Temper Temper

Dear A.,

Please, please, run, do not walk, to the nearest Doctor and ask for a referral to a pediatric counselor. For Goodness Sake!, take advantage of being a citizen of this world in the year 2007. You also need to join a Mother's, or Parent's Support Group. This is a huge problem, and you do not have to reinvent the wheel, many other parents have faced this problem. You can get a handle on it, but you need guidance and support. Remember, RUN, DO NOT WALK.
Good Luck, C. N. I am serious.

I know my son has outbursts like that and the biggest thing is to make sure he can't hurt himself. I can't talk to my son when he is like that because he is past the point of talking. Once he settles down I try to talk about what happened, the trigger points, and then proper ways to handle his anger. Keep it up. Also I learned with my son (he is diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome) that we use a reward chart. It helps them identify ways to "earn" treats. (Not food but anything that he is interested in) if you want me to explain further let me know. Good luck.

My husband is also military, (Coast Guard, alameda) and he is gone and then home and then gone again too. I also have a five year old (girl) she can throw the worst temper tantrums. she was also touchy as a baby but it was always manageable too. I think it was becuase her father was gone, and as she learned more vocabulary she could think about it more. I took a child developement class and this is what I learned, it helped a lot.:
Kids often blame themselves for problems in thier world (like daddy leaving) and they won't tell you whats wrong becuase they don't want you to know daddy left becuase of them. so they act out. After I learned this I started putting a name to my duaghters emotion everytime she acted out. i.e. "your angery becuase daddy is gone, but it's not your fault, and he will be back again, It is O.K. to be angery. It is not O.K. to hit. or kick." Now when she starts to lose it she growls and says I'm angery, or I'm frusterated, or I am sad. When they don't have the words to express themselves they get frusterated and act out. try this, and see if it works. I also understand your frusteration. when my coastie is gone my daughter hurts too and I want to make it better but only daddy can do that and us moms are helpless to ease our poor childrens pain. and it is very hard to be both nurturer, and diciplinarian in the same parent.

There is a couple of things you can do. First when he starts do get mad about something get down to his level hold his hands and tell him to breath. and show him how do. Tell him something like take deep breaths in and out. And then talk to him about what happened. Another you can do which people might not aggree with is give him an appropriate thing to punch that he cant hurt or it wont hurt him like a pillow or a punching bag. It's a suggestion if those dont work they actually have classes for kids his age to go to help them deal with their anger. hope this helps

My daughter has had problems like this and for years we couldn't figure out what to do about it. She started to grow out of it, but not completely. I read a book that I would highly recommend to you, it has been really helpful. It is: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. Mackenzie. I know it is hard to do this with your husband gone--it can be overwhelming and discouraging. Take heart and draw support from those around you. Soemtimes you can get to the root of the problem by spending some one-on-one time with your son. Please let me know if you need any help--we're kind of in the same boat!

Being angry is a natural feeling for everyone. The important part is what we do with the anger, whether we bottle it up and then have out bursts or take it out on people we care about because we know they love us. Let your son know it's ok to be frustrated and angry sometimes but there are appropriate ways to get your anger and frustrations out. Teach him healthy ways to relieve his anger. Perhaps the popcorn pop (have him stand on 2 feet and scrunch down as low as he can go and then POP with all his might up to a standing position.) Have him count to five and take five deep calming breaths. Have him take his frustrations out by running in place for a few minutes or banging on a drum or something like that.
Ask him what he thinks a good way for him to relieve his frustrations in a healthy non hurtful, nondestructive way and provide him a couple of options. After he has picked out a few create a signal word that you can say to him in a calm and relaxed tone when you see him getting frustrated and angry that lets him know its time to get his angry feelings out before he blows up.
Everytime he gets angry try to pinpoint why he is feeling that way and point it out to him so he can learn how to identify what makes him angry and better deal with it before it becomes an out burst. Say something like, "It's ok to be angry that we can't go to the park today, I'm feeling upset by it too, it would have been nice to get out to play." Or "I know that its hard when dad's not around and I miss him too, we all love him and it's ok to feel angry that he has to be gone but Daddy loves you and he will be back when he can"

Good luck!

I'm right there with you, except my son is only 3 1/2. With my son Andrew, sometimes what I'll do is pick him up in the midst of his little meltdown and just cuddle him. Pretty soon he calms down and I can talk to him. It doesn't always work, but I've learned that if I get angry at him while he's that angry it just escalates more and more. When I read your request I could totally empathize.

Hi
This is only an opinion.
In a way I understand you feel like you are all along raising your kids. Perhaps he miss his dad and he does not know what to react to that yet. It may be a good idea to get him distracted and keep him ocupied on an scheduled he can follow.
I have 5 year old and I am a single mother not by choice, but is not easy to raise the kids by your self when the father is not there. Even do your kids and mine have contact with their father is not enough, my child was very outgoing and when he left the house she was very afraid and did not want to talk to anybody. I talk to a therapist and she recomended me to keep her busy and distracted, so I ask her about getting a puppy she said yes,but if you are going to give her something do not take it away later. I got her a puppy and she concentrate in taking care the puppy, she felt wanted and she turn her love in to this creature that help her deal with the situation much easier.
Good Luck, Real Estate Mom

I think it's normal to go thru this stage because young children don't know any other way to express their anger. Children have to be taught this skill. I agree with both of Kimberley's suggestions.

I would like to emphasize being aware of what causes the anger to build up, such as being tired or hungry or having too much stimulation or of several things going wrong from his perspective. And then "fixing" those things, if possible, before the tantrum begins. Besides being sure that he's had enough sleep and enough to eat you can sit with him quietly and perhaps read or watch a video to help him calm himself. Eventually he will do those things with a reminder at first and then on his own.

And to also notice what triggers the anger and trying a different approach. My 3 yo grandson gets extremely angry, yelling, hitting and kicking when his 6 yo sister takes away a toy. I've shown her how to ask to trade a toy. She does this sometimes but usually she is expressing her own anger by taking away a toy. Both of my grandchildren are jealous of the other which creates a lot of anger. When I'm there I sometimes separate the two by having each one sit on either side of me and watching a short video. This calms them down and diverts their attention. Other times I actively get one of them distracted into doing something else.

When my grandson isn't able to stop hitting and kicking when I step in, I do a specific hold taught to me by a therapist. It's a fancy name for sitting down with him while I hold his arms and cross my legs over his legs and tell him I'll let go when he's able to calm down. This increases his anger at first and then he'll start to cry and I let go of him even if he's still struggling because the tears, in my experience, indicate to me that he's thru with the kicking and hitting. If I've misjudged I hold him again. It's not easy but it does show him that I will not let him continue hurting someone. If I don't hold him in that manner he continues to hit and kick me.

Just as often, once I intervene by separating the two kids, he runs to another room and cries. I've learned to leave him alone until he calms down. If I walk into the room he usually tries to hit or kick me again. The crying releases the angry energy which is driving him.

When my granddaughter was throwing temper tantrums I sat down a few feet from her and waited. In a short time she would crawl into my lap and cry. Each kid is different and we have to experiement until we find something that works.

In summary, when he's angry I first try to redirect his energy. Hitting a pillow or punch bag might help. Or giving him some personal attention such as sitting down with him to do something quietly. If that doesn't work I hold him

Also he doesn't get angry as often if I'm able to give him choices instead of only saying no. "You can put your shoes on or let me" sort of thing. And I try not to ask him too quickly to change what he's doing. When I know he's tired I put my arms around him and tell him it's time to do such and such and give him time to "get the idea."

Now, usually when I'm with my grandchildren I only have responsibility for them. As a mother, who has a zillion other things to do you probably can't do this all the time and maybe not at all.
But maybe this will give you an idea of something that will work for you.

And I think some of this is just containing the anger and not helping him learn another way of expressing it.

I talked often with my granddaughter about how she felt. Most conversations were indirect. I'd pick up on something she said and add some "philosphy" to it. This only worked when she wanted to talk. She's very verbal and so this seems to be working. I think the opportunity for her to verbalize feelings by talking about what is of concern to her helps her to lessen the angry feelings. She does not necessarily say how she felt tho that helps too.

I also verbalize for both of my grandchildren how I think they are feeling early in our interaction. ie; you must be angry. I would be angry if that happened to me. Or I know you're angry but we still have to do such and such and give them some time to regain control. Compassion works much better than irritation or even anger in return.

My grandson is not verbal at all. He's getting speech therapy and may need professional help with his behavior. I think not being able to talk is part of his anger. But my granddaughter is learning verbal ways of dealing with her anger and rarely hits or kicks. When she does it is with her brother. Her way of showing anger is to not do as requested, to rebel. That requires a different set of skills from me.

I get frustrated and angry with their behavior. I have an easier time staying calm since I've been able to really believe that I've not been a poor mother and grandmother; that this is not my fault. I told myself that it wasn't my faulth and that I didn't cause this with my daughter but when I was honest with myself I didn't really believe that. It's just been in the last year that I realized that I was OK and they will be too. Relaxing about feeling so much responsibility has helped me do a better job.

Try having him draw what he feels. He may not be able to tell you how he feels if he does not have the words to express his feelings (happy,angry,sad). Are there any other changes going on ih your household? That may cause him to be angry too.

I feel your pain girlfriend! My 6 1/2 son is at the tail end of this, although he still is a poop whenever he gets an answer he doesn't like. In our house, the rule is - you can tell me how you're feeling but you may not be destructive or hurt anyone. I did a lot of 'yeah, I know you're mad at me because I won't let you watch tv. I'd be disappointed too'. So a lot of identifying with him. But man oh man there were times when I wanted to have a kicking screaming tantrum right along with him! Eventually he's learning other words and less violent ways of dealing with his emotions. I hold firm to my rule above. I don't even get upset anymore when I hear "I hate you!' although I do say that it hurts my feelings. I found that if I lost my temper then we had two people on a rampage so I've learned to pretty much ignore most of it and only jump when they cross the line. Hope this helps.
M.

Well if you ever want to just chat or get together and have a cup of coffee or something we could do that. I dont know of anything that I could tell you about Ethan that I am sure you havent already heard. But if you need someone to just listen I can do that for you.

I too have a son Ethan that is 2 and does very similar things the only thing that I know that works with him, I know that he is only 2, but I will send him to his room and put him on his bed and tell him he can't get up till he's done having his fit, usually he falls to sleep before he gets up, but if he does get up I put him right back until he is done. My 7 year old did the samething until about a year ago. What made him calm down was I told him that he couldn't get up till he took a nap and that's when he stopped cause he didn't want to take naps all day.

I would recommend trying therapy to help him deal with whatever struggles he's going through that makes him feel these outbursts are an appropriate way to show his feelings.
It sounds like he might feel isolated, since you have no close family and no friends with children. Five is a difficult age - they are really starting to figure out their own identity and discover what independence means.
Does it happen most often when his father is gone for work? When he's home? Are there patterns?

A.,

I am going though this with my 7 year old. This seems to be a normal process for a lot of boys. Here is what I am doing. Really stay on him and watch when he pitches the fits. I found that my son is worse when he is over tired. If that is the case then make him go to bed or take a nap. When you see it start up tell him to stop, take a deep breath and then count to 10 and do it with him.

If it is a tantrum then I discipline my son. I ask him if he wants to get under control or would he like me to do it for him. I put him in a corner or a chair until he calms down. Make sure you can see him but he can't see you. He will scream his head of but you need to stay strong.

Hope this helps.

L.
Nutritionist
www.herbalmom.com