Toddler Giving Mommy a Hard Time :(

OH i am so sorry sounds awful! I know this must be heart breaking!! Have you talked to the doctor about this?!?!

It sounds to me like you are making the VERY same mistake that I made with my (now adult) children!! My "theory" was...."if my girls love me enough then they will obey me just because they want to make me happy"...boy what a mistaken idea!!! Luckily I had a husband who was something of a disciplinarian...and they have all turned out to be LOVELY young ladies...very well mannered...kind...sensitive...and the two who have children of their own are doing FABULOUS jobs of raising their sons!!!
You can't be "friends" with your daughter first....you have to be her teacher first....don't let her get away with talking to you like it sounds like she is. Don't get angry....but explain to her quietly and calmly that she hurts Mommy's feelings when she talks like that and you aren't going to allow her to do that anymore. I don't agree with the idea of spanking her....I think that sends the wrong message to your child...."I am bigger and I can hurt you, therefore you need to obey me". But there needs to be consequences to her actions....you need to do some experimenting to find out what it is that will work the best. I know that there are several books/authors out there that my daughters swear by!!! Dr Sears is one that they have read every book that he has put out.... he has what looks like a great website online...
http://askdrsears.com/ there is also another book that they refer to a lot called Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen http://playfulparenting.com/
My daughter is currently leading a discussion group on his book, on her website.

It can be so hard to make peace with reality when it's different than our wishes and dreams. You say you had a lovely relationship with your mother. I'm guessing you were an easy baby, or she was gifted at recognizing you for who you were, or both. Your daughter sounds like one of the sensitive, reactive, challenging ones. This is probably what she was born with – genetic science is revealing that the genes we inherit control surprising details about our personalities and preferences. Kids do not arrive in the world as blank slates, as was once believed.

As much as you wish your daughter were more easygoing, she would surely wish the same if she had a chance to see herself from outside her own skin. She needs your patience and understanding, because her life isn't easy for her, either. I hope you'll read about Highly Sensitive Children – google this to get a sense of your daughter's particular strengths, which you can help her grow into, as well as the challenges she faces.

I think if you can begin to consider life from your daughter's perspective, you may be able to come to appreciate what is possible to build between you.

Taking this on from a slightly different perspective, some young friends of ours have a 4yo daughter who's a dwarf. When they realized how "different" she was, and what severe health challenges she'd be facing (head and mouth shape made breathing and normal sleep very difficult), they were devastated. They lived in a state of shock for a couple of months, and experienced tremendous anguish over the loss of the future they envisioned. But as they processed the reality they were facing, they became involved in learning all they could about dwarfism, connected with other families like theirs, and joined a Little People's organization.

Their life is not what they had imagined. Their daughter still has some health issues (she's outgrowing some). And they recently realized how thrilled they are with life as it is now, because they completely embraced their child for what she is. I hope you can find a happiness like that, too.

One final thought: sensitive children's negative moods are sometimes aggravated by food allergies, common food coloring and preservatives, and everyday household chemicals. I am sensitive to all sorts of chemicals, air fresheners and perfumes, laundry products, etc., and when I've had any exposure, I experience strong mood shifts along with a general feeling of unwellness and physical discomfort. I've seen children in group testing situations become angry, weepy, or otherwise miserable within minutes of being exposed to tiny amounts of various chemicals. This might be something to keep in mind as you observe your daughter's emotional state.

You are right about one thing. Your life is better when your daughter is acting better. I commend you so much for realizing the real problem here, the lack of the closer more loving relationship you could be having. This isnt' going to change on it's own. you have to change it.

You can improve this greatly, you don't have to be a victim of it. This is only typical behavior in kids who get away with it (usually with the nicest parents). My friend's daughter treats her just like this, whereas this behavior was snuffed in it's very first attempts in all my kids. It is about discipline. if you are effective, your kids will be better, happier and more respectful.

I can't emphasize enough how loving and close my relationships are with my 1, 3 and 5 year old. We tell each other "I love you" 50 times a day and snuggle and play, and I do every errand with them with pride and we have fun. My husband travels constantly, and it's usually me and them ALONE, no sitters maids, relatives. The grocery store staff knows us all by name, shopping together, having fun, saying hi to everyone. I'm not even kidding when I say the bad days are RARE and usually/always due to my own fatigue and stress over other things. Why? DISCIPLINE!

Most people on this site will disagree, but your daughter should have been learning discipline at 1 year old for telling you not to sing in the car-or being mean to you at all-yes one is not too young. Same two years later for controlling your hands at the story time. Rather than teaching her how to act there, you let her make you feel like crying. I'm not blaming you as a loving single mom (obviously very affectionate and caring if you had her at the story time to begin with) with so much on your plate, and all the advice out there condones never disciplining, so of course as a loving mom at the story time, you did the best you could, but you CAN turn this around!

You say it's typical for your daughter to tell you to leave-even in public- and become angry. This is an escalation of being allowed to say something disrespectful to you, and then still have the opportunity afterwards to get mad. That's 100% your choice. For two different offenses.

My kids were NEVER allowed a snide tone or rude sentence to me without a clear explanation of what they were doing wrong (when they were 2-ish and didn't get it yet) -talking disrespectfully-and I mean the first sign of an eye roll or "trying a new way of talking bratty" because they heard it in daycare or something, and then a warning that if they did it again there would be a consequence (swat), then I followed through if they did it again. It only took a couple of times, because I would never have backed down, and they were sure of their results if they chose to do this due to consistency at all other times regarding doing what I say (but keeping in mind I keep my demands fair and scarce only for disobedience etc while allowing A LOT of freedom and choice at other times and usually goof ball playing, so the contrast is great between the reactions to right and wrong actions on their part). Likewise for any tantrums. Never started without a warning and consequence. They've always been tantrum free after being instructed CLEARLY that would never be allowed. Your daughter pulled two major offenses in one with no repercussion.

Once, when my daughter was 3-ish, she really wanted to go to a swimming hole where her cousins were playing. She wasn't wearing a suit she didn't know how to swim, and no adults were at the swimming hole, it was almost dark. I told her form the porch "No, you're not going swimming, come back inside." Usually she would respond right away, but in the excitement of the day with cousins, and her exhaustion, she stared me down. I repeated myself and she said, with clenched little fists, "MOM! Just go in the house!!!!!" I was astounded (and almost laughed because it was actually cute)!!! But of COURSE I went to her immediately, took her to the restroom, and calmly said, "You do NOT talk back to your mom." and gave her a good STING to the butt. I gave her a moment to compose, asked her if she understood why she had gotten a consequence, she told me, apologized, I gave her a hug and reminded her I expected her to be nice. Was I angry? NO. Discipline is not about anger, it's about teaching how to behave.

I actually almost laughed out loud when I saw her clench her fists and tell me to go in the house because it was so expressive, in the moment, and surprising, but I had to take it seriously so she would understand it was not allowed. Later that night before bed, we had fun recounting all the good things of the day and saying I love you's again. The episode was dropped them moment it as over, no grudges, no yelling. That was the only episode like that we ever had, and she's 4 1/2.

If you're against spanking, you can use things that take far more repetition, but in our house, the less time spent on discipline the better. Firm prevention is key. I spend my time enjoying my kids and playing 95% of the time. Firmness and consistency in the very beginning of seriously wrong behaviors saves TONS of trouble later, and your'e getting a very late start at 3, but it's not too late.

You can have that fun relationship too, but not without firm discipline for mean behavior in your daughter.

You say your daughter is doing opposite of what you say-do NOT allow the defiance to go unchecked! This is a very bad start on the type of relationship you want with your daughter, and you are doing the right thing asking for help.

You'll hear everyone say how much positivity and fun and choices and rewards she needs-and this is all true, my kids have that too, but without the firm discipline, they would walk all over me and be miserable. I see it every day in other kids.

You sound like a sweet wonderful mom who has been very loving and not very firm and consistent with negative consequences to wrong actions- I didn't hear you say you gave any firm consistent consequences for the things you mentioned. If this is the case-you need to firm up.

If I'm misreading this, and you're punishing your daughter all the time and that's why she is out of control-disregsrd this advice,but that's not what I'm seeing here. In the long run, you know what's best deep down inside, and I hope you find the advice you need.
Check out this site and book:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

Lots of times because of unresolved feelings that we have as adults or children growing up, our offspring will carry those emotions and feelings. Take her for an evaluation with a SIPT certified occupational therpapist, or find someone in your area doing Masgutova Method or HANDLE method. She most likely has Sensory Processing Disorder (Sensory Integration Dysfunction). Her brain cannot handle all the incoming forces so her brainstem shuts down and she meltsdown or shuts down. These children have hypersensitive auditory, visual and tactile systems so every day is a challenge for them. It gets worse and changes with age so while she is young and things can be changed, get her on a program. Also these type children have severe food allergies usually milk/wheat/egg.

Hi!
I'm another mom who can say "you could be describing my daughter exactly." I knew she was bright, and a friend recommended "Raising Your Spirited Child" to me, so I figured out that she's spirited. She is six now, so I have a little more perspective on things....

It is harder work than parenting a more docile child. BUT!! You're in the worst of it--it gets better. It still amazes me that I can be home with my little boy and just going along fine, and when she gets home from school, the energy level/vibrations/noise quadruple, but everything is balancing out. She's learning to manage herself.

For us, the challenge was that she is bright and active and interested, so she has a hard time shutting down, ever. It takes a lot of energy and contact on my part to manage her (for lack of a better word) entertainment, and then the MORE TIRED she gets, the LESS LIKELY she is to sleep. But, as I said, she's learned signs of tiredness. Now I can tell her things like, "You don't seem like you're feeling very patient with that project. That means you're tired." and she'll agree to a quiet activity or bed.

She can read now, which is wonderful! And school really occupies a lot of her energy.

The other side of the coin is the sensitivity. I am really wary of labeling it a disorder--why can't some people be more sensitive than others? Then again, some kids do need specific help. My daughter is also incredibly artistic and musical, which I didn't even realize when she was young until a Gymboree teacher pointed it out to me. Now, she blows me away with her art! If you read "Raising Your Spirited Child" you can see how many sensitivities there are, and how children can learn to manage them. My daughter hated being "forced" into anything at that age too, including conversations with adults. She wanted to approach things in her own time/way. Yet I never thought she'd do an activity without me! She has never let anyone physically move her hands to show her how to do something (like writing, cutting, using a baseball bat), and she never liked me to sing to her. If I sang along to a cd in the car, she'd say, "Sh! I want to hear the song."

But ALL of that has passed! We put her in a small, loving school that teaches her at her advanced academic level and has allowed her to grow into herself socially. She even sings--out loud, front and center and totally happy--at school programs now. She'll eat small helpings of everything on her plate, even though she sometimes complains. Her acceptable food list is getting longer!

Yes, she still acts "younger" when she's tired and she still has really high energy, but we're learning how to give her the tools she needs to manage herself, and she's learning to use them. And she is such a delight! She's more affectionate now--she seeks me out more than she pushes me away. When she realized I sing to her little brother every night, she asked why I don't sing to her. I said that she didn't used to seem to like it, and she asked if I would do it now. She tells me she loves me all the time!

For now, PLEASE remember that it isn't against you,personally! It's out of her need. She needs you desparately, to love her and accept her and give her those tools. That means you may have to take extra time to care for yourself--more time alone, out , exercising--whatever feels good. Hang in there! It is so worth it! Feel free to send me a message if you want...

PS Your discipline sounds fine. In fact, I try to channel/reward and get her going down the good path because postitive reinforcement works so much better than "consequences." But we use consequences as needed!

Hi-
Wow, You could be describing my daughter exactly. She is the same age as your daughter- she will be three in December. Being a mom is not what I imagined, same as you. It makes me very sad and I cry a lot. Like you, I simply hope it will get better, because everyday is a challenge.

Mostly, I want to let you know you are not alone. I am going through the same thing so I just want to tell you some of the things we are doing to work with our daughters behavior. Maybe one of the things we have tried will work for you as well.

1. We have been going to a parenting group since our daughter was an infant. This helps us align our expectations with what is developmentally appropriate for her age. We have realized that some of the behaviors she has shown are simply typically toddler behaviors. And the support from the other parents has been tremendous, even though NONE of them have a challenging child such as ours. We are currently trying to sign up for another parenting group for parents in stressful situations so we can meet and talk with other parents who are struggling. If you can find a similar group in your area, I highly recommend it.

2. We had our daughter assessed by a university program that works with families dealing with behavior issues. They determined that our daughter is "spirited" and extremely bright, but with no developmental delays or behavior disorders. We work with therapists weekly who help us figure out ways to manage her behaviors. It is a low cost, sliding scale and has been a godsend. However, we have continued to struggle with her behaviors and have not seen much improvement. :(

3. Since things were not getting better, we decided to have her assessed by the local early intervention programs. I have been convinced, as other responses have suggested for your daughter, that our daughter has sensory processing disorder, but she did not meet the qualifications for intervention. So back to the drawing board...

4. The next thing we did was to see a developmental/behavioral pediatrician. She has been amazing and reaffirms that we are doing everything right with our daughter and that if we hadn't, things would be much worse than they are. Unfortunately, she is stymied by our daughters behavior because she does not fit the profiles for sensory processing disorder, aspergers, or anything else at this time. She did acknowledge that she is too young to be tested for ADHD. She also stated that our daughter has very high cognitive and verbal skills. She wants to do further testing, So next week we go back to meet with a child psychologist. I can write back and tell you what they say.

5. Lastly, I started to go to therapy for myself. I am struggling so much and cry all the time. I can't understand why my daughter acts this way. I am often convinced I suck as a mom and I take personal blame for her behavior, which I shouldn't. I also get sad because this is not what I pictured being a parent would be like. So far the counseling has helped a little, but it has only been a few sessions...

Again, my little girl sounds so much like your daughter, it's unbelievable. She is soooo tough for us, demanding, defiant, picky, bossy, fussy, cautious, shy etc etc. Mostly, I wanted to let you know it is a good idea to get professional help, especially since you are a single mom. Talk to her doctor, find a parenting group, get her assessed by your local early intervention program. Even if you don't think she has any developmental issues or behavior disorders it will help you in the long run to feel better about your daughter and your relationship with her. And if she does need any services, then you get the help she needs. Good luck and please let me know if you have any other questions or want to talk.

Best wishes. :)

One thing you should recognize, is you are putting an awful lot of pressure on your daughter. I'm not judging you, I haven't lost my mom, so I don't know how that feels. However, you want to become "close to it" and that's not fair to your daughter. You might not realize it, but you are somewhat trying to replace your relationship with your mother. That's hard for a child to live up to. You wanted your daughter to be a certain way and fulfill a certain part of you. Of course, your relationship is disappointing. You can hope for your daughter to be something, but have to accept she is who she is. You can't fulfill the closeness you once had with your mom, through your daughter. You can only fulfill closeness with your daughter, through your daughter. As long as you have unrealistic expectations on your daughter, your relationship will never feel as fulfilling, as it could.

. That aside, I agree she needs discipline. Sh can only tell you no and get what she wants, if you allow her to. She seems like a very sensitive child, so I don't think spanking would be a good idea. Remove her from situations, take away privileges, put her in timeout. Read about discipline and implement what you think would be best for her.

I feel for you. I think a # of the responses you got were from snooty people with easy kids.
Anyway, we all have challenges. Keep your chin up , enjoy the good times you do have with her, give yourself breaks (maybe join a gym with childcare) and try and do those activites that do work out well for you both.
I have 2 kids, fairly decent support system and work parttime. My 2nd, a 2 1/2 yr old boy is exhausting. spanking does not work. He fought his nap for 1 1/2hr today, even after getting up at 6am. I can't take a shower easily. He's at the top of the pantry, he's in the kitchen sink doing dishes, he's just tiring. And this is a morming we we've done fun stuff too, playdoh, etc. It's no like he's not getting stimulation, he's just from one thing to the next. Anyway, this isn't the same situation as yours. I think I just needed to vent too. I will be checking out the highly spirited child book to. I think your child is normal and healthy, both my kids are/ were slow to warm up to adults. I wish you the best and I hope you find some support, moms group, etc. Keep up the good work and be proud of yourself! One of my older lady friends once said to me, when I complimented her on her lovely daughter, 'I think it all depends what you get'. We all have different personalities and sometimes I think the varying personalities within a family create callenges in themself.

Personally, I would look more into the sensory integration dysfunction aspect prior to any type of discipline and also have some type of behavior eval done by a respected and well known pediatric neurologist or behaviorist in your area. Some of the things that you describe do fit on the spectrum for Autism/ asperger's. Please do not think for 1 minute that I am saying that your child is autistic, but there are many different levels of this dissorder. I have a very high functioning son with Asperger's and he is highly intelligent but has some issues with social things, although with me he is very loving and "touchy feely". He is now, after years of therapy and work, to the point where he will hug others who he is comfortable with, but he is very sensative to light, sounds, crowds of people, has issues with eye contact depending on who he is with, etc. He also has sensory integration issues that he has been in therapy for, for several years. He was never a "normal" child. He used to close his eyes when I was talking to him or cover his ears with his hands. Reading to him was and still is at times difficult. He wants to turn the pages of the book, usually before I am done reading it, or he will dissect each and every word, wanting to know what every word means. He would do this to the point at times so much that when I was done reading he had no idea what the story was about. (although he could tell you what every word meant.) Now he can read all by himself, so it is a bit easier, but I still have him read most books 2 times to make sure that he has actually read every word of the story and knows what he has read. He gets stuck on the words, not the actual story. When we look at photographs, No matter if they are in magazines or of our own family, he always notices the things that are in the background and not the primary subject matter in the photo. He is OCD as well, so all things must have a place and be a certain way. (they are not really in any type of order that I would have set up, but his. I am ok with this since they are his things and it helps him cope on a day to day basis) He is not very good with any changes in his schedule, unless we tell him about it well in advance. Even then it is upsetting. I drive him to school because he does not have a bus available to him, and if my Mother or older daughter drives him and they take another route to get to the school, he gets upset and tells them that they are not going "the right way" It doesn't matter how many times that you explain to him that there are more than 1 way to get to his school, and he will be there on time, he still is in distress. If I tell him in advance that somebody else is taking him there, and they will be going there a different way, he is much less upset by it. It is a day to day kind of adjustment in our lives, but not one that I would trade for the world. He is a gift and he has taken us to places in life that we would otherwise not have been with our other children. We do not allow him to be rude or disrespectful to any adults or even other kids, but please try to see if there are other reasons for your child's behavior before going the discipline route first. She may be struggling herself and just may not have the words to let you know that. Also, I do know that most often these kids "unload" on us Mom's most since we are "safe" and they know that we are safe since we love them unconditionally, and will never leave them or judge them too harshly. They can only keep up the facade for so long before they snap and have to let go on someone. I wish you the best, and hope that you get to have the relationship with your child that you want and both deserve!