I have a very simple question to ask the Moms of teenage girls. Do your daughters speak to you in a tone that is always bordering on "exasperated" or "fed-up"? I have a 13 year old daughter and this is my observation.....she has suddenly started talking to everyone in our house with a "tone". It's all the time. I have seen this before in my older teen daughter who is 16 and after a while I simply sat the older one down and told her that if she doesn't lose the "tone" with me, I will be giving her a "tone" of my own. We had to have several of these chats before the general effect kicked in. Now the younger one has started this stuff with me. I am soooooo over it. Why do they do this and since when do they get the notion that they can? I feel like anything I ask her to do or talk to her about is annoying to her. Like a huge fly in the ointment of her life. I beg to differ. I am quite the contrary. I am helpful, supportive, and a great mother. I also have rules and consequences for bad choices or less than stellar behavior so this "tone" is not going to work with me and I've had enough. Last night, she did it again and I literally just stopped her dead in her tracks and said, “There will be no more talking to me in a tone of voice that makes me feel like an annoyance or constant irritant to you. I have done nothing to “bother” you except love, support, and take care of you so you’ll need to drop the exasperating tone immediately or I’ll start really annoying you by punishing you for it each and every time!” I don’t deserve it and I let her know. She shaped up right away but knowing how this works, the “tone” will be back in action in no time. I am sure other parents go through this situation too. What are your thoughts on the subject and do you support me in correcting the tone when I hear it making its way back into conversations? I have tried ignoring the “tone” and this does NOT work, at least not with my teen girls. Ignoring it also escalated the behavior with my older daughter until we had a little “Meeting of the Minds” about it years ago and I told the older one to stop it once and for all. Any other methods that work well that I can throw into my bag of Teen Tricks?
WOW!! I am so thankful that I came to Mampedia with this question and that I got so lucky as to have many Moms across the country help me stand my ground and also give me great ideas and support for this "Teenage Tone" that seems to come out of my 13 year old. Funny as it is, she did it moments ago before leaving for school and right infront of her friend, no less. I took all the advice that you guys gave me and I had an awesome "comeback" waiting for when the "tone" appeared. Her and her friend were looking through a clothing catalog and when I simply mentioned that I had bought those exact denim shorts for her, the ones she had on her body, she copped a "tone" and told me ...NO, these are different. They're not different. I would know because I bought four pairs of them for her three days ago at the same store! She continued the “tone” in front of her friend at which point I turned around and said, “You know what, if you don’t lose the tone in your voice as you speak to me, the next thing you’re going to lose is the shorts off your body because I basically own those and I’m not putting clothes on teenage “tone” givers.” “Shape up the mouth or I’ll ship you right out of those shorts right here.” OH BOY! The friend was trying not to laugh because what I said was funny and she knew it. My daughter was probably cussing me out in her head at the moment, so I threw in a crafty suggestion from one of the Moms here and ended the conversation with….”And don’t start cussing me out in your head because I took Teenage Mindreading 101 in college and I believe I got an A+ in the class!” Slam Dunk. The tone shifted right quick and so did her little legs….right to the door to go walk to the bus stop with her friend. I think she got my drift. It’s one thing when you have a tone with me in private but if you think I’m going to take it with a friend on the sidelines….think again, sister! You guys ROCK! This was some of the best advice and support I have ever gotten. I love my teen daughter and I am going to count the days until she outgrows this behavior. Until then…..thanks for empowering a good mom. It’s awesome!
It's hormonal. Don't you recall "knowing everything" and wanting to experience sex at that age? She can be tested via saliva or blood. Dr. Marianne Beck in N Broward is well credentialed for this "right of passage".
I do not have girl but boys start this at about 10 and it has not stopped yet even with several conversations and punishments. My husband yesterday had to adjust the "tone" several times and still I know it will happen again today. Good luck and I hope to find a solution too.
This is such a hard time, for them and us!! I HATE when my 13 yr. old daughter gets attitude (which somedays seems like 24/7). But picking battles is a must, because at this age there are ususally a lot of them.
I always do a "quick assessment" when I am having an issue with her. (is she tired, pms, fight with friends etc) Then I decide how I am going to handle it. Sometimes I throw humor into the situation. Once I was correcting her for something and she had this nasty look on her face and I said, "don't you swear at me in your mind". She burst out laughing and almost choked on her spit, which of course caused me to start laughing. Thus, her nasty mood ended and we got on with our talk.
Sometimes I stop correcting her and ask her to sit down. I take her side for a minute. Like if attitude is over chores I would say, " I know you would rather be on FB or texting your friends, but I need your help for a few minutes. Please do -------. I appreciate it!" Usually she will finish the chores without attitdue.
Now if I feel like she is having a bad day, I will come out and ask her what is upsetting her. Even if she doesn't want to tell me I will tell her if she changes her mind I am here to listen.
We have to remember that when we are upset or tired or stressed, we don't always use a very nice tone with our children. That might be where they learn some of it from. I try to remember this and if I am in a nasty mood myself, I pre warn my children and appologize in advance!
If we lose a relationship with our kids at this age, it will be very hard to get it back as they get older and need us more.
Now, if the attitude goes above and beyond and turns into yelling or swearing (which we have not gone through) there would be some serious punishment like loss of phone, computer, tv, radio , the whole nine yards. But, for the little stuff, a little understanding and calm words to help them get back on the right track works a lot better.
I know. In my opinion 13 is a really rough age, but you already know this is so normal. They are trying soooo hard to be their own individual and think for themselves. Somehow anything to do with Mom makes them feel they are still babies, and that is the last thing they want. Remember that feeling of not being able to wait until you are all grown up!?
I still think ignore when you can. It's a pick your battles thing and you will be fighting all day long if you don't. But you can also use a little Love and Logic when the conversation requires a response from you.
"Your tone makes me not want to listen to you. I will be glad to listen to what you have to say when you speak to me the way I am speaking to you." If she refuses then walk out of the room, and if she follows you DO do your best to ignore her. Fight having a tone of your own.......anger or sarcasm. Model what you want.
Best of Luck, and be glad she is going through this NOW. My eldest was horrible at 13, but my youngest did none of this......slow to mature. He is a freshman in college and has a tone and 1/2. Ach!!!
We all did this as teens? Why? I can't figure it out..
Anyway when that tone would show up, I went back to treating it like whining.
"I need to hear your regular voice. "
"I do not understand what you are saying with that voice"
"Go to your room and find your regular voice."
Last resort, I would speak back to her using that voice..
I'll be watching this spot to add to my "bag of Teen Tricks", too! Just thought I'd share, my 13yr old recently said something in "the tone" (definitely pms in her case, because otherwise she's a joy to be around) and I stopped for a moment and said, "I remember when I was your age, Every Single Thing my mother did irritated me to no end, even when I knew it shouldn't."
I won't say there were actual tears in her eyes, but the relief felt was nearly tangible. She almost leaned in for a hug.
(I didn't tell her that everything my mother does often *still* irritates me. ;-) My goal in life is to have a different relationship with my daughter so that when she's 30-40, I'm not still irritating her! lol)
I am finding that my 11 year old son is giving me the "Tone" also. I am with you on nipping it the bud. As I had to rock my sons world this week end when I simply asked him to do something. I let him no under no uncertain terms is he to speak to me that way again, as your world as you know it will end. This means everything he loves to do will be taken away a week at a time. I think following through is the key. I do follow through will my punishments. I am fed up with the "tone" as you are. I found that in public he was treating me the same way. I do not understand why because I am not afraid to handle him right in front of everyone. I am a supportive mom and I love him dearly. I am a good mother like you. So I 100% support you in nipping the "tone'!!!!
I don't have a teenage girl anymore, she just turned 20. I just want to say that you ROCK!!!! I think you are right on target.
Good Luck!!
I don't have teenagers yet, though I'll have 4 at once in about 12.5 years!!!
Just wanted to say that I think you have done a great job with it already, and that it's nothing personal against you!! You don't "deserve" to be spoken to that way, or treated poorly because of what kind of mother you are. Teens don't do this because of what YOU'RE doing; it's a normal part of their development. I'm sure you are a wonderful mom, and I agree that you should not allow this, and nip it in the bud.
Hang in there, and try not to take her behavior personally. Just keep on doing what you're doing, and she'll soon get the picture. I imagine she'll feel bad about this in a few years, or at least when she becomes a mother herself!! :)
Like you mentioned in one part you need to get a tone of your own. Take things away when she talks like she shouldn't for example, cell phone, television, computer...Watch how fast she changes her tone when she finds out that she will lose these things if she doesn't...It will work...
Some moms have probably already suggested this, but when your child speaks to you that way, just turn and walk away and say that you will not speak to them while they use that tone of voice because it is disrespectful...it has worked with mine
My line is:
You don't talk to me the way you talk to your friends. I am your mother. You will treat me with respect. If you don't, there will be consequences.
All it takes is once... take something important away - like spending time with friends or a sleepover...
YMMV
LBC
I have a 13 year old daughter too and I can totally relate to what you are saying! I'm sure I had the "tone" too when I was that age but I just don't remember.
I have found that ignoring it doesn't help, just as you mentioned. It doesn't seem to help to come back with a lot of authority either ("I absolutely will not tolerate that tone of voice"... etc.) What I'm trying is to keep the attitude as light as possible and incorporate humor into the situation if I can. I guess basically trying to stay somewhere in the middle between ignoring it and really coming down on her for her attitude.
I try to let her know that I love her each day and I try to do something special with her regularly (although when the "tone" pops up I don't always feel like it!) I'm trying to keep in mind that soon she'll be in her 20's and I want to keep the communication open now and try to make some special memories with her while I can.
I'm going to be interested to see other posts on this because I can use the advice too!!!
God Bless,
A.
Keep loving her and hang in there. Every teen is different and you need to do whatever works for your teen.
My oldest daughter got the tone at 17 and it stayed until she was about 22, and nothing worked. Daughter #2 hardly ever had it, so I knew she really was irritated with me when she did. Daughter #3 got it for a short while, I ignored it and it went away, around the age of 13. Daughter #4 is only 6, so we shall see.
I did maintain with all of them, when they got that "tone", they never got what they were seeking if they were asking for something (I would die first), I did request that they rephrase whatever they said with some respect or spend the remainder of the day in their room, and that "tone" excluded them from any fun outings or activities as I didn't need to be treated badly when treating them to something nice.
I so understand and will be reading the rest of the comments to see if there are anymore ideas out there. I myself have stated that it is not ok, but to no avail. So I start a "NO" board. This is for every time she makes a tone that is saying I am annoying her or she is not happy with me asking her for something, I make a mark on the board. When she gets to 5 marks, the next "event" she is going to during the week is canceled. (ie: church on Wednesday, karate classes, going to a friends' house, etc.) She got the first one quick but the others have slowed drastically since we started this 2 weeks ago. But I also told her that after she gets to five, the number of times it takes to get a "NO" is down to four after that and then 3, etc. So far it is working much better. I also use the same board to add if she talks to me in a disrespectful way for any other thing related to this.
Thanks for posting though, because it is nice to know my daughter is not the only one.
I feel your pain. How I acted/sounded with my own mom is coming back to me in spades. I ususally ignore the tone or I say something along the lines of, "I'll talk to you later when you can be respectful. Otherwise - you can go to your room." My daughter knows that if she misses chores, she'll get things taken away, so she usually changes her tone or simmers down fairly quickly. Sometimes she goes into full drama mode and screams at me, which again gets her sent to her room to get calm.
I'll take the eyerolling and sighs, as long as they aren't while I'm talking directly to her. But if she's doing her chores and all heavy sighs, I do ignore it and try not to laugh.
As the saying goes, this too shall pass. But not soon enough! I just take lots of deep breaths and try not to take it too personally.
Good luck!
I'm so glad to know there are so many others with these creatures in the house. I love them dearly but sometimes.
I usually regress right down to her level and spit the same tone back at her. I know, very mature and I am teaching her great communication skills. *major sarcasm*
I have found getting in her face and saying something like that tone is not acceptable and you are beign rude. I will not tolerate it, change it of go to your room.
We haven't had to take any electronics away, yet. I fear it's coming though.
My first never did it but you just described my almost 16 yr old! Both girls like yourself. Correct/punish, there is no reason for it.
