Time Does Not Heal All wounds--Jealous for over Twenty Years

Of course your marriage is devoid of affection, you've given all your affection to a fantasy that doesn't exist. Dont forget, this guy treated you badly. You say you were with him for 6 years. In all that time he wasn't able to get his act together? Chances are if you were still together he'd be the same, taking advantage of you and hurting you. People have that effect on each other- they behave certain ways in certain relationships. Yes, he was finally able to grow up and get it together after he left you, but it seems to me that if he was able to do that in his relationship with you, he would have done it by then. NOT that it is your fault. Some people just aren't a match, no matter how much love they have for each other. Otherwise how would anyone ever go on to have a good relationship after a bad one? They are just different people in different relationships.

And appearances can be deceiving. What would a stranger say looking at your life from a distance? Married with two beautiful children, educated, goal oriented, and to all appearances, happy? How do you know he is not still the same selfish, immature guy that you dated, doing drugs and hanging out at strip clubs? Or in a loveless marriage with out of control children headed for juvie, upside down in thier mortgage and struggling to hang on. You don't know. That is the thing about "what it". So start fantasizing that your life is better than theirs, and make it so.

Therapy will never work until you let it. And it may take a lot of tries for your antidepressants to work correctly. Giving up on that route is not a good idea, for your mental wellbeing as well as your career. How can you be an effective psychologist or therapist or whatever you want to do, if you won't get help for yourself? You will not have any faith in your profession, and your patients won't either. You have to believe it can help. And you may find that once you get the right antidepressants working for you, you are able to easily let this old boyfriend go. When I have had problems with depression or anxiety, I have fixated and focused on things that weren't actually an issue once I was doing better. I couldn't even figure out why they had bothered me so much.

Staying together for the sake of your children is never a good idea, you have to know that. If you decide to stay in your marriage as a business arrangement, what are teaching them? They will grow up thinking that a loveless marriage is normal. Don't you want your sons to have better than that for themselves? They have to learn it somewhere. I don't think you should give up on your marriage quite yet, but you need to fix yourself before you can fix your marriage. And you have to be willing to really do that. The problem here is that you can't allow yourself to be happy. Once you are happier with yourself you might decide you really don't and can't love your husband, and that is fine. But you will never be happy anywhere if you won't let yourself be. I wish you the best of luck finding some love and happiness.

Dear Lynne,
It sounds to me like you are having a problem with fantasizing over how your life would or could be if you were still with your ex. Because you are focusing on that, you most likely can't move forward and see the beauty in the family that you have now.
Let me confide something in you....
After my divorce, I fell in love with someone and we wanted to get married. But, his parents were elderly and he moved to a different state to take care of them. His mother had a heart attack less than a month after he got there. She lived, but he cared for her to her dying day.
Anyway, I was devastated that I didn't go with him, that it wasn't an option. We never fought, we never argued...he was just gone. We stayed in touch for a while and I got on with my life so to speak. Years later, we found pictures of us one day and my son wanted to call him so we did. We had a lovely talk and my heart fluttered when I learned he had never married or anything. You know what? Several conversations later, I discovered what an absolute and total jerk he had become and I ended all communication with him. He was mean and beligerant. He called totally drunk and cussed at me for ever letting him leave in the first place. It was bad. To be honest, I'm sorry I ever had to see that side of him.
My point is, after all these years....let it go.
Focus on the here and the now.
After all these years, even if you had a chance to talk to your ex, you might wonder what the hell you ever saw in him in the first place.
Don't let an unrealistic fantasy ruin everything you have.
Get help for your feeling of not being able to go on.
Get help for your feeling the need to compare your husband to a ghost.
Get help.
Salvage your life and your family. Before it's too late.

FIRST not to be judgmental of you BUT GROW UP. The fantasy is over, it sounds like you have a husband that loves you if he has tried all the things you described. The problem as I see it is WITH YOU. You must begin to love who you are, not what you think you should be BUT WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. If it overweight (THen start exercising to GET YOURSELF in shape). Happiness is like a bird, flittering in and out of our lives. The fairy tale princess stories are just that FAIRYTALES, written words. You cannot fix the outside until you fix YOUR INSIDE. Sit down, list what you like and don't like about yourself. Then take the time and figure out how to eliminate what you don't like and replace it with something you do. It does not change overnight. We can't wiggle our noses or click our heels and magical changes appear. YOU MUST MAKE THEM HAPPEN. One Day at a time, one miniute at a time, one thought at a time. You will begin to see yourself in a new light and that will help you make the necessary changes in your life. If you must fantasize, do so with what you want in your marriage now. In one month from now what would you like to see change. Have your husband complement you more, then do so for him. When we take ourselfves out of the picture and concentrate on making others happy the strangest thing happens, it comes right back to us. I had to learn how to do this iml my life. I believe that you have the right stuff to do this and believe you can. SO GET BUSY. A friend Cat

the grass is always greener on the other side. had you married your first boyfriend you'd feel the same way, marriage struggling, tired of it all, affection fizzling, you name it. but as long as you have that fantasy, you think it could have been better.
but the past is the past for reasons. it didn't work out. he has moved on and maybe never thinks of you. not because you were not a part of his life at one point, but because you're the past. you should try rekindle something with your husband, rather than live in the past. you will lose what you have, and then you'll be longing for this one as well.

Hi,

I. saddened to hear of your unfortunate situation, but there is hope. I see that you have done couples therapy and things still have not worked, but the true question is, are you happy and is your husband truly happy? As you stated, you have some jealousy issues and it seems to be the cause of your unhappiness. Ask yourself, do you love your husband enough to want to continue to fix things? I think you should ask your husband the same question. Me personally, I have been married for almost four years now and my husband is active duty, things have been hard but we were and still are willing to try new things and work out our problems. It kind of seems as if you both are giving up, but I believe you should just hold on because a change may be on it's way. On the other hand, it may be time to part ways on a good note. I. a firm believer in until death do us part and that once you get married here is no second or third time, but I to know that this is not the case for all. It may seem simple but try writing down a pro and cons list and see what happens. Remember, this is your decision and that my opinion should not sway your decision, but give you something to think on. Knowing that you made the decision yourself and not someone else is the key to knowing you made the right decision. I hope this helped! good luck.......

.

It's often hard to move past a rejection and the what if's. It's the why couldn't that have been me? Or it should be me. I struggled with a similar thing for about 10 years. My first ever everything guy. I was so in love with him and we broke up. He tried to make up with me and I was being stubborn, then he met and married someone else. Oh my world came to an end. He was so happy with this new girl. Oh how I hoped they'd break up.

It took me a long time to get over it. I finally had to force myself. I was living in a fantasy and getting angry over a make believe life. It wasn't real. I was hurting my real life family and they didn't even know why. I realized that if my husband were doing/thinking what I was, then I would be devistated. How awful I had been to spend so many years in a make believe world. My husband and kids loved me.

I'm over it now, thankfully and feel so much better. My family is much happier, and they still dont know why. ;)

I hope you can figure your life out.

This is meaningful for me: Forgiveness is the practice of giving up all hope for a better past.

Probably everybody gets stuck sometimes wishing they had done something different. Romantic attachments, especially, can be very strong. I've been where you are, but put those feelings aside. I think it was simply a decision I made at one point. It took a couple of years.

There's another quote I love from a poem by Mary Oliver:
…Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

I hope these thoughts touch you in a way that helps your grieving.

Old wounds heal just fine if you quit picking at them. You are in love with a fantasy that you (Beauty) could tame your ex-fiance (Beast) and that you could have lived happily ever after. He eventually grew up, but not for/with you and he's living his life just fine without you.
So how selfish would it be to run out on your husband and kids so you can go find yourself? It sounds like you have already decided what you want to do (end your marriage) and you want someone to give you permission to do it. How great can it be for your sons to grow up with an emotionally dead mother and then they will think that's how relationships are suppose to work?
I don't know what you should do, but if you could deal with the here and now and the people who are actually IN your life you might see how lucky you are and you might be grateful for them instead of chasing something that doesn't exist.
And once you've finished the psychology degree, you might want to throw it all away and take up pottery, knitting, painting (whatever) so you can do something creative to express yourself rather than try to endlessly self analyze yourself. It's all about you you you. No wonder your marriage is on the rocks. How about some volunteer work so you can help / see some people who's problems are bigger than your own.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and have felt this way for so long. I'm sorry you have not found a way to release these feelings. I'm sure your marriage might be in a different place if you could. Just a couple of questions to ask yourself (that come to my mind as I read your story). Is it that you long for a relationship with your ex in particular, or do you just want to have a relationship that has the passion and love that you felt when you are with him. It's an important question to ask. Chances are, he is happy in his marriage, so being with him again is not an option, and something you will need to accept. But being in a marriage where you feel love, passion and excitement is not something that is out of reach. If your husband is not willing to work at building that with you, it might be time to find someone who is. How old are your children? If they are a bit older, it might be worth divorcing so you can have a happy, loving relationship. Keep in mind, they are learning from you. If they see you unhappy, arguing, etc., chances are they will come to think that that is what marriage is, and will seek that out when they are older. I do think marriages are worth fighting for, but both partners have to be willing to do that.
A few things I would suggest that I know have worked for many people, if you are open to new things. There is a non profit organization that does personal growth seminars here in Chicago, California, NJ, and Canada. They are called Pathways to Successful Living. A friend told me about them 10 years ago, and they have forever changed my life. I've learned new ways of dealing with issues that come up from my past, how to forgive (but not forget) people that have hurt me in the past, and have done a lot of work on getting "unstuck". PM me if you'd like more information about my personal experience with them, but you can also check them out online at www.Pathwaysseminars.com.
Another thing I have recently heard about and have been exploring is a really cool method of mediating. A coworker told me about these meditation CD's and how they have gotten rid of a lot of anger issues she and her husband have had. She had such amazing things to say about them, that I had to check them out. I just started, but I'm very excited about them. http://www.centerpointe.com/ I have also found that therapy has not always addressed all my issues, so I've been looking into other ways to help release some things have have held me back.
I hope you are able to move forward, one way or another, and heal. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life. I'm sending you hugs and I'll keep you in my prayers...

T.

I know I am not as experienced in relationships as some of these moms on here but my first boyfriend and I dated for 2 1/2 year during my senior year of high school and about a year after that. I loved him so much and always wondered why he never told me he loved me but once in a great while. Well some things happened and I moved out of my grandpa's house and into my boyfriend's friend's house about 2 hours away from him. I was in college, but I guess he felt I was putting him through to much of a burden. He never told me this until a few months later. But that January he gave me a beautiful ring and I thought everything was fine. My step father called me one day and asked me to move in with him to help him with the business. I said yes and my bf said he'd support me in anyway he could. So I moved to NC came back to FL to get my things and when I did he broke up with me that night. I was devistated and said some hurtful things to him on Myspace and tried to make him jealous when I met my second bf who wasn't half the man he was. Now to this day I regret everything I said to him and wish I could have made it right. I was 18 when I started dating him and now I am 22 happily married to an Army man with our first son on the way in a few weeks. I had to realize that there are things in life you just can't have and he was one of them. Remember if it wasn't ment to be it wasn't ment to be. Things happen for a reason so that you may better yourself, but by sulking and wishing you were his isn't going to bring him back. Move on find someone who is 10x's better then he is. If you and your husband don't think things are working out then maybe a mutual divorce is in order, that way you can stay friends for the kids sake. That's only my opinion though. I hope you do find what you are looking for, don't worry I believe there is hope. Good luck to you and your family. :)

Just from my personal experience, My husband and I were on the verge of divorce after about 3 years of marriage. He moved out of the house, left me with the 2 young kids we had and decided that he was done trying and he was tired of fighting. We never spent anytime together, he was always gone at his friends and when we was home it was like we were roommates living seperate lives. And we were hardly ever had "bedroom" time, when we did it was like a obligation or a chore. He said He loved me, but was "In" love with me anymore... That hurt. So, I told him that I was going to move to AZ (where i grew up), I told him he could either come with me and the kids and try to start over or he could stay here and whenever he had vacation time he could come visit and I would bring them when I could. He chose to go with us... Getting away from everyone and everything else in your life was the best thing for us! We had no one to complain too, no where to run too when we wanted to avoid the other, we had to talk and depend on each other. We started to want to be around each other and started to play more and laugh more and everything else fell into place. Now it has been another 3 years, granted not that long, but its 3 more than we would have had... And these last 3 have been amazing! Now we have another child who is about 2 months old and I couldn't ask for anything more... He is home and he loves me and shows it everyday!

you are in love with a fantasy. read this again..... The last couple years of our relationship were rocky as he used drugs, drove drunk, and hung out at strip clubs while I took care of his younger brother and worked as a military officer. this in the real person you are "in love" with. does this sound like a healthy person, someone that you could grow old with?? if you two were together, I bet you would be miserable and probably divorced by now. first loves are hard to get over... believe me, I know. also, from the outside many relationships look good, but you have no idea what might be going on inside their relationship. You need to just accept the fact that your first love wasn't and isn't the right person for you. You said you were crazy about him... well that isn't real love. His true colors would eventually come out and you wouldn't be crazy about him anymore and then what would you be left with?

you are using your past relationship to hold you in place. you believe that happiness only comes from an outside source/person and that is the belief that is causing all of your unhappiness in your life.

you are holding on to the belief that you should still be with your ex and that that is the only path to happiness in your life. can you see how that is limiting you? can you see how that is literally strangling the life out of you?

if you truly wish to move on in your life and be happy, you need to choose a new belief. you need to choose happiness for yourself. no matter what.

from what you describe about your relationship with your ex, it does not sound like a happy one (drugs, drinking, etc.) so i'm not quite sure why you are still holding on to that environment as the only one that will bring you happiness. only you can figure that out. but i suspect, when you do figure that out, you will find the key to your problem.

your ex boyfriend is not the problem. your current spouse is not the problem. going to therapy/not going to therapy is not the problem. your belief that you can only be happy in one specific circumstance is the problem. if you truly want to be happy, you must change your belief.

you are a constantly changing being. see that as a good thing! release what no longer serves you and embrace what does. your attraction to your husband can and will be reignited if you want it to be. when you truly realize that you must love yourself before you can love another, you will understand why the romance seems to have "fizzled out". the love is always there, it is your belief about where that love comes from is what is keeping it from you.

this i know for sure.

it is ok to be confused. it is ok to feel afraid. it is good to feel these things and to ask these questions. this is the way that you grow and evolve and find true happiness for yourself.

i am happy to help you further, in any way that i can, if you would like.

Well first i want to address that you say you are depressed and feel suicidal at times. This is to be addressed IMMEDIATELY!!!! You need to seek therapy FOR YOURSELF now!! Begin there...then you can figure out what needs to be done in regards to your marriage. If need be, ask your husband if he is willing to move out for a few months. If yous are not happy, the children see that, which inturn makes them unhappy. A seperation might give you and your husband time to figure things out for yourselves. If yous have tried counseling (and it hasnt helped) and tried vacations etc... I honestly dont think anything will unfortunately. Some people are just not meant to be together. If the feelings and emotions are not there, they never will be. If yous are not attracted to each other physically now, yous never will be.

I really dont know what to say about your ex, except i think it is time you get over him and MOVE ON with your life. I dont see why you are so hung up on a person you havent been in contact with in so long. And he has obviously moved on with his life.

You deserve to be happy and the situation your are in is not helping you achieve that, sooo.....it may be time for a change. Take yourself out of that environment (which is what is making you unhappy) and find yourself!

I did it 2 years ago and although there are now other issues that have to be dealt with, it was the best decision i have made. I am much happier. You will be too, you just have to be strong and stand on your own 2 feet. Good luck and please keep us posted as to when you will be seeing that therapist for YOURSELF!!!

Lynne,
First of all, I hope you can find someone to help you with the depression. You have to let go of the past it is ruining your present.
For marital problems, I think the movie Fireproof and the workbook that comes from it would help.
Prayer also works for me.
Good luck to you.
Victoria

That's life..You'll always want what you cant have. Don't let it ruin your life like this.

Little one, when you see a beautiful sunrise, remember the God who made it also made you! You are His creation and He loves you. Take some time to read His Word and talk to Him. He gave His Son for you and me. He will help you and guide you.

I would suggest reading men are from mars wemon are from venus for starters. I would guess most of this is steming from prior jealousy issues like you may be suffocating him to keep from losing him. that works reverse. Love isn't jealous.
Ive been divorced and the first guy I dated after I got divorced I felt the same way about him as you do about your ex. IF it had been meant to be you would still be with your ex. Trying to mold your husband into your ex if this is what your are subconciously trying to do won't bring your ex back. You either love them for who they are or you don't love them at all. so what you need to ask your self is do you love your husband for who he is or who you think you can make him be(your ex)
You have to love yourself before someone else can love you. you have to be happy with yourself before someone will be happy with you. Find what makes you happy do it learn to love yourself so you can allow him to love you. It took a bitter divorce for me to understand this concept. He can't make you happy only you can. its your job not his. His job is to love you unconditonally but it is better to live on the corner of a roof than to live with a bitter woman. He may be on that corner. Are you putting him there. be honest with yourself or you just have a business.