Hey J. -
I don't really have any advice, but I'm giggling at your phrase
"nor will my ex let me meet her. If she met me she would know I am not who he says I am"
because I have often used that expression myself and been met with the same incredulous, judgmental looks I'm sure you receive when someone just cannot believe I've NEVER met or spoken to my daughter's step-mom.
Aint it grand for your kids to have examples of what NOT to do? Ugggh. I've given the "isn't it good that you get to see 2 ways to (do things, run a household, make decisions) so that when you grow up you get to choose what works best for you?" speech so many times I hear it in my sleep.
I think parenting under the best circumstances is hard. Parenting when the other one doesn't is excruciating. "Co-parenting" with someone who has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old is humorous, only because my past riddled with dysfunction led me to find humor in virtually anything (lest it be tragic. between funny and tragic I always choose funny).
Soooooooooo, I have to ask if anyone made sure he changed the sheets before child #3 went to bed? eeeeeeeeeeeeek.
The only real advice I would give you is to keep doing what you are doing. The UPSIDE is that you CAN be Switzerland because he is doing a bang-up job of being (insert your corrupt political dictator of choice with a pattern of human rights violations against their constituents). That is ONLY upside, of course, because the downside is that your kids are involved.
And I actually have a better analogy for you, because as it was pointed out you can't be Switzerland and be neutral and you said it yourself when you said you were on the side of the children. I don't consider myself Switzerland. Instead - I am the G8. I am the entity that makes up what "SHOULD" be happening and what the expectations are. I am a combination of Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the Russian Federation, the United Kingdom and the United States. I am strong. I am brave. And I set the standard for what the behavior should be. (without actually being as self-righteous as that sounds :-) it's an analogy, after all).
I got lucky. My daughter doesn't hate her step-mom. In my case her dad is a MUCH better parent because he is now married. He can't say I took her and left the state without his permission and now refuse to let him see her or talk to her, when she knows good and well what a custodial arrangement is, now can he? So, now he takes her for the time allowed. Funny how that coincided right around the time of the marriage, huh? But that's my story. Back to you.
Yes, it's stressful. I feel your pain (although not x4, I only have one). I just make sure that MY decisions are what I want her to see. To counterbalance what she see from him. My actions speak because I can't say the words. I will never be disrespectful about her dad (I don't have to be... she's not dumb. she sees it). I did love him once. I am a firm believer that the way someone is as a husband is not always the way they are as a father, and that sometimes a dad can be a better dad if he is required to parent on his own. Unfortunately, it's just not always roses that way. I would LOVE to co-parent. I would LOVE to have someone else who can reinforce that homework and piano practice and good friends are actually important. Some people are just..... bad people. You can't candy coat it. You can't 'back him' because if (see previous analogy) Hillary Clinton started talking about what a great ruler Kim Jong-il is, your kids would see right through that and lose all respect for you. So I talk to her about how she feels and I validate her feelings. and I don't react... to anything. I tell her time with her dad is important for them both to have a relationship. And I tell her that any situation (school, her dad... whatever) is just preparation for life when it all happens all over again in a different outfit with a different hairstyle.
And know that it ends up on your plate, because your plate is strong enough to hold it. Your plate is heavy duty chinet, instead of those cheap flimsy plates that buckle when you put the first plop of potato salad on and your hot dog falls to the ground. So, be strong. And know that your ex can heap a whole buffet on your heavy duty chinet and you will still get to eat dinner!
