I have been married for 2 years. My husband has a son from a previous (short-lived)relationship. His son is almost 2 and together we have a 10 month old daughter. My husband makes certain that he financially supports his son and picks him up every weekend. Even though he picks his son up my husband sleeps most of the weekend away leaving me to care and entertain both children. We rarely do family activities. My husband and I do not spend time together and when I ask him if we can have a child-free weekend together he gets upset and tells me he only sees his son three days a week and I should not ask him not to pick him up. I respond with we could get a babysitter but his son cries insessantly whenever my husband is not around (even when my husband goes to the restroom) therefore we are unable to get a babysitter. When we discuss our son the conversation usually turns ugly. I try to understanding but sometimes it's hard not to be resentful because he puts most of the responsibility on me, does not provide for our household consistently (but faithfully supports his son), and he does not make time for our relationship. I must admit I have noticed some improvements but very little not enough to be comforting. My husband had a mean step mother and often times reminds me he does not want his son to grow up like him. I think he is trying hard not to be considered a dead beat father (which he isn't). My concern is I would like to spend my first mother's day with my daughter. I would like my husband's son to spend the day with his mother (last year he spent it with us..I was pregnant). On one hand I feel I have every right to make this request but then I don't want my husband to think I don't love his son. Basically I am not sure how to be a bonus mom. I am engaging, I support our son, I make no difference between the two children, and I would never harm him, but there are some concerns I have that aren't being addressed and feelings that have welled up and sometimes spills over into resentment.
Am I wrong to want to spend the day with my daughter?
Hello ladies,
Thank you so very much for your responses and suggestions. We haven't had a sit down and talk because I've been there and done that. However, this past weekend I was assertive. As my husband began to retreat to the bedroom for his usual all-day nap, I informed him that I was not going to do all the housework and watch the children all day as well. He did not argue with me but got out of bed and played with his children. He even did some household tasks. He put blankets out on the livingroom floor and said we were camping out in the livingroom (together). I was surprised and happy. Over the course of the weekend we discussed the household tasks and mother's day (in a non-threatening manner). I shared with my husband that I would like to go to the hair salon on Friday evening (so he will have the kids), on Saturday we can go to the beach (weather permitting) and then on Sunday (after church) Anaiya and I will spend the day together. So I will some me time, some family time, and time with my daughter. Thank you so much for the support. I will also look into the Family Dynamics class (I think that will go well instead of therapy.. he wasn't that open in premarital counseling) Mamasource ROCKS!
The both of you need an outside opinion and thats a counceller.
Get to one as soon as you can together!
Yikes! L., a wife teaches her husband how to treat her. It is high time your husband "gets used to responsibility". The more you allow him to be "non-active" on the weekends with the kids, the more you keep him from being a man, husband and father that he is meant to be. You are not helping him by abetting his behavior.
As to mother's day, You have two kids whether you see it that way or not, to exclude your son (step-son) is not much different than excluding your daughter. Neither of the kids at this age knows the difference and doesn't get "mother's day" anyway. If you want things changed, you my dear, are the one to have to change things. Whether you think it is fair or your job or not. I am being harsh, but this is just the beginning of this. You have 16 more years with this situation and the sooner it is resolved, the better. I reccommend counseling on this subject, even if only you are the one to participate.
You are right to resent your husband's behavior, but you are also to blame by allowing it from day one.
You say your husband is not used to responsibility, but is willing and trying. However, it does not sound like he is willing to do anything.
Why are you raising your husband's son without your husband?
You look after his son all weekend. Where is your husband? Why on earth would you let him pick up his son and then leave his son with you while he is gone all weekend.
As far as I'm concerned mother's day is your day and you should get to spend it any way you want.
Your husband sounds selfish. If he isn't going to look out for you, you need to look out for yourself.
You need to be more assertive, it will be good for your marriage.
My advice is to call Dr. Laura. Mon-Fri 12-3pm.PST at 1800DrLaura. You have created a very complicated, sad for the baby boy, and baby girl situation. Good Luck
Your son must suffer terribly longing for his father during the week if he cannot bear to even be out of his presence for a moment on the weekend. It must be painful for him to know that his sister gets to be with her father every day, and that may grow into resentment as he grows if it is not handled with compassion. Your husband obviously suffers emotional guilt for not being a full-time father to his son. I would support and encourage every opportunity to let them love each other and spend time together. You are not loving your children equally if you want to be with one for Mother's Day and not the other. There is something terribly wrong with your son's relationship with his own mother if she is not clamoring to spend Mother's Day with him herself. You need to be more than a "bonus" mom, you have been given the task of bestowing some basic, fundamental mother-love on this child who is lacking what your daughter has -- two loving, committed parents consistently in her life every day. Mother's Day is a celebration of motherhood. You have two precious reasons to celebrate -- do it with your whole heart so that both of your children can grow up knowing that they are safe, beloved and whole.
I don't want to sound mean, but it really sounds like the first problem is in your marriage, not in your mothering...if I get the math right, you were married by the time the step son was born...something seems a little off there and also that your husband doesn't sleep at home all the time.
I suggest maybe some counseling and looking at the marriage before the step mom part...sorry...really don't mean to sound harsh!!!
-M
Well L.,
I have many thoughts. First and foremost, why is your husband away on weekends? Work? That is quite justifiable, if that's that case. If not for work, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for him to leave you to care for 2 children alone (especially if one is not yours).
Here's the thing. I raised 3 of my husband's children and we had 3 together. The 3 I raised visited weekends, eventually as they grew older, one by one they moved in with us. No matter if I was nice or not, they love me. I had our daughter first and I was not going to discipline her and not his and vice versa. However, my husband gave me full authority to use my discretion on how to take care of them. I never harmed them, but I used a loving, firm hand. That said, I never looked at his kids as "his", they were ours, especially since they are OUR kids half-siblings. It has been 18 years since I started and those kids call me Mom, come to me for advice and I was with my step-daughter (with HER mom) when she gave birth. Incidentally, her mom and I don't get along personnally, but now as years have passed, we "tolerate" each other. I basically keep my mouth shut.
Well, that being said, my opinion is that you are letting your husband get off too easy and it sounds like you are the peace keeper and he is able to do what he wants. Honestly, I don't think this is fair and although you don't want conflict, you deserve to have a better balance in the relationship.
Back to Mother's Day...no I don't think it's too much to ask for you to want to do things with your daughter. Here's my thought...(again!)maybe you could take a few hours with your daughter alone, then a few hours with YOU alone, and then family time to end the day.
Best wishes!
K.
Ohmygosh, I know where you are coming from. I don't even know if I have an answer for you...I guess I just want you to know that there's someone out there who knows what it means to have this guilt/concern/resentment/compassion. I too have a stepdaughter, and I too have had to care for her since she was 1 year old. She is now 11 years old. It is hard. I have always treated her as if she were my own. In fact, she must have felt that love from me because on her own she decided to start calling me Mommy. However, there are occasions when I wish I could spend some bonding time with my own daughters. That feeling of resentment is a tough feeling to carry around. Trust me, I know, I've had it inside of me for YEARS over this and other issues. I sincerely hope that you are able to come up with a solution or compromise to your dilemma. In the meantime, I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone.
L.,
I think you have every right to say what you want for mothers day. It's not that you don't want him their at all, just mothers day. I don't see why the natural mother would have a problem spending the day with her son, after all he should be doing something special for his own mom that day. You can have him the rest of the weekend, and maybe to ease your hubby with this. Tell him that you would like to help his son to make some things to give to his mom. Card, pictures, a picture frame made with foam, chocolate dipped strawberries, something he could help you with. Then when you take him back to his moms house Saturday night or Sunday morning. Give her flowers from the 2 of you. After all she is willing to work with you about taking him and your hubby should be greatful that she is a good mom and good to the 2 of you. Maybe this will make your hubby okay with the idea. Or you could pick him up another night during the week and go to dinner and a movie or the park and give her a break then instead.
I understand your hubby to though. Be greatful that he doesn't want to be a dead beat Dad. My hubby is that way too. His original Dad allowed him to be adopded by the new man in his mothers life. (I see this side too, he thought since this dad wants him and is their all the time they should be a family). But that new dad gave mom 3 more kids and when my hubby turned 10 told him (I'm leaving, I decided that I'm not ready to be a dad yet, and I'm not happy being responsible for all this). Left and never came back and never paid a dime to help them out. My hubby became the father at 10. When he was old enough to get a job he did and had to give this money to his mother to help with the family. I love my hubby but life has been tough for us because he already raised a family so he didn't want any more. God did however give us 3 amazing children and he has decided that he loves being a dad to his own. Where he gets a say in what happens.
Talk to your hubby about making his sons day with his mother a special one. Teach this little man to take care of his mother well on this special day. It's really not fair that she never gets to have him on that day because it alwas falls on a weekend. Meet her for Breakfast where the son can be the one to be taking his mom to breakfast and give her flowers and a card then she can take him home from there. Remember that fathers day comes after moms day so if he doesn't make your day special for you, you don't need to make his day special either.
Just a note: I love being with my kids, But for moms day I want to go away from my kids. I hope that doesn't sound mean. But my kids are older and yes I get breakfast in bed and gifts they made in school and some that they buy. But my life has become a mom of: take me here, I got to be their, I need this, I need that, do you have any money, did you take care of this, did you do that for me, etc. I do this 365 days a year. Think about it, I don't get vacation's or holiday's off as I'm sure none of you do either. So it would be great to get breakfast in bed with a pile of rented movies and then they leave for the day. I'm sure this will never happen because my hubby thinks that you sould want to spend this day with your family also. Love to you and your family. May your mothers day be perfect in every way. To you and all whom ready this advise. J.
Hi, L.. A really important aspect of any relationship and being healthy is having good boundaries. I tell my kids it's like having a fence around your yard so other people's animals don't poop there. :-) You need to decide what you want, what you are willing to do and not do, and kindly tell your husband what your boundaries are. There are things you can do or suggest, especially if you have a civil relationship with the boy's mom, i.e., take him a day earlier so she gets him on Sunday, etc. You absolutely should spend time with your daughter. I think as bonus moms (I like that), we tend to undercompensate for our bio kids so the stepkids don't feel left out. You need to look at it as if they are all yours and treat them the same. Spend Mom's day with your daughter and the next week, take your son and have Dad spend the day with your daughter. Maybe giving your husband activities to do with each of them separately will make him feel more involved. Other than that, you need to address your issues calmly and lovingly with your husband before the issues become deal-breakers. I wish you the best.
L.,
You have ever right to want to spend that special day with your daughter. Usually in divorce situations, Mother days are spent with moms and Father days are spent with dads. I'm kind of surprised that your step son is not spending Mohter's Day with his mom.
Please express your feeling to your husband before they blow up. I know it is easier said than done. I've been in your situation and after 12 years of marriage, I recently divorced my husband. We never spend time together as a family and he was always busy with his friends. We also never had any couples time. It is very important that you have couples time. You need to address your concerns with him and try to make him understand the situation. Turn it around on him and have him put himself in your position and see what he thinks. GOOD LUCK!
Wow. You have a lot on your plate. There are a few things that stand out to me:
Your husband expresses concern about only seeing his son 3 days a week, but sleeping his time away when he's there is NOT seeing his son. If he wants his son around so that he can spend time with him, then he needs to be awake and spending time with him.
I don't see where you get time to rejuvenate, recharge, or reconnect with yourself or your husband. He gets to sleep in on the weekends, which he obviously feels is important, but where is your time to relax and recharge? Trust me on this one - in the long it does not do anyone any favors to not take care of yourself and your own needs. First of all, it will make you tired and resentful, and it will set up a scenario of your needs not being important, and that can be dangerous. We do teach other people how to treat us.
Mother's Day - How about offering a suggestion that his son get to spend the day with his biological mom?
I do have questions about what your long term goal is regarding his son - ultimately how much time do you want with him? A lot of people have to duke it out with their ex's over custody time. You wrote that you make no difference between the two children, but if you only want one of them around on Mother's Day, well, it seems that in all honesty, there is a difference. I'm not judging that, I'm just saying that it doesn't seem that you view them the same. I understand that you put in a great deal of work to care for him, which I think is great. I would say that it really comes down to creating a balance with your time. The weekend situation sounds very challenging to me. You get an extra workload while your husband sleeps. You're not getting your family time, or bonding time with your husband. I can absolutely understand your resentment.
The really important thing to do is to get to counseling. I think it would be helpful to have your feelings expressed among a neutral party, and to have assistance with setting boundaries and healthy family habits. Also, dealing with a man who is not strong in the responsibility department can be very difficult. They can get into making excuses, or blaming others (you), to cover up where they are not pulling their weight, or not wanting to look at their own behavior. Counseling can also help to support your husband in taking responsibility for himself. This current path with the irresponsibility/resentment pattern is a recipe for marriage disaster. Counseling is really important.
As others have mentioned, even if he doesn't go, do go for yourself so that you can get support in getting your needs met.
Oh - and it sounds like your husband could use some healing work around his own issues about his childhood and step mom experience. We all have our stuff to work out, and children can be great mirrors for us to remind us of what we need to work through. I'm not trying to psychoanlyze anyone. I just heard a wounded little boy in what you wrote. We all have some of that in us to a certain degree.
One other thought: What if you signed up your husband for some sort of activity on Saturday mornings to take the kids to? Gymboree class, whatever. That might get him up and out with the kids (translate: out of bed), and give you a couple of hours to yourself. Upon their return, since he's up, you could have some family time together. Just a thought.
All the best!
I think you are doing the right thing. As long as you love your step son like he is your own and don't make any diference between him and your daughter than you are doing your best. That is VERY IMPORTANT I like how you included him when you listed the children you have. My step mom was always nice and tried to be the "cool one". But since she never included me and said she had three boys and I was Stan's,(thats my dad), daughter I felt left out and unloved sometimes. But it sounds like you are a good bonus mom. About mothers day. I always spent mothers day with my mom. I don't understand why his mother does not want to spend mothers day with him. I feel like he should be spending mothers day with his mom. If your husband wants maybe he can still spend Saturday with you guys then you can drop him off Sunday morning so he can spend the day with his mom and you can spend the day with your daughter. try to put it in a way that you think he should spend time with his mom not that you don't want to be with him. That will probably make your husband more receptive.
I feel for you, I've had step-brothers, had a step-mom and been a step-mom and there is no easy side. I had almost the same situation, except I have a step-daughter and we have 2 boys together. It is a long and hard road. She was 3 when we met and is now almost 18 and I am 36. I have always felt she came first before me or our children and I don't think there is anything to change that. We only had her 2 months in the summer, 3 weeks at Christmas and Easter Break and we could ONLY do things when she was out, dinner, movies, Disneyland etc. I have had to even work from home every summer so I could take care of her. The best thing to do is have a great relationship with him. My boys (5 and 11) adore her, even though sometimes I feel she does not recipricate which hurts me and them. We are our own family as well and are just now getting to the point where we can go on trips as a biological unit when she goes to college. But you know what, I am a stronger better person and she and I have a great relationship, so much so that she came to live with us a couple of years ago! You sound like a much better person than me, so I know you will make it :) I think you should speak with your son's biological mom and say hey, were you planning to have your son for Mother's Day, because I don't want to take that away from you. And then say, we would love to have him for Father's Day if you think that is a fair trade. Wish you all the best! There is a special place for step-mom's in heaven :)
Added note: You know I was just thinking too that I love to spend time with all 3 of our kids one on one. My oldest son is at a school camp this week and while I miss him dearly I just have my little one to take around and it is fun. They all need there together time and their away from each other time.
From the short summary you disclosed, I get the feeling there is a lot more happening that you may or may not be aware of here. However, you said it best in your description of your husband "not used to responsibility, but willing and trying" This means you took him as he was "faults and all", but are now feeling burdened by his lack of effort and lack of responsibility. I know this is very delicate and I don't want to misrepresent any words here, but he was already lacking, when he was in his "short lived relationship", but will be forever be in some sort of relatinship there. Is it possible he may still have unresolved feelings there? I don't mean he still cares for her, but maybe he felt wronged and has resentment that has carried over into your relationship. Like I said before, there is much more going on. As for your longing to spend the day with your daughter, you will spend it with her why does it matter, who else will be around? what I mean is, why would your husband feel ill feelings? This is where I see more going on, maybe it's a lack of communication or trust. Sorry to go on but blended families can work, there is just more to your situation. Good luck
From one Step-Mom to another I think that you are doing a wonderful job and I understand the feeling about wanting to be with your daughter on Mother's Day. I am surprised that your son's mother does not want him on that day all to herself.
If you are on civil terms with her is causally asking if she would like to trade days something that you can talk to her about? Like for that Sunday switch another day in the week.
I am fortunate to be on excellent terms with my spouses ex-wife. So much so that I call her my wife-in-law. We usually take some of the day and spend it together with my step-children and their little sister and brother.
I realize my situation is not the norm but if you can try and use his former wife as an alley. They can be a real help. Wife-in-law and I decided long ago that we would always put the kids in front of any differences we may have and we have become good friends in the process.
I would also keep talking to your husband. Right now your son is young and pretty soon he will adapt to not having his father around all the time. As hard as it is and endless it will sometime seem just keep up the good work of caring for your son and one day you will see your son running through the door to give you big hugs instead of crying when his daddy leaves the room.
Hi L.,
I'm surprised there is any need to even discuss the issue with your husband. Usually the child goes with the respective parent on Mother or Father's Day and it's written into a custody agreement. Is this not the case with your husband's agreement? I'd also be surprised if your husband's son's mother didn't push for this herself. More to the point I think, is that you're in a less than ideal family situation and might benefit from family counseling.
Also, and you might not like this - you should encourage your husband to spend quality time ALONE with his son. That means you take the baby and do something else. That little boy sees his daddy only on the weekends and deserves to have some of that time be focused one-on-one time. I know it's not easy or appealing for you BUT you did marry your husband knowing about this boy and you chose to have a baby with him, so now you have to put your own "feelings" aside and put this child's needs above your own - he gets so little from his daddy as it is. I know it's hard but I think if you do, you will be able to look back and be proud of the stepmother that you chose to be.
I would really encourage you to seek out family counseling before things get worse. I do always caution people when choosing a therapist - there are countless out there and they are not all good. So do your homework and be sure to interview someone at length before you decide to "see" them and delve into following their advice.
Good luck and God bless.
K.
mommywood.com
I commend you on being such an aware step parent. I noticed that you consistently referred to your husband's son from his previous relationship as "our son." That is a fabulous mentality to have - for you, for him and for your husband. You say that you treat your two children equally and I believe you. It's curious then why you want to spend Mother's Day with only your daughter. If both children were your biological children would you still wish this? I'm guessing the answer is no. At 2 years old your stepson is too young to feel slighted, but that will change quickly in the next 1 -2 years.
I agree that you have every right to decide how to spend your first official Mother's Day. This is a very special occasion that only happens once in a woman's lifetime. Does your husband understand the significance of this day? If not, you need to spell it out for him or you will continue to build resentment.
It sounds like your husband has some very powerful emotions when it comes to family dynamics. The two of you need to sit down and address these concerns frankly. It may be uncomfortable, but if you're feeling resentment after only 2 years of marriage, let me tell my dear it doesn't get easier from here! Nip this in the bud and come to an understanding and your marriage and your relationships with your children will be spared.
By the way, every mother is different. Some moms view Mother's Day as a day to spend quality time with their kids. Other moms feel like it's the ONE DAY of the year that they should be able to relax and not have to do a single thing. Maybe your son's mother is the latter.
I don't know what your exact situation is, but I agree that it's unfair of your husband to pick up his son and then leave you to care for him all weekend. You work a long week, too. That's not being a good father. If it's so important to him to spend time with his son, then he should take him a couple of days during the week instead, assuming he is home those days. It does sound like your husband is trying, but unfortunately in parenting, trying doesn't count. You have to do - not try. Telling your child that you tried to make dinner doesn't fill his belly. You have to actually do it. Your husband needs to really think about what his priorities are and stop counting on the women in his life to take care of his parenting responsibilities for him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. Like I said, I don't know your exact situation. I'm just going from what I read in your question.
Best of luck to you and your precious children. You sound like a wonderful mom - your family is very lucky to have you.
Get some kind of counseling, look for free ones if you can't afford it...through Church or something...since you said your husband is trying. I've been there....step mom and all, and it's a difficult situation. I also read books on the subject, look in the library. You've taken on a huge challenge, mostly because of your husband's attitude, my husband was similar in some respects...and now the step-son is 20 and still a bit of a thorn, but not as bad. Figure it out now before it's gets worse.
Hi L.:
My first thought,after reading your request, was " wow that little boys mother sure (HAS IT MADE)Shes living a (LIFE OF RILEY)Gee,ever wonder what she does with her Saturdays and Sundays?L.,I have worked a full time job,for 29 years,and while I always looked forward to the upcoming break from my 40 hour week,Those weekends,were merely (CATCH UP DAYS)I'm sure working mothers will agree,that while we look forward to our short break from the work force,its simply (Our volunteer work)lol. We spend that brief time off,washing cloths,for the coming week, grocery shopping,and playing catch-up with all the cleaning we missed while we were at work.In between that,were playing with the kids,or taking them to soccer games,and we can't forget, of course... looking lovely,and throwing ourselves into a romantic mood for our husbands! lmao!L.,you sound like a very loving,compassionate mother,and it is no wonder,that you are experiencing these feelings of resentment.I don't know if you are aware of this, but, most fathers that have visitation with their children, have it (every other weekend)The reason being,that (EVERYONE NEEDS A BREAK)The boys mother gets one every single weekend. Where is yours? I understand, that the father doesn't want to become a (dead beat dad)But,it appears,having his son every weekend, is turning him into (just that),if he sleeps,while you entertain his son all day. If I were in your situation,I'd be guiding his son to his bedroom,and let him jump in bed with him!L.,seriously,you need to sit down and calmly, discuss with your husband,how your feeling.Tell him,that the two of you,never have a free weekend together, and that it is to much,working full time, and having to handle it (ALL)by (YOURSELF)Have the visitation changed to every other weekend. That way,your husband may also feel more willing to help out,and spend quality time with his son when hes there.Everyone needs and deserves a (break) once in a while,and you have your hands full hun.To answer your question about (Mothers day) Simple....Thats why they call it (Mothers day)You should be able to spend it any way you wish.Your husband, can make it a father and son day that day as well! Doesn't that work out great? The best to you L.
My ex and i have the agreement that i get our kids on mothers day and he gets them on fathers day. Why wouldn't his own mom want him for mothers day. THat sounds fair to me.
You have a right to spend certain days with just your daughter, but I have to say when you married your husband you married his son too. You have to take the good with the bad.
Being a step mom or bonus mom is hard. I have a step daughter myself. It gets really hard some days, but i always treat her like i would treat my own two daughters. As hard as that is some days i have to bite the bullet and just do it.
I think that a lot of what you feel is because of what sounds to me a selfish behavior of your husband. He need to be more active in the family as a whole.
There are great family counslers out there. Maybe you guys need to try it out. IT helped our family. A lot!!
Good luck to you
L.,
There is nothing wrong with taking care of your needs first. That is how you fill up your "gas tank" to have plenty to give to your family. When you "run on empty" you start to feel resentful. Mother's day is about appreciating mother's and how much you do for your family, you should spend it guilt-free, however you want. It is very appropriate to change arrangements to spend every other weekend with your step-son, doesn't his mom want to spend a weekend with him? The important thing is that you communicate your needs with your husband even if it means writing him a letter that will force him to read it all before responding. He needs to understand that his son is a shared responsibility and maybe he needs to plan some time with him to do things as well. That does not make you a bad step-mom, he should do that to form a bond with his son. It sounds like you are doing your best, you will feel so much better when you communicate your needs and create a balance that works for everyone in your family. Good Luck.
You aren't wrong to want your day with your daughter. My question is why your stepsons mom doesn't want him to be with her? With my stepson it is in the custody order that his mom gets him on Mother's Day. All of your concerns sound reasonable. My husband was the same way when we first married ans it took a HUGE fight and me taking our daughter for him to see how much he was hurting us. I hope it doesn't come to that with your family. It has taken time, but our family is much better adjusted to eachother and we've even added a few more kids. It takes A LOT of hard work and some tears, but if a happy family is what you want you'll work at it. Good luck.
L.,
It's hard not to look at the details of your letter, but if you can step back a bit, you would see some difficulties in your relationship with your husband concerning communication. Of course your requests are reasonable, and your resentment at being the one to "entertain" your stepson is also reasonable. You have lots of issues going on here that don’t sound like they are being addressed. My advise as a step mom-run, don’t walk, to family therapy. If you husband isn’t interested, go alone. You will need help sorting this out, before it has a negative effect on your marriage. Putting together a blended family is tough, and is sounds like you and your husband are going to need some coaching to do it well. Good luck.
I feel that if you love both your children you will be fine and your husband is far from ordinary, he may be too tired to share the additional responsibilities at home if he is financially supporting both his children, not sure of the details, but am sure that so many men do not.....As far as wanting to be with your daughter, absolutely nothing wrong with that, my question is this though, why didn't the boy's mom want to be with him on mother's day? He was with you, that says alot to me.....I think this has actually built up, and you need to sit down with your husband but before you do, perhaps you could think about all the good things about your husband first, you will find that when you do this, you will see so much more to admire about him, then sit down with him on that positive note and just talk to the man. Nitpicking never did much good for any relationship. You guys are young and need to work on your communication skills without knocking each other down.....GOOD LUCK!
How about getting counseling? I have a teenage son from my previous marriage and a 16 1/2 month old daughter with my second husband. This is my husband's first child (he's 57 years old!) and first marriage. We had a lot of fights the first year of my daughter's life, they have tapered off quite a bit, but we still get into fights, especially when my husband is just sitting there watching t.v. all day long! I saw a therapist last year for 6 months and always at the back of my mind and expressed to my husband when we had a huge fight last year, that if we cannot resolve matters we need to see a therapist together. It sounds like you are a great mom and stepmom but carrying a heavy emotional load.
Hi L.,
I think your problem is with your husband, not your step-son. Be careful not to project your feelings onto the little innocent boy. He is desperate for love and attention from his dad and not getting it. I think you need couples counseling. You're being a good step-mom, he's not being a good dad. As far as mother's day, I think the reason you want to spend it alone with your daughter is because your husband does not take his responsiblity with his son so you don't look forward to the visits and you want "your day" less stressful. I don't think it's about your step-son, really. Try not to make an issue out of it because your step-son will suffer the consequences. Look at the real issue instead. Just a thought: wouldn't his mother want him for Mother's Day?
V.
Dear L.,
First of all, you are very good person and patient as well as a loving person. I hope we all know...
My suggestion is ordinary, but I would suggest to talk to your husband more and express your feelings and what you need, otherwise, your relationship with your husband would not last for long. Your requests to your husband is very understanding and reasonable. I would recomend to talk for 10 minites more often instead of making a big and long conversation because the long conversation does not go anywhere and is very exhausting both of you if disagreeing.
I am working on my relationship with my husband also. I don't have the complex stuation like yours, but still a lot of works to work on our relationship.
He had a mean step-mom also, and I know that, sometimes, he overlaps the step-mom with his wife (Me).
Regards to your step-son, 2 years old is very difficult age. My son (5 year old now) throwed his temper almost everyday, when he was 2. Even if the boy crys and screems,and throws his temper, it is not you, just his age. In addtion, it sounds like his real mom is not really good mom...
Lastly, I know you love your step-son. but if you ever feel like you love your daughter a little more than him, it is nothing wrong to your feeling. I believe that it is very very natual feeling.
Wish you the BEST luck.
TS
Its funny that I also refer to myself as the bonus mom!! I have a 7yr old stepdaughter and a 27 month old daughter with my husband. We had the same trouble early on too. We made a date night that we try to do once a month on a thursday night. That way it doesnt disturb his time with his daughter. My husband spent many years trying to make up for the neglect that happens at her moms house and the guilt that goes along with that. Do they have a formal custody agreement? At least in my situation, its sooo important. My opinion, Mothers Day should be spent with your own Mother, not bonus Moms. You have every right to make that request. I think your stepson will feel the same way when he gets a little older. Being a bonus Mom is sooo hard and I feel your pain. I am also a first time Mom but had the good luck to have sort of a trial run with my step daughter first. We have her 50% of the time and I am the one doing homework, dinner and showers. Most of the responsibility falls on me too, I am a stay at home Mom so I get it all!! The hard part for me was to accept that I actually have 2 children and finding the balance of my role has been hard. I do however by a matter of biology have more of a connection and sense of responsibility to my flesh and blood. That in its self has its own tug of war in my head. I guess what you need to do is make your feelings real to your husband..write a letter, and make the plans for the date yourself. Sometimes we have to take the inititive to make it happen, hopefully he will see how much fun it is. Good luck.
You say you treat them the same as you should, but excluding one and not the other, it's not the same.When you marry someone with children you must absolutely look at the situation as if you have a son as you have a daughter. Mother's Day is Mother's Day (you are a mother to both children).It just so happens that your son has two mothers.You don't want to exclude your daughter, but wish to spend Mother's Day only with your biological daughter.It seems to me that his biological mother doesn't wish to spend her Mother's Day with her son (he may not be getting something at home with her...I don't know of course...but it's a thought).You also have to consider if something were to happen where your son's biological mother cannot care for him or is no longer available to watch him grow up, you then will be the one and only mother for that child.I say live your life as though you have two children forever.Raise him as your biological son. You may also want to consider taking your son shopping for a Mother's Day card for his biological mother to build a bridge and a solid foundation for your mother/son relationship for the long haul. He's only 2...give him lots of love, hugs, and kisses. Tell him you miss him when he is gone. Make him feel like he is the greatest 2 year old in the world as is your daughter is the greatest 10 month old in the world.
How about getting together with the mommie of your husband's son, and working out a schedule that works for all?
I know it must be hard to deal with this, I think this is one for Dr. Laura (Radio Psychologist).
I think that she would tell you that you married a man with a son and they are a package deal. I can understand that your husband doesn't spend as much time with him as you like, and that you get stuck taking care of him most of the time, but that is a lot of times just the way men are. I know I married one like that!! I have tried changing my hubby, and honestly you can't. Perhaps you could change the view that you have of the son. I know it sounds silly, but really, you are his other mother. You married his dad, and assuming you are going to stay married to your husband, his son is your family too. This little boy is your daughters, brother. I think this mothers day if he is with you, you should try to make the best of it. You have two kids now!!!! Your husband doesn't have two, you both do!!
You can only change someone else by changing your own behavior so start small and change your RESPONSE to one thing. You married this guy, and he seems more concerned with every one elses opinion than yours. Try getting the book "Love and Respect" and reading the respect part. Announce that you are going out with your daughter so they can have some time alone, maybe with a pizza (that would get my husband's attention) and then do it. Perhaps you are just allowing all this to happen around you when you could have more input. It is not the child's fault, it your husbands actions that are the problem. What is with the sleeping the weekend away thing? Even if there were not two kids to care for don't you deserve some time and attention too? You work full time!!! That makes it 2 jobs for you.
Women need love, men need respect and if they say they are thinking of NOTHING, it is true.
Start scheduleing some time on the weekend for yourself and your child away from your husband and his son. Plan fun outings for the two of you with your girl friends and let dad finially spend that "quallity" time with his son. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. Not have any worries or guilt about his son while not doing any of the heavy lifting that taking care of a two year old requires. As for mother's day, spend it with your daugther and your mon if you can. Say it's a three generation day. Your husband will either learn better how to take care of children(a bennifit for your daughter too) or he'll learn that he really doesn't want to do a lot of child care and will be more open to having a few weekends free. The reason he can't seem to see your point of veiw at present is that he doesn't have to. Make a change.
I see a huge warning flag that your husband "sleeps away most of the weekend". He needs to grow up and "own up" to being a father, and supportive husband to you! He needs to be a better role model to his children and support you completely!
I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like he needs a bump in the right direction. Please look into family counseling. There are many options out there, and if you can't afford it, there are agencies that only accept a sliding scale.
Best wishes to you and your whole family. I have my faults, and I wish the best for you and your family.
Sincerely, B.
Hi L.,
sounds like your hubby is not listening to you , the fact you have only been married 2 yrs and he has already tuned you out.
Has he asked you what you wanted to do on Mothers day ?? if not wait a couple of days, then say oh by the way, I was just planning on you and I and our daughter for mothers day, you should make arrangments for the son to be with him mom. If he is not willing to do this, when mothers day comes, take you and your daughter out to do something together, leave the boys at home. Just because he does not want to plan outings alone with you , then leave him at home to babysit, you go out have some fun, he is being a fuddy daddy & hubby. Go see a movie, although if you dont put your foot down now, let him know you mean business, you might as well seek a good divorce lawyer, put them in your address book for later. He is being selfish, oo next time he has his son over, I would go to the grocery store, I would plan on doing all your errands those days, let him watch his son & daughter, he is doing this to you , because you let him, loving the boy is great, you won''t love him for long, because you will feel resentment to him & your hubby. He isn't being fair to you at all. If he complains ignore it like he ignores you. By the way
( trying to be responsible, is like either you are or your not does not count for inbetweens or when you feel like it. )
Good luck
Hi Lanita,
You are in a difficult position to say the least. Why does your husband sleep the weekend away? He has the responsibiltiy of his son and your daughter. Just because his son is in his home does not mean he is doing his fatherly duties. He needs to do activities and spend QUALITY time with him also. That may be why his son acts up. Quality time will make all the difference. And you could use the help. I know, I have an active 10 month old also. The Mothers Day situation is a bit tricky. Now I know for me I would rather have my girls with me, so why does his sons mother not want him that day? But being she is OK with him going to your home, I feel you can't leave him out. Of course you just want to be with your daughter but it is not fair to his son that no one will want him on mothers day. Maybe you can compromise IF your husband is willing to let you go out with your daughter and he does something with his son. But if it is made into a whole family outing his son is part of that. Your husband needs to understand that you need quality time with him and a break. It is unfair of him to put all the responsibilty on you. I don't know if I misunderstood, but he provides for his son but not so well for your household? That is wrong!! He married you he helped make your little girl it is time to grow up. He cannot be making these babies and expect you to take of everything for him. You are his wife and the mother of his child, NOT his mother. He needs to put into consideration of your feelings and stress level. You work and take care of the children and him I am sure. If anyone should get extra sleep it should be you!! In what manner to you approach him for that time alone with him?? Does he get defensive automaticaly? You do not sound like that evil step mother either. You have some issues that he needs to face because in time you will have a melt down. Hun, your husband needs to be serious and step up to the plate. I don't think I was much help as I read this over because there are apparent issues that are pretty serious. And if he does not take responsibilty(not just enough to get him by), down the line your relationship will be in trouble. He made his choices in life and he needs to be aware that mothers need husband grown up time. You sound wonderful and he is taking that for granted and that is the worse thing he can do....
Hi L.,
I have a 7 yr old step son, a 2 year old daughter and a 10 month old son.
You can be a perfect step Mother but that will not help this. The guilt your husband feels over his son is something that will drive him to do many things you don't understand.
However, you have every right to set boundries now. First, why is he gone on the weekend? He needs to be with his son as his son is there to see him. He may be forcing every visit because he is afraid the ex will take away his son or start causing issues so find out the root of why is refuses to make a change.... say for Mother's day?
Next... after several years of dealing with my own situtaion I have learned this. I can not change my husband but I can change how I act. I am no longer the door mat that bends over backwards and I plan activities as I want to do them. Your 10 month old daughter is old enough for a baby sitter so is your 2 year old step son. He will cry... he is 2. So maybe you have your husband leave at say 4:30 and meet you at a resturant the first time you try going out. Then you can wait for the babysitter and meet him there.
Make things happen by changing how you act. If you step son is there every weekend then yes, he will be treated just like yours and you are willing to leave her for a night out. Stress this to your husband when talking about getting out.
Also you are a young marriage, if you two are not strong then the family unit will not make it. You need time together.
The last thing.......Prayer. I ask God to help me, to touch my husbands heart and ease his pain because as you daughter grows you will see he will be much different with her and spoil your step son. It is his own guilt that will drive him but it is not okay.
Best of luck,
H.
Hi L.,
Thanks for sharing about your situation publicly and open your heart to hear advice from others. I have been married 5 years and have 2 wonderful daughters of 3.5 yrs and 6 mos. At a SAHM with 2 kids, I am very fortunate to have my husband helping out at home for the last several months. Recently, my husband and I took a course called "Dynamics marriage" that spearheaded by an non-profit organization called "Family Dynamics" (familydynamics.net) that has transformed our marriage. I have learned a great deal about what are my emotional needs and what are his emotional needs. This knowledge helps my husband and I can communicate to each other with sympathy and validating the other person needs, then inturn, we meet those needs. As a result, we have been experiencing incredible stage of feeling in love again.
It sounds like your emotional needs are need for dosmetic support, financial support, family commitment, affection. And it also sounds like his needs are family commitment, dosmetic support as well.
If your marriage continue to go on withoug a constructive way to communicate and solve the problem together, your spouse will have a negative balance of love unit on your love bank account (this is a love bank concept).
In my perspective, for the Mother's Day, if you can negotiate with your husband to spend sometime with your daughter together in the morning and spend time with together with his son as a family time in the evening. It seems that including his son in the family is very important need for him.
I really recommmend that you and your husband take a course with Family Dynamics, lots of problems will be solved during the time you take the course, and you will change in ways that you always wanted to see changes happen. Take care.
Hello L., I'm sorry about your dilema. I believe you are not wrong for wanting to spend a little alone time w/ your husband, (we need that to keep the closeness that brought us together in the first place) but you are wrong for wanting a sitter. Each child's need are different. Your son just isn't ready for a sitter. Don't push the issue for a sitter, work around it. Why not try setting up an "at home" date after the kids go to bed that way you don't need a sitter. Serve a nice caffinated drink to boost your husbands energy and do something fun...sit in front of the fireplace or outdoor fire pit and have a late night romantic dinner. Play a card game, tell some jokes, laugh a little...just like in the "pre-kid" days when you had less responsibility & more energy. As for Mother's day...you know as much as I do that your son's mother should naturally want to spend Mother's day with her son & it's her loss if she doesn't. Let that be your gain. Relate to your husband's childhood & do not allow your son to ever feel unwanted in any form. I know you mean well, but I must point out that you are differentiating between your husband's son & your daughter just by stating that you want to spend mother's day with just her. Please rethink that idea. Could you imagine how your son would feel if he heard you say that? Try to look at each situation through his eyes. Having separated parents & a second mom, he's less stable & less secure than your daughter. His needs are so different from hers. Try to give each child what they need individually, especially at this developmental age. Think of your time like this...you spend 4 days of the week with just your daughter...make those days your special mommy-daughter days & make the other 3 days your family days (w/ or w/o daddy's involement). Daddy sounds like he's too tired for either child. Don't make an issue of his energy level for his son/your daughter. It seems to me that if they were both your naural children he'd still be too tired & you would still be bothered. You have a will to make it work so you are half way there. I wish you the wisdom & strength you need. Good luck.
You have two separate issue going on (or maybe even more really). The first issue of your mother's day...I have been married for 10 yrs to a wonderful father of four. He had one, I had two & then we had one together. With that being said, his daughter was 4 when I met her & she was nothing like mine. We have her every other weekend, and my husbands schedule changes quarterly - and he sometimes works very odd hours, so I too spent more time with her than he (& still do a lot of the time). When we got married, I talked with her several different times about how I was not a substitute, nor did she ever need to call me anything but by my name. We made every effort to accommodate mother's day for her mom...but one year her mom didn't want her that weekend (we thought it was weird but our relationship with his ex is not good at all). She made me a present & when I asked her if she had something for her mom, she said yes, that she got to make two since she had the both of us. I was honored. I still have it (its been @ 7 yrs since). I think of it like this, we have such a short time on earth, & what are we doing if we aren't loving each other??? I look at time w/her as a blessing - the same as with my children. I think you might want to put a little different perspective on your life. You married your husband knowing he had a child already - ready made family. It is part of the deal. Nothing will change your relationship with your child - and if you love your s-son, don't let it bother you that he is with you, on any given day. Now about your relationship w/your hubby....tricky stuff, did you guys have a courtship??? Did you go out and do a lot together while dating?? After you married & before your daughter??? If the answers are no or not really, then you cannot look to change him. You must change you and how you look at things. We women think that we can change men after marrying them...nope. Almost never. They may change because they want to...but not because we want them to. In any case, change is slow. Don't look for an overnight solution. Try to do things as a family - we always have since we dated with children around...dates were already family affairs. He should want to spend time with his family - & gradually work in time for just you and him. Try to make it when you don't have your s-son so he doesn't have that to fall back on. Or, make your alone time after they have gone to bed. Make a special late supper for him & just sit & talk. Long story short, together time is necessary but it isn't always going out alone together. It is just as much (if not more often) being with each other playing cards, dominoes, a puzzle, a special DVD or something you guys both like - sometimes it needs to be what you know he likes & you do it for him, like watch a baseball game etc.. You don't sound like an evil s-mom, & the wrong thing to do is to make him feel like he has to choose between his son or you. Look at that from his perspective, would you take that well? I know I would not at all. I am like a wolf momma. Good luck & God Bless! You will work things out just fine. Patience.
L.,
congratulations for trying! Definitely, I echo the advice where it is about the couple, couple issues will seep into our parenting. Your son is already feeling the vibes if he is demonstrating separation anxiety with your husband, considering you spend the most time with him. Think about it, he can sense your distinctions in mothering him and your daughter. It seems we all have the right to spend mother's day as we wish, but choosing one child over the other instantly creates a disturbing family dynamic. Your son is to young to understand the whole stepmo/bio mo thing, all he can understand is whether his needs are being met by loving caregivers. It will help if you try thinking of your son as an integral part of your family and then work with your husband on co-parenting both your children. Definitely, therapy will work wonders even if it only starts with you. Change will only happen if we initiate it and it starts from the inside out. Good luck! And think about it, your son may one day thank you for being such an awesome mom to him, and too bad for his bio mom that she does not seem to appreciate the gift (although full of challenges) of motherhood as fully as she could
You sound like a wonderful "bonus mom" to me. I really think you and your husband would benefit from some counseling. Parenting is more that providing financially for children and your husband's lack of involvement in raising his son is alarming. Also, he does not seem to care much for you if he is not doing his part. Actions speak louder than words. You say he is willing and trying to be responsible. Let him prove that by going into counseling and dealing with his "evil step-mother issues". This problem is not going to go away and dealing with it now will ensure a happy life for his darling son and for your new daughter. I wish you all the best.
You are the MOM and he is your husband and the father of your little girl. I say that you deserve to BE CELEBRATED for carrying, birthing, and caring for that little girl. May 11th is a good time for your husband to recognize and applaud you.
The mother of the little boy deserves, for the same reasons, to celebrate with her own son on Mother's day. She will include the people in her own life at this time.
Very often the men in our lives really do not see the energy and love that a mom gives unconditionally. It seems that because your husband is tired and sleeps alot, he misses out on the blessings of life. Both children will be grown before you can blink your eye. And he is very lucky to have a hard working woman, like you.
Mothers who also work outside the home and manage to be good parents (step or otherwise) are GOLDEN ANGELS. YOu have my support.
PS: On Father's Day he can make the choices.
