Terrible 3'S? - Oceanside,CA

Updated on March 06, 2009
J.L. asks from Oceanside, CA
18 answers

My son has recently starting hitting. The little boy across the street that he plays with often, often hits him. It seems that is where it all started. But now I am facing an almost 3yr old who is starting to hit his other friends, his nanny as well as his mom and dad. It seems to happen mostly when he is frustrated, but sometimes totally out of the blue. He will often say he is a bad boy because he hit someone. (So I know he knows it is wrong)...But how do I get him to stop, or how do I discipline him.? Time out doesn't seem to work with him, (he enjoys timeout). I usually send him to his room and that works for the moment, but its not ceasing his bad behavior. What is everyone else doing to stop this behavior?

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M.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

J., You can start by taking away his favorite toy/s and put them out of sight and tell him when he stops his bad behavior he can have them back. Personally, I would not let him play with the kid across the street anymore, if that is where you think it started. You all have to be on the same page with disclipline, nanny and dad. You all have to agree on the same thing and then be consistent.

Good Luck!
M.

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D.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

J.,

Wow! I just saw this happen with my friend's little girl and it was really just because she had learned the behavior from someone else.

Make sure, like other posters said, that he knows and understands his feelings as they are happening and cand ID them. I've been trying to teach my son how to tell me what he's feeling, so now he's gotten to the point where he can tell me when he's sad and happy...we're working on mad and frustrated.

Explain/Talk to him about the other kids behavior and how it isn't okay and why it isn't okay. Try telling him it's okay to be frustrated, but hitting isn't okay and then try redirecting him by explaining what is okay to do when he's frustrated.

My friend has a pillow she lets her son scream into, but I go for the lets sit down and be calm for a few minutes and then talk with my son about how he's feeling and what we can do together next time.

I hope that helps a bit.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Ditto Julia M.

Now, my suggestion is, and what me & Hubby do with our kids is: instead of trying to 'cease' his behavior... why don't you just try and teach him coping skills and OTHER ways to "problem solve" situations? Coach him on it...

If that boy hits him, your son is probably hitting him back, as a reaction and to defend himself. In a little child's mind.. it makes sense. Cause and effect. And, now your son gets frustrated and hits others. He knows its not 'good' but little children this age still do not have great 'impulse control' thus they make mistakes. It's okay.

No, time outs don't work for some. And, I believe instead of punishing him this way... talk with him about it... bring up scenarios and HOW he can handle it and problem solve it. Even act it out with him. That is what we do with our kids.

For example: your Hubby can be the boy... and you be another friend. Your Hubby can pretend to 'hit' him & be sassy (as some kids are)... and then ask your son "What can you do different? What can you do to stop him... what can you do if you don't like it?" etc. The answers would be, for example: he can walk away from it, he can tell the boy to stop it, he can tell his Mom, he can tell the Teacher, he can use his VOICE in a stern way, he can go and simply play with someone else, he can CHOOSE another friend etc. ALSO, some kids need help on what to say, in reaction to something. For example, my daughter will tell me about her day at school, and if a girl was sassy & cocky to her or exclusionary, my daughter will tell me.... then, knowing my 'cue' to open up with her, I'll ask her "hmmm... what do you think you can tell her when she's being mean to you?" Many times my girl has good ideas... but sometimes she will say "I don't know..." and so I will give her simple ways to actually SAY something in return. For example: "you can tell Sally stop it that is rude." or, "Friends don't treat each other that way..." or, "If you don't stop, I will tell the Teacher..." So, I always give my girl a variety of different ways to problem-solve something and then how to communicate it. And, it has now become something she really looks forward to, with her telling me about 'icky' things that happen at school and her picking my brain about it to see 'how' it can be handled. I did this with her from about 2+ years old... and now that she is 6 years old, she is really articulate, confident and is really wise at discerning other people for better or for worse. It's a good 'skill' to teach them... and it channels their 'frustrations' in another more positive direction.

So, you are "teaching" a child how to solve problem, how to circumvent physical trouble, how to use his voice and inform an adult about "wrong" behavior, how to decide what is wrong & right....and that no matter what, that he can come to his parent for anything, good or bad, and that he can ask his Parents for HELP and guidance. Not just for punishment.
THAT will teach and lay a solid foundation in a child... for later as well. TEACHING them how to problem solve and how to 'cope' with problems.

I believe, that this is what your son can benefit from. All kids this age hit or what not... but the trick is to teach them HOW to handle it, HOW to problem solve, HOW to discern situations, HOW to report it to an adult/teacher/their parent, HOW to use their voice etc. It will also give them confidence.

THIS is a good boy you have. He's just going through growing pains. He's normal. It's not easy for him either. BUT, teach him now... a child needs 'coaching' from their Parent... not just punishment/scolding at any infraction they do. Sometimes they are just plain confused about what to do. So we have to show them 'how.'

All the best,
Susan

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

J., Please tell your son he is not a "bad boy"; that he is making a bad choice. I am sure you have spoken to him about the way he treats his friends (and parents & nanny). Remind him that when he is thinking about hitting someone, making the choice to hit someone (and he is making that choice), he can make the choice NOT to hit that person, and instead use his words. Practice with him, helping him find different words for the different situations. It will take a little time, and that's ok. You are changing a behavior, a habit, and that takes some time. It sounds as though he has outgrown time-outs - great, teach him to stay there and deal with the situation. Let him know what to do when his other friend hits him - what to do instead of hitting back. With your son present, talk with the other little boy and let him know how your son expects to be treated. Also give him the opportunity to use his words, teach him the words to use; both boys will benefit. I have an at-home preschool and the children here have responded extrememly well when I just talk to them and let them know what is acceptable and what is not, and when I help them talk out their situation instead of going off in a huff. We always resolve it. It's great that the behavior they practice here each day with me, is changing their behavior at home. A book I love and share with all my families is: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. Hokey name, but fantastic advice. It is a fast read, and it gives you real situations that real parents have experienced, along with what worked for them & what didn't (every situaion is different, and not every solution works everytime). It gives you several ideas for a variety of situations. Be patient with yourself and your son, and praise your son when he chooses not to hit. Peace, B.

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H.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

oh my gosh...i went through it with my son at 3 also!!! he would not stop!!!! i tried all the "discipline" stuff i could think of (i work as a behavior specialist!!!). this is what worked - i swear!!! my son had just started liking playing some educational games on the computer and just typing. i rewarded him every day that he did not hit. the first couple days was miserable coz when he realized he'd lost the computer, he'd hit more, but then....miraculously he didn't hit anymore. i think he went back to it once or twice, but the reward really worked! i've tried to keep that in mind ever since. for my kid, holding back a favorite thing so he can earn it really helps rather than taking away. good luck and i promise he'll grow out of it. oh and i started him in karate at 4...that helped a lot too!

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N.I.

answers from Honolulu on

If timeouts are enjoyable to him, then another form of discipline is needed. What about taking away tv time or his favorite toys? And maybe its better that he doesn't play with his neighbor and if he does it should be supervised at all times. What are the parents of the neighbor doing with their child when he hits other kids? Sounds like a tot bully to me.

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F.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have a three year old with the same problem. I suggest giving him something else to hit when he wants to. Is he hitting out of frustration? Try validating his feelings and let him know he can hit his bed or stuffed animals but that it's not alright to hit people because it hurts. Be careful labeling him as a bad boy when he does something undesirable. He is not bad, but hitting people is. Be sure to clarify that. Best Wishes!

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have no magic advice. If I did my son wouldn't have had the same problem for as long as he did.
The one thing I want to add is to encourage him to tattle! When a child isn't sharing or when someone makes him mad, tell him to tattle and not handle it himself.
By telling someone, even if he tells your husband about you or vice versa it gets him out of the moment and he can calm down. It also allows you to understand if there are specific things that set him off.

Make sure all the adults around him understand that they have to pay attention to anything he tells them, especially any friends parents who might not want to hear from him 15,000 times during a play date. Just one mom who told my son to "go work it out" was enough to stop him from talking and start him hitting again. It took quite a while to convince him to trust adults to help him. It did eventually work and he still gets frustrated but he keeps under control.
Good Luck.

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A.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

I normaly dont aprove of spanking but do you think if you turned him over and gave him a swat on his bottom it would help him not to hit . Its just a thought you dont want toraise a bully good luck A. o no. Hills mother of 4 dults and 7 grandchildren

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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

We need to be careful of what kids watch on TV too. I saw an article yesterday that claims that tv doesn't teach toddlers and young children. Bologna! Kids who watch shows with hitting and fighting, even if they are cartoon type shows, practice the moves and hit. They play fight and actually hit others. TV is desensitizing our youths to violence nd parents must be vigilent about screening what is watched.

Your little guy should not be allowed to play with the boy across the street until that child stops hitting. Tell him, he taught you to hit others, so you may not play with him anymore until you both stop hitting.

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.:
Who ever is referring to your son as a "BAD BOY" needs to stop.Wether its his parents, nanny, Grandparents or his buddy.They have labeled him,and now he does it,simply for the attention,and recognition.Your 3 year old is not BAD. He's a normal healthy boy.You need to begin giving him recognition and praise for ALL the GOOD things he does,He needs positive feedback.All the time outs in the world aren't going to teach him, or help him to realize,that he really is a GOOD BOY,who just doesn't know quite how to get the type of attention he really yearns for. Back off a little,and try not to emphasize the bad. He will soon learn how much nicer it is to be considered GOOD. I wish you and your darlin son the best. J. M

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M.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

I've said many times that if books were written about 3 year olds people just wouldn't have kids. The terrible twos are nothing compared to what you get with 3 year olds. I've heard it caalled "the first adolescence". The biggest problem is that technically they are still toddlers, although they have complete control of the language they still do not have complete impulse control. It takes a great deal of patience to teach what is and is not acceptable behavior, and about concequences. If you threaten a concequence you absolutely need to follow through. There are no bad kids, only bad behavior. Do not allow anyone to label your child as bad.

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E.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

I have a friend who's son was a HUGE hitter! She said that the only thing that worked for her son was taking things away! If he has a toy or is doing something that he enjoys, you remove that option and object! She said that that was the only thing to get through to him!
The other thing too J. is that it seems to me that the kid across the street shouldn't be allowed to play with your son! We are who our friends are and that is definitely true with little kids, they do what they see! I know it will be tough but that just is not acceptable behavior! Good Luck J.!
E.

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M.Z.

answers from Reno on

With my kids the 1st time they hit they get scolded, if they do it again, they lose a favorite toy, 3rd time they get time out in an empty corner. (I use the entry way since there are no toys and only blank walls, nothing to entertain them) I haven't gone further then that, they all listen by that point. I think in part it is a stage, but if he keeps playing with the little boy who hits he'll see nothing wrong with it. Why should he think it's wrong if someone else keeps doing it? Have patience, it can take a while.

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K.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Totally normal behavior. Both of my boys did it and they eventually outgrew it. I would love to say that I had some magical trick that worked brillantly but unfortunately it just takes time and consistency with discipline. Be careful, not to ever say your child is a "bad boy". I can understand wanting to but that could be damaging to him in the long run. The behavior is bad but he is not bad. So, next time he hits, squat down to his level and in a very firm voice you tell him "That is totally unacceptable behavior and we don't hit people". If he is out somewhere like the park, he will have to sit on the bench for three minutes. Make him apologize to the person he hit and tell him you will leave the park the next time he does it. If he does it again at the park then you go home. You have to be prepared to do this several times...I did. If the hitting happens at home, same procedure but have a different spot other than his room for time-out. Of course he loves being sent to his room with all the toys. Have a naughty corner or somewhere where you can easily spot him but there is nothing stimulating around. Good luck and don't give up on stopping this behavior or time-out. Time-out just takes practice and consistency. Make sure to do EVERY step and make sure he has nothing in his hands or that you don't talk to him while he is in tim-out. Set a timer if you have to. Don't let him talk his way out of time-out early. Good luck! Oh, I have read the responses below and think they are all good but young three's don't seem to totally get the taking away of the toy. That didn't seem to work for us until age 4-5.

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D.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

my son started hitting and biting when he was playing w/ his little friend who is a year older and basically taught him that..they just get it from other kids and then keep at it..SO..i bought this book set "Hands Are Not For Hitting" Teeth Are Not For Biting" and "I Can Share" i read them to him a lot..and i kept him from playing with his little hitting buddies for awhile...
now when we're out and he gets a little wild i'll say "hands are not for hitting" and he stops..like today we were at the museum ..in the shop..and he was looking at some rocks..a little girl came up and she too wanted to look at the rocks..
my son did the "no it's mine" thing..and then i said.."share...can u share?" and he handed her a rock and played nicely with her..
it's their first gut toddler reaction..then u quote the books and remind them and they remember..
i also throw in.."can u be a gentleman and share?" i did that at the park when a little girl wanted to ride the seesaw..my son got right off..helped her on and helped her go up and down b/c she didn't know how...it is from the books ..i swear..
all the moms were in awe when they saw him do that..he'll be 3 on saturday.

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

Since timeouts don't work, then you must start taking his favorite things away from him. Don't give it back until you feel he has earned it back. My sister uses this method, because timeouts didn't work for her son either. It works like a charm now, and all she has to do is threaten to take his action figures away, and he does whatever my sister tells him. The only reason why this method works is because she followed through with the punishments from the beginning and made him earn them back. He knows that she means business. I use this method with my 22 month old and will take her binky away when she is not listening. If she does not have a binky in her mouth at that time, I will go get one and show her that I have it. She usually wants it after seeing it. Then I tell her what she did wrong, and tell her to say sorry. I'll say, "tell mommy you are sorry for hitting." She'll say sorry and give me a hug. (I love that part!!) Hope this helps!
Good luck.

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D.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.,
I can totally relate to you as I have a 3 year old myself as well as two older boys. I have found that holding their hands when they hit and telling them that they cant have their hands back as long as they are going to use them to hurt people worked great for all 3 of my children.
When they hit me, or anyone else, I would just grab hold of both of their hands and hold them there. Of course they are going to fight you and try to pull away, but I would just hold onto them. Usually for a minute or so. It takes a little bit of time, but consistency is key. They HATE being held onto when theyre upset.

Good luck,

D.

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