Time Between Children?

I honestly don't think it ultimately matters. There's no right or wrong, good or bad when it comes to age differences. There are pros and cons for either closely spaced or widely spaced siblings.

We have an only child for now (age 3.5), we think we'd like one more in a year or two. A five year age gap doesn't bother me at all. I know siblings who are 5-7 years apart and couldn't be better friends.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I personally feel that you need to be financially stable before you bring another child into the mix. It is the most unselfish thing to do. I understand that age differences between kids are important, but it isn't that important compared to being financially stable. Money issues can cause so much stress and strain on the family unit. Your children will know and sense this tension, and that isn't good for any child to experience. Maybe wait a couple of years and see if you are any better off financially. You don't have to be rich by any means, but you should be able to afford to feed, clothe, etc. both children. Plus, if you wait, it could give you time to plan out financially what you are going to do (work out a budget and stick to it). Are you going to continue to work? Get a budget together and stick to it for a while (at least 6 months). If you find that is working out and you both feel that having another child won't disrupt this too much, then consider it.

My children are 3 years and 2 months apart and they are great friends. They love each other and I feel that is a good spread. The older one is more independent, so it allows me to focus a little more on my younger one. Plus, my siblings were all a year apart in school and my younger sibs hated being "compared" to me. That happens when you have children close in age. That being said, it is not a reason to not have kids close in age. It is just something to think about.

Good luck! If you do wait, I think you won't regret it.

T.,

We chose to wait to have our first child until we could afford it financially. I was the child of a single mom and money was always tight for us. I saw my mom struggle and didn't want that sort of stress on our shoulders nor did I want our child to ever go without. And please, I'm not talking about spoiling him with material things or high end clothes/toys. After the way I grew up, I just didn't want to tell him "we can't afford it" for every little thing and later in life - college. Not to mention, I saw friends who had kids when they weren't financially ready and I could see the stress on them and their marriage.

After our son was about a year, I started having the urge for another one. Financially, it wasn't in our plan, but I wanted another baby. I didn't even want to bring it up to my husband as I didn't think he would be willing. Since having our first son, we moved into a bigger (more expensive) house and changed to a more expensive daycare. BUT, I was determined. I looked at our spending habits and realized there was A LOT of room for improvement. Even though we had no debt (except cars/mortgage), we were wasting a lot of money on needless things like going out to eat 4-5 times a week! That alone, at $30 a night, was a good portion of the way towards the cost of daycare for Baby #2.

To make a long story at least a little shorter...I'm due with our second son in about 7 weeks. I was amazed at to what could be done (getting rid of the 4 movie channels we had that we NEVER watched) to make it happen - IF we were willing.

On another note, I was in HUGE credit card debt for a long time. So, I feel your frustration with regard to that. It was like a dark cloud hanging over me every.single.day. I hated it. BUT, I worked my @ss off and was able to pay it all off about 8 years ago. Since then, I've never let a balance roll over from one month to the next. We use our credit cards (I actually pay for daycare with my Discover Card) but instead of paying interest, we get cash back rewards and make money on them. It will take some time to get out of the hole, but know that it IS possible. And, once you are out - life is a much brighter place.

I'm not sure of your exact situation (and I don't expect you to share that info, lol)...but, you are headed in the right direction with your way of thinking. One thing that I considered when thinking of another baby was selling our house and getting into a smaller, more affordable home. I'm not sure if that's an option for you or not. As someone else mentioned, another option is your choice of daycare. We are at a center (expensive) and looked into an in-home situation. As it turns out, we couldn't find one that we were comfortable with. But it may be an option for you in your area.

Ok, I've blabbered on way too long here. If you'd like to chat further, feel free to email me (____@____.com).

Good luck, I truly hope that you can work this out and have the second baby that you want.

T.

To be honest I don't believe any one can AFFORD daycare but you figure it out. I have 3 boys 6,3, 14 months and twins due in December so I am not one to judge on how far apart you should have children. But I love mine as close in age as they are. We can not afford another child but we will manage. I say go for it!

Good Luck,
H.

I can imagine how hard it is to be yearning for that second child. And I give you a lot of credit for thinking through everything beyond the emotions because it can be really tough to see the practical side sometimes. Here are a few thoughts to consider. If you have a child before you are stable financially, you are likely not to become stable anytime soon since children are a HUGE cost when considering child care fees or the lack of income by staying home with them, not to mention all the extra costs in diapers, food, activity fees, etc. You will be stable a lot sooner (like the 3 years as opposed to like 20) if you wait it out a little while. For now, I'd say try to get everything stable by getting rid of debt (except for mortgage and maybe vehicle) and in the process get in the habit of prioritizing needs and wants...the habit of spending less than the income you get. Getting that habit down is the biggest thing. By being stable financially before the next child, it will help the stress level of the household as well as allowing you guys more freedom to enjoy life for the long run.
Personally, my 2 are 19 months apart, but we did wait until we were where we wanted to be financially before having kids. My sister has an 8 and 6 year olds and is pregnant with her 3rd. She originally did not want that much of an age gap, but after cancer and a miscarriage it's going to be a bigger gap than anticipated. However, she is really seeing the positive side now of the larger age difference as the older 2 are more self sufficient and will be able to actually help with the baby. Hope this may help. I can imagine how hard it is to wait...I've kinda been there with waiting originally to have kids, but try to remind yourself that in the long run stress would be down and you would have more opportunity in the long run by being stable. You'll know when the best time is for you...when it no longer feels overwhealming but feels doable with how you want it to be. We all afford what we want to afford (in other words we spend our money or loans on what is personally important to us) so it's really all about prioritizing how you want to do it and making sure that what you decide matches what you want for your family. Best wishes to you with your big decisions!!

If we all waited until we could "afford" children, no one ever would!! We just welcomed our 4th child 8 days ago, and my husband has been without steady employment for over a year. But we had been trying for a year prior to his lay-off and we had 2 miscarriages, so when we found out we were expecting this one, we just had to sit back and trust God's timing (and we still do!). As far as spacing, often we don't have control over that, because we can never be sure just when we will conceive. I'd say, if it's really on your heart to start trying, have at it! You'd be amazed at how much you can trim your budget in order to afford diapers! These things simply have a way of working themselves out.

I'm not certain there is a 'best' or 'right' age difference between children. Sure there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides of the argument, but I believe a lot has to do with other factors such as marital, familial, and financial stability, and how parents build the family bonds.

I grew up in a home where it was clearly obvious that money was an issue for us. I have an older brother and sister, and although my parents never explicitly talked about money in front of us, the financial stress of raising 3 children was always looming on the horizon like a heavy storm cloud. To make a long story short, money was always an uncomfortable topic in our house. Now that I am grown up, I know my parents had to lovingly make up excuses as to why I couldn't do field trips at school or join cheerleading like everyone else did in the fifth grade, why I only got one new outfit when we went back to school shopping, and why we got one present for Christmas. I'm certainly not saying that I was dying to be spoiled at all, but I'm sure it broke my mother's heart to have to say "no" to pretty much everything. Only when my mother's father passed away were they able to get out of debt using his entire inheritance. And trust me, they weren't going into debt because of frivolous spending either (not implying that's your case at all)! As the youngest child, I couldn't help but thinking that if I hadn't been born could it have been easier for my mom and dad? Of course, I know this is an irrational thought but those are the things kids/tweens think about.

I understand your *want* to have another baby, but please weigh it against the *needs* of your family. Stress can be a major weight on a family, a marriage, and a mother. Sometimes we have to work harder and be more patient for the things we *want*, while taking care of the *needs*. To me, it sounds like you'd be just adding more stress and debt if you rush into having another child. If I were you, I'd wait until I was out of debt or close to it before having another.

Just think - if you wait, then you probably won't have two kids in college at the same time! You think daycare is expensive.....

You've gotten lots of great advice already! I'm with the school of thought that you cannot wait until you're financially able because most of us with middle-class incomes would never have kids. I mean, you want to make sure you're not in a terrible place, but if you have a mortgage, cars, and a little bit of c.c. debt, you're doing about as well as the average American family, or better! When it comes right down to it-you and your husband know what's best for your budding family.

I am the oldest of five and, somehow, our parents managed on under forty grand a year. We were still able to be in sports in school and do a few other things. I don't know how they did it! They never spoiled us materially, though. Most all of our clothes were hand-me-downs. I started paying for eveything of mine at ten years old because I had a steady babysitting income. I, too, am familiar with the one present for Christmas theme. We were always very loved-and that was the most important thing. I also have wonderful relationships with my whole family and am very close with my youngest sister, who's nine years younger than I am (fifteen next month!).

My boys are two years and eight months apart. I wanted them a little closer because of how close my siblings and I are (five within nine years), but it's working out fine so far.

Basically, it's about what will work for you. Just make sure you spoil them with love, and you should be okay!

Much Love,
:)G.

p.s. sorry about the book!

I cannot personally judge even with hearing it from your own perspective on the situation however based on my own opinion for whatever its worth, money cannot always (or usually) be a determining factor for whether to have another child. If we would all wait to have kids when we want them then we wouldn't have kids. Debt is a normal but challenging part of many ppl's lives unfortunately and waiting to get rid of it may put you in a position where you will regret later that you waited too long to conceive and then maybe won't have luck then or won't have as many as you want. Please don't put yourself in a situation where you are way over your head b/c it won't be good for anyone but...don't wait for all the conditions to be "perfect" cause raising a family always has its challenges, planned or unplanned and that is NOT in our hands. Good luck with your plans and trust your instinct. Hope it all works out!

Hi T.,
As a mother of a now 23, 21 and 17 year old.. there is nothing wrong with a 5 year age difference. In fact, my 23 year old daughter is closer to her 17 year old brother.. they have more in common..you just never know who will bond with who but they all do enjoy each other regardless of their ages.

and it is a stretch for us now as the 21 year old is in college and we are planning a wedding for the 23 year old.. having two kids in college was financially draining on us. We never gave any thought to the spacing of our children and well.. we love them to pieces but maybe we should have thought about that more. I say.. do what works for you guys financially for now. Have friends come over for your child so he gets that socialization time. There are plenty of only children as well that do just fine. Good luck to you!

My first 2 are 12 months apart- I did not expect that, but if I had a choice that is to close, not only when they were younger but even now, it is tough. The other two cam 3 1/2 years apart from the next and I found that to be just perfect. I was able to focus on the baby because the other ones were in school at least 1/2 day and as they got older, they were still close enough in age to be close to the older sibling. But you also must remember it is not always in our control. I think this is an entire new topic, but we don't alway get pregnant the minute we go off birth control. It can sometimes take even more then a year to get pregnant again. As for the finances, it is personal, but I agree with the other Moms who say, if it is important to you, you can figure out the finances.

My children are 16 months apart and if we wanted to be able to afford it, it would of ever happened. Let me know where you live, I am starting to watch no more than 4 kids including my own. I understand how much daycare is and it is crazy. I don't know what you pay now, but I am a mom who would want my children in a loving environment, so if you are interested in talking more, please email me at ____@____.com. I live in Chicago in the Albany Park neighboorhood and I have over 10 years experience with children.

I completely understand how you feel. I work full time, then think I am working ot pay for child care, it is frustrating. I did the debt consolodation thing too, then I figured out I could do it on my own, without paying someone else and almost 2 years later I am debt free and I stopped paying someone to do it. It is empowering to know how to do it and to do it on your own! Do you do a daycare center? My kids go to a lady who is a stay at home mom down the street and I literally save at least 500 a month compared to a center, I found her on mamasource and she has been the answer to my prayers!
As far as age goes, mine are 2.5 years apart and that is perfect. My friends kids are 8 years apart and she really regrets it sometimes, but loves it at others b/c she can really enjoy the baby b/c her son is self sufficient.
I hope I helped in some way!
M.
Mother of 2 great girls, 2.5 and 5
4th grade teacher ( teaching summer school too)