Teacher Conference and a Sensitive Subject. Do I Even Bring It Up?

Updated on November 02, 2011
L.U. asks from Kirkland, WA
27 answers

Good Evening moms. I am still trying to figure out if I am going to discuss this with my son's teacher and I thought I would bring it to you moms and see if it's something you would even talk about with the teacher.
Background. My kids are new to this elementary school. I have one boy in 1/2 day kindergarten (he is doing great!) and one boy in 3rd grade (also doing great!) We will probably only be at this school for the rest of the school year and then be moving back to where my eldest went his first three years.
Elijah, my 3rd grader, came home last week and told me that they have a kid in his class that is a troublemaker. What do you mean? I ask. He says to me that Dalton has been having some problems in the classroom so he has had to sit in a desk, by himself, right next to the teacher, Ms. Smith. The other kids all sit 3 to 5 kids at a cluster of desks. So I ask if he has had any problems with Dalton and he says no. I ask how he knows that Dalton is a troublemaker and he says that Ms. Smith talked to the class about Dalton's behavior. What do you mean, I ask. He says that Dalton had to go to the office for being naughty and that Ms. Smith got the class together at the rug and had the kids talk about Dalton's behavior. She asked the kids what things Dalton has done that are naughty. So, hands go up all over the place naming all the naughty things this kid has done since the beginning of school year AND the year before. That's about all my son tells me, but this whole thing doesn't sit well with me. The kid leaves the room so the teacher talks about him to the whole class?
Then, two days ago my son tells me that there is a thief in his classroom! What? He says that Ms Smith talked to his class that morning about how she had walked the kids out to the bus the afternoon before and when she got back to the class Victoria was in the teacher's desk stealing candy. Victoria had to go to the office that next morning so Ms. Smith wanted to tell the class where Victoria was and why she was there. Hmmm? Where was Victoria while Ms. Smith was talking about that, I ask my son. He says that she was in the office. So, again a kid leaves the room and Ms. Smith feels the need to tell the whole class about one student's bad behavior?
I don't know. This all just feels wrong to me. I am not worried about my son purposefully doing something wrong and being made a lesson in her class, but I am worried about him doing something stupid. he's 9! All kids do dumb things once in a while! Then do I need to be worried about him leaving the class and the teacher saying something to everyone?
Here's the deal. I know being a teacher is hard work and I know that I am only getting my son's side of the story. However, that is how HE perceived the whole thing. So, even if the teacher did things a little differently, Elijah still saw it as the teacher telling everyone how naughty one of her students was.
We have a conference with her tomorrow and I am trying to figure out how to bring this up. How do I ask her without Elijah getting backlash from this teacher? I want him to be able to come to me and tell me things that are happening in his class and I don't want to accuse Ms. Smith of something without knowing the full story. But, how do I ask without coming accross as attacking her? AND, is it really worth it? He is almost a third of the way through the year, maybe there wont be any more issues. I talked with my mom who is an IA in a different school district and she was shocked that the teacher had done this but didn't know if I should talk with her or not. So, I am coming to you mom's. What do I do...if anything? What do I say...if anything?
Thanks moms!

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

This isn't normal?

In every class I've ever been in (myself in school) and the 1 year my son was in awayschool for K... that's how things were conducted by the good teachers. It wasn't a "bash" session... but an explanatory session. It removed the mystery/fear/quashed outlandish rumors -or plain wrong information- and set up a standard of behavior for the rest of the students.

The same was true of special needs kids, med kids, etc. When we had a student who was diabetic; the teacher explained how blood sugar and insulin worked, and why 'Katie' needed to be able to have snacks in class. With kids with inhalers, aides, chairs, good behavior charts, etc. the teacher would explain things to the class so that everyone understood.

Now I've had one should be dropped in the nearest minefield teacher, and a couple of not great ones. One of the distinguishing marks of the evil one was that she made fun of and derided the children (and their parents) to the other kids. She didn't explain things... she mocked. Sneered. Embarrassed. Humiliated.

But the rest... they ALL explained when someone did something wrong, WHY that was wrong... and when someone did something that was different WHY they did things differently.

12 moms found this helpful
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G.S.

answers from New York on

Riley put it best. Teacher is not being mean in any way. She's just stating that certain behaviors are not acceptable in school. Even if she were to take the child out of the classroom and have a one-to-one, don't you think the other children would know that this person did something wrong? She has her ways of conducting good behavior, just like other teacher's have their own. I don't condone what she's doing. She's making a point outrightly to the rest of the class that what this young child did was unacceptable.

2 moms found this helpful

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K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Ok, so here is what I would say, "Mrs Smith, I wanted to understand a situation that Elijah brought up to me the other day. Honestly, I am not sure he interpreted it correctly and I am confused as to what happened now and, with out your assistance I can not help Elijah understand. He explained to me that when a classmate Dalton (tell her what you told us basically) ... Same with the girl. I am sure you see my confusion on the situation, I would think you are brainstorming on correct and incorrect behaivors, but it would seem to me that the offenders would benefit from being part of this as well. I am not sure I am understanding the situation correctly, please clarify." Then she will choose to cover up, back peddle or have a good reason and you can then help your son understand.

15 moms found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I might ask the teacher what methods are used to handle disciplinary issues in her room. I might ask under what circumstances would a student be sent to the principal's office. I might then ask her what the rest of the class is told, if anything, about that action. I might ask her if this is the procedure that is written in a policy handbook somewhere, and if so, where would I find that.

I would keep it all very nonjudgmental, but specific. This is not accusing her of anything, and allowing her story to unfold piece by piece. If she gets defensive, that is a problem. I might then say "I just want to be informed of the discipline used here, since this is our first year here, and as long as what is written describes the process, that's fine"...

I believe the teacher should be allowed to tell her side of the story. I also typically believe what my 9 year-old daughter tells me about what happens in school. There may be missing pieces that the teacher could fill in, but really, this doesn't sound good to me. I think we owe it to our children to ask questions about what is going on in their classrooms.

7 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

I would ask about it. It concerns you and will be on your mind the rest of the year. Ask, with an open mind, keeping in mind that your son may not have the whole story and/or may not understand parts of it.

Start by asking how she handles misbehavior in her classroom. That will get the subject going which will probably lead into making it easy to ask more specific questions. If you're not thinking accusatory thoughts, i.e. have an open mind, you will not come across as accusatory.

6 moms found this helpful
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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I think there are two sides to every story... You are getting the 3rd grade re-tell of the story... I'm SURE that you aren't getting even 1/5 of what really happened in that classroom.

I don't think the teacher is being mean. I think the teacher is stopping the rumor mill before it starts. If the teacher just said nothing, the child would come back from the office and everyone would immediately want to know why the child was there and what happened - thus creating chaos and stopping the learning. This way, she explains what has happened, asks for input from the kids, discusses the behavior, answers questions, and moves on. The child returns from the office, and learning continues.

That said, if you want the real story, ask the teacher. I'm SURE she will be happy to explain.
LBC

5 moms found this helpful
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H.W.

answers from Portland on

There's a real array of answers here. My best suggestion would be to start the conversation pertaining to this topic with some specific, open-ended questions.

"You know, recently our son has come home talking about some classroom discussions regarding other kids behavior. Most specifically, he mentioned Dalton and Victoria being discussed for acting out. He's concerned that if he makes a mistake, he might get called out in front of the class. Could you help me understand what happens during those times, and why these incidents are brought to the attention of the class?"

Some teachers have a 'class meeting' type of gathering each day where kids can air grievances with each other while feeling supported by the teacher. (as well as practicing their "I" statements, such as "I didn't like when Suzy cut in front of me at the fountain", etc.) While I personally wouldn't have a group discussion like this with my age group (preschoolers), some teachers have been taught to handle some classroom conflicts this way. That said, I would only find it appropriate if what Dalton or Victoria did was affecting the children directly and there was some child-initiated problem-solving happening around this.

Being open and asking the teacher, while putting it in the context of "this is confusing for my kid" may give her pause as to how she is discussing this with the class. I personally wouldn't hesitate to draw a small comparison: "You know, at home we make it a point only to discuss a person's negative behavior with that person alone, or just with the people involved in a given situation, because kids do make mistakes, so calling the attention of the entire classroom to it is pretty different. How could I explain this so that he understands, because it's easy to see how he thinks that Dalton and Victoria are being called out in front of the class?" This puts the ball in the teacher's court, and you might be surprised by what you hear. Perhaps there is a philosophy behind it, perhaps she does want to shame them. Perhaps Dalton's behavior is emerging as a bigger issue in the classroom and she wants to find out what the larger impact is, esp. during recess or lunchtimes when she might not be with the class and the monitors might not catch/communicate what's happening.

While I think all of this is very unfortunate, it is another opportunity for us to find out about what the teacher is thinking and if you approach this as an opportunity to support your son (and if you can keep that attitude during the conference, which should help both your and the teacher's feelings NOT escalate), you could learn a lot. I agree that the whole thing kind of stinks, but I don't know what that teacher carries with her, what her previous teaching experiences have been, or even what sort of parenting and teachers she had as a younger person. All of these factors can contribute to how this teacher manages her classroom in the present day.

Lastly, I'd strongly recommend reading "The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other" by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot. This book has been insightful for me as both a preschool teacher and a mother. So much of what we experience before/during/after our conferences is perceived through the prism of our past experiences of our own, for teacher and parents both. You can do this, L.. If the conference goes horribly, ask for a meeting with both the counselor and the principal. If it goes well, you might consider waiting a bit and seeing if the 'classroom call-outs' continue, or if the teacher gets the message that this is confusing for the kids. My best to you on your conference.

(If necessary, as someone else had suggested, this is a great subject to broach with the guidance counselor, because there is the danger of 'labelling' of kid like Dalton and Victoria. We don't know what's behind either of their behaviors, either, but I expect that there are always 'below the surface' issues which are like the bottom of the iceberg-- the behaviors are only the tip of that iceberg. )

5 moms found this helpful
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S.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

This is a tough one, because as you said you're only getting your son's point of view on this. Are you comfortable asking if she could tell you more about discipline policy and procedures, how is inappropriate behavior dealt when the rest of the class is aware of poor behavior. In my daughter's school, we were told the classroom uses the 'red', 'yellow', 'green' and behavior that puts the student at risk warrants a visit to the principal's office. My concern is how inappropriate is the behavior and why is it being shared behind the student's back. My primary concern is for the privacy/respect of the student. We also received the parent/student handbook (which I haven't read, but am sure addresses proper/improper behavior. I would even talk to other parent's to find out what their child is telling them. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful
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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

IF what your son is telling you IS true, this teacher is acting in a VERY unprofessional manner!

Like others have posted--you're getting a 3rd graders side of the story (I have O., too!)--and I'm sure you appreciate the fact that he's 9. But I think it's been enough examples to warrant some merit.

Since this has been several similar instances. I would certainly try to think of a way to bring this up.

How about:

"What is the policy & procedure when a child is sent to the office?"

or

"What's your policy on confidentiality when someone breaks a rule? I have been hearing about other kids' misbehavior and I'd like to make sure he's not gossiping."

or

"Just wondering why my child is coming home with "labels" about other kids like "troublemaker" and thief"?

L., I think it "feels" wrong to you because it IS wrong! As far as backlash, I think if this is politely pointed out, she'll know better than to give your son "backlash" because she will know that "the jig is up" and it's not flying with you....

If her response doesn't sound right--a quick, confidential call or visit to the principal might be in order.

4 moms found this helpful
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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

Certainly ask if you want to know. Always ask politely if you want to know the reason behind something. I wouldn't worry the teacher is going to be mean to your son for simply asking a question about classroom procedures. Give her more credit than that. You don't know the whole story. You are hearing only your son's side of things at a brand new school. One thing I've learned in this life is not to judge someone else until you have the facts. So just ask.

3 moms found this helpful
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B.J.

answers from Kansas City on

When I was in 4th grade (many, many moons ago) I volunteered to go back to the closet in my class at recess and get the dodge ball. When I opened the closet door I saw several stacks of wide lined paper in 50 sheet packages. It probably would have sold for 10 cents at that time. We were so poor my mom would buy a 100 sheet package and divide it between the seven kids. It was never enough. All the other kids in class had big notebooks with lots of paper and colored dividers and zipper bags for their pencils. I took a package of the paper and put it in my desk. I couldn't wait to put it in my notebook. I knew it was wrong to steal and my mom would have spanked my butt if she knew but the point was that I stole two or three more whenever I got low. The teacher knew I was doing it and sent me in for the ball for the last time. She walked in when I was putting it in my desk. I immedialtely started crying. I felt so bad because it was wrong and I knew it. I appreciated the fact that she didn't rat me out to the class. It would have been devistating if anyone else knew and besides, kids are cruel and the first thing they would have said when upset at me would be that I was a thief. I learned from that and never took another thing. I just wanted to be like the other kids if only for a silly reason. She never mentioned this to my mom. She was a great teacher. Your son's teacher needs to make all the children feel special and not single them out. Especially when it comes to her putting Dalton next to her desk by himself. That to me is not acceptable. She needs this brought to her attention by an adult. Sometimes there is no "good" way of telling someone they are wrong.

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K.B.

answers from Milwaukee on

I agree with Sue on how to apporach the issue, learn the basic methods on how this teacher handles the disciplinary issues and see what unfolds.

If you know other parents well enough to ask them if their child has mentioned something about these situation do ask them. I do not think it is right to talk about a student and single them out, a teacher can use the situation to remind the whole class of the rules. To me the rule can be re-enforced by "billy please raise your hand to answer a question" instead of having the child leave and point out the wrong doing.

If it keeps going I would also talk to the principle and bring up your concerns, the principle can then address the issue with out specifically singling out a child/parent. It seems having the kids point out all the wrong doing of one child from now and the past only just belittles a child in the classmates eyes and no one will want to be the child's friend (which mught make the attention seaking worse).

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K.L.

answers from Medford on

I wouldnt talk to the teacher about this, but bring it up to the principal instead. You dont need any backlash for your son if the teacher knows he has told you. Ask if this is standard procedure and let the administrator know you dont like it. I dont like the sound of it at all.

2 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I think she is just trying to use an example as a teaching tool and it's just not a very good choice. I have talked to my grandkids about some action that a friend did while we were with them that resulted in them getting into trouble or getting hurt. I think it means more if we use examples they understand.

In this case it's the step over the line that bothers me. The whole class should be there and they should be talking about the activity that was a poor choice as a group and not that so and so did this and it's bad.

Is she young? First time teacher? It may be she just doesn't have experience in this area.

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

Yes, bring it up and give your son's perspective (his report) and then ask the teacher if this is really what happened. If she confirms, you can relay your concerns, but if she negates, then you can talk about your son's perception. If this is true, it is not okay and she is "splitting." If this is not happening, you can talk to the teacher about working with her to change son's experience of those getting in trouble. Labeling is not acceptable.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

A friend of mine who is a teacher once told me this, "Go to the teacher if you have question not straight to my boss. Don't tell her all the teacher does is yell if you have never heard it for your own ears or even been in the classroom. Don't assume that everything your child says is the honest to God truth, because know that if the teacher believed everything your child said we would believe that you never feed them, you and your husband fight all the time and that you went to Mexico in and came back in one day. We just need to be a team. It is unlikely that we as teachers are out to get your child all the time. Well I guess go to the teacher and talk, and if you can help in the classroom be in there and see what is really going on."

A good thing to keep in mind. There are always two parts to the story. That said, I agree with previous poster. Try to go to the teacher with an open ended question to gain information about what is going on. If you find you are not satisfied with the information/results of the discussion then involve someone else.

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A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

There is a huge difference between the kids seeing Dalton's & Victoria's behavior, than there is the teacher telling them.

If this teacher is wanting to teach a lesson regarding behavoir or stealing she needs to leave names out of the discussion. You have every right to ask her about this. She may yes, backlash at your child, at that point in my opinion you should meet with the principal.

Discussing specifics of one student with all students is not acceptable. Discussin that something was taken, without pointing fingers or naming names is acceptable.

I would say something...but that is just my personality.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from St. Louis on

conferences within the classroom should be used as a teaching tool & not as a backstabbing party! I fully believe in directly & immediately addressing issues within the group. I also believe the children should not be asked to "snitch" on their classmate. I agree that the teacher stepped over the line in encouraging "like" remarks from the kids.

But I do feel strongly that she does need the freedom to address the crime & consequence. Please don't let the fear that your child may be on the receiving end of this direct your actions. Yes, she's overly zealous & more than a little unkind.....but the kids do need to be made aware of how this could happen to them!

& as a head's up, when kids have to sit isolated by the teacher's desk....most of them enjoy it. Seriously, they flip it to a point of honor....or fodder for more comedy/drama. It's happened to both of my sons....& they had fun. Twisted, I know.....:)

1 mom found this helpful
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S.O.

answers from Chicago on

I would ask the teacher politely about it and let her know how your son sees it. Sometimes we do things not always understanding how it is coming across. My daughters were on a baton twirling team when they were in jr. high. When I came to pick them up from practice there was a mom in the bathroom checking to see if the new sports bras that had just arrived fit the girls properly. I had a problem with this. I felt the only one that should be checking if a bra fits my girls correctly should be me. When I approached the coach she said she was sorry and really didn't think about how it could be uncomfortable (plus other reasons) for some of the girls. She thanked me for bringing it to her attention. Talk to the teacher. she might thank you in the end.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I absolutely would ask the teacher what is happening. It is clearly upsetting your son and if the teacher is doing these things - it is negatively impacting the class and is horrible for both Dalton and Victoria. MANY children take things - only a very small percentage grow up to be thieves. Public shaming is NOT something that a teacher should be doing. Brainstorming about what one classmate did wrong - also completely wrong. If I knew the parents, I might also mention to them that your son mentioned they were being singled out (I would say something like 'DS said something happened at school with Dalton, he wasn't clear what it was but maybe Dalton would tell you').

Maybe none of this is what is really happening, but if it is - the principal needs to have a good talk with the teacher. I can't imagine even a bad teacher would take out her feelings about a parent's concerns on a 3rd grader. (But I also can't imagine a teacher calling a 3rd grader a thief in front of an entire classroom or talking about all the things one kid may have done wrong with a class of 9 year olds either).

1 mom found this helpful
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A.Z.

answers from Portland on

This doesn't sit well with me either. I would schedule an appointment with the principle and address your concerns. He'll handle it and hopefully explain what should have been done to handle things. I understand the teacher is probably trying to teach a lesson, but by singling children out and isolating them, it is extreme and inappropriate. Children are learning, and many have stressors in life that cause them to act out - treating them this way for minor things isn't okay in my mind and may cause more issues for them. I would have to speak up if it were me.

E.S.

answers from Dayton on

Eeek! That's tough.
Cheryl O. had something of a similar situation going on a few weeks back...At least, I think it was Cheryl O..
I DO think you should say something, Ms. Smith is being very unprofessional and childish, IMO.
I hope some of the other mama's have some good advice on how to approach this! I want to tell you to just be truthful (this is what my son is coming home w/...) but I wouldn't want your son to be a target either. :(

Reminds me of when I was in the 5th grade. Went on a field trip and was accused of yelling at my schoolmate's mom: "You're not my mom and I don't have to listen to you!".
My teacher told the whole class (for some reason I got picked up early).
It never happened. :(

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

You are hearing ONE side of the story. If you say anything, be ready to hear the rest of the story which may be very different thatn what you are hearing.

Children have a tendency to embellish. You don't "know' for a fact that this is exactly what happened. Tread carefully if you pursue this.

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J.M.

answers from Seattle on

It might be appropriate to have a conversation with the principal to find out what the school's policies are for handling more serious discipline cases. You could ask that your information be kept confidential to avoid backlash against your son. -It really depends on how the conversation happened with the children about Dalton's behavior -but it sounds odd. If they were brainstorming ways to help that would be one thing, but it doesn't exactly sound like it's going in that direction.

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J.N.

answers from Seattle on

Wow - first good for you for speaking up! I would for sure. If I was the parent of the two kids who got in trouble, I would be very upset - how horrible for them to be labeled and by their teacher!

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H.L.

answers from Portland on

I think I'd schedule a meeting with the principal and ask her if it is normal procedure for that teacher. Explain your concern. I'm having a similar problem with our third grade teacher. My daughter says she yells at the kids. She says she only does it when the parent helpers are not there. How do you ask a teacher if she yells at the kids? Ugh.

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