amazing to me how there are certain people here who judge so easily. I already said I felt bad about how I feel and yet there you go pointing out the obvious. I'm I being selfish? Well, duh, yes. Are you helping by telling me I am and that I just need to get over it? Nope. I was asking how to not be selfish and negative. You telling me to just be happy - well, how? Again, it must be nice to just flip a switch. Thank you Laurie A and SouthernYankee for at least trying to understand my emotions instead of accusations. I would hope that others would understand that having two friends with devastating losses at the same time is much harder to get over and go through. I've only had one friend in the past have a miscarriage. I thought it was just a fluke but again - this time around it seems as though I know more friends now who have gone through it. I can't even begin to understand their loss as I never had to go through it; however I do see and absorb their pain.
I'm not crying right now - I'm just sad for the losses. My friends are doing better... that's why we are friends because we understand and support one another without judgement. I listened to what happened, I cried with her and we hugged - heck we even laughed. She is moving on and working through it much healthier and better than my current friend who had her miscarriage; however, it doesn't mean that the sadness just goes away and again its doubled because of my other friend who just lost hers. And frankly, this is about me - it's about me trying to work through all these emotions so that I can be a better friend. How can I be a good friend if I can't work though what I feel on my own without dragging her down with me?
I would " fake until you make it" or I would avoid her for a while , you can blame the holidays for being busy & out of touch for a while.
I understand, but at the same time, it's NOT healthy for YOU to "absorb their pain" as you said in your SWH.
You can sympathize, you can empathize, you can support them. But to get so enmeshed in THEIR pain that it causes YOU to be emotionally spent, that's really not healthy.
And it's hurting you in other ways, because now you feel you can't be happy for someone because you're too wrapped up in being sad for other people.
Somehow, take a step back. Being a good friend is NOT about being enmeshed in their feelings. It's about being there for them. It's about giving them the support and love so they can feel their own pain/joy with you, not for you to feel it as well. If you're wrapping yourself up in their pain, you CAN'T support them. It's not the same thing.
Deep breath
You know that old original Star Trek episode 'The Empath'?
There was an empath who could absorb others injuries and make it all better?
Great science fiction but you can't live your life like that.
I get that you are suffering with your friends - yes it's all very supportive, very group therapy like.
And yet, all the hurting and crying on your part in no way helps to take away or heal their pain - they will always feel it to a degree.
You feel by being happy for someone else is somehow being unsupportive of your hurting friends - it's not.
You can still feel joy and it's in no way any sort of disloyalty to your friends - maybe getting them to a grief support group would be best thing.
It might be a good idea to take a step back from all your friends emotional needs for a moment or two and find your own balance for a bit.
Losing yourself in their grief is not the same as being supportive.
Realize your anger in your SWH is also a grief response.
Stages of grief:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Picking a fight right now with relative strangers online give you something to do besides crying.
You need a grief support group - now - a bit of professional guidance could help you and your friends.
You have a right to be sad. Friends of yours have suffered a loss. However, you really need to fake it until you feel it with your newly pregger friend. She is so excited and wants to share the joy with you.
Life is a circle. I would look at like this, in the dark, there is now a light. Your friend. Be joyous for her. Don't avoid her that is not fair. To me, again, that is a cause to celebrate, a new life.
I don't have my "claws" out. But I don't get where you are coming from. **YOU** didn't lose the babies, your friends did. You can empathize with them, but you don't need to carry the burden with you.
I've lost 3 babies. The one at 22 weeks was heart breaking....got pregnant almost immediately again and lost that baby at 12 weeks...so back-to-back miscarriages...it brought me to my knees.
You need to stop trying to carry the burden for your other friends. Be happy for your friend who is pregnant and be optimistic for her. SHE NEEDS that. Your avoiding her? Won't help the situation at all. You have another friend who IS pregnant. BE HAPPY FOR HER. Yes, she lost a baby. I'm sorry for that - but that is in the past - this is the present. This is HER life. NOT YOURS or your other friends.
You need to COMMUNICATE with her your worries but at the same time - be happy for her. This is NOT about you. Stop making it about YOU.
Both of my sister's lost babies in the last year. It was heartbreaking because they both tried to get pregnant, whereas all 3 of mine were "surprise" babies, as was my sister's first daughter. It was truly so sad.
My older sister got pregnant 5 months after her miscarriage and is now 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. My other sister found out she was pregnant at the gender reveal party for this one, and then lost her baby a few weeks later - but the miscarriage drug on for so long. It literally took a month to go through completely.
My baby sister was still and is very happy for our older sister. She has no control over her miscarriage and she is excited for a new niece.
I think you have to do like other people are saying here and stop making it about you, it's not about you. I get you being sad for them, but it's their loss. I get that you feel it - but be there for all of them in the best way you can.
I frequently take Dennis Prager's advice. I don't have to be happy but I do have to act it. Really you don't want to be a person who brings others down. Eventually, acting happy will make you be happy although it takes time. Hugs to you, you obviously love your friends very much.
Signed a mom who has taken this advice after I buried my own son when he passed away at 17 days old.
You are in no way being selfish. You are concerned. The more we know about miscarriages infertility the more cautious we become..
Years ago a dear friend was 38 weeks pregnant, went to have her weekly check up and they realized there was no heartbeat! She had felt the baby move the day before. She was devastated, To make it worse, she was at the appt alone and was told she would need to go home and wait for her body to go into labor, because they were ot allowed to take the baby!
I have had friends try to hard to become pregnant and then lose the baby. The heartache and the loss is so hard for them, it just breaks my heart.
You will need to find your own strength. We can have empathy, but we cannot lose time or energy on the what if.. We must enjoy our limited time. You know what it is like to be pregnant or expecting a baby. You wan to tell every person. You want them to be excited and positive. So find the strength to be enthusiastic.. and be positive, heck, I can walk out the front door and break my neck, but until then, I am going to be as positive as possible.
IF you really have problems with this and it interferes with your relationships with pregnant women, you may want to speak with a professional. You could have some depression going on.
Ever since this, I am always worried about pregnancies. I know what can happen and it also makes me worry until that baby is completely born.
When I had my miscarriage, I had two friends that were due around the same time I would have been. They mourned with me and were supportive of my loss. And even though my heart was heavy with my own loss, I managed to muster the strength to support them and be happy for them throughout the rest of their pregnancies. I even hosted the baby shower for one of them.
I think if I could do this, you can, too.
Imo your being very selfish. Yes it's okay to feel the way you do, but you were not the one carrying the babies that passed. Your friend tried for two years to become pregnant after her last baby passed so please think about what she needs. She needs her friend to be excited and joyful and celebrate with her. I bet she is very nervous about this pregnancy and needs someone to help get her mind on the joy of having a baby. So please just put your own feelings aside and enjoy this with your friend. You grieved with the other two that lost their babies so celebrate with this one.
I'm going to piggyback on the answer that "B" gave. Energy Empathy is when you can't separate your emotions from those around you. It's something that I dealt with for decades until I learned some tools to deal with it. It's hard at first to be alone with your own stuff, and then it's such a relief to know how you can commiserate and support those you love without taking on their burden. I strongly recommend a counselor or perhaps an intuitive healer to assist with this process. I do this, but I think you would do better to find someone closer to you geographically. Yes, I work over the phone, but in person is best when first starting out. My mom always said, "Worry is like praying for the worst to happen." Feel these feelings, let them pass through you, then look for the bits of joy left over. Your friends have had tragedies, yet they still have their lives. Love heals all, and allowing you to love on yourself will give you the strength you need to keep supporting those around you. Here's another perspective for you: By staying locked in deep sadness for your friends, you inadvertently keep them trapped in the circumstances that brought the pain. By looking for the other things in life that bring joy and healing, you don't deny that the bad thing happened. You simply don't make it the centerpiece of your (or their) existence. Same holds true for the friend with the new pregnancy. Yeah, it's a big piece of the pie, but it's not the whole pie. I don't know if this helps or not, but perhaps it will be of hep for someone else. Blessings....
Dang, some of you are pretty harsh. Where’s your Christmas spirit? The poor woman is asking for help – not to be beat up some more.
Honey, you just need to focus on all the wonderful things in your life right now. I see from your other posts that you have to LOs and an annoying partner (lol). Be grateful for what you have and focus on that. Be grateful that your friend was able to get pregnant again and focus on that. Let the pain and sorrow for the other losses go. It’s hard but life does go on and hopefully one day they will have some good news to share with you as well. Have a wonderful holiday. Hope others will show you some patience and understanding when all you are trying to do is reach out for help. *Hugs
Be happy for the present. Even if she does not get to carry this pregnancy to term, how exciting to be living in the possibility! Right now, that's all it is.
I so get being emotionally spent. Can't you reply to your friend without emotion? Can you be more matter-of-fact with a smile? If you don't have it in you to jump for joy and grin from ear to ear every time you're in her presence, then you just don't. But certainly you can understand that from her perspective you have all this energy--sad energy, but energy, nonetheless--to devote to TWO other people and NONE for her. In her eyes, she is offering a different environment to live in, and you are choosing sadness over her happiness.
You are human. It's hard to turn emotions on and off--so I see how you're struggling to mourn the loss with two friends and celebrate with another. Avoid her if you need to (it's easy to say you're busy this time of year). If you have to see her, just answer her 'baby' question and try to change the subject. Sorry.
My best advice is to compartmentalize your feelings for each friend. If a different friend is newly pregnant...don't transfer your grief for others. Just be polite, give your honest opinion on baby names and leave thoughts about miscarriage out of it. This is such a big event for people, they don't want to entertain all the "what if's" - especially miscarriage.
