Toddler Not in Carseat

Updated on May 01, 2013
C.M. asks from Bartlett, IL
19 answers

When my SD's mom used to pick her up when she was 6 years old, she never put her in a proper booster. My husband kept asking her to, but she wouldn't do it, citing that she just "forgot the seat in the other car" or some such nonsense. We finally bought an additional booster and when she showed up with no booster in the car we'd say "here you go" and we'd just put the booster in the car. When we picked my SD up we'd grab the booster. That fixed the problem. However, we knew (because my SD told us) that she didn't put her in a booster when she was driving her around when it was her weekend. Nothing we could really do about it then.

Now my SD is way past a booster (being that she's 11). My SD's mom has additional children from other daddies and she doesn't put her other children in boosters OR make sure they are buckled in!! Just today her toddler, who is now 3, was sitting in the car WITH NO SEATBELT ON and no booster. Fortunately my SD knows to put her seatbelt on when she's in the car. I asked my SD's mom if she'd like "help" buckling in her toddler since she was fussing over the baby and she said "you can, but he'll just take it off."
Sure enough, I buckled him in and he took it off. I casually mentioned that they make things you can put over the seatbelt to make it harder to take it off and she said "he's fine."

My husband wants me to "let it go" because they aren't our kids and he doesn't want to jeapordize the great relationship we have with my SD's mom. I agree, we don't want to jeapordize that.

Is there a way I can report her COMPLETELY anonymously, in a way that she would have NO way to trace it back to me??

What can I do next?

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D..

answers from Miami on

I'd talk to the police anyway. I really would. Wouldn't you feel just awful if something happened, and you hadn't taken any action?

The woman needs a stern talking-to from the police.

Years ago a kid came to play with my sons and he kept taking off his seatbelt. I pulled the car over and just sat, with the air conditioning off. My kids knew why. They told him that we don't ride in a car without the seatbelt on. He finally put it on. It took 3 times of pulling over to get it through his head that I wouldn't put up with those shenanigans.

The problem isn't that child. The problem is his mother. She needs a consequence from someone in the position of authority.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

Have a neighbor call for you.. Hey I just saw a car with kids not in carseats drive down my block, lisc is..... that way SD does not see you do it and those kids are safe. ?? hopefully.

Good luck

3 moms found this helpful

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K.W.

answers from Charlotte on

Of course you can report her to the local police department, or social service agency. Just be mindful that if there are other outstanding issues that can affect the health and welfare of ALL of the children, it will impact your SD as well. It is a tricky situation.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.P.

answers from Washington DC on

No. There is no such thing as "completely anonymously".

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Call the police and talk to them. These kids are at risk and she should get stopped each and every time she leaves her house. In Oklahoma kids don't have to be in any sort of special seat once they turn 6. The seat belt needs to fit right and that's all. If the seat belt won't fit them then they need to be on a booster.

http://www.carseatlaws.com/oklahoma-car-seat-laws

http://www.dmv.org/ok-oklahoma/safety-laws.php

Of course Illinois is one of those states where kids under 8 years of age must be in either a car seat or a booster that is appropriate for their height and weight.

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X.X.

answers from Denver on

Do you know any policemen in the area? If so, contact one of them next time you know she'll be around to tip them off. All you have to say is that around a certain time tomorrow, there will be a certain vehicle driving down a certain road and you know from dealing with her that the kids will not be buckled up. You can even tell them how you will know. You do not have to give your name and you can explain why you'd rather this appear a random stop. The cop can just wait for her to drive by then and make a routine traffic stop.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

No, there isn't a way to report her anonymously. Plus, if you've already talked to her about it, she'll trace it back to you no matter what. Reporting her to the police will harm your relationship.

Do you have any idea why she isn't using car seats for her children (especially the three year old)? Can she not afford one? Does she not know the proper way to install it? Is she worried it will ruin the seats of her car? Does she think it takes too much time to buckle the children in? All of these problems can be fixed - you could buy her one if she can't afford it, you could teach her to install it, she could get "seat saver" pads to put underneath.

Have you seen the videos that show what happens to a child who isn't restrained? I know you can find it on youtube - it uses a dummy and the results are horrifying. You can send it to her, along with a note that says "I know it's not my place to parent your children, or tell you what you're doing right or wrong. I just want to make sure you know the dangers of having a child unrestrained in the car. I would hate to see something awful happen to your kids Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. If not, I promise this is the last you'll hear from me on the subject."

2 moms found this helpful

V.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

If you didn't report it, and those kids were in an accident, would you feel guilty for not reporting it?

In my opinion, even if the police can't/won't do anything (Like some previous responders have suggested), it is your responsibility to report it.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

Of course, use a phone you don't want to be traced back to you. That's what I would do.

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J.H.

answers from Billings on

I wonder if you could find a pay phone (do they still exist??) and call anonymously from there, saying you saw them somewhere public, like the grocery store parking lot?

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L.J.

answers from Chicago on

This breaks my heart. Years ago, my sister's friend was "just running an errand" a few minutes from home. The kids were cranky and fussing and she thought she'd be "nice" and let them go without a seat belt. Some thing happened as she rounded a corner and she slid into a pole near the road. The 3 year old became airborne, crashed through the front windshield, landed in a heap on the road. It was absolutely the saddest funeral I've ever been to.

Please share this with her and see if being "nice" will bring her comfort in dealing with the death or serious injury of a child.

1 mom found this helpful

J.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

im sure after you mentioned it she would realize it was you
have you tried the route of telling your daughter who they probably look up to to lecture them on safety and how its "cool" to wear your seatbelt. maybe she can make a little play with their stuffed animals

i would agree with yuor husband BUT they are your daughters siblings who she probably very much loves so im sure she'd be devestated if something happened ot them

perhaps you can have your daughter voice ehr concern to her mom? maybe offer to buy the seat belt thingy?

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

You could write down her license plate number, and then if you see a police officer, you could pass along the information.

While it is not correct, it is a can of worms that could damage the balance between your spouse and his ex. Maybe you could get SD to put some peer pressure on the siblings to wear the seatbelts. Maybe saying 'Mom, don't start the car until Billy is buckled.'.. I've used that one on my kids.

Per http://www.cyberdriveillinois.com/departments/drivers/chi...
Effective January 1, 2012 all passengers, regardless of age or location in the vehicle, will be required to be secured in a seat belt or an appropriately approved child restraint system.
A child weighing more than 40 pounds may be transported in the back seat of a motor vehicle while wearing only a lap belt if the back seat of the motor vehicle is not equipped with a combination lap and shoulder belt

Violators of the Child Passenger Protection Act are subject to a $75 fine for the first offense.... A subsequent violation is a petty offense with a $200 fine and not eligible for court supervision.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I don't know how you can report her and I think seatbelts are usually a secondary offense (you have to be pulled over for something else first). But it probably wouldn't hurt to call the non-emergency number and ask, "If I see someone" and apply what they said to anybody you know who allows her kids to roam the car.

On the plus side, you can discuss things with SD when she's in your car and let her extrapolate that she should do them in her mom's car or anywhere else. I did not allow my SD to sit up front til she was almost 12. After a discussion with DH, we decided that if she wore her belt properly, she could sit there. She was as big as me. I also had her slide the seat back, away from the airbags. When DD was 3 and still RF I simply said that I'd done some research and felt that RF to the limit of DD's seat was safest for her and it was the parental choice I was making for my daughter. I didn't report friends who turned their kids younger, but neither did I take the "advice" of a 17 yr old.

Their mom never wears a seatbelt but both sks do, all the time. So SD can learn from you.

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Where are the baby daddies to these other children?

Do you think they or he, would care if you mentioned it?

I am like you, I would report it to the police and then let it go. I never want to have regrets, that I did not try my best

You have spoken with her, you have attempted to help.. Now you report it and be done.

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K.V.

answers from Springfield on

You have the right to make an anonymous report/referral to your local child protective services. First, become aware of the laws in your state. Then, call, request to make the report anonymously, and tell them that you are concerned about the child's safety.

If you do not do this, please tell the child's doctor or teacher. Depending on your state's laws, they may be mandated reporters, which means that they will make a report whether or not you do.

I understand the risks to the relationships. The risk to the child is greater.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Maybe buy one of those super cheap pay as you go phones, get $10 worth of money on it, and use that if you can't get to a land line or someone else's phone.

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M.E.

answers from Chicago on

Your husband was married to her but if she is so lazy about the car seats what else is she lazy about? This has to be a pattern, right? Or she's just really stupid? I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids.

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D.N.

answers from Chicago on

Unfortunately, even if you report it, they will not do anything unless you happen to get a cop that is really gungo ho about catching parents with their kids unbuckled. IL passed a law last year requiring rear seat passengers to have seat belts and there is a ticket for the driver if they do not. Well, a friend of a friend is a cop. She said that even if someone calls saying that a car with kids in the back are not buckled, the police cannot just trail them to see if they can be stopped. So if you did call in, even say someone in Walmart has a 2 yr old with no seat, they will not do anything unless they see them somewhere else themselves. However, the cop said she personally would consider just driving by to see if a child especially was without a belt or seat. She lost a nephew because he was not in his seat.

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