Teenage Tantrums

I just got out of a sociology class and we were reading up on this. You cant force the relationship. Everything will happen in due time as it is meant to be. I agree with the other women about setting time for her everyday. You can both do things with her alone and then do things together also. Is she the only child? If there are other siblings included, things could get a little difficult because sometimes kids just dont want to get along or they think if they dont get along, their parents will split up with the "new person".

I have been remarried now for five years I was having this same kind of problem with my son, and my then fianace (now husband). Any-how I took my son to a counsler and he said that I needed to set 20 mins a day aside just for him and I alone. You can play games, look at magizines or what ever she likes to do but you have to stick with it everyday. It really does work!

PS She is just looking for attention, even if it is neg!

D.

I have been a single mom and have struggled with this issue as well. My son is a bit younger but I think it can be applied to any child. When this issue arose for me, I made sure to spend blocks of time with him every week. It would be just the two of us. I picked a certain day and time and did this consistently every week. Before I knew it, his insecurities vanished and he looked forward to it.

I don't know all of your circumstances, It just my thought, and my suggestion
I would suggest talk to her one on one about what is upsetting her, It could be she is jealous of the time you are spending with your gentlemen friend, and maybe she is feeling like you are spending all of your time with him, and not enough one on one time with her. Make a special date with your daughter at least once a week, and then make a family date where you all go and do something together.

Hi B., I also live in Hampstead.
Do you think you are moving a little bit too fast on the new friend. I am told I'm attractive and young looking. I have been by myself for over 6 years now. When I find that special man I want to take it slow and easy. Marriage is so easy to do but divorce is a hard and painful one to come out of. Especially for your daughter. Maybe your daughter feels like she is losing her mom. She is at a very special age now and may be afraid of another man coming into your life. She doesn't want to see another man like her dad in her life. Can you go for an engagement next summer and make it last about a year or so? The three of you could do fun famly things together. Let her feel part of your with this man since you do work. She needs mom and daugther things to do together. I wish you love and luck. God Bless both of you.

Maybe she is just afraid he will end up doing same thing as your ex did. She will come around im sure. Good Luck

~L. B

Hello, I'm sorry to hear you are having such trouble. I have a 15 year old sister and she had the EXACT same problem when my mom was dating her now Hubby. My sister would tell everyone in the family that my mom spends more time with Jess (her Hubby) than with my sisters and that she hardly sees the kids anymore. This was totally not the case of course. My mom would see Jess about 2-3 times per week for a few hours after work. They always invited the girls to watch movies with them, or go to dinner with them etc. Well- the 13 year old loved that Jess was around and always wanted to hang out with him and my mom but the 15 year old refused! She told everyone she liked him and that she didn't want my mom to have to be alone in life after the girls got bigger and moved out but she still would not accept the idea. She tried to break them up and even succeeded in making my mom think she was doing something wrong by finding a wonderful man!! My mom went to a psychologist for advice and the lady told her that she could not just let this great guy go because she was having problems with my sister. She said to continue to be persistent in acknowledging that Jess was going to be there for a long time and wasn't going to let the attempts of a 15 year old deffer him. The psychologist said that children take is hard when a parent leaves and they do not want to allow themselves to get too used to anyone else for fear of being left again, and also that for some children, change is really hard to accept. The fear of the unknown, she said, allows them to behave in whatever way necessary to make things stay the same. Well, my mom and Jess kept going with their relationship and kept going towards marriage and though planning a wedding takes time they kept telling the girls all along that they were going to get married. My little sister's only concern was "what if Jess doesn't want us to paint our rooms?" which he replied to my mom "you tell those girls that this will be THEIR house too and they can paint their rooms and decorate them just like they were able to do before."

So anyway i'm sure you're wondering the outcome...well literally up until the day they got married the 15 year old still would be fine one second and the next lashing out. However, once they were married, and moved into the same house with Jess, she realized how much better it was that they were all under the same roof and she is getting more and more used to him being around all the time since she doesn't feel like she has to share my mom so much now. They go on family trips together and she has stopped lashing out so much now. She will still get upset with random things sometimes but they are all learning to adjust. Each day gets better as the Bridget (15) sees that Jess means good for my mom, yea, but that he also wants the best for them. He treats them as if they were his own, helped plan their recent birthday parties and helped decorate their rooms, and just acts like a dad would. My littlest sister was a baby when my dad left and really hasn't gotten to know him all that well so she's just eating it up and getting as much as she can of Jess, and Bridget is coming around more and more as she realizes how much more stable life is becoming with two adults in the house. It's been much easier for them to do the things they want to now that there are two people to help drive them to events, and now that my mom is not a single mom supporting 2 kids and trying to help a third go through college. My husband is in the Marines so we are now stationed quite far but from talking to my sisters and mom and Jess and other family and friends...everything is going to be just fine. I would say to you just be persistent as you said. Your daughter will adapt as kids do, but just realize that even though her fears and behavior may be childish, she is a child and just continue to treat her concerns knowing that they are REAL and that however irrelevant they may seem, they are still important and for some reason she is still feeling that way. Just don't let go of something wonderful because your daughter is acting out though. Continue to talk to her and be open with her on the progression of the relationship and if it comes down to marriage, include her in the planning and such. Just show her that she is still very important to you (as I'm sure you've already been doing). As said by another member, continue to let your daughter know that if she has a concern you will all deal with it as a family but that she can not continue to act badly without trying to find a solution or else there will be punishments for her behavior. My mother stuck to this also to show my sister that it was not ok to make Jess feel unwelcomed when he was only being nice to them. Good luck and I hope this gave you some encouragement :)

Hi B.,
My name is R., and I have two boys, one is 7 and the other is 9. I know I do not have a teenager right now, but the tantrums like you are talking about happens even with kids that are my sons age. the only difference is their knowledge and understanding of situations. I am still married, but I see a lot of other military families that go through what you are right now.
I feel strongly that your daughter is confused about her situation right now, and ends up lashing out through her actions versus trying to talk about things. I think she may feel threatened by the fact that you will or are spending more time with this new gentleman and not her. She may also be having internal, emotional tug-a-war on whether to fully trust this new man because of the way her father treated her. If you haven't already done so, I would say counseling would be a very good option. I see a biblical counselor here in Fayetteville, NC, and they are so nice and very helpful. They work with any age group, and a friend of mine, her daughter is doing the same things yours is, is seeing them, and it's doing a great job with this young lady. She has a much better relationship and understanding of the issues with her mother now.
For your daughter it will eventually help her to get everything out if she sees counselor. She needs a third party outlet, as well as encouragement and guidance. The biblical counseling is the best approach because it has Christ and his teachings involved as well. I highly recommend this. The counseling info:

Don't despair, it is God who will guide you and your daughter. He is our strength and hope.

givn the situation with her father i can understand why she is acting out. you just need to sit and have a long talk with her. let her know that she is still number 1 in your life and just because you love this man does not mean you love her any less. make sure to set aside special time jsut for you and her, then try some family time with all 3 of you and even try letting him & her spend some 1 on 1 time together. also, even though he was an jerk, it's still her dad and i'm sure she still loves im and may have some unresolved anger issue with him that she is directing toward your new guy. just let her know that your new guy is not trying to replace her dad. he just wants to love you and her and be a good step dad. also let her know that her tantrums and bad behavior will not be tolerated and there will be punishments if they continue...and stick to it. 14 is a tough age and along with this situation, she going through lots of physical, mental and emtional changes. she's not a little girl anymore, but she's still not a woman either. it's a hard reality to face, and she just needs lots of love, bounderies, and structure to get through to the next phase in life. jsut let her know, that she can always come to you with questions or concerns, and you'll work out any issues as a family.

Hi B.-
Sorry to hear about your troubles with your daughter. I also have a 14 year old daughter (SW Middle), have my BSW and am currently in grad school for social work, and have a motorcycle, but it is for sale right now since I am 9 months pregnant and don't think I will be ready to ride anytime this year...wow we have a lot in common. I am wondering if your daughter is getting jealous because she knows that your boyfriend could soon be your husband and she thinks he might try and then become her father which could be a negative thing in her mind. I don't know what kind of relationship she has with her father, so that could have some things to do with her acting out. I wish I knew an answer to tell you..please keep me informed, I wish you the best.
-M.