Toddler Agressiveness!

Dear J.:

If you live in Connecticut, there are excellent agencies that service children with developmental or behavioral needs. One is a referral agency called "Help Me Grow." Their phone number is 1-800-505-7000. There is also another agency called Building Blocks. Their web site is www.buildingblocksct.org. Building Blocks is geared toward children ages 0 to 6.

I have a 3 year old boy who did the same thing a year ago. I wouldn't over-react. Sometimes the behavior is just that they want attention. I did do small time outs with him though if he hit, kicked a bit me or someone else. I wanted him to know that it is not okay to physically hurt someone. After, I would tell him its not okay, mommy and daddy love you and give him a hug.

The behavior is almost non existent now. The other thing I notice is when he is very tired. The aggressive temper tantrums seem to flare if we have had a long day or there has been no nap or quiet time. Just make a mental note for the next time you guys are really active to just take a small break. hope this helps!

It's normal - it's his only way of showing frustration. As adults, we can handle it (most of us lol) and know how to deal with everyday issues. Children don't know how to communicate that way. I found this article that's pretty resourceful.
H. it answers some questions - and I H. the link works!
http://www.askdoctorsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp

I agree that being a toddler is the hardest job ever! They have so much to learn and cope with, poor things! Expressing themselves I think is very important. It takes time for them to learn 'social skills'. I try to acknowledge their emotion by identifying it for them. Like "you're angry?". So it helps them learn what their emotions are. Then I can offer them some tools, like "Can you say, MAD!!?" Or even for the physical kind of kid, offer them other ways of being physical, like stomping feet and saying "mad"! Something like that can be fun in a way. I also try to help them identify the other types of feelings, silly, excited, sad etc. Some of my kids have been more physical with their emotions then the others. This isn't bad, they've turned out to be more active, athletic kids later, but it was more challenging to parent them around emotions as a toddler! Showing them alternative physical ways of showing their emotions seemed to work (again, after about a million times of showing them the alternative behavior!!). I think in the long run, this may help teach them to respect their feelings, respect other's feelings, and that we aren't always going to be happy and content and that is ok. I remember my oldest, I would send to her room when she was getting grumpy. Then, it occurred to me one day...how would I feel if someone sent me to my room every time I was in a bad mood?! We decided that we obviously needed to 'allow' all our family members to be in their various moods in the household, and as they got older set clear expectations on no hitting, etc. kinds of things. I think the younger toddlers need to be gently guided and 'allowed' to practice their first attempts at handling powerful emotions.

Consistency is KEY!!! Make a consequence for his actions...even a time out at this age is appropriate. Let him know that his aggressive behavior is not OK.

My almost two year old daughter seems to be doing the same thing. I have started with telling her that we don't hit and if she continues she is "HELD" in time out!! obviously the more times we do it she'll get the picture and not have to be held! Alot of other mom's I know are doing the same thing. They need to know that its not ok to hit and we need to be gentle!! Good luck, I know its hard!!!

dont feel alone my now 4 yr old is going through the same thing. Just try to explain that it is not ok but never hit him because that is not going to help. as he gets older you will have to pick your battles and us a time out program for the more sever times. let me tell you it is an on going thing.as he gets older it will become verbal and I try to ignore it most of the time as she is just tring to be heard in a negitive way.

You absolutely should be something about this! You need nip this one in the butt early, or you're going to have a real tyrant on your hands when he gets older. He needs to know this is inappropriate behavior. Obviously, most people will say that it's wrong to discipline hitting with spankings, so I have a different method. My husband and I would do a simple "flick" to the mouth or cheek when our kids did anything like that. Believe me, you don't have to do it hard, because it hurts. Try it on yourself to see what it feels like. Our kids got to the point of, when sent to their rooms for getting into trouble, they would cover their cheeks with their hands because they hated the flick! Like I said, though, you don't have to do it hard! You're not trying to "hurt" the child, just get their attention and stop the bad behavior. Use a strong voice and be firm about this. Your son needs to know now that you do not approve of this behavior. Good luck - You'll do fine!

It is the age. Both my daughters went through the same seeming random fits of agression and I just coninued to ask them to tell me what they were feeling. Even though they were young,and probably didn't understand at first, eventually it ended.

There's a DVD the Happiest Toddler on the Block; it's great to see as they say the "cave man" come out and what to do with them when they act like cave men. I would definaltely not hit back. When you hit, it' is saying to them it's okay to hit, the one who's protecting you can hit you and a lot of other negative things. When a person can not communicate, it's frustrating, so teaching them what their feelings are by expressing verbally what your child feels is a great thing to do and that is what the Happiest Toddler on the Block says to do. Check it out.

My son is also very physical and around 2 he would occasionally hit or pull my hair. What worked for him was to teach him what it meant to be gentle. I would sit him in my lap and take his hand, open the palm, and show him how to stroke the side of my face or arm lightly and I'd say "gentle. gentle. we don't hit, we touch people gently like this!" and then I'd ask him if he could do it. And pretty soon he could!

This did two things: first it immediately redirected him to a new activity, namely learning a new word and skill. Second it gave him a concrete positive understanding of what it means to be gentle. Soon I could say "be gentle" to him and he would stroke whoever it was nicely, and of course be praised for it.

He's still a rough-and-tumble 3yr old, but to this day if you ask him about hitting he will tell you we don't hit people, we are gentle!

FWIW, my mom didn't think that this would be effective with such a physical kid and was shocked to see how ell it worked. In her day she would have probably swatted him. Now she tells the story of how he learned to be gentle to anyone who'll listen! ;-)

Hi J.,

I am a mom of 5 boys and 1 girl. They range in age from 7 to almost 19. I have 3 teenage boys. Anyway, those are my qualifications when it comes to boys. The thing about boys is that they are not girls. Some of them have what I call a "warrior spirit". It is part of who they are even though you do nothing at all to encourage it. When my oldest was 2.5 , he would make a gun with his thumb and forefinger and go around shooting, "pow pow". We do not hunt , did not live in a rural area, and had no TV. Occasionally he would watch an inocuous kid's show at my MIL's. It was just in him to chew his sandwhich into the shape of a gun, make every stick into a gun, make Duplo block guns, etc. All that we could do was to try to set some boundaries. We did not allow shooting at people. We could shoot scary monster bears who were going to get us or whatever he could come up with that was truly threatening and not a person. Unfortunately, we have become such a violent and bloodthirsty culture that little expressions of boyness that should be simply tamed,probably like your son's hitting, become alarming to us. Also, I guess if I were you, I would closely monitor what media he is exposed to and watch to see if he picked it up from a playmate. Our third son is an uber-warrior. We have had to be stricter with him about this issue because he is so physical and would love to live in a cabin on the side of a mountain and hunt for his food, etc. I guess I'm just saying that you have to guage how much of this is just him, how much is influenced by other sources, and set some ground rules for him. I have also seen little punching bags available, or you could use an old pillow or something. I think he just needs to learn that he can't do that to people.

Blessings,

M.

First of all, have you spoke to your sons dr. My opinion he is just trying to see what he can get away with. you mu8st decipline him. hes not to old. you need to show him you mean buisness, and whos the boss. if not you will have a real brat on your hands as he is getting older. sit him in his place now. be very firm. i have taken care of children all my life. had 2 of my own and my mom did foster care, for 17 years having 40 children threw her years. i have done daycare also for 23 years. lots and lots of experience. a smanking means a lot. be firm D.

Hi J.,
There are only two things I can suggest for you to check out. 1. What bread is he having? I have known kids who have a problem with the mould inhibibitors in some breads and this can have bizare behaviour reactions up to an hour after eating bread. 2. How are his teeth? I've also known kids who have sudden outbursts due to pain caused from teeth coming through. Try teething tablets to see if that helps.

The only way to know for sure what if anything is the trigger is to document a week of his life. Get a book and write down what he's eating, when he's sleeping and when he has these outbursts. They could be the natural frustration of this age group because they can't adequately communicate their thoughts and feelings. I know a little boy who will randomly attack my daughter and it looks like he's inquisitive as to how she'll react? It's like her pain is a science experiment to him. I think this is because he hadn't been socialised with other children enough. Naturally I now keep her well away from him. The only way to know for sure is to document it all. Observation is a little hard when you're busy so if you can enlist the help of someone else for a week to help you get all the information you can. Then you'll know better how to deal with it.