Suggestions How to Teach My 8 Yr Old to Take More Responsibility of Her Actions

Rebecca M. is right on track here. Sometimes when they blame others, they are not really trying to lie, they've just place the 'blame' on the wrong event in a sequence. Asking questions that challenge their original statement 'he started it!' or whatever, is the best way to get them to really look at the whole situation and see where they could have made a change, or different decision, that would have altered the outcome. This is an important lesson for everyone to learn. Yes, maybe the other kid did contirbute to the problem, but so did you. I tell my girls all the time that they can not control what other people do or say, they can only control what themselves and their reactions to what others do or say, and that really is a lot of power to have. If they use that power well, their lives will be MUCH happier!

Hello!

When you talk to her about what she did, instead of telling her what she did wrong, ask her questions about it until you get her to tell the truth about what happened. It's important for her to admit to herself what really happened. Here's an exchange similar to what happens with my son:

My teacher hates me. She wouldn't let me go to recess.
Did you do something to make her mad?
No, I didn't do anything, she just hates me.
When did this happen?
We were lining up by the door to go out and Jeremy pushed me, and then I couldn't go to recess.
Why did Jeremy push you?
He hates me too. All I did was bump him and he pushed me.
How did you bump him?
I was trying to take Jack's hat from him and I accidentally bumped Jeremy.
So you were fooling around a little bit while you were waiting to go out?
Yes, but it's not my fault!
It sounds like you were playing in the line instead of waiting quietly. Is that right?
Yes, but...
Can you think of a way to keep the teacher from taking away your recess?
Maybe if I wait quietly in line instead of goofing off?
Yes!

Good luck!

Just be aware that this is normal. =) Maybe read to her "the boy who called wolf" and "chicken little". It is important that she learn to tell the truth but it is sometimes a hard lesson to learn. How about going for a week with that lesson? "Oh! You wanted your favorite shirt washed?? It's not MY fault! Um, there is only enough dinner for dad and me, not you? (of course you have it, just not where she can see it) It's not MY fault!" Sometimes it is easier for them to understand when they see someone else not doing something they should.
There need to be consequences to lying. No TV, no computer, early bed time, sitting in a chair in the middle of the room for 2 minutes.
Ask her how it feels when someone else lies to her and what the consequences should be...be sure and do this when she isn't in trouble.
Don't worry, most kids do grow out of it. =)

Maybe she should be responsible for making retribution for her actions. For instance: if she writes on the desk, not only should she have to clean it up, but she must come up with a plan to make up for the inconvience she caused the class/teacher. If she says something mean to a classmate, not only should she have to apoligize, but she should be responsible for doing something special for that person to make retribution.

This sounds pretty "normal" to me :o) Kids just don't want to appear "wrong" in certain situationsa that they are most intimidated in.

Just make sure that you are praising her for the things she is doing great, especially when she acts responsibly. And help give her the "tools" on how to take ownership of when she's faulted in small ways.

She just needs confidnece that she's dong "her life" well.........when she does her homework, praise her........when she cleans up her dish....praise her....etc....

Like everything else, this too will pass, it just might take alot of reinforcing until she gets there :o)

~N. :o)

Hi momma-
My only thought is to have some sort of disciplinary action or consequence for her behavior. Regardless of who started the problem, let's say if she shouts at someone, a time out. If she gets in trouble for pushing someone, even if "they started it." no dessert. You must take things away from your children that are important to them, but are luxuries- like dessert, playing at their friends houses, spending the night, having friends over, etc. If her behavior is good, and there are no complaints, then she can earn those things back. If she complains, you have to let her know that whether or not she intended for something to happen, her actions and REACTIONS have consequences. AND, if she is going to be a big girl and keep her life in order, then she will have to understand that sometimes it is her fault and nothing she can do can change that. She can only be honest and tell the truth. Otherwise, she will continue to get in trouble constantly and be at battle with you and everyone else constantly.
i hope this helps.

I wonder if perhaps she might be feeling that she doesn't get to choose what she does and so (in the early elementary school logic) if she didn't get to choose what she has to do (go to school, do what teacher says, etc.), why should it be her fault when she does something wrong? Maybe it would be worth a try to describe her responsibilities in terms of choices, i.e. "You can start working on your homework now or in 10 minutes. If you want to start in 10 minutes, I'll set a timer and you'll need to stop what you're doing and start your homework"

This is common in children, though it is worse with some kids.

Some kids who deflect blame actually do feel guilty, and they are trying to avoid their own bad feelings as much as they are trying to avoid consequences. Learning to deal with the guilt after she's done something is a matter of self discipline, just like controlling herself from doing it in the first place...
Also, I think kids see things black-and-white, so they think only one person can be at fault, and they don't want it to be them. It may help to teach your daughter that when more than one person is involved in a problem, it usually isn't just one person to blame. She can say "WE", which is a little easier than saying "I", and is more honest than saying "SHE". That would be a step in the right direction.

Hi J.
How is her school work? Is her reading good for her age? I ask because my daughter was and sometimes still is like yours but it gradually improved after she was diagnosed for dyslexia and given intensive tutoring for it. I think that not doing well in school was already too hard for her and she could not accept not doing everything else right. Once she understood that her reading difficulties were not her fault and as her schoolwork improved with the tutoring, she was able to deal with other things in a more rational way. I don't know if this will help, but just a thought. Sometimes people think everything is a passing thing but many kid's actions have underlying reasons that are worth discovering. My point is, there might be something causing her to feel very insecure about her performance in general and she feels she has to "cover up" her mistakes by blaming someone else for them. If you can discover what is making her feel this way, then you can address that to hopefully make her more responsible for her actions.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

I agree with Rae's take, and I'm wondering if when you "correct" her, you are doing it too strongly.

Example: My mother was always very critical of me when I was a child and made me feel like a "bad" person. When she told you something you did wrong, you felt like you must be the devil incarnate. The other day my mother was talking about someone's young child who stole something, and she said that one time when I was 5 I stole my friend's doll clothes. My mother then talked to me for a half an hour about why it was wrong. I was thinking as she told me this story: No wonder I felt like a bad person. All she needed to say to a 5 year old is "Honey, we don't take other people's things," and then return the stuff to the girl. I didn't need a half hour lecture, making me feel like Hitler.

So...just calmly and simply tell your daughter whatever you want to say in one or two sentences, so she doesn't feel like she is bad and has to defend herself.