How can we help our 19 custodial grandduaghter who parents abandon her at early age, we raised her with good christian values was recently a 3.90 GPA student. Recently reunited with parents and siblings (due to lifestyle choices) Lately making comments " I just want to do somegthing bad like them or be like them.(meaing parents and siblings). Recently her 1st expericience with sex at what seem to be a "Sex party for teens" was tramatic. Since, then this child of God and ours has done an opposite turnaround. I have found stuff on the internet that I never thought I would ever experience in our home. She seems depressed won't talk, wants to quit schools, Smoking, not sure of drinking yet now is having sex with any guy that gives a hint of interest.
Lives at home. Her grandfather and I are have tried to get her help yet she refuses states she "has rights". We are at our witts end. We love her but not sure how much more we can take? Her sibling took her in last week (we have been estranged) , after a few days called me to say they understand what we have been going throug and feel she is depressed and is a SEX ADDICT. How can this be? They have talked to her about coming home to us and to return to school yet I am afraid since we have always catored to all her needs. We don't want to lose her by having her write a contract which we are willing but she is not. We need help ASAP. I get tired of hearing every day " I don't want to" or I will eventually" , she wants boundries yet won't follow them. We don't want her to end up like her parents and siblings but this girl is bent on making those choices that will forever change her life like her parents choices did for them.
HELP!
She is so lucky to have caring grandparents like you! now if she would only realize it....... the previous two respondents said many good things. Antidepressants may help her feel better and that may help her make some positive changes in her life. She will not necessarily be on them forever. Also, you may benefit from counseling regardless of whether she goes or not. I'm betting you are already praying.....Good luck!
K. Z.
Hello,
I am sorry that you are going through this, especially since your granddaughter was on such a good track for so long.
Your GDD is already on the road to making decisions that will affect her for the rest of your life -- what she needs is a bottom line. I would suggest to stage an intervention. Right now, she has "permission" to do what she likes, because, at the end of the day, she has a safe home to return to, and therefore she really is not feeling the full consequences of her behavior.
So, stage an intervention, and during it present a contract -- listing explicitly what rules need to be followed in order to live in your home. Also, demand that she enter therapy, and have a place set for her to go. If she fails to oblige, set that bottom line -- give her 90 days to move out. If she agrees and then goes on the break the rules or drop out of therapy, or does not take therapy seriously, give her 90 days to move out. She isno longer a child, really -- she is not 11 or 12. She is 19. Remember, there are other 19-year-olds that are fully supporting themselves right now, or working their way through collenge. She really is capable of handling herself as an adult, if she chooses, and, obviously, legally, she is an adult. As heartbreaking that this may sound, you are not responsible for saving her from herself -- only she can do that, and you can only support.
Whether she has an actual addiction or not, out-of-control sexual behavior is often the result of some sort of sexual molestation, perhaps either earlier in her childhood or even as recently as the sex party. It is quite possible that she's acting compulsively because she has no other choice right now.
The first thing I would recommend is to get some professional advice for yourselves, and get actively involved with Al-Anon. Find out how to leave room for your granddaughter to be who she is, and how to love her without becoming co-dependent toward her behavioral choices.
She may be able to respond to your love and concern if you gently coax her, with no judgement about the sexual behavior, to see a doctor to talk about depression. Yes, with your values that will be hard, but it might make the difference as to whether you'll lose her or not.
Bless your hearts for all you've done for her. This must be agonizing for you. And she may not be destroying her life, just making some bad choices until she learns otherwise.
I am sure that at 19 most normal people have mad bad decisions. And some that we regret and yes, eventually we all come into contact with the outside world. I am not sure if she is really having a sex addiction b/c it is certainly normal for a 19 yo to be sexually active but maybe to you it may seem extreme. Regardless...please make sure that she has access to birth control and hopefully you have taught her about sex and how everything...err..works down there so she at least is not ignorant about them. Plus...she IS 19. She is an adult and very capable of making her own decisions even though they may not be what you want her to do. I think giving her some space but letting her know that you love her and are there for her will help. And the 'i dont want to' and 'i will eventually' is typical teenager speak. She is trying to come into her own person and figure out who she wants to be and it isnt exactly who you would want her to be so she is looking to the next closest relatives she has around..her own family. Yes they have made bad decisions but have confidence that you have also taught her well and so she will do fine.
It appears that you were able to provide a loving and sheltered childhood for your granddaughter. Congratulations on that.
Unfortunately, even if we don't want to, our children will eventually come in contact with the real world and make their own choices.... and mistakes. This is normal.
At 19 your granddaughter is an adult woman. I would hope in addition to raising her in your religious beliefs you have also taught her the scientific knowledge she needs to know in order to prevent unplanned pregnancy and STD's. Her body is hers to do with as she pleases and this may well be a normal period of experimentation. I realize that this may go against your beliefs, and you may think of it as extreme, but I doubt that she has developed an addition to sex with a short time of her first sexual experience.
Now, if you can't tolerate her behavior under your roof, it is your good right to show her the door. I would suggest that you offer for her to see a counselor of her own choice (counseling might also be offered through her school) to address her suspected depression. Please also be sure that she has access to birth control!
I agree with YoMama's advice. But before you set up those boundaries, make sure you have done your homework & found counseling centers that deal with that kind of behavior. Let her know that you support her 100% & that you will not judge her for what she is going through even though you may not agree with her decisions. Check out pamstenzel.com . This woman has video's out about abstinence & teenagers & what can happen when you don't respect your body. I realize she is an adult, but she may still get something out of the video.
This young girl needs so much love & support for what she has had to experience in her life. I will say a prayer for her!
Good luck & God bless!
I am only 28, and it still amazes me how teens nowdays act. I totally agree with the first two answers! Another thing that may help is to find teenage moms and have her talk to them or "be" them for a day. She needs to see the consequences to her actions.
I would make sure she is on birth control, had an vaccination for HPV, and also have her tested for STD's.
I know you love your granddaughter, and I am not familiar with sex addiction but it sounds like the source of her self-destructive behavior is depression. I think you need to give some tough love here or she is sure to continue down a bad path. I would tell her you are willing to help her, however she has to seek counseling or she cannot continue to live with you. Tell her that her behavior is effecting your home and that you are not going to allow her to you or herself any longer. Get her into some type of treatment right away and do not take no for an answer. If she refuses then you may have to let her go. Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they will accept help, or want help. I know it will be difficult to do but watching her destroy her life I am sure is even more difficult. Good luck to you!
