Support for Hubby

Hi M.,
Sorry your family is going through a tough time. You're not alone. You're obviously a loving wife and mom to ask for help. When my husband gets frustrated with work, I just try to stay positive for him. I thank him daily for how hard he is working for our family. I tell him no matter what happens,I will be there for him, even if we had to live in a box! :) I tell him how proud I am to be his wife. There may not be anything you can do to get him a job, but you can make his struggle bearable just by being there to lift him up at the end of the day. Remember to have fun, even while this is going on. Life is to be enjoyed, even as we struggle, knowing that this too shall pass! Hang in there!

M.,

I am so sorry this is happening to your family! My best suggestion to you is to just be there emotionally and physically for your husband. He may want to vent or tell you how he feels---Be there and listen. Also, he may be a bit moody because of the stress of finding a new job etc. Most men connect working with their own sense of self and self-worth. So be there to reassure him that he is fine and to give that encouragement. Good luck and hope everything pans out soon.

Sometimes jobs just aren't a good fit. That doesn't mean it's your husband's fault or that he did anything wrong. It might not have been a good match to begin with, or it could be that his manager is a jerk.

He should sign up for all the benefits he's entitled to, and if they do an exit interview he should participate and see if he learns anything useful for going forward. He should also find out what their policy is on references - some employers don't say a thing, just verify that you worked there, had such and such a title, and worked between these dates.

Then he should connect with headhunters, LinkedIn, and any relevant networking groups in your area.

He should keep his head up, eat right, exercise, and maybe actually do some of the stuff around the house. Sometimes knowing that a spouse is taking on even more of the home stuff causes even more stress and makes the out-of-work person feel less worthy.

Continue to bolster his confidence, and emphasize the things he does well. He left something else to take this current position, and he will find something else going forward.

You can't keep him sane. As a man, he will be concerned with what his responsibility to your family is. Just as you are concerned with being Super Mom due to the circumstances. Do not walk on eggshells, just be understanding of the situation and support him when he requests it or needs it. Don't overcompensate or try to take on what he is feeling or going through, as this is very personal to a man. Good luck.

Have you checked with your licensing worker to see if you can do a large home child care? If you hire a person to help you then you could pay them minimum wage and take perhaps 6 more children....in Oklahoma, if they were 2-3 years old that would mean $19 x 6 = $114 up to $20.25 X 6 = $121.50, according to the state's pay rate scale.

If you paid a person $7.75 per hour and they would come when the majority of the kids were there, for instance, if some didn't come until right at 8am but you took your first child in at 6am the helper would not need to come until about 7:30-7:45. Then as those early kids started leaving they could go home as soon as you were under ratio. So it could be as much as $60(ish) per day to pay a staff person. If it's contract labor they are responsible for their own taxes and other stuff.

They could also be just a partner and you could pay them a percentage from the proceeds. It would be to their advantage to keep kids enrolled since their money would be based on how many kids there are enrolled. I did this with a person a few years ago and it worked really well. We had the papers drawn up to make the business an LLC, to make me a partner, to get our tax id and other stuff all taken care of.

I was the hands on person, they didn't work in the business at all. His health was bad and the wife wanted out of the daily grind of child care. It worked. I worked hard to make a good profit for both of us.

This could also leave the kids in good hands with this other person if you do move. They would already have a care giver they knew and could move to her location.

It's just a thought of course. If you are planning on leaving the area you could just start the process of closing down the business once he finds a job that he accepts.

Things are so tough for people right now.

I've been a single, full-time working mother since my divorce 15 years ago. It is definitely hard to shoulder all the responsibilities for supporting a family.
We've had our ups and our downs, but one thing that really helped me was allowing myself to believe that things do happen for a reason. We may not always understand the reason or be able to see it when we are in the thick of things. But, we just have to keep moving forward.

There have been jobs that I was certain I would just jump off a bridge if I didn't get. They seemed so perfect with great pay and benefits. Each time I was devastated for not getting the job, about a week later, I got an even better one. I wasn't meant to have the ones I "thought" I needed so badly.

This can feel like a really devastating situation for you and your family, but hopefully you can encourage your husband to keep his head up. For whatever reason, he wasn't meant to stay where he's at and I believe it's because where he's supposed to be just hasn't presented itself yet. But, it will. And, he may find that he's much happier in the long run.

It's incredibly stressful to bear the weight of financial responsibility for a family by yourself. You're just going to have to be as supportive as possible.
If your kids are in school, you could always try to get a part-time job while the kids are out of the house to help bring in a little money.

Hang in there. Things will work out.

Best wishes.

Above all make sure he knows this is not his fault. He can't help it if his boss is a jerk. He can't make this person like him. If he is a typical nice guy who works hard and does his job he has nothing to be embarrassed about. Unfortunately sometimes this happens. If you can, find out how much his unemployment will be and maybe start looking for a job for yourself to help pay the bills until he can find one.

If there is nothing available where you are, consider moving so he can find a good job with good benefits. Weigh all the sides of this situation uprooting yor kids will not be easy but if he can secure a better opportunity, go for it. Be willing to do what ever it takes to make things work.

I'll just add to what everyone else has said.

Tell him to register now for unemployment benefits, if that is an option where you are. That might buy him some time to find a better fit and make him feel good about having some money to contribute. Start scaling back your spending, if you haven't already.