Tough Decisions...

Well, I commend you for wanting that commitment. But you can't control someone else. I suppose you could give him an ultimatum, but if you do, be prepared for the answer either way. No O. really wants to force someone into marrying them. But then again--no O. forced him to make a baby, and now he has responsibility.
I say, if he doesn't want to be married, then you should live apart and arrange a visitation schedule. Morally, it's the next best thing, sweetie.
Good luck to you all.

I understand wanting to get married. However, the more you push the more he'll back off. Years ago I read a book by Harriet Lerner entitled The Dance of Intimacy. I suggest that you take a look at it. It may help you adopt an attitude and actions that will help him to relax and be more open to discussing your relationship and marriage.

I also suggest that you get into counseling. Together would be good but if he's not willing, I suggest that you get started. He may be able to go with you later, especially if he sees that you are making changes that are helpful for your relationship.

Hi,

There are a TON of things at play here.....You don't say how long you have been dating, just that you were friends for three years and have a five month old. Do you live together? How long have you each been divorced? Does he have kids from his first marriage? Have you talked about what went wrong in each of your marriages and what part YOU played, retrospectively, in the demise of the relationship?

These things are important to know about each other. so you know if you have dealt with the issues within yourself AND to know if you have dealt with the issues from the other person. WHY doesn't he want to get married? Because he doesn't want to have things end terribly and destroy lives? Or because he thinks he may want to be with other women in the future and can't imagine spending the rest of his life with just you?
These are very different issues and the mean different things.

When you have these discussions about what YOU want, how much of it is focused on what HE wants? when he "shuts down or freaks out" what do you do? do you tell him you understand that he has concerns and you would love to hear him out so you can reassure him?

You say if you didn't have a child you would be willing to wait longer to get married, but you don't want her to grow up and you not be married. But she ALREADY has 2 parents who are not married. That is a choice that has already been a made.
As far as the future.... being married is something that you DO NOT DO FOR KIDS. You do it because you and another human being want to build a life together. You want to take care of each other. You want to sacrifice to make the other happy. You want to share joys and sorrows and happiness and sadness. You want to love when you feel you can't and when you know you can. If you only get married so you daughter has 2 parents that are married you are not entering into marriage for the right reasons.

Most importantly, if one person can't (for whatever reason) enter into marriage for the right reasons it is a disservice to all involved to try and get them to do it.

I would back off. Build a relationship with him and raise your daughter together. Learn about him. Find out what his issues are. Does he want to deal with them? You can't make him. He has to want to.

You can have dealt with issues from your past, but know that you don't want to have issues again. He has to feel like he can be a good husband and that you will be a good wife before he will commit to getting married.

Perhaps some counseling for you will help you come to terms with having an expectation that may not be met and what you will do if you are not willing to change to be with the father of your child in any way other than the way you want.

Good Luck.

I say if he does not wnt to talk marriage and get married now, move out. There is no future and he cannot care enough if he will not get married for his daughters sake if not yours too.

I understand about being married but it's not a horrible thing not to be.. it won't hurt your daughter in the future or anything as long as she sees the love in your relationship. If you push him into it he may grow resentment even if he eventually wants to get married. You should try couples counseling and find out what is scaring him about marriage. Try to approach the counseling gently, let him know it IS to make the relationship better not push him into marriage (you don't want him to shut down to counseling) and he'll take baby steps towards being open to marriage again.

By the way, right on... I was in the Corps too.

First, thank you for your service.

Secondly, I think I heard this on Dr. Phil. You're in a relationship and you basically rate things on a scale of one to ten on being unimportant - not an issue to basically non-negotiable. E.g., guy leaves toilet seat up = 1, not important to I want to get married = 10, not negotiable. You have to be true to yourself and if it is non-negotiable, than you really need to be willing to walk or lower it on the scale.

I can tell you that about a year after I met my boyfriend, we had discussed marriage and he said he was into it. Long story short, he kind of, well, changed his mind after we had agreed that we would get married. I told him forget it, that I was walking if he was changing his mind. It was that important to me. He changed his mind on the spot although we did have a long 2 year engagement but that is because I wanted to wait.

He can't keep blaming his past marriage. That's like saying I refuse to eat out ever again because I got food poisoning once. Maybe that is a bad analogy...you get my drift.

Stand firm to your own principles and raise your daughter the way you think is best although it may be without him. Follow your instincts. Follow your own truths. Follow your own heart and you will be just fine.

Good luck.

It's nice to have the marriage relationship thing figured out before the kids come along, but not everyone does it.
I don't know if you are living together or how committed you are to each other.
Are you both free to date other people?
What if someone else comes along who wants to marry you? Would he be OK with a step dad in his daughters life?
Since he hasn't gotten over the trauma that was his first marriage, some counseling might help him with that. He can't move forward if he can't let go of the past.

Some guys just freak out about marriage especially if they've been there before. You say that you don't want your little girl to grow up without married parents. I understand that totally but...My husband's sister found out at 22 that her parents who had been together for 25 years didn't actually marry until she graduated high school. She was really mad that they'd lied to her. I asked her if it made her view her parents differently or if it changed the way she feels. The answer was no. She was mad that the parents kept something from her but that was it. She got over it pretty quick realizing that it didn't make any difference. Her parents were committed to her and each other.
I'm old school and think being married is very important if you are raising a child together but if he's not ready then back off a little. If he is committed to your relationship and your child he will come around and it's better he does it on his terms. That being said you need to make sure he understand that marriage is very important to you and if he doesn't ever want to get married that it's a deal breaker. If he's never going to marry you, you need to know now. You don't want to be strung along only to break up 5 years from now when your little girl is old enough for the break up to be a real trauma. I told my then boyfriend that I had to move out because he wasn't going to marry me and that's what I really wanted. We had no kids at the time and I didn't want to waste time finding the man I wanted to have kids with. Within 2 months he'd asked me back and within 6 months he'd proposed. He realized that his fear of getting married again wasn't as big as his fear of being without me. I didn't give him an ultimatum I just moved my stuff. It was the hardest thing I've ever done because I truly did feel like I'd never get over it. I was a basket case and stayed on my parents couch because I was so upset. I still owned a home but just couldn't stand to be there alone. That doesn't mean that it's the best way to do it but it's what worked for me. I'm happily married with a 3 year old son to the most incredible man I've ever met.
Being afraid of marriage doesn't mean he's not committed to you and your family. It's just being afraid of being hurt again.

If you are happy and he is good to you and your daughter, do you truly feel that you have to be married? Marriage is only a piece of paper. True love lives in our hearts and is somethng that we show to our partner everyday. Some people are more scarred than others by divorce. Maybe in his mind if you get married then the thought of divorce makes him feel your marriage will be doomed?? Pushing someone to do something that they are not ready for or no comfortable doing will only back fire. If this is something that is a deal breaker to you then you should ask him to go to counseling with you so that you figure out what the true issue is behind him not wanting to get married. I know a couple that has been together for 20 years and has 3 wonderful kids and have never married. Their kids don't think anything of it as they are a very happy family. Marriage doesn't make a family, love does. I got married for what I thought were the right reasons and made a huge mistake which ended in divorce. Try to see things from his perspective and be there for him as a friend, his partner and the mother of his child.

relax. 5 months is nothing. honestly if it was me, take this first year or two to really just love on your daughter. it's not the end of the world if daddy and mommy aren't married yet. the easier you are on him about marriage, the more willing he will be and the happier he'll be when HE decides he's ready, because he won't feel coerced or pushed. you don't want that. your 5 month old has noooo idea. in fact she probably won't for several years. just relax. congrats on your beautiful baby.

He will not get married. And if he does so, it will not be because he wants to nor is willing.

Move on.

You cannot change him....

Married or not, your daughter has parents.
Now, if he is a good Dad who participates in his child's life and is RESPONSIBLE ... is a whole other story. Or he will turn out to be a flaky Dad.

all the best,
Susan

Hi Dixie, To risk sounding like a mom (I am a mom) this is one of the reason why you do not sleep with a man who is not your husband. Any man who is willing to play house, with benifits but does not want a commitment is showing the woman a great deal of disrespect, a man who does not respect a woman can love that woman, respect and love go hand in hand. The right thing to do is raise your daughter and be the best mom you can be, you can't force this man to marry you, but I would not sleep with him anymore if he does not want to marry you, they say if the sex is free why get married? J.