...what can I do to stop this or at the very least slow it down? I stay home with my kids and so does his family (the men go to work and the women stay home it appears). This kid isn't very nice (I'm holding back here). He calls my daughter names, he threw her shoes on the roof yesterday, they are always arguing, and he likes to send my daughter to get icys and other snacks from our house to give to him. I don't like to interfere in her playing; like I'm not going to go running outside and yell at him for calling her a liar. BUT it doesn't mean that I like it! I want her to be able to handle situations like that but things with this kid goes a little too far.
My daughter is 5 and an extrovert to the max. She really enjoys the company of others. She starts school soon so her schedule will be full soon but what to do in the mean time...
Just as an FYI she is not unsupervised. I'm not a hover around mom in the sense that I'm not following my kid around my backyard intervening and co-playing while she's playing. My mother didn't do it with me, so I don't do it with her. Either I'm on the deck, in the garden, in the kitchen with the door open or otherwise around. Or, the neighbors mother or grandmother are outside in their garden, on their deck or otherwise around. There is always someone outside. I didn't want to write a story in the question but I guess I should have been more descriptive. Everything I explained in my question happened yesterday. When I heard them arguing and name calling is when I said that was enough play for today. I told her right then I didn't want her playing with him anymore. Then, in the evening she told her father that he threw her shoes on the roof. Then we BOTH told her no more.
My five year old doesn't run the household-not by a long shot. BUT it is annoying to hear every hour on the hour can I play with so and so. I also don't want to say he's a bad kid because it's not right and I don't want her running back and telling him. I don't want to have problems with the neighbors. I guess a better way to word the question is how can I get her to understand NO MORE playing with that kid AND to keep the relationship with the neighbors cordial. They are the same age and they will be going to the same school and will probably be in the same class. And yes I know my kid is more important than anyone but I have to live here for the next 30 years and I would like for that to be peaceful.
Do not let her play with this kid. You have control and can choose who she plays with. Ask her to choose someone else to play with. At the very least, book up her schedule with other activities so that she doesn't have time to play with this kid. Do it now or you'll regret it. Also, tell her to defend and speak up for herself. Teach her what friendship is all about and how to choose good friends.
She's too young to handle it herself. By all means, please interfere when they are playing. If you don't, you're sending the message that it's okay to treat and be treated in this manner, which it is not.
When she wants to play with him, you can say no. You can also insist that they play in your yard under your supervision. You also have the right to say things like:
"We does use unkind words at our home"
"We share at our home"
"We ask before taking in our home"
Afterall, it is YOUR home, your rules and your child!
I am baffled that you are letting your 5 year old play outside with no supervision with a known mean kid.
I actually ended a friendship partially due to something like this. Sorry, my kid is more important than ANYONE, period.
Would you hang out with someone who mistreated you? Didn't think so.
It's your job to protect your kid & teach her how to choose her friends & stand up for herself. Right now you are not doing that.
Tell her no, she can't play with him. She'll figure it out. If he or his parents get offended, tough.
Okay, your 5 year old is playing with a jerk of a kid outside, while you are inside? She's waaaay to young for that. You need to be out there with her the whole time she is playing outside without parental supervision, especially in this situation.
And also everything Krista and Karen said.
I've had the same kind of problems...and I sat down with our little girl, who is 6, and reminded her of how she should expect others to treat her. I explained that someone who is her REAL friend would not do some of the things that her " so called neighbor friend" was doing. I told her what I expect of her to treat others with kindness and to expect the SAME for herself. I have had the other child in our home and over cookies talked about what we expect from HER as our child's friend. I have let her know that her behavior although acceptable to others IS NOT acceptable to us and that I could not allow her to continue to mistreat my child because I WOULD never allow my child to treat her that way because of how special she is to God. I also went to speak to her mom, we are new to the neighborhood and are here for 4 years and because i didn't want problems I went to the mom. I told her that we are new to the neighborhood and I try not to intervene in childhood shanangans but just as she would not allow anyone to treat her child in a mean manner,I too could not allow it. I tried to make her NOT feel attacked by saying that i realized that alot of it has to do with my child wanting to fit in sooo badly that she doesn't stand up for herself. I half expected an attitude and was willing to deal with what came but instead the mom reminded her daughter of how she felt as the new kid on the block. The child apologized to me and as sweet as she was about it I told her that the apology was not directed to the right person...I was not the one whose feeling were hurt. Later on that day, the little girl came and apologized. The kids don't play that often now...which is fine by me...but they are kind and gracious to each other when they do.....
Hi, rather than tell her she can't play with him, you should sit down with her and have a discussion with her about how to choose friends. This boy lives next door, and its the best thing when there are kids nearby for your kids to play with. However living next door, or nearby should not be the only criteria for them being a suitable friend for your child. Sometimes simply staying away from a child who is mean to you, will make the mean child realize that they won't have any friends if they continue to be mean. If there are no other children around then you may have to have scheduled playdates for awhile till she starts school and makes new friends. This boy is young enough to learn the consequences of his behavior and I am sure he will not always be mean. Good luck.
Is this boy the same age? If he throws her shoes on the roof, he has to go home, immediately. Call his parents to come and get them down. Let him know that if he wants a snack, he needs to go home and he can come back after he has eaten. It's okay to interfere when she is only five (and I was certainly no hover mom - my kids are 12 and 16 now). Teach her that if he is mean to her or calls her bad names, she needs to tell him to go home, that she doesn't want to play with him anymore.
If you look at it from the other kid's point of view you'll see exactly why he loves your house. He's the boss, your daughter lets him get away with bad behavior, and he gets yummy treats whenever he wants. It's a total win for him. While you want your daughter to have friends you need to stand up for her and enforce the rules of your house. When he does something out of line step right in and let him know it's not appropriate at your house. If he continues send him home.
Excellent post, Krista P.!
I agree- you need to get involved or your daughter may end up getting hurt. I would no longer allow them to play unsupervised, at least until the situation gets under control. Sometimes parents do need to interfere and model appropriate behavior so kids know how to treat each other.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Do not let her play with him!!! I assume there are other kids to play with. By allowing her to play with him despite his bad behavior is actually teaching her that is his behavior is acceptable to you and does not have consequences. You are also teaching her that it's okay to allow people to treat her badly. I'm sure you don't want that!!!
She needs to understand that being mean to people is not acceptable, and that being treated badly is not acceptable either.
She's 5 y/o Momma - that is exactly what she needs you to do - stand up for her and show her what a real nice person and friend is supposed to act like. You should take your daughter over to the son's house and discuss with the Mother and son what constitutes as friendly playtime and what does not.
i have a very similar issue, but the "mean kid" is actually my nephew. I don't let my son play with him if i'm not around--that means i actually never ask my sister to babysit for me (which would be super convenient since she lives next door) because I don't trust that my son isn't being bullied by his cousin that he idolizes. I have had to limit the time we spend with them and supervise their play. It has helped, but it's still draining. That really is probably your only option if you want to allow her to keep playing with him--which I know is nice for you because it staves off her boredom.
As her mother you should pick whom she plays with. Kids learn by example and if she's around a rude inconsiderate child she'll start to act such. Find her a new friend that is a better example for her and someone who she's having more fun with.
