Trying Times with Husband's Depression

The best way to deal with it is to make a pact for all of you to exercise together everyday! This will send much needed endorphins to his (and everyones) brains. Cortisol can only be reduced through heavy work.

Well, if divorce isn't an option, I feel for ya...Good luck!

First of all diabetes type II is now known to be inherited. While you can postpone the onset by eating well and exercising you will be able to put it off for at most a dozen years.
Your husband suffers from depression and nothing you do can change that. You can get full spectrum light bulbs which helps with the seasonal descent into depression from light deprivation. You can also give him 5,000 units of vitamin D as long as he'll take it.
His depression is his. He's got to get treatment and if he doesn't you are not the failure in the marriage. He's mean to you because he can get away with it. Talk back to him and let him know he's bullying you and being abusive.
And even if you are a Christian, you may have to save yourself and your children by getting a divorce. They see what's going on. Do you want them to marry men who are on self destructive courses and willing to take the whole family down with them.

Divorce isn't an option but this doesn't mean you have to live like this either. He needs a wake up call and needs to treat his depression. He sounds like a good candidate for medication. The untreated depression will prevent him from being able to tackle his physical health problem - he just doesn't have the energy to do what he needs to do, because he's depressed. Even if he's not a fan of medication forever, even 9-12 months would make a huge difference. For some people, not being on medication is like sinking into cement. He knows what he needs to do but literally can't. Medication would be like trading in the cement for solid ground and a good pair of running shoes - much more conducive to actively participating in life.

If I were you, I would seriously tell him that he either needs to treat the depression or live somewhere else for a while. Hopefully that will make him see what's at stake. My husband has depression and like yours, was diagnosed many years before he sought treatment. He started medication and counseling early in our marriage, had several starts and stops, and finally for the past year has been on the right medication and it makes such a huge difference. Like your husband, mine is overweight and eats junk but at least he takes some steps towards getting healthier and more often than not is somewhat pleasant to be around. He also sees a cognitive-behavioral therapist, a psychopharmacologist, a marriage counselor (with me) and a family therapist (with me and our kids). If he weren't open to accepting help, that would be what would prompt me to seriously consider ending our marriage.

One of the many counselors with whom we have met had a stark prediction that you need to heed. He said that when couples stay together out of obligation or "for the kids" and the husband has depression that is not treated, the you can guarantee that after 10-20 years together, the wife will herself have developed depression and the husband will have a lifestyle disease such as heart disease or diabetes. In that sense, depression is both progressive and contagious. You're awfully close to that point.

Again, insist that he treat the depression or give him an ultimatum so he knows what's at stake. He may be outraged but once he's being treated he will be a different person and will treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve. Also, seek counseling for yourself so that you don't go crazy and have a safe place to vent or join a support group. And finally, read the book "Depression Fallout" - it's written for those who love someone who is depressed.

Best of luck to you - it's a tough road and looks hopeless but with therapy and medication, there are lots of options that can treat depression. No less than his health and your mental health are at stake here. Don't let depression win and rob you, your husband and your children of the life that you could be living together. Remember that depression is the enemy, not your husband (and remind him of that too) - once that's being somewhat controlled, the other health issues will look a lot more manageable.

I am very sorry you are living in this hell. I am not going to advise YOU to change, you already sound pretty broken as it is. Read the book "Verbally abusive man" by Patricia Evans it will help you to understand that your husband is the one who needs to change not you and will help you to understand why he is the way he is and that it is not you causing things to go wrong in his life.

If your husband will not change I can seriously tell you that you have possibly 20+ crappy years ahead of you, he will get sicker and will get crabbier, and he will blame it all on you. If you do not want a divorce maybe you can allow him to continue to dig his grave with his teeth and enjoy what is left of his sorry life. Stop pestering him with medications, regimens, blood sugar checks, all of that. He doesn't want to do it - be it! My guess - he will drop dead much sooner and you will have some year to enjoy without him. Otherwise you will be prolonging his life and your misery.
Sorry, was not able to give loving advice. I am not a very loving person, except to my kids and parents, but very practical one when it comes to life. Check out the book. Good luck.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. Understand, first, that it is not unusual for a person to blame his/her spouse when he/she isn't happy. It's easier to see the problem as only the other person's fault than see it as something that is one's own. Blaming, in this case, takes the place of his taking responsibility for both his depression and his pre-diabetes.

That said, even if he will not seek counseling, I think it would do you good. At the very least, it would help you find ways to cope, find ways to respond to him or address these issues with him without returning heated language for heated language (it's called "gaming," when one partner automatically responds to another with rising emotion, and when both do it, it can escalate emotionally very quickly). Counseling is often covered mostly by insurance, and it's not expensive. It would be even more helpful if you could both go, but you cannot control what he does. Even on your own, you will find that being able to speak honestly about these issues and work through them in constructive ways will help you diffuse the arguments before they explode... and that may help him let go of the anger himself eventually. You need a calm place to be, though... and the only way to get this is to be able to approach him without hurt and anger, calmly telling him what YOU need. You may not have pre-diabetes and depression, but your needs are valid, too. You require his support at least as much as he requires yours, and counseling should help you express this to him.

Good luck. I wish you peace and happiness, and hope you find it soon!

Call your church and see if you can get in for some counseling for yourself. He doesn't have to join you, but you need some support and some help forming a plan for the future.

Read up on diabetes and proper diet to keep your blood sugars the most level and less stress on your body. I know a lot about diabetes as my mother was a type one and I had gestational diabetes. Cut out junk foods, with refined sugars...but also anything white (white bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, breakfast cereals...and of all things Chinese food can really spike your blood sugar). If you use sugar in your coffees and tea, get a bunch of different sweeteners and try them out...we use stevia (in the raw), splenda and sweet-n-low depending on what tastes best in each instance. There is also agave nectar and honey (while these are better than refined sugar...act like sugar in the blood stream). Get rid of all sodas even diet ones...crystal light make about 20 different flavors of drinks that are sugar free and very good, stock up on them...use the orange one in the morning instead of orange juice...fruit juices are pure sugar so cut those down or out too. And I will mention alcohol, the body treats it just like sugar too, so if he drinks even one or two a day, try and get that out of the house too.

Just start eating better for all of your health...if you and your children learn to like eating healthy now, it can keep your children from becoming diabetic later in life as well, because if dad is type two they have a higher chance of developing it.

If you husband gets cranky about the changes tell him it for his children that you are making the changes...that you want them to have a fighting chance to ward off this horrible disease. If he insists on going out and buying his own junk he is an adult...but you can protect your kids.

It is horrible...my mom diagnosed at age 6...ended up losing her leg after breaking it in a fall when she was 57 and then ended up passing away due to complications from all the surgeries. (She watched her diet and did all she could). I have a cousin by marriage who is type II and he has never ever done anything to control it...he is in and out of the hospital having toes removed about every two to three months...it is only a matter of time until it is a foot or a leg...he is in his 60s and has very little family and is now home bound.

The depression is another critter all together...will he even admit he is depressed? Does he not want medical intervention because of not wanting to take a medication? If he doesn't want to take an antidepressant (which in the right situation can be a real lifesaver) there are ways to help with it before you see if a medication is necessary. Regular exercise, a nice walk after dinner or some such...extra B vitamins, vitamin D w/calcium and magnesium.

Once again you and your children can start doing these things for yourselves, if he wants to join in, great...if not you can't force him. But exercise and vitamins are good for everyone. I could go on and on...if you want to chat you can send me a pm.

I am sending you a hug!! at our house I am the one who deals with depression and I know I have to keep it in check or everyone suffers.

I always think a helpful thing to do in these situations is to put yourself in a mental time machine and imagine one of your DAUGHTERS experiencing the same situation with her husband. What advice would you give her? Take your own advice!

You don't have to get divorced to leave. Just leave. I agree with the others. He does nothing to help himself, expects you to do everything plus some. The kids see that and are learning through example how marriages are. Don't get divorced, just tell him that he isn't in a healthy state of mind, that it is affecting you and the kids in a very negative way and that either he leaves or you and the kids leave until he can get his stuff together. I do have to say that I'm pretty sure that if you tell him you are leaving with the kids, he'll probably laugh and say 'you wouldn't dare'. The moment those words come out, you pack your stuff. That is when you will know he has no respect for you at all. And God would never expect anyone to stay and endure that kind of mistreatment. The way it sounds to me is that you have low self esteem and he is taking advantage of that. If it was your son or daughter who had come to you and given you this story that is now your life, what would you tell them to do?
Best of luck to you. It doesn't have to be divorce, but it does need to be drastic.
Jen
Mom of 3 boys ages 7, 5, and 3

Dear Winwith2daugh I am so sorry for what you are going through.
1. There is a book about male depression I have not read, but my friend recommended: "I Just cannot talk about it' by Terrence Real

2. My father had depression. It is a disease like any other and needs to be treated. There is no shame. and you are so not responsible if your husband chooses not to deal with it. Likewise, diabetes is a disease and needs to be treated.

3. if you husband will not seek treatment on his own, would he go into couple's counselling? a good counsellor can support your efforts or help him see that he is destroying himself. A good counsellor may also tell him that if he does not help himself, you as a mother, a wife and a person may have to save yourself and your family and leave him...if he does not help himself.

4. if he does not go to any counselling, you really need to think about your and your daughters' mental and emotional well being.

5. My father was depressed. my mother i believe is probably bipolar or manic, although she never got treated....I had to save myself emotionally etc. as an adult by separating from my mom for many years. (my dad passed away when i was 9)...I know such separations are hard. but if your husband does not help himself, you have to take care of your children and yourself. And sometimes such a separation might be the 'kick in the butt' your partner needs to get his act together.

i send love and blessings your way.
Jilly

I think it's time to get yourself into a support group... for now, your best bet is to help you.. Additionally, it's been my experience that some people use their illness to control others as can be seen in some of your husband's behavior. No, I don't blame a person for their illness perse, but I do say it's up to them to get some help. Granted, your husband is depressed ,which can make thinking straight kinda tough at times, however, if he is as you say pre-diabetic, I gather his eating habits are ill at best and therefore are only adding to bad temper..
again, you can only help yourself.. first off, rid the house of junkfood... get you and the kids on a pattern of better eating and hopefully, hubby will follow suit.. i guess what I am suggesting is for example, if you want to help an alcoholic , you rid the house of booze , right? in this case, begin with cleaning out the home of junkfood.. this sounds minor, but the problem is two-fold here.. diabetes (nutrition) and depression. so start with the simplest of the two... getting eating on track.. you can't make him eat better... but if as you say, you are despondent.. then a good diet could help you and I assume, the kids.. thing is, you start small, start with where you are... but do start..

my mother who suffered from depression, blamed everyone for her problems and also her drinking... yet, it wasn't our fault... additionally, if we didn't respond or act as SHE considered was appropriate, again, we got blasted for it.. this is what I mean by controlling... people with illness sometimes (in my opinion) feel so out of control with themselves that in turn, they try and control everyone else... this kind of behavior allows and keeps them sick.. but you don't need to go for the bait. again, a support group for yourself... and possibly for the kids..

my best to you

Have u tried the book, the Power of a praying wife, or even the proper care and feeding of husbands? Sorry ur going through this. One thing I have learned through 12 years of being married it that it takes two to fight, argue, bicker, etc etc. So as hard as it may be just nite bite ur tongue and then bite some more. Go vent to ur girlfriends..... Withmy husband it was easier if I said nothing when he was wrong, then he had no reason to get defensive. U know what things make him happy start doing them. It may take weeks months, but ur kids are suffering. Try try to suck it up in front of them, I know it's hard. Lots of prayers ur way!

I'm not sure why this is all your fault. I know he thinks so, but he is suffering from 2 major conditions which affect his thinking and his attitude. He may know that he has done a lot to cause his dietary problems, and he doesn't want to admit it. So he has to blame someone. You're nearest and the easiest target.

I think you should get back into counseling, with or without him, to get some perspective.

In the short run, don't buy any junk food. Everyone can get on the healthy diet bandwagon. Your kids have the same family history as their father, and diabetes is increasing in our society because of all the additives in our foods. Get everyone on board to select and prepare healthy meals. Make Sunday a family cooking day, and prepare meals for the week.

Let the kids know that Dad has 2 sicknesses which make him talk mean, and that's not the way he really is. Work with your counselor to find ways to help the kids, and get them into therapy if it would help. Perhaps you can enlist your pastor for free, Christian advice and support as well.