The Youngest Child. Help!

Does she act like this at school or daycare? If not, then there's nothing wrong with her developmentally speaking, it's more like she's acting this way with you because this has become a pattern for some reason. You don't seem to have any authority over her and that's not good.
I can't really give you any advice without observing what's actually going on but maybe you could observe her at school, watch how the teachers talk to her and guide her behavior. You can learn a lot from preschool teachers.

My kids were one and three when I realized I didn't want to go anywhere with them. I put my foot down, took about a month, angels after that..ish. Every kid has their moments.

They don't outgrow it, eventually parents give in. They become the spoiled brats, the out of control teens.

What she is doing works, until it stops working she will not stop. Stop giving her whatever she is getting out of it.

Sorry but this is a temperament and behavioral issue and has nothing to do with birth order. Stop framing it as "baby of the house" and address it for what it is. She probably would have been just as difficult if she was the older child, or if you had another baby. My youngest (of 4) is the sweetest, easiest child in the world and has been since birth. His two older brothers are pains.

I think you need to recognize that it's not just going to get better. This isn't a phase she's going to grow out of. You need to change the way you parent her, and they way you parent her needs to be different from how you parent your older child, who has different motivations, values, and responses.

Start at square one with basic parenting and discipline. Go to a good bookstore or Amazon and browse through the books until you find something that speaks to you and sounds like your younger daughter. With my oldest son, the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" totally changed how I perceived of him and parented him, for the better. The Positive Discipline series really spoke to me, and a few years ago The Kazdin Method for parenting defiant children was a lifesaver with my middle son. The Parenting with Love and Logic series is one that I haven't read but a lot of people here recommend it so I'd look into that too.

And for your statement that you know she won't be acting like this at 14...if you don't help her learn to control herself, she'll be even worse at 14. Stop waiting for her to change and start understanding her temperament and helping her to improve her behavior.

this is NOT an age thing, it's a behavior problem. if you truly are consistant and firm with boundaries and expectations 100% of the time, it's time to seek out a mental health professional. I don't mean that to be ugly, I mean that in all seriousness. it's time to reevaluate your parenting, or get help. this is not even almost normal for a 5 year old. good luck.

-also, wanted to add, avoiding the situations(babysitters, leaving her home with dad so you don't have to take her anywhere), isn't helping the problem, it's just avoiding the issues...

I didn't get that from my son at 5, but that doesn't really mean anything, just that our kids have different personality types.

My first recommendation is to Google "The high needs child." And/or "The high-intensity child." These don't refer to any problem or any diagnosis, just to a strong personality, the type of person who flat-out doesn't go with the flow.

My other thought is to observe: are these behaviors more prevalent in any particular setting, or any particular set of circumstances? She could have some mild sensory-integration issues, where bright florescent lights, or lots of crowds or noise, set her off. She could need her blood sugar replenished more frequently -- could be the type of kid who just loses it if she doesn't have a regular flow of (healthy) snacks.

Nothing you're saying, though, honestly, sends up any red flags. Some kids are just handfuls. And some intelligent children, who are quick to talk or walk, are sometimes really slow to get their emotions under control. Their efforts just get focused somewhere else.

ETA: Oh, sorry -- one more thought: One thing that worked well with my son around that age (and still works today) is to involve him in the problem solving. As in, "We have a challenge in front of us. We're going to [Target, a parent-teacher conference, etc.], and we need you to be really, really good. So let's think of a plan. What do we need to do to make that happen?" I don't know why, but if you invite kids to be part of the solution from the get-go, it's easier for them to find their inner maturity, deep down, wherever it lies.

You know, here's what I would do:

Before going somewhere, give her the expectation of what you are about to do and what you expect of her. Then, follow through with whatever your consequence is.

For my son at this age (and it was never as bad as what you are describing- you really need to shut this down) it was more than one shopping trip on foot where we sat on a bench, in the drizzle or someplace uncomfortable, for a five minute time out. I will NOT put up with that nonsense. Then, we'd get up, I would repeat "This is what we ARE doing, and we can go get it done or we can come back and sit here on the bench again."

Ignore the baby talk. Ignore the whining and complaining. If she starts to fuss, then you find a bench, put her butt on it, and look at a magazine.

If YOU can't get your work done (shopping, etc.,) then she doesn't get privileges. NO tv. Just keep it off. NO video games. Anything she really, really loves-- NONE of it. If you can't get your jobs done, she doesn't get to have fun.

By the time my son was this age, we stopped leaving restaurants (when he was a toddler, yes).. when I was a kid, we'd go out to the car and get a spanking for behaving horribly. Now, I do what many moms do-- 'you may sit in your car seat and take a time out' and would grab a paper, book or magazine kept in the car for such purposes, turn my back, and ignore him.

My son knew by five that if we HAD to leave some place due to his behavior, he'd be going straight to bed when we got home. Because if you are so tired that you are choosing to behave like a jerk and ruin everyone's evening, you need to go right to bed. Toddlerhood is one thing, I understand that developmentally they aren't 'there'-- but typical children should be expected to behave in public at five, and if they choose not to, there should be very clear and enforced consequences for their actions. I cannot imagine being so paralyzed that my kid might get upset over not being able to get into someone's private space like a desk. Seriously-- get over being NICE mom and teach your daughter to behave in the world.

If she's tantruming because she can't have her way, you need to seek more resources than a forum. Lay down the law.

When my kids go through phases of brattiness, I set them up. That is, I take them on an errand I don't *need* to go on. I tell them before we leave that "We are going grocery shopping. If you do not behave then we will go straight home and you will have no tv (or whatever their currency at the time is) for the rest of the day. Do you understand?" I'll also often have them repeat back to me what I just said so I know they were paying attention. Then, we go. And 9/10 times they start whining or running around or whatever. They get 1 warning and then we GO. And because it's not something I necessarily had to do, I don't get frustrated that my stuff didn't get done. I take them home immediately and they endure their punishment. I explain that they misbehaved and that's why we left and there's no tv (or whatever).

They're smart kids - they clue in after just one time. But they ARE kids....and learning self-control is tough for them. A lot of kids wear their feelings on their sleeves, so if they're restless, bored, grumpy or whatever...it comes out as misbehaving and not listening.

You absolutely need to keep taking her out, or she'll never learn how to behave in public. When I'm not "setting my kids up", I make sure everyone is healthy, not hungry or too tired when we go - otherwise I'm just setting myself up for a miserable time.

This sounds more like a personality thing. I have two boys, and I have never had a problem taking them anywhere with me (shopping, church, committee meetings, restaurants, my doctors/dentist/hair appointments...they have always come with me). The older is very easy going. He is 11 and has in his whole life only had two tantrums, one when he was three and one when he was five. My younger son had quite a few tantrums when he was two, but it turned out to be related to ear infections, and he hasn't had a tantrum since he had tubes put in his ears. They aren't perfect, they will certainly complain and grumble about doing things they really don't want to do, but it never goes past that, as the complaining and grumbling never changes anything for them.

It sounds like you have a child who is pushing your buttons. My DD was in Michael's with me. She is also 5. She wanted something she saw just before checkout, after I cut my errand short because she said she needed to pee and there was no public restroom there. I was in a hurry and I was also not spending $9 on foam shapes we didn't need. She yelled about it, but I held firm, we left, used a restroom and went home. I told her she got nothing because she had a fit. She said that made her sad. I said it made me sad, too, because her behavior was unacceptable.

If your DD crawls along the floor or screams, warn her and then take her home or take her out of the store. If you think she wants to be home, make sure that going home isn't playtime or tv time. I'd make it clear that if she wastes your time there will be a consequence. If she would have a fit because she can't rummage through people's desks, and you are afraid to take her anywhere, then perhaps you need to send just one parent or one of you be ready to take her into the hall while the other stays at the conference. Find ways to reinforce what needs to be done without her dictating your life. If the 8 yr old can behave, then let her get some one on one time at a restaurant or leave your 5 with a sitter while you go out.

I realize that some children are more volatile than others, but this child needs to learn boundaries or she'll be in school and be sent to the principal (trust me) for yelling and being disruptive to other children.

If she says she's a baby or talks in baby talk, then tell her she is a big girl, and she should use a big girl voice. That you don't understand baby talk.

Praise her when she does a big girl thing. Point out when she gets to do something because she is old enough or calm enough. Give her reasonable choices, but don't negotiate with her. Pants or a skirt. She doesn't want either? Then you choose.

You may want to read a book like 123 Magic, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen or the Highly Sensitive Child.

Be consistent. If you leave for misbehavior, leave every time. Or take her to the car to sit while everyone else gets to eat.

Hang in there. My DD is a wonderful girl...who hates to be wrong. So, yeah. Keep working on her. I don't think it's being the baby. I think it's being 5.

Well, have you been in my house? You described my now 5 year old when he was 3.

Now what have we changed?
1. we did do a diet change- No Gluten, no more tummy aches. No Dyes, no more total out of control crazyness, Chocolate, no more mr angry for being with in 5 fett of him.

2. We do accupunture, First time we took him to the store I about fell over it was so easy. He stayed with the cart did not scream etc. We took him for 2 weeks and they were closed for a week, we drove past and he said that he likes that place they make him feel more relaxed. (FYI this is the needleless method)

It sounds like sensory to me. I would recomend the book "the out of sync child" and understand where these feelings and statements come from.

Each child has thier own "key" but it is definetly worth a look into. Senesory they can out grow, but I will say this your statements above scream sensory to me.

My son has ADHD/sensory. This is what the Psychologist said. Food and accupunture have been our greatest gift for him. While we have moments that are still rough, overall things go smoothly daily.

Good luck.

I agree with Jennifer T. This is a behaviour thing. She is playing you because she knows she gets away with it. Based on my experience with my youngest one - leaving them at home all the time becomes a bigger issue later on. You do need to get a hold on this now. I am in agreement that if you are being consistent in discipline and punishments, then it is time to talk to someone. I would start with a counselor. They can work wonders.

I think part of it is being the youngest and age, but not mostly. I think it's mostly a behavior issue.

With our kids, we lay out what the expectations are for any event or place before we leave. Before we enter Target I tell the kids what I am going for, and if they are allowed to look around or not. If my youngest (6) is tired and doesn't wan to go, he will tell me. When that happens, we put a coat on the bottom of the cart and he climbs in. Problem solved. He knows whining isn't allowed and God forbid he layed on the floor anywhere, I'd have his behind.

I think you all should try laying out the boundaries to her. Tell her the consequences for not doing what is expected and the rewards for doing what is expected (for example, the dinner thing...the reward was eating out and the consequence was going home.). It doesn't always have to be big...but they need to know what's going on. At least my kids do.

I don't know that it has anything to do with her being the youngest... My youngest was easier than my oldest. At 5, things had gotten even easier. This is either a behaviour issue or there's a more underlying thing going on that a professional needs to help with. I do remember both mine getting super upset at that age about something that seemed silly but not so often and not so much about something they couldn't have vs being overly sensitive. Refusing to walk or ride in the cart seems inappropriate for a 5 year old. That's K age. I assume she's not in K yet? My oldest was 4 when she started K and we never had one issue at school with her behaviour. Does your daughter go to any kind of school? Is she like this there or just with you? If just with you, sounds like she's giving you a hard time but capable of behaving so that would be encouraging...

I have 3 boys (8, 5, and 3). Our 3 year old is really easy going. He's my shadow--he goes everywhere with me. (I usually try to avoid taking all 3 to places like Target & Sam's). My 3 year old has sat through my doctor's appts, teacher conferences, dentist appts, parties in the other boys' classes, etc (he'll usually just read a book or play on my ipad).

Does she go to preschool/day care? If so, what does the teacher say about how she behaves? Is she on-target with her peers? Does she act this way with Dad? I know my kids will sometimes act differently with me and dad.

I would keep working on it:) Maybe run to Target or the grocery store for 1 thing. Keep the trip short and sweet. After a few tries at that, make it 3-4 things, etc. Also, I always avoid going around meal/nap times. If my kids are hungry or tired, it makes for a more difficult trip.

Good Luck!!

It will get better when you take control of it. The store stuff is hard. But for me it would not be a leave her home with dad. she has to learn how to behave in a public situation. And when we (my brothers and sister and I) behaved in the manner you describe we got a very swift crack on the behind. And let me tell you it gets immediate attention. Do I say you should beat your child absolutely not. I am not one who suggests that for every situation. But when she won't walk and she won't sit in the cart and you give in on it she is fully in control. You need to get it back. And yes she will be like that at 14. It will be a different kind of control but she will have it.

This sounds like a discipline problem and not an age related problem. My son is 2 and we go to the store and to restaurants and while he does have the occasional meltdown it's nothing like you describe. You need to figure out why she's behaving this way, how you react to it, and how you can react differently in a way that will teach her to control her emotions in a more appropriate manner. Good luck, at 5 she is very used to behaving this way and will probably not enjoy losing the attention at all! Get it under control now or I'm guessing you'll have a major tough time with her at 14.

Oh. Sounds fun. Do you give in to her tantrums? I always hated it when people asked me that with mine - cause - of course I didn't! But - sometimes I did, because it's easier. So, I don't know if anything I say here will help, cause REALLY mine is 9 and we still have issues. She's a very spirited, strong-willed little girl. I do not want to crush that spirit though, because that's the strength she'll need later. So - here are some things I've used:

The calm voice: (if I remember to keep MY control)... the louder she is, the quieter I am. "Honey, when you speak to me in that tone, I can't understand. When you're ready to speak to me in a calm voice like this, I'll be glad to listen"

Leaving the store: My kids like to get a little treat after going to the store. If we have to leave, there is no treat. (I don't REALLY like using food as a reward, but that one seemed to stick). I left a full grocery cart. Once. Another time - they decided to run around. I hid around the next aisle so they'd think they lost me. Only did that once too ;-)

Deep breathing: I had to teach this to my youngest SEVERAL times, she still has a hard time. But if she remembers to take a breath, she can calm herself down. I know it's hard - cause sometimes I can't even remember to breathe!

A job: Maybe you can give her a job to do when she's at the store? Like the one in charge of the list, or finding things on the shelves for you. Reward her with compliments when she does this right - what a big help you are!

This book helped me understand her a little better. Mine really is very sensitive. I have to limit her TV too - it makes her behavior worse: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

There are a lot of great parenting books out there for help with behaviors like this. I've learned & gotten a lot of help from many of the ones already mentioned. The ones I think I like the best for my family are Your Kids are your own Fault, Love & Logic & the 5 Love Languages for Teens. You can look up their websites. If you "lay down the law", follow through consistently & still have these problems, there very well might be something neurological going on & you should see a doctor.

My oldest has had behavior issues similar to these, on & off since she was a toddler. Yes, your daughter will have tantrums when she is 14 & it is NOT pretty. I have spent years reading books, taking her to counselors, trying to find a way to help her. My learning to be more consistent with discipline & showing her how much I love HER, in a way that she understands has helped, but did not eliminate the tantrums. After many years of ADHD & anxiety meds, counseling, & begging for someone to help us, our HMO has FINALLY agreed to do an Autism Spectrum Evaluation.

Once I asked a Psychiatrist new to us if she might have Asperger's syndrome, which is on the Autism Spectrum & looks TOTALLY different in girls than in boys. He looked at my daughter & asked her if she knew what a "google" was. She answered that it was a super HUGE number, but she didn't know how many zeros it had. He said, no she doesn't have Aspergers. He gave me lectures on my lack of schedules, consistency & discipline. I had & still have schedules, consistency & consequences for behaviors & they are working pretty darn good for the other 2 girls, one of which also has ADHD. He told me in front of my daughter that diet had NO effect on ADHD behaviors & prescribed more & stronger meds, which actually made her anxiety attacks more frequent & intense & in public!

Each child, regardless of birth order, has her own personality, strengths, weakness & quirks. You are just the same Mom & Dad, doing your best for your kids, as best as you can with what you know now. I guess I would say, re-evaluate your current methods of explaining consequences for unacceptable behavior, follow through on those consequences & make sure you REWARD correct behavior every time you can. Give yourselves a time frame, say I will do XY&Z for 3 months consistently if you don't see improvement in her behavior & if the tantrums persist, consult a counselor or your doctor. SOMETIMES tantrums are more than just bratty behavior. Good Luck!

Apparently she's not ready for going out as much as you'd like her to be.
It might be better in a few more years but in the meantime she needs to stay home.
You or Dad needs to stay home with your youngest while the other does what ever needs doing with the oldest.
If our son pulled some of this behavior at that age there's no doubt his behind would be hurting - he'd have earned a spanking pretty darn quick.
Fortunately he was always good as gold and we received SO MANY compliments on his behavior it just made us so proud of him but then we are blessed with an easy going child.

At each age juncture and at each age of development... a kid changes. Cognitively/emotionally/physically.
It just is.

Kids, no matter what age, needs 'management.'

Then:
When... does a parent, become... what the child needs?
And when, does the parent... really know their child and understands them? And how to handle him/her?
And when does a parent know, that each child is different?
And when does a parent know, how.... to teach various things to their child or not?

I am the youngest in my family.
I was not like that.
The eldest in my family, was like that.

My dd had some of this behavior at that age. We rarely if ever took her to the store until she outgrew this stuff around 1st-2nd grade. We told restaurants to put us in the back where we wouldn't bother anyone.
For me, it was too hard to change the behavior - I did not have the skill or know-how and she was so strong-willed that I doubt it would have worked. It finally resolved itself.
You might try to put her in a sport like gymnastics which requires a lot of self regulation and concentration. It's also very active and it keeps them from getting bored and misbehaving. My dd thrived in this sport and it really helped her to focus and pay attention. She is now a level 8 gymnast at the age of 10.

Sounds like a power game to me.

She can manipulate her family, which is fun, and she get lots of attention, which is even more fun. So what if it's negative attention? And it's easy to get into a habit of acting in a certain fashion. It becomes second nature. Just look at grown-ups.

I like MamaBadger's "set up a situation" idea. That way, when you and DD leave the store abruptly, you haven't blown your grocery shopping trip. I think the reason many mamas don't deal effectively with children's tantrums in public is not because they're bad mamas; it's simply because they're so pressured by time.

You do want to talk with DD's doctor, in case there's more to this than just misbehavior. A change of diet might have a good effect. I mention this only because one of my granddaughters was *much* more difficult to deal with at your DD's age when she was over-sugared.

While you're working on her misbehavior, keep looking for the good things she does. It's very easy to see the bad things! Where are the good ones - even the little ones that come and go quickly? Look hard for them and *mention* them to her out loud. Make it short and sweet (no overdoing it and no lectures attached) - just a brief, "I like the way you waited for me while I got the car keys - thank you." This is a part of *your* power game.

What is baby of the house syndrome? Has some "expert" said that all youngest children must be expected to behave like this? Piffle!

Oh, and next time you go to the library, look for Betty McDonald's four MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE books. They're vintage, they're funny, and the bad habits of those characters might make you smile. Sounds as if you need a smile.

Totally sounds like you have a child with sensory issues. My daughter was like that. Except she wasn't so obnoxious, and she did not run the family. We started taking her to see a Childhood Specialist when she was 5 years old, so she could learn how to self-regulate herself and I as a parent could learn how to deal with her and relay what the Specialist told me to my husband, so we could work together on our parenting.

When she was 7 years old, we switched the entire family over to eating organic and using reverse-osmosis water as well as eliminating gluten, cow dairy/casein, and soy from our diet (that included doing away with almost all fast food and eating out; we only have 4-5 restaurants we will even contemplate eating at, and that's because we are able to get food there we're able to eat/that's in the realm of what we want to put in our body).

It was like night and day, the change was so dramatic.

She is now 14 years old, has a whole bunch of friends, she plays tenor sax in the band, plays goalie for Lacrosse, and is on the Highest Honor Roll. She rarely ever has a meltdown, we have had the best of times (so far) in entering the teenage years, and as of Thanksgiving 2013, we have evolved our diet even further and are now doing Paleo. She and I go to a spiritualist church, and we do a lot of different types of alternative medicine (chiropractic and acupuncture are the favorites). She still has her quirks, but her mind is so much more settled now. Being on the Paleo diet, she's even starting to shed some of the weight she just couldn't seem to get rid of (she has hypotonia, so slow moving is like her middle name).

I would definitely look into doing a very big change in diet. Take out processed and preserved food (stuff bought from the store; your own canning and freezing is fine), SUGAR of all kinds (the only ones I would give her would be low-glycemic: pure maple syrup, raw honey, coconut sugar (but very little), dates and figs (watch now much is used; very sweet, can become high glycemic very quickly), pureed fruit like applesauce, and Stevia (I'm adding these because these are safe to cook/bake with. If you're going to get rid of the bad stuff, you'll need to do your own cooking and baking), DEFINITELY get rid of any and all artificial sweeteners, prepackaged food, fast food, junk food, candy, etc,. and replace with organic veges and fruits and (organic) free-range meats and eggs. Nuts, seeds.

I would even go a step further and suggest getting rid of all grains in the diet, simply because grains are very inflammatory, and through my own personal experience with helping my own daughter, sensory issues are because the brain is highly inflamed. Taking out everything from the diet that has any potential for causing the brain to inflame will help in quieting all of these quirky things your daughter is doing. Believe me; I have read hundreds of books on all different topics in my pursuit of helping my daughter. In fact, I have even gone back to school to become a health and wellness coach, so that I can help other parents help their children (and also for parents themselves to take back control of their health).

Your daughter will probably absolutely hate you and fight; I would wager that the foods she is eating are what is triggering the vast majority of her problems in that all of the synthetic, man-made stuff in them is probably an allergen for her body. Stand firm; offer her what food(s) she is allowed to eat. When she is hungry, she will eat. She is 5; she can't drive to the store and get food for herself. You as the mom have the ability to help her change her eating habits and to help her. My suggestion is to change what the whole family eats; the new diet/way of eating will help your daughter as well as everyone else.

I think if you take out all the bad food (and along with it the artificial dyes, the artificial flavors, the artificial sweeteners, the chemicals and preservatives, the MSG/excitotoxins, etc.) that you'll begin to notice quite a difference in your daughter within even just a matter of days.