Teenager Greif

Dear D.,
It is such a relief to hear that I'am not the only Mother with this problem. My fifteen year old son is going through the same phase. I got so desperate last year we started family counseling, but after a few months the counselor confessed that I was wasting my money because my son refused to talk to him.
I guess I should be grateful that he isn't getting into trouble with the law, drinking or doing drugs. He is very smart, always has his nose in a book, and likes to write short stories. But he refuses to do any schoolwork unless it's a subject that interests him. On the rare occasions that he does do his assignements and turns them in, he does really well on them, the problem is that he ususally won't turn them in.
As you, I have tried everything from bribes, threats, and counseling, and nothing really works, I just can't seem to get through to him, he neither listens nor talks to me.
The counselor said that at 15 he is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions, that I needed to set firm guidelines, and if he continues to disregard them that he will have to suffer the consequences, so that's what I am trying to do.
I don't know if this is helpful or not.

Julia

Here's my advice for whatever it's worth (I don't have teen agers, but I remember one).

Take a long road trip some place (at least 8 hours in the car) and talk to him. Ask him how he thinks he's doing, ask him what his hopes and fears are. Tell him some of yours. Making sure to include how much you love him and have hopes for him. And really listen to him, don't criticize or offer advice, just ask him questions and tell him about how you are.

I think also getting dad involved is key. Your son really needs his dad right now. And you need to be out of their relationship. Send them on a long car trip so they'll talk.

I also recommend Raising Cain as a good read for perspectives on how to communicate with teenage boys and some of the things they're going through.

I don�t have much experience in raising teens, my son is 11 and I'm scared to death of his soon-to-be teen years. We did have our 15 year old niece come live with us because of all the trouble she was getting into at home, I was terrified, what can I do to help this girl. I had taken a Love & Logic parenting class a few years ago and fell in love with the concept, so I bought some Love & Logic books and when our niece came to live with us, I bought a Love & Logic book for raising teens and it save my life, I don�t know how it worked for her, but it saved my sanity. Just a little example was when my son was doing poorly in school and didn�t care, I told him "I'll love you no matter how many years it takes you to pass the 5th grade"! His eyes widened and he was shocked that I didn�t let his decisions become my problem, His grades are good now, especially since he had to take some special classes because he fell behind, It teaches me so much about what is my problem to worry about and what is his. It also helped me be at peace with where my son is at in his life, If he fails and needs summer school, great for him, I get to love him and give lots of sympathy while he suffers the natural consequence of his decisions. Hope this helps, Good luck.

HI
Well, my one son hated school and did the same as yours, my other two are honor students, ones in college now with honors and my other is a senior with straight A'a. but my first one didnt care if he got F"S so he guit and i had a heck of a time with him, but I made him finally get his GED and he was finally proud of himself,, but he learned the hard way, Maybe your son will let you help with his homework to go over it study, etc. and make it a team thing. also try to get involved with what he likes, and tell him you love him everyday, eat together, maybe if you can somehow back off, and tell him things like, something in his room is awesome. he will feel like wow, my mom cares about me and things i like, (even though we know you already do) he will try harder to please you, teenagers are tough, my daughter also hated school., so i helped her with her homework and study before test when she was in high school, and it worked

Stop the yelling and checking on his homework, etc. Tell him that "he" is responsible for his actions and give him a list of consequences and rewards for his actions ahead of time; such as consequences for bad grades will be ? and rward will be ?. The key is to be consistent no matter what; consistency is the key, do not give in no matter what he does. If he thinks he can make you buckle for whatever reason... then you have lost everything. I raised 3 boys and one girl and have been through every test imagineable; as grown ups, we have laughed at how I reacted/ or didn't to their "tests." A sense of humour also keeps you sane. Good luck.

I teach high school English. One of the best things (and toughest) I've ever seen a mom do is come sit with her son all day for two days straight. He hated it, but he worked his butt off afterwards to ensure that his mother never did it again. However, that being said, also know that there is only so much YOU can do. He has to do something too. If you bail him out too much, he'll always think of you as his back-up plan. He won't like taking summer school or night school, so perhaps a dose of this extra schooling would make him try harder the first time around. Make your consequences clear, then stick to them. Don't give him an out when he messes up. Reach out to a male teacher, counselor, principal OR most powerfully, coach (if he's in athletics) in your school for help - if you can't get dad to act, maybe he needs some other male direction. Good luck.

Hi D.,
I have a almost 15yo daughter (nxt wk) and her jr. high years were H.E. dble hockey sticks!!! hated them. her grades were horrible, she had an attitude and she wasn't that caring girl I used to know. I remember saying one time to her that I just didn't know who she was anymore..right or wrong, it was true. I always try to remember what it was like for myself, I know, times have changed but...we were still that age once and it was HARD. Trying to fit it, trying to do the rht thing, trying to plz everyone, trying to avoid negative peer pressure, and mostly trying to find ourselves. Thru this past summer, my daughter has come back around. She is now a freshman and I see her coming back so to speak. Even my husband said how shes changed, for the better. I wish I had the right words or the right advice, but all I can say is patience patience patience and love, love, love. We can only hold their hands for so long. They have to learn responsibility. I started talking about college and life after that and careers and how grades play an important role...I kinda think it has sunk in somewhat. Hang in there and just cont. what you are doing...showing love and support and he will come around.

Maybe your son is bored. Most people do not think of gifted students as at risk students but they are. There are some great virtual schools that you could maybe enroll your son in. You can have all grades transferred to these schools and they will continue keeping grades. A couple of accreditited virtual schools you might check out are : K12 and Calvert. Public education is not for every student. Some do well in that environment and others don't. If all else fails, have him test for his GED and then on to college. I think lots of people are stuck on that "high school diploma" idea. A GED is in most cases just as good. If he can make high SAT, ACT test scores than he will still get into college.
HOpe this helps,
tam

HI D.,

The Jr. High school brain is not fully mature and therefore makes immature decisions. At this age teenagers still think they are invincable and lack forethought. As I see it, you have two choices lay out just the facts for him. i.e. Here are your credits, here are your needed credits, here is where you fall short. Help him make a wise decision. OR Tell him "this is unacceptable, here is the minimum you must take to graduate on time, and get him excited about the next phase of life. He may be holding back because he fears something in his future, i.e. not being able to keep up with the older kids, more popular kids, bigger kids, etc. etc. etc.

Keep at it. You job is just to be his parent not his friend, he will thank you in the end.

Good luck!

hi D., you say you are married but parent like you are single, where is the father? what happened to for better or worse ? sounds like he is acting out maybe because he is looking for that male attention.and direction. do you have where you live a program big brothers or sisters? you might try something like that.or seek some counseling for your self to get some different approaches to handle these's different situations. its really to bad that you are doing this yourself. have you asked your husband why he is not participating as a father? sounds like you are a terrific mother. don't give up just start looking for different help because you will become even a better mom when you get help to maybe understand what is behind all this. i wish you so much luck! but maybe the yelling is exspected now, and and maybe you can be dirrected a different way . since you don't have the husband ask for help. it will help your life so much better.

Go to school with him and sit with him in every class. My mom had to do that with my brother when he was about your son's age. She still had to struggle with him somewhat but this embarrased him enough that he did get his act together somewhat. Good luck!

A.