Temper Tantrum - Burke,VA

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I think it is important for kids to make decisions about their behaviors. With my kids, when they decided to scream or cry because things were not going their way, I would send them to their rooms and close the door. I say calmly that I don't like that sound and it doesn't get you anywhere, so why not go to your room until you are ready to come out and talk nicely about it, or until you are ready to accept what is going on and have some fun with us.

It works really well. They have to decide that it is not worth it to be stuck in the room alone. they calm down and come out when they are ready, and since the decision is theirs the behavior is not repeated. If it does repeat, you put her back in and start over. I do not check up on them because in the early days it would result in their tantrum having an audience, which does make it worse. I am comfortable leaving them there for as long as it takes. It might take hours the first time, but after that she'll get it. If she is particularly strong willed, it might take a really long time. Be patient. She has to know that you mean it, but welcome her when she is ready.

My son has, a couple times, needed some coaching on how to calm down, needed help with deep breaths or a glass of water and we handle that with patience and love. Now he has learned to not get hysterical and he can calm himself down.

My dd would go to her room when I told her to, my ds has to be taken to his room (we practice not displaying any anger, just being matter-of-fact about it.) They know what is coming if they start crying and my oldest doesn't go there any more. The younger one (3 yo) will stop crying immediately when I ask if he needs to go to his room and calm down, and when he is reminded to use his words he will do so.

Good luck to you

So much information is missing – most importantly, how old is she?

This sounds more like fear than anger. Many kids go through a stage of anxiety about being separated from their parents. For almost all of these kids, their fears can be settled by cheerful calm on the part of the caretaker.

I've broken through that sound barrier with a few kids I've watched by putting myself in the room with them, staying calm and playing with interesting things.

Sometimes it helps to occasionally acknowledge them and say kind and friendly things to them. Often it's just better to just play and have a pleasant time in their presence. Eventually their curiosity overcomes the fear. They become more used to your presence and see that you don't intend to harm them.

This whole process may need repeating every day for a week or a month. But it's worth it to reduce your stress, and the poor child's. It also helps if you and the mom can sit and chat, laugh together, so the child can see that her mom trusts you.

Please don't just leave her screaming or isolated. This could have a long-term negative impact on her social development.

I dot know your entire situtation but how much time are you spending with her and her mother? It sounds like seperation anxiety and it could help to do some more things with both of them ( fun stuff like activities and trips) so she doesnt associate you with her mother leaving. Get her to thinking that you are not associated with something she doesnt like but with fun. Hope this helps and good luck ((HUGS))

I'd let her stay in her room until she comes out on her own.
YMMV
LBC

doesn't sound like a temper tantrum at all. that's a kid who has a tough case of separation anxiety. i would leave the door open and leave it up to her when to come out. under some circumstances i would go in there and read quietly until she calms down and accepts my presence (if not my interaction with her) but if she's really that fearful it may be too much for her. you really have to gauge the situation carefully. but i certainly wouldn't force it.
poor little tyke.
khairete
S.

I agree with Peg M.

This is NOT a temper tantrum. What you are seeing is "anxious attachment". Anxious attachment means that the child has bonded with her parent(s), but is desperately afraid that the parent(s) will leave her. You see it a lot in recently adopted children, but it's often found in homegrown ones, as well.

The child with anxious attachment isn't being "bad", and shouldn't be punished. There are things you can do to help, but the first steps really need to be taken by the mother. As an example, if the child is young, the mother probably shouldn't use sitters, even family members, for a while, if at all possible. She should carry the child a lot and do as much as she can to make the child feel secure.

If and when she must use sitters, she should prepare the child for them. As an example, she can have you over for lunch, but at some point, she should tell her daughter that she is going into the bedroom to make a phone call and that the child should stay in the living room with you.

The first few times she does this, she should see if the child can stay out of sight of her for five minutes, without screaming or trying to go to her. Gradually, she should increase the time, and the distance. As an example, she can go outside to put the garbage cans at the curb, or to bring them in, and stop to pick a few weeds.

The goal is for the child to recognize that "Mommy always comes back." And, in fact, both you and the Mommy should use that phrase constantly. If Mom goes to take the garbage out, and the child seems upset, both she and you should remind her that "Mommy always comes back," and so on.

The goal is also for the child to recognize you as a good temporary substitute for her Mom. Fear of strangers is very common among children. Your sister should always make sure that the child gets to know a sitter before using her as a babysitter. In your case, she should arrange for you to be at the house frequently, or to have both of you take the child to an event. Where possible, she should do things like saying, "I'm going to get in line and pay for the tickets; why don't you and Aunt D. stand over there and look at the stuffed animals in the display case? I know you like Sammy Squirrel."

Only when the child knows you well and is doing better in coping with her fear of abandonment should the Mom leave her alone with you, and then only for a short period of time, initially. She should never leave the child when the child is sleeping, as that will really, really scare her when she wakes up. Instead, she should prepare the child very well for the fact that Aunt D. will be with her.

A few tears when Mom leaves are normal, but you should be able to distract her with toys or activities. Excessive crying and screaming that seems to go on forever means that she may still be too anxious to deal with sitters.

One approach that sometimes works with the upset child is to go into his/her room and sit down on a rocker, chair, or even the floor. The adult should bring a book that the child likes and start reading it aloud. With a young child, the adult could turn to a stuffed animal and say, "Isn't this a good book? Why don't you tell Susie to come listen?" But if that doesn't work, the adult should simply stay close and quiet. The child may scream, "I want my Mommy," and the adult can remind the child that "Mommy always comes back."

Many preschoolers like a book called "The Kissing Hand." As I recall, the Mommy who needs to go out plants a lipstick kiss on the child's hand, so there is a visible print of her makeup. The child can look at the picture or kiss the print, to comfort himself/herself until Mommy comes back.

All in all, you are NOT spoiling a child if you give a child with anxious attachment a lot of comforting. You are helping the child develop security and trust.

S.

oh she sounds like a joy- I would leave her in there to scream Let her scream until her mom comes home. The mom is lucky she has you to watch her I can't see any daycare or school putting up with that.