Tips for Dealing with Elderly, Difficult Mother

I think I would use this as an opportunity to help her move, to an active senior living facility near you. One that has a full calendar for residents to play games, share hobbies, etc. She's bound to have more company and hopefully make some new friends so she won't depend on you and your family 24/7 for all of her social needs. When she's closer, you can keep your visits shorter. Think coffee or lunch rather than houseguest for several days or weeks. I agree she's not going to change now, but you can. You can shorten your visits, or leave earlier than planned if things really start getting to you

I understand why this is a very negative situation, but also why having her so far away makes it difficult when she has medical issues. Having done this with my own mother, I recommend that you not have her move quite so close that she can be at your house all the time.

She needs to be in a senior complex of some sort - either near her current home or somewhere in your neck of the woods. They market them for "active seniors" and usually provide transportation to many things as well as all kinds of activities. If she drives, she can keep her car but still go on the van for the "social aspect" of getting to know her neighbors. Then if she gets injured or otherwise needs to give up driving, she'll be used to the group transportation.

Stop trying to change her - you can't. But do limit the time she spends at your house, saying it's not going to work for you or you will be out/about and she'll be alone at your house. You should not volunteer to be her nurse/physical therapist - she can live in a complex that provides short term care for people who break a wrist and so on. My mother loved her building because they never lost total power in a storm (generator) and there was always enough electricity to run the refrigerator and power the dining hall. There was short-term nursing care, including personal care attendants, an attached nursing home and memory care unit, a fitness center, activity groups (library, theater, greenhouse, walking group, etc.), weekly cocktail parties, trips to the mall or various cultural activities, religious services, a general store, and so much more. All the maintenance in the apartment was done by staff - a great relief for people who live alone. If you can find one where she can walk to the coffee shop or drug store or a clothing store, great.

Start looking around at places now, before it's urgent. They aren't cheap but if she has a house to sell, those assets can be used to buy a place. My mother's building had a deal where, if you moved out or died, the downpayment came back to the you or your estate once the apartment was re-sold to a new person.

Do not allow yourself to be your mother's entertainment committee, and do not move her into your home. She needs people her own age with her own interests, which is what you should tell her.

Think about whether there might be any way that you could help her to develop a circle of friends. ENCOURAGE that. A retirement community? A bridge group?

You realize your mom is having early on-set Alzheimers or Dementia? This is how it is. For men? Some get "handsy" and don't know boundaries anymore.

When she moves closer to you? You need to ensure she has a great doctor (PCP) and a Neurologist. You need to make sure you are firm, but nice. This is your mother. She raised you.

Make sure you have a schedule and routine that she can come "fit" into and a definite time she goes home. That "home" should be an assisted living facility that can handle early on-set dementia and allow her freedom. I would ensure she does NOT drive. You don't want her getting lost or worse, killing someone because she forgot where she was.

If she doesn't think she needs an assisted living facility? Tell her this: "Mom, you've fallen several times over the last year. You need someone who will be there. You'll have your own room, with a kitchenette and living room. But you'll be safe."

Good luck!

Call Senior Care and see if you can get someone to help her while she lives in her home where ever she lives - either where she is and/or when she moves to be closer to you.

https://www.seniorcare.com/

Additional:
Early onset dementia as a reason for generally awful personality?
Maybe for some.
But for others - they've always been cantankerous bastards and old age doesn't make them any better.
Dementia or not - whether she lives in your town or not - YOU get to set your schedule for when/if/how you interact with her.
I know families that live 20 min from each other that only see each other a few times per year.
If she needs some care giving - set it up where it doesn't always fall on you.
YOU have the power to control your interactions with her.
If there's no pleasing everybody (or anybody) then simply please yourself.

Does she want to live near you? Or do you (and she) think she needs to because of her health? If she likes where she lives, but needs additional help, could you look at a service that can come in to help her? There are many of them now - Home Instead, Homewatch Caregivers, Senior Helpers, Right at Home, etc. Google "Senior home care" and the town your mother is in.

Does it cost? Yes. But, this might be much better for her because many older people prefer to stay in their own homes and because hired help often has more tolerance for these kinds of annoying behaviors than relatives (first, because they are getting paid, second because it's only for a few hours a day, and third because they don't have the emotional triggers that you do, because she's not their parent). It's also better for you for obvious reasons. What is that peace of mind worth to you?

My advice is to move if she moves to your town...

She needs to move into an assisted living home if she can't live by herself. The last thing you should do is let her move in with you. Even if she is just in the neighborhood, you cannot let her monopolize your time.

She has negative reactions to you showing your strength because she knows it works with you. She gets what she wants by making you feel guilty.

The only way you're going to cope is to stop feeling guilty when you don't do what she wants. That, and telling her that you cannot take care of her.

I read this with interest.

My mom recently went into an assisted living arrangement. My mom has a degenerative disease and has a bit of dementia that's related to it. For us, we wanted to be her family - not her caregivers. There is a difference. My mom needs full time care and it was exhausting those caring for her. They were too tired to be pleasant when they visited her or to enjoy visits.

I would suggest if she moves near you, that you look into an arrangement like that. It's easier to do it when the need is not pressing, but being a little proactive. So if she feels she doesn't need to be yet, you can use the "Mom, I'd like to keep our mother-daughter relationship - I don't want to become overwhelmed being your caregiver - I think that's best for us" reasoning. There are different levels of care - from basically living in an apartment like setting right up to full time care if needed.

Interesting about the dementia that people have mentioned. I am wondering if my MIL has it - because she sounds quite like what you describe. My mom's dementia is purely forgetfulness and being somewhat disoriented, but she's still very pleasant and lovable. My MIL is more confrontational, opinionated and difficult. She has always been that way, according to my husband, but I have noticed her get a lot worse - especially the rudeness, in recent years.

My husband and I went to counselling years ago on how to have her in our lives, while limiting the negativity. Boundaries - which for us are - we don't engage, so we don't comment when she does it. We ignore her rudeness. Just as we would if a child was being rude and bugging. My MIL looks to pick fights I find, and the best thing we can do is not go there. We cut visits short and my husband cuts calls short if they are going downhill.

my dad just turned 82 today. We lost my mom 3 years ago. Since then? He's been declining.

The narcissism? That's the beginning of dementia. His mother had it too. Picking fights. Being the center of attention. NOT typical for my dad - until now - the last year has been harder.

I wanted my dad to move here to be closer to me. He wanted to move to San Diego to be closer to my sister and brother. He really doesn't like east coast summers either. Was I hurt? Yes! And told him so.

You're dreading this because you don't have boundaries set up. My sister and brother have had to put distinct boundaries on our dad. When he starts to fight? They say "sorry - not going there with you" and walk out of the room. If he does it when they are out? They give him one warning. "dad. we are not here to fight with you. do it again and we leave" he pushed them. They followed through. Now? He doesn't do it.

My sister has found a VFW hall that is 2 miles from our dad's house. He can drive (though he shouldn't) they will pick him up and take him home. Social interaction is important. When your mom moves closer to you? I would ensure that she moves to an Active Senior Living Center. If she wants to live on her own? Tell her that you don't think that's wise because you won't be there if she falls again and they will be. They'll be able to ensure she's safe.

Remember to breathe. Remember to take it one step at a time. Set boundaries. Be firm but not mean. When she starts a fight? Tell her you're not going down that rabbit hole with her and walk away.

I think that people tend to romanticize the elderly. Movies and TV rarely show what happens to many folks when they age - they show the Golden Girls and the new show, Frankie and Grace shows them as sexually active, funny, healthy folks. Sadly this is far more rare than people think.

Older folks can be angry, resentful, scared, and this comes out as rude, narcissistic, and generally difficult to deal with. When they are left alone for long periods of time (due to these unattractive behaviors), the behaviors get worse, not better.

I visit my dad, who is in a nursing home now, multiple times a week. I see how the population there acts - and many of them are put there by loved ones who are not able to accept these less than lovely behaviors. They are rude, they yell, they talk constantly, they are demanding, they even throw things when they are angry and hit staff. Some of these folks are suffering from dementia, sometimes it is just what I described: anger, resentment, fear.

I get that elderly parent can be wearing - and at a time in our lives where we generally have just finished taking care of our children and seeing them off into adulthood and then WHAMMO, here we are taking care of someone again. Not fair, I know.

I guess I look at it this way. My mom took care of me for a number of years where I crapped my pants, thought only about myself, talked back, was completely dependent, was rude and ungrateful. I figure I owe her at least the amount of years that she gave me when I acted like this . . . My dad is a little different now as he requires 24 hr medical care due to the fact that he isn't mobile, can't speak, move or anything.

I'm not saying you are a bad person for feeling the way you feel. Really, I get it. My mom is a total handful and yes, I did move her just blocks from me and will eventually move her in with us (God help me). However, I have learned to thicken my skin - a lot - since I moved her here and just focus on what she needs. I do agree with the other posters that looking at a senior place with activities is a great idea - that would allow her to keep busy and yet you be close enough if something happens. Look at places (if you/she can afford it) that have multiple places to move into within the same residence for different levels of care as her needs progress. The place we have my dad has everything from independent living apartments to full on nursing placements.

Good luck!!

This is very common, and is actually a form of Dementia. You need to set your boundaries and limit exposure. I know a lady like this, the mother of a family friend, the son and his wife had to stop inviting her to family functions because she was so abrasive, mean, and abusive. This old lady just ruined everyone's time. At one point all their friends, family just stop coming over, for Thanksgiving, Christmas, just to not be around this mean old women. The entire family, son, wife, the kids, dreaded her visits. It was ruining their family. She lives 30 mins away from there house so now they just drop things off to her once a week, check on her, and then run away saying I have to go to work, school, whatever bye, bye.

The most narcissistic people in the world are babies. However the world romantizes babies.
I see it that our parents dealt with you/us and our narcissism--several times if we have siblings.
Talking a lot is a symptom of loneliness.