This is a really hard thing for me to ask a question about publicly so I am asking up front to please consider both sides and try not to pass judgment. My 19 month old is a biter apparently. It started a couple of months ago, I’m really wishing right now that I kept a binder with all the incident reports but I honestly didn’t think I would need to. When it first started it seemed to happen quite a bit, I was getting a note several times a week. The reasons/situations are never the same, she seems to always bite the arm. I mentioned it to her pediatrician at her 18 month check up because it had just started. At that point I also noticed that her top molars were starting to come in, her gums were very swollen. Doctor didn’t have any suggestions, kids bite for all kinds of reasons, it will pass (plus she was teething). Once the molars pushed through the biting stopped completely for about 2 weeks. Then it started up again slowly, no more than a couple time a week. Well now we’re back to 1-2 times a day most days (none on Thur/Fri last week) and today I had THREE notes!!! I also have a 4 yr old. She got bit a lot at that age in daycare, I’ve been on both sides, both sides suck! I was angry as a parent, however I was never angry at the other kid or other parent. I was angry at the daycare for not watching the kids better. But I guess it doesn’t really matter, we moved and left that daycare, she was fine. My 19 mo does not bite at home. Well I take that back, it’s happened twice. Once about 2 weeks after it started at daycare and then about 10 days ago. Both times were outside when they had more space to roam around. I can’t do much at home if it’s not happening at home. I keep a close eye on them and if I notice they are arguing over an item or playing too roughly I intervene before something happens. I asked the doctor again last week when we were there. I was hoping the increase in biting was due to the cold she had, an ear infection, her bottom molars coming in as well as 2 other teeth all at the same time. That’s a lot at one time for a toddler!! I don’t know what to do. I work in schools so 3 ½ more weeks and I will be home with them for the summer. I am hoping that when we go back in the Fall this problem is resolved. I’m sure the other parents will be grateful for at least 2 months of no biting, or less anyways since she’s not the only biter. It’s funny, my DD got bit and I didn’t get a note, trying to figure that one out. It was a Friday and I forgot about it by Monday and never mentioned it. So her doctor said again, it’s the age. Biting peaks between 18-24 months. Some kids bite, some don’t, there’s no special remedy, no special reason why it happens. I am trying to figure out how they can’t keep a better eye on the kids in a 12x18 ft room, 8 kids, 2 adults, but I’m also trying not to judge how they run things. I want to schedule a meeting with the owner and teachers this week to talk. We’ll only have a few more weeks of the school year left at that point but maybe there will be something for me to work on during the summer. So many angry parents I’m sure. I know how the other parents feel, I’ve been that parent. Now I’m on the other side and I am feeling sad, angry, helpless, even more sad. Has anyone else had a biter? How did you get through it? Please tell me there is an end!! All I want to do is cry.
Thank you for all of your responses. I emailed the owner of the daycare the evening of the 3 bite reports. I said a lot of what I wrote in my question about the teething, illnesses, not happening at home, talking to pediatrician, etc. They sent home a letter about a week before to the parents of the class stating that there are a couple children in the classroom biting and they are doing everything they can to keep the situation under control including talking with the parents of the biters. They hadn't actually spoken to me about it so in the email I asked if she would like to set up a meeting for Friday. She never emailed me back and I rarely see her at drop off or pick up so I just got there early on Friday (at the proposed meeting time) in case she did want to talk. She apologized for not emailing me back. She said she feels like we are both on the same page and are doing what we can. She did not feel that we needed to meet to talk more about it unless I felt the need. Only 3 more weeks left of the school year!!! After her 3 bites on Tuesday she didn't have anymore last week. I got a note that said she bit someone but in the explanation they said they intercepted before she actually bit the kid so maybe after my email they are starting to pay closer attention. I don't know if it is the same kid every time, they don't tell me who, not even if it's a boy or girl. They keep it anonymous on both ends. I will get the teeth are not for biting book, I have the hitting one from a couple years ago =) I know there isn't a specific person or thing to blame, especially not the daycare. I know you can't always follow one kid around but I still believe that after 6 or more weeks of biting they should have figured something out on triggers or patterns. Hopefully no bites in 5 days is a sign of something good to come. Thanks again!!
I was the childcare provider and MY child was the one biting! I lost a client over it and I don't blame them. It happens SO fast! I'd be standing right there and bam! Screaming kid and me wondering how my child was so fast! She stopped after a couple of months.
I don't think it's fair to say the daycare isn't watching the children closely enough. When children bite, they don't tend to announce their intentions ahead of time, they just do it. It wouldn't be fair to ask one of the adults to focus completely on the biter, while the other adult supervisies the other seven kids. The child-care providers need to give all of the children attention. There are always going to be kids who bite. Most all of them will stop eventually. Some kids are going to get bitten. They aren't likely going to be seriously injured by it. Children are resilient, and get over things like that quickly. Everyone just needs to realize that these things happen, so chill!
I was sitting next to my daughter when her biter friend bit her. It was a split second. I was comforting her when the biter struck again. It doesn't mean much that the daycare can't stop it. I fully understand that now because I couldn't stop it to protect my own child.
Our oldest wasn't a biter, but he was a hitter. I have been in your shoes, wanting to crawl into a hole. It's mortifying and depressing to get all of those notes.
There's a series of books out there aimed at young kids. We got the Hands Are Not For Hitting, but I know there's also a biter version.
They do outgrow it. Good news is that you will be home this summer. The biter who bit our daughter got kicked out of her daycare. Parents aren't very tolerant of much these days, so they had her kicked out.
I promise it will go away. Our son eventually stopped hitting, once his language skills were better.
Good luck!
I've been on both sides as well so I understand when we get the note. In fact I am surprised my 18mo old hasn't been the instigator yet! I agree that teachers have other kids to watch and can't completely focus on one child the whole time. I would just work with the teachers and see if there is anything else you can do to help from home. You can't watch her 24/7 at home either so don't put so much pressure on yourself. It's normal...you clearly have done your reasearch and should get that. My experience...distraction to another activity until they are old enough to get it.
Hugs! I didn't have a biter, but a hitter. It was so stressful! It came upon suddenly and once it disappeared I thought it was really gone...but no, it came back in full force! I think mostly for him, it was a lack of verbal skills that was the main issue. Since he's been talking more and learning how to communicate the problem has disappeared. Yes, it also could have been age (it was about 18months to just over 2) and him growing out it, and it probably was a combination of both.
I think setting up a meeting with the day care is a great idea. It shows that you are willing to put in the work and try and solve the problem, I really think that's one of the biggest issues. Day cares deal with this a lot and should be willing to be cooperative and understanding.
Other parents will give you the evil eye or deem you a bad parent b/c you can't control your kid, but those people just don't get it. Continue intervening and even using a time out of sorts if she bites when you are around. Ask the school what they suggest and maybe do the same things they do there.
As far as them not watching the kids closely enough, well it's hard. Yes, they should be keeping a closer watch on her given her history, but it happens so fast that they can't do everything at once. I was such a hoverer around my son all the time so I could stop the hitting before it happened, and most of the time I did, but not always, and I was literally right on top of him most of the time...I'm sure other parents thought I was a crazy helicopter mom! ;) But for me that was a one-on-one situation, it's not like that in the classroom.
Hang in there, it will pass. Just keep working on it and I would probably even call your pediatrician again. Also, see if you can find patterns as to when she's doing it like she's angry, she's not being understood, she doesn't want to share, etc. Then you'll have more of a chance to redirect before she bites b/c you'll know what her issue is.
I agree with the mamas that said it happens and you can not predict it all the time. They are lightening fast. I am a home child care provider with 25 years of direct care experience. I have seen a lot. Even my husband did not believe how fast th are until recently with my latest biter. He did it as we two adults were almost knee to knee with both of these children between us. Like a cobra strike!
In my expansive experience it's due to lack of communication skills. Once they are able to talk and communicate better the biting stops. But they're are so so frustrated, they choose a victim or a few in their vicinity, and chomp.
Many centers, at least locally, boot biters out after 3 bites. The only reason I kept my last biter was due to Thomas being friends and they were ok about it..well as ok as you can be. Biter left bruises weekly on victim and he was my shadow all the time. All. The. Time.
This shadowing is hard on all of us. I have other kids to care for and duties to attend to in the short minutes when the kids are busy in the same room. And at some point I have to pee!
If your daycare lets you stay thru this, get thru your last few weeks till summer break for all of you. It will stop.
The book someone mentioned is part of a series, and I DO use it. Teeth are not for biting. It becomes my mantra and we would read it several times a day.
Best of luck!
I really think it's a provider issue. I had a biter a while ago. It got so bad that I got 3 notes in one day. I couldn't understand how that happened. After the 1st bite, why wasn't he removed or watched better. After the 2nd bite, he should have been on uber watch. He had only bit me once at home and I bit him back and it never happened again. The daycare wanted me to do something about it, but since it was never happening (outside of that one time) when I was around, there wasn't much I could do. I switched daycares to one that was a little pricier but supposed to be "better". The biting never happened there. The kids were engaged and watched at all times.
My daughter has been a biter. It started before she was 1 and lasted a few weeks then stopped for some months. About 6 months it started again - seemed like every day for about 3 weeks I'd get an 'incident report.' Then it was maybe 2 per week for a few weeks. I am happy to say that it has been more than a month since I got one of those reports. So, in our case it was a phase she went through. We regularly told her biting was for food, etc. I think the last time it happened the teacher in her room made her hold the ice pack on the childs bite mark - seemed like it was done then!!
Every kid bites! It's a "normal" behavior; certainly at your daughters age. I have a son who turned 2 in April. He was the victim when he was younger and when he hit the age that biting is common, he bit! So I know how you feel. I have been on both sides. My son has only bit a few times and thankfully he is in a daycare where not a whole lot is missed! (She has 4 full-time kids, but watched them like a hawk-- truly, she is the best!) Whenever my son has bit it is due to frustration and not being able to communicate. If I were you, the first step I would take it talking to the daycare. If your daughter is not biting at home, but is at daycare; perhaps she needs more help and better supervision at daycare. Is she just biting for no reason? Probably not. She is probably frustrated and this is her way of communicating. For example, she wants a particular toy, another kid does something to her that she doesn't like, etc. The adult(s) at the daycare need to step in at this point and help her communicate if this is the case. (Not neccessarily give her the toy, etc.), but talk to her and say "No. It's not your turn, you need to find another toy, until it is your turn." (Before it's too late and she bites.) Does this make sense? And maybe it's not over a toy, but to me, it seems there has to be a reason she is doing it. Good luck!
I am a childcare provider and a mom. I have been on all sides, having had a child who was a biter and having kids who have been bitten AND having been a care provider when another child has been bitten. All three of those scenarios stink.
It's true that kids bite for all kinds of reasons. It does sound like yours is biting due to a teething issue, but it also sounds like she also is biting out of frustration since she is just biting kids on their arms. Is it almost always the same kid or kids? Maybe there are kids that she plays with often who take toys from her (as kids do at that age), and she doesn't know a better way to handle her emotions other than biting.
While I do agree that the care providers should be watching her, I also know that 2 providers to 8 kids can be a challenge. If everyone is having perfect day then it's not hard, but that it almost never the case. Someone always needs something, someone else is tired or sick, someone else is having a conflict with another child and on and on. It is the nature of childcare that you can not watch every child, all day, at the same time. However, you can be aware of patterns in the bitings, like what time of day the child is biting if it's usually the same child, if it's over a sharing issue etc... and then you become very aware of those instances and intervene. You can't always catch it and it happens lightening fast, but 3 times in one day, in my opinion, is excessive. If the other parents are angry that their kids are being bitten, it should fall partly on the provider at this point. It's well known that your child bites others and they should be catching her more often.
If she's biting because of teething it will just take time to pass. About all you can do is provide a teether or give frozen fruit to numb the gums and help the discomfort. If it's out of frustration she needs to be taught other ways to express her frustration, and that can only be done with repetitive intervention and patient modeling as soon as the biting happens. If it's because she's tired or hungry and can't cope then that issue needs to be
addressed.
I would talk to them about it and get more information. It is upsetting, but it's also common and nothing that you are doing wrong as a parent. You'll get through it!!!
Google chew time or chewy food. If her jaws are tired from chewing she will be less likely to bite. It will give her that satisfaction she is looking for when her teeth sink into the flesh...lol.
It is what we did in child care. Just make sure the foods she is chewing on or the teething ring is safe for her age. Food at this age should not be bigger than 1/4 inch. That way she can't choke on them. Grapes, nuts, raisins, marshmallows, etc...are all unacceptable foods for toddlers in child care.
