Time for the Sex Talk...

My daughter and I both really like American Girl's book "The Care and Keeping of Me" I gave it to her when she was about 8. She didn't really start reading in it until she was 9. She's 13 now and we still talk from it because she hasn't started yet. I think you need to start talking to her before her friends do. I do know some 10yo who are well into puberty.

Good luck,

C.

Wow!! I have a 10 year old daughter too. I also have a 9 yo son and a 4 yo old son. She has asked some pointed questions about sex such as "I know how the baby gets out mom but how do they get in there?" (due to the fact that she has such a younger brother) For some reason we seem to be in the car when the subject arises so I advoid them for the moment and tell her that is a conversation that we are gonna have to make a day and sit down and talk. I didn't realize that putting that conversation off was actually putting me behind everyone else. Honestly, I don't think many of the girls my daughter is friends with have had that conversation with their mothers yet either, at least not that I have heard. I can remember my mother giving us the "talk" and showing us books too. But I also remember talking about it with my friends and we were a couple of years older than these girls. I think my daughter, being very outspoken, would have told me if any of her friends knew something she didn't know first and would demandingly ask to know immediately. (She gets that bad habit honestly, I want to know all now too) I do think that this may be the time to have the talk with them though. For a couple of reasons. One being that children are becoming impregnated at such early ages these days and a lot of it is because of the girls being told of sex by the wrong person. Another being, they are going to start menstrating soon and they need to not only understand what is happening with their body but to understand the reason for their cycle. I thought about waiting for her to start her period but my luck says she won't start till she's 14 and someone else will have told her about the birds and the bees before she can get it straight and factual from her mother. I would like to keep in touch with you about this subject and see how things work out for you if you'd like. My email is ____@____.com, good luck and my name is A..

Ditto on the American Girl books. They have all that "girlie" information in a easy to understand format. My daughter stills has hers and she is now 14.

Good for the original poster to be ready for this talk. And for everyone who said it's "too early", you need to wake up and see what's going on in our country. It's not uncommon anymore for 11 and 12 year olds to get pregnant. Many 10 and 11 year olds have oral sex at school. Yes - at school. Or the mall or the movie theatre or whereever and think it's OK because it's "not sex". Last year my 8 year old neice came to me to talk because her mom wouldn't talk to her and told her she was too young. I'm soooo glad my neice came to me to talk (she was 7 at the time) because a few boys in her class were telling her oral sex was casual and OK -- like a handshake. She followed her gut instinct, said no, and found an adult to talk with. This year she is 8 and at least 2 of her friends are no longer virgins. Her brother is 13 and he says about half of his friends have had sex. Now get this... most of his friends aren't at his school - they are at his church! Their school system doesn't teach sex ed because of pressure from the parents. The parents insisted on teaching the kids themselves... but they have not. Or they do so way too late. My sister and others at her church just tell the kids "don't do it" but they don't really explain why or what "it" is. They assume kids know that oral sex is a kind of sex, but many do not. Talk with any teacher in a Jr High in this country and you'll know kids are starting MUCH earlier than we did.

Heck, my oldest is only 6 and we've been having this discussion (it's an ongoing discussion that lasts for years, not 'the talk') for more than a year. It started when I pregnant last year and he asked where the baby came from. Just give them age-appropriate info. We haven't had the "this is sex in detail" talk yet, but he does know a dad gets a mom pregnant.... which is more than my neice knew when she was 7!

I, also have a 10-year old daughter. She has asked a question here and there throughout the years, which I have answered as honestly as I thought would be appropriate for her. As far as starting so young, do it, or she will learn from her friends and schoolmates, which may give her incorrect information. You would not believe the things my daughter asked me about as early as 2nd grade-all because of things she heard on the school bus. I've been reading a book with her that is titled "What's the Big Deal?" It seems to be a good one so far. Good luck in your endeavors in sex ed!

C.,
Good for you, so many parents do not talk to their kids and they begin to learn about sex and their bodies from their friends. As a middle school youth leader I have used the parent guide book and 8 cd's offered by focus on the family called "Preparing for Adolescence-how to survive the coming years of change". It covers so much and helps guide you as a parent to talk to your son or daughter about the changes that will be taking place... physically, emotionally, socially, and it covers their struggle for independence. They suggest that you take your child on a weekend trip, listen to the cd's and have open dialogue with your child. Also, Dr. Kevin Leman has material out called "Running the rapids- guiding teenagers through the turbulent waters of adolescence" I have not read this one but I have read "A chicken’s guide to talking turkey to your kids about sex" by Dr. Kevin Leman and that is a really good one! When your daughter is a few years older I recommend a book called "And the bride wore white" By Dannah Gresh. This is also great material to talk with your daughter about purity, not just sexually but purity in all areas of her life. I hope this is helpful. R.'

Apparently I am behind the eight ball, as well. However, I am not ready to have that talk yet. Especially about homosexuality and/or masterbation. She needs to be a child as long as possible. People anymore are too ready for their children to grow up. When she is ready to ask me questions I will answer them for her. Obviously if your daughter is not asking questions yet, she is not ready. I want my daughter to be innocent as long as possible. Everything is about sex anymore. Look at how many girls are getting pregnant at an early age. Way too many in my opinion. Girls on my daughter's softball team (8 & 9 year old) are talking about kissing their boyfriends. BET ME!! My daughter still thinks boys are gross. That is okay with me. Don't rush her. Other's may feel differently than I do, but when your daughter is ready to ask you questions then she is ready to hear about it.

I have 2 boys and have on going conversations with them concerning values, more than specifics.

Please everyone whose reading this, No matter how much you want to keep this away from them, our children are exposed to more than we realize. My boys aren't allowed to watch multiple tv shows/cartoons/channels, etc. They hear it on the radio in a friends car. They hear it from a tv that a church mate flips to out of curiousity.

I had a 3rd grade student and a min. of 2 4th grade girls start their period. There was fewer than 75 students in our 3rd and 4th grade. 1/3 of 5th grade girls are having some sort of sex, experimenting with more than just kissing the opposite sex/same sex.

Please talk to your girl, a little at a time so that she isn't pressured to do something she will regret or feel completely stupid (as I did) for not knowing.

My daughter started developing her breasts when she was 8 so I would bring up comments about anything sexual that we would see or hear in a magazine or on TV. I have always been open with my children; 1 girl and 2 boys, and answered any questions they had but to their level. She started having her period when she was 10. Her and one other girl had their cycles in Elementary School. With my boys I got the book What Every Boy Should Know About His Changing Body. And we read it together. Chapter by chapter and stopped when we had reached enough sex education for their age. This book discribed the differances between girls and boys and showed diagrams of both. The further in the book the more detailed and at the end was discussing birth control and sexually transmitted disceases. It was a good book and they would ask questions about certain things. My daughter didn't have a book because she was living with her dad and spending weekends with me. But I know that they make a similar book for girls. Good luck. I know if you are not shy or timid about talking with her about sexuality she will come to you for other things when she is a teenager. My kids have done that and at times that most kids wouldn't dream of telling their parents or asking for help. It made me feel as if I were actually doing this parenting thing correctly.

I would rather my kid hear it from me than from other kids. My neighbor told me that another neighbor in our development took his daughter off the bus because of some of the sexual things that were going on between a jr. high girl and boy. I don't know what the bus driver was doing. He also said that his son, who is in the 5th grade was now was not allowed to go to a party at a fellow students house because last year the parents had allowed games like spin the bottle and had left the kids alone for an hour and they did whatever they wanted. I don't think it is up to us anymore that our kids are losing their innocence so quickly. I don't like it either but I want them to be knowledgeable. Believe me they will also get my opinion and God's opinion on sex before marriage but in my opinion pre-warned is pre-armed. In a study recently they learned that age 8 is about the age that kids start to experiment with sex. That is so young and they SHOULD still be innocent. This world is far too lax these days because it is so easy to just say "well, that's just the way things are now". Pray, Pray Pray for your children.

I guess some of it depends on you, on your school system, on any organizations your child may be involved in, and your comfort zone.
I was lucky (ha, ha), by ten my daughter was all ready wearing bras (training bras were a 3rd grade item for her) and shaving her arm pits which started in third grade as well due to necessity, not a desire to grow up to fast. We had to have the "talk" with her prior to third grade and her cycles started the summer between 3rd and 4th. My husband and I sat down with her and discussed the changes her body was going through, what it meant and why. In fourth grade they showed "the movie" to our children in our school system. She always felt because both my husband and I sat down with her she could go to either one of us with questions. We did not discuss homosexuality or masturbation with her during the first discussion nor did we discuss prostitution, pimps, and child molesters.
Our Girl Scout troop showed a movie about physical developement and what it meant to our girls in 4th grade as well. A different one from the school and our church youth group showed a movie to the children about it as well when the children were preparing to switch to the next group the end of their 4th grade year. Again a different movie with a child developement specialist and therapist there.
With the television, movies, etc., she may all ready know a lot more than you think she does about the subject.
Good luck.

I think it is so important that you brought this up! I can't beleive how many parents are nervous to have these lifelong discussions...which is what they should be not just a few little talks. My parents (especially my mother) always told me that I could ask anything I wanted and she would answer me honestly; which she did. My questions started when I was in fifth grade because that was when my Catholic School started the puberty talk, and it concluded with Childbirth (The Miracle of Life) in the eigth grade. As you can see, it was a few years of education that I received and felt very informed....it actually caused me to be very cautious about having sex for the first time, which occured when I was in high school (junior year) but only once. I was so scared that I would end up pregnant or get a disease that I just couldn't do it. Now that I'm 28 and have been married for 6 years (together for 10) I wish I wouldn't have had sex before him at all, but that is something that cannot be changed.

I know that starting early is the best defense for your children. One of my friends never spoke to her parents about sex and lost her virginity at 12; which was very early when we were that young, now it almost seems commonplace. Now she is 29 divorced, and had more partners than I care to count, I think because her parents never encouraged sex to be something sacred and special and saved for someone you love, that she does pass it out like handshakes. I would never want my children to act this way as adults, I think it is a reflection of the things you are taught (or in this case the things she was not taught) and who you were encouraged to be growing up.

I hope you can communicate well with your child, and be prepared for things you may not want to hear....I will never forget the look on my mom's face when at 16 I asked her, "Why does every boy want his girlfriend to give him a blowjob?" My mothers response was very calm, "Because if he could do it himself, he wouldn't be asking." That was when the masturbation and daterape conversation took place and when my mom encouraged me to never do anything I might regret the next day.

At 10, if she is in public school, she has probably already had a class talking about puberty, menstruation, etc. I would take it from there and talk in basics - nothing real descriptive but being honest. If she is ready to handle more, she will ask questions. Answer them honestly. I also tie in what our parental/family expectations and values are regarding sex, relationships, etc. This is how I have always handled it with my boys. I will discuss and answer until they stop asking. I figure they have reached their max. when they stop asking. I always end with "if you ever have any more questions about this, please just ask me or dad. If you hear things at school and you wonder if they are true or you have questions about what you've heard, ask us so that you have the correct information." Also, when they opportunity arises, either because of a show, a commercial or something we overhear in public, I will discuss if necessary and give them the opportunity for questions. We all know, just because your parents say you can ask, kids are not always asking out of the blue, so I think it's easier for them to if they are given the opportunity for a question/answer time on occasion.

I am sooo not ready for this! My oldest will be 8 in November, and here and on another board I post on I keep hearing about this. I think it is just aweful that as a society we feel that it is necessary to rob our children of their innocence. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying anything bad about you or any mother who addresses this issue. I am angry with our world around us. Another poster said it right, everygthing these days is about sex. I can remember being in 6th grade and buttoning a body suit in the crotch and (because the bathroom stalls didn't have doors for whatever reason) one of the girls laughed and said I was "fingering myself." I had to go home...at 12 years old... and ask my mom what that meant! I have three daughters and certainly have no idea how or when to aproach this topic, so I am sorry that I can't offer you any advice. I will keep an eye on this one though, it may be beneficial to me one of these days :)

Wow! I have found all of the responses very interesting. I have 4 boys, 9 1/2, 7, almost 2 and 2 months. We have not had the sex talk with any yet. BUT, obviously with pregnancies and breastfeeding and such, there have been questions. We have always been very direct and use correct terminology with our kids. My children went to a private Montessori school until this year and are just for the first time riding a school bus and going to public school. Although I knew the talk would be coming soon, I didn't realize that the schools did it this soon. Our 2 older sons have asked lots of questions about babies and deliveries, but have never asked how the baby gets in there. Funny. I guess we need to start feeding more info to them before the get the wrong info. Thanks for everyone's advice (even though I didn't ask for it). I love this place and all the parents who are so helpful! And thanks to C. for asking!

Hi C.. This was somewhat of a surprise to me also. I am the mother of a 7 1/2 year old. He has asked many probing questions in the last 3 months: after people get married, how do they get the baby? etc.. I need to buy a few books, read on and brush up for a conversation. Any additional tips that you can share from your experience will be greatly appreciated.
T.

Looks like I'm behind in the discussions too. My oldest is 10 and I have not talked to him, nor has he asked any questions. I have not even thought about talking to him yet, because I think he is still a little young for the talk. This is just my personal opinion. I didn't have sex ed until I was in my freshman year of high school. I don't think that I would discuss masturbation with my child at 8 though. Homosexuality, I think, would be ok. My 7 year old and 10 year old both know about homosexuality. The only reason they know about it is because we have neighbors that are lesbians and my kids asked questions about them. They would see the girls hugging and kissing, and needless to say, they had questions and of course, I answered them. You decide when you think it is time to have the talk with your daughter, don't go by what other people have done.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

I would suggest finding out if her school has a sex ed or a personal health lesson. I remember we had our first class in 6th grade, I missed out on that one due to medical absents, but I got to hear about it from friends. If she's gotten it from school that could be your easy way in. Get her alone and casually bring up that you know she had or will have a health class, that you want to talk to her about it. Ask her what she's been told, tell her to ask any questions she wants. As for "how much is too much?", go with your and her personal comfort. If you are really comfortable and share everything, you might also want to let her know that not all parents want their children to know so much and that perhaps keeping her new information to herself would be best.

Good luck.

HI! I too have a 10 yr. old daughter, almost 11. Also two boys, 7 & 5. A good book I bought for her, and we discuss together is "Ready, Set, Grow!" by Lynda Madaras. I first got the book from the library when she was 9 1/2 and it is very age appropriate, diagrams along with Q & A pages. I think this book was a way of introducing all the hormonal changes girls go through and we have also discussed "the period", although the book doesn't connect the dots with a girl's period & babies. She will also watch a film in the 5th grade this year and I know from talking to moms of older girls that you can request to view the film beforehand so you know exactly what your daughter will view and discuss things before and after she views it. I agree with the other mothers that society seems to be pressuring parents to "rob" children of their innocence. I think it should be an evolving process and not to overburden our children with too much info at once. Although I am 43, I can remember being called a "lezy" at age 12 and thinking," My name is Debbie, why is she calling me Lesy?!" I don't think I ever learned what it was until I was in high school. I can also remember my mom telling me "You're a woman now," when I started my period at age 11 1/2 and not having a clue what she was talking about! So I did make the decision that my daughter and I would talk and I want to maintain those lines of communication. I always talk to my daughter about her friends, school, interests, her day, etc. I think communication should include your child's daily life, not just the "big things" in life. You know your child better than anyone else, listen to your gut instinct! Good luck!! Debbie

My suggestion is that you know your daughter best. I was like you...never had a problem talking about sex with my mom. But, sometimes people do give them too much information. I have a 12 year old and so just started asking about periods, etc. at about 10 or 11 yrs old. I didn't want to overwhelm her. But, we have since talked about other things kind of in spurts. So, go with your gut. Some of thouse 8 yr olds might have needed it earlier...but some may not. You know best, Mom!!

It was so funny (odd, not ha, ha!) to see your post this morning. As I literally talked to a friend about this last night.
Last Christmas I bought the American Girl book, Taking care of me...it's fabulous. I did the puberty talk with my 9 yr old who was turning 10 in Feb. because she was getting the puberty talk at school in May last year. This went very well. I wanted her to respect her body and 'understand' it before I talked about sex. I think this gives a few months to let it sink in and focus on her body as opposed to wondering about what's next.
She started 5th grade this fall, is 10 1/2 and I realized I was 10 1/2 when my mom gave me the birds and bees talk. I am going to take some of the recommended books above and browse them. I agree with everyone above, now is the time. And I think you should touch on the basics (remember when that was all we needed???), but you must address homosexuality, oral sex, and masterbation. I don't know how much you need to get into it, but at the very least define it. If he/she doesn't hear from you it will come from another 10 yr old and not be addresses right.
I will send you good mojo...as I'm taking the plunge next weekend to do the same!!!

I'm not familiar with the books you mentioned, but perhaps you could get a book that's mostly geared toward her. She reads it first and then you answer her questions, rather than creating some discomfort by reading it together. That's what my mom did for me at 9.5; the book was called "Period." Cute, no? Amazon has it. btw, this title is strictly for menstruation, not the rest, but it's a good starting point. Be aware that 10-yr-olds (the age group I teach) may say they don't have any questions after reading, but they just need time to digest the new information. Of course they will come to you in time.

Hi C.! I was in the exact same boat, with a look of horror on my face, I'm sure! I was completely taken aback when I found out that my boys were going to have a three day sex education session at school. They're in fifth grade (my son who is now in 6th had it last year. Now it's my other son's turn this year)!! That's way too young as far as I'm concerned. I talked to the principal, and she directed me to another staff person who was in charge of the program. I told them that I felt as thought I was being FORCED to explain something to my child that I have tried so hard to protect him from for so long. She told me that I don't have to let him sit in on that part of the session, but I told her that I really have no choice. I have to let him listen. I would much rather him hear the real facts from the woman giving the presentation than hear it from little Stevey on the bus and get a completely distorted version. I also told the principal that we have a highly monitored home and that my kids aren't exposed to adult content, and if you ask me, sex is adult content!! Am I wrong?

So the long and short of it, I asked him if he had any questions, and he just looked at me and said, "mom, it was gross." I asked him again if he had any questions, he said, "nope" and walked away. I don't want to dwell on it, but I don't want him to think I don't care or that I'm not available to him either. What's a mother to do?!?!?! I think that in the crazy world that we live in, there are A LOT of kids exposed to things that we would never consider exposing our kids to, but not all parents are as willing to keep their little kids as little kids like we are. So on that note, I think that as much stress as I endured and number of gray hairs I sprouted over the topic, I think in the end, they are better knowing than not knowing about it. I wish you all the luck and just remember... you would rather her hear the correct information than something crazy some kid has tossed at her in the completely wrong format!!

Don't feel too bad - my daughter is 9 and I haven't had the "talk". They go with school in 4th grade (her grade) in the spring to a local health center that covers it - figured I would talk to her before then and be prepared for more questions after that. Let me know if you come up with ideas!!

well, all you hear lately in the news & from other parents is children having babies. my mother left 2 books on my sisters' and i bed and didn't say a word to us, I was 12 & she was 15. we hid in the closet with a flashlight & thought we were reading dirty magazines(though they didn't conatin any nude pics-just pictures of the uterus), nothing more was said until I was in 10th grade & had to take life maintenance class, boy was I shocked! i asked my mother about 5,000 questions when i got home & was told women didn't talk of those things. I wish she would have told me when i was younger. I told my husband I want to have the talk with our kids when they are about 8/9, just start with the basics 1st and go from there when they get older and more curious.good luck & God be with you.

My daughter is 9 and I have not had that talk with her. I feel she is not ready and she still needs to be a lil' girl. However, we have had the talk about what a females body goes through and all the changes the body will be doing around this age up til her teen years. What brought the talk on was she was concerned because she was showering one day and she could not understand why a hair was stuck to her private area. She now understands what her body is going through and why. I am so glad that she heard it from her mom and not a bunch of false information from classmates at school. She is only in 3rd grade this yr. So I will be asking the school when this subject will be taught in class. (Every parent has the right to ask for their child to be excused from class if they feel that they are not ready for this information. I know here in the county I live in there are permission slips sent home with the children and a parent has to sign saying it is okay for the child to stay in class) Anyways I will be the one teaching my child about the "birds and the bees".

good luck and you do what you feel is best for your child

I agree with DQ. 8 and 10 yo is WAYY TOO EARLY in my opinion to have the 'sex talk' especially if you want to talk about masterbation &/or homosexuality. My husband had a talk with our oldest (a boy) about two years ago (when he was ten) only b/c he busted in our bedroom and caught me 'hanging out' getting ready to feed the baby. He told him the basics of breastfeeding and told him that God gave women breast to feed babies.
As for our girls, they understand why we have breast and that babies come from our tummies and we 'poop them out'; my now 5yo came up with the poop part on her own and I just ran with it.
When JamieLynn Spears ended up pg I made my 9yo STOP watching Zoe 101 b.c a pg teen is NOT someone I want her looking up to, and our kids do look up to ppl on tv just like we did.
I don't want to come off as my opinion is the right one or best one by any means...I just feel strongly that society as a whole is pushing our children to grow up. From the stuff they put on tv to the clothes marketed for little girls (and yes, my girls are little to me even at 9). I also feel that if you talk with children about having sex, you should be clear in your expectations as to when they can have sex (& by children I include teens) and the consequences of sex. Not just getting pg or STDs, but the b/f dumping you and trash talking you for doing it. Pluss, the girls will be even more cruel.
Personally, I would only answer questions that she brings up. Let her stay little as long as possible.

It sounds like you were more iformed than I was. I wanted to know at age 6 I recall standing in the basement, The onlty thing I was told was you'll figure it out. She didn't know that I had been molested at age 3 and had an idea. I was raped and got prgnant so I did find out and I also lost the baby. None of this she never knew. I know even after seeing the movie in school about how and why your bady changes when I had my first period I thought I had diahrea. It happened in the middle of the night and had turned brown. I had to ware rugs to school and was so embarassed by it all. It leaked and got on my clothes. I truely thought I was dying. She was so mad about it because I just didn't understand.
Good luck. Don't give here the Obama kindergaten form of a talk. He wants to have them told very graffically how it all works. That's too young for such wording.

Good for you for wanting to talk with your daughter about sex and do not feel badly about 'waiting too long'.

The most important thing you can do is demonstrate to her that you are open to communication about these potentially awkward topics whenever she needs it. Your daughters need to know that they can come to you with questions and answers without SHAME. I am willing to bet that you would rather have your daughter come and talk to YOU as opposed to 'learning from the locker room', so keep your door open!

By being honest and available for your daughter you are not robbing her of her innocence or making her grow up any faster. What you are doing is taking the opportunity to talk with her about what's important in her life, reinforce your family values, answer truthfully and honestly and questions she might have, and become her NUMBER ONE resource. Children who have parents who are available and willing to discuss sex issues are the ones most likely to avoid risky sexual behaviors, postpone sexual activity and remain abstinent until in a committed and loving relationship; conversely children who get no information and are taught that sex is bad, secret, or dirty tend to be the ones who experiment or participate in risky activities putting their physical and mental health in jeopardy.

I am a high school health teacher and the main class I teach is a quarter-long sexuality education course. It is all-inclusive and we cover everything. Our focus is on abstinence as the expected standard but because we know our students will not be abstinent forever (because most if not all students will, one day, be in a committed and loving relationship where having sex is appropriate), we do discuss contraception, infections, prevention and treatment. Additionally we cover identifying characteristics that are important in choosing a dating partner, recognizing personal values and goals and how decision-making with relationships/sex can align or be misplaced, identifying warning signs of a dangerous dating partner, and how to end an unhealthy relationship. Feel free to PM me with questions you might have. A great resource for evidence-based information is www.etr.org, although it is primarily curricula for teachers so it might not be exactly what you're looking for.