Sudden Behavior Changes

Aww, I thought I would post a reply, but then I read Nervy Girl's answer. Fortunately I consider myself intelligent enough to know when to shut up and simply appreciate the insight and wisdom of others.

So, 1000 flowers to Nervy Girl.

As a former nanny-- it's just common for this age. Most kids around this time get pretty "glom on mom" in behavior.

I always worked with the children by giving them a lot of positive attention through touch when I saw this happening. This means that, whenever the child is engaged in something they are enjoying (which is not a problem for you), take a moment to give non-verbal reassurance. (We call this a demonstration of 'being love', which is that we love and affirm them just for being. Not special-snowflake stuff, rather it fulfills the requirement of being loved just for who they are. This is stated in Mazlov's Heirarchy of Needs.)

Here's an example: when your son is engaged in playdoh, say, or building with blocks or coloring...anything he's doing just for his own fun, give a gentle pat on the back, rub, gentle squeeze of the shoulder-- something non-invasive and positive. I generally do this from behind them, so I do not talk or ask for their attention. It's just a nice affirmation that A. you are aware of them and B. they are positively-perceived. I do this with my near ten year old now. He doesn't want so many hugs, but I can squeeze his shoulder while he's busy drawing or give him a kiss on the back of his head.

Also, keep in mind that he is at a developmental point where he's practicing communicating with you in exactly the same way we communicate with our infants and toddlers. Think of all the times you have said "Oh, look at _________!" and directed his attention to something *you* thought was interesting. As their language skills develop, you'll hear more and more "look!" statements/interactions.

Interrupting is a harder one to address. With my preschoolers, I had a simple set of two hand signals: One finger up, and one finger pointing. We repeatedly talked about this at gathering times to help reinforce this. I'd say "If I'm talking and you come to me to talk, I'll do this: (show one finger up, like a number one) One minute, please. And then, I'll point to you (point directly at the child) and you'll be next." This was a nonverbal way to address it. Sometimes, though, with my son at home, I'd schedule important phone calls into my day and put on a video or other activity to keep my son busy.

The deliberate disobedience is very common, and unless he's hurting you, I'd suggest that you keep this in mind. He's trying out boundaries/rules/consequences. AND he's likely wanting attention. So, again, positive attention for those good behaviors and those self-satisfying (as I mentioned before, when they are engaged in something which is not a problem for you).... that silent physical attention is great. When I'm trying to change a behavior, we try to do about 20 of those a day. Believe me, if you look for moments, you will find them! Good luck!

Added: A., the sleep changes can be a trying time for any family.
And-- thanks, Tadpole and Elena. I just like to share what I know has worked for us!

Lastly, hope no one interpreted this as suggesting we give constant undivided attention. There should be a few set times of the day for that, not *all* day. I just suggested doing phone calls when kiddo is busy/entertained because that's a common struggle for parents who want to give the caller their undivided attention. I've actually walked into the bathroom and closed the door in order to have a conversation with someone when Kiddo was interrupting. It's okay for them to cry a bit in frustration for a few minutes. I do like the other suggestions -- I think a variety of ideas for coping with this time are a great thing to keep in one's "parenting toolbox"... remember, too, as you change your responses, give him time to learn how to change his, okay? :) Don't just decide that because something didn't go as planned the first time that it 'doesn't work'. It's just like teaching them to ride a bike--- they have to practice it many times before they get the hang of it. And you will, too, so that you don't feel uneasy or guilty about not being constantly "on". It's all a process. Once he gets this down pat, it will be something else you will find challenging!

Sounds like a setback. Would help to know what age and if anything has recently happened to change his behavior. An illness, etc. Reassurance is usually all that's required unless he's got an ear infection or something that would make him more clingy.

Having your undivided attention isn't good for him. He's learning that tears make you do anything he wants.

Since he's stopped taking naps and had life changes with dad I think he's probably exhausted and feels abandoned by dad. He is likely holding on to you to prevent you from leaving him too.

Please consider having someone babysit him a few times per week so that he can get used to other people. When you are the only person he sees he will become overly attached and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to stop. Not saying he needs to go to pre-school and spend 8 hours a day there. I'm saying that when you need to go buy a few groceries leave him with someone that has kids his age. For an hour or so. Develop friendships and activities outside your home so he is around other people.

Talk to dad too, let him know that on the weekends he needs to do some one on one time with kiddo and that you need to do things as a family for hours each day off. This cements his relationship and place in the family unit. It will help him feel secure.

what nervy girl said. read it again. as thats my answer too!

This is very typical - they do go through phases, and not all of those phases are pleasant! No longer taking naps usually means you are in for a 6 month period of an overtired kid with limited stamina, especially at the end of the day. With your husband not around much, your son is probably clinging even more to you.

Nervy Girl has some great ideas. I do think using some hand signals for the interruptions is a great idea. There's a way to say "I hear you and acknowledge your presence" without actually speaking to him or saying, "Go ahead and interrupt."

That said, I don't think it's wise to give him your undivided attention. He's 3. He can learn to defer some of his needs, or to come along with you. If he wants to be with you, great. I'm a big believer in involving kids in the chores instead of hiding them by only doing them when the child is asleep. A child can help put the wet laundry in the dryer or put the fabric softener sheet in, and can match socks (make a game of it) or fold underwear and washcloths (even if you have to re-fold later on!). A child can put the soap in the dishwasher cup even if you have to put it in a little container first. A child can match Tupperware kids and bowls. A child can put wooden spoons and plastic spatulas in the counter container even if hold it down where he can reach it. A child can put the paper towel or toilet paper cardboard core into the recycling. Do you see where I'm going with this? It's great if a child can see this as "stuff a family does" rather than "work Mom has to do because Dad is gone 60 hours a week and which is her job because she 'doesn't work.'" Let him know he's welcome to come with you and that you will enjoy it, rather than convey (to his 3-year-old brain), "I don't have time for your toys because I have grown-up chores to do which take me away from you."

You can also consider a game of hide & seek periodically, which helps them see that Mom hasn't disappeared totally, is just in the other room (or the closet or behind the door).

Our son seemed to suffer with separation anxiety from about 6 months to about 3 1/2 yrs.
He'd follow me all over the house - always wanted to be in the same room with me.
For awhile I couldn't even go to the bathroom for a minute without him crying like his little heart was breaking.
We got through it.
It was exasperating sometimes but it's a very common stage.

It would definitely help to know how old he is.

It's normal for kids to go through stages of being more needy and wanting more attention. Do you have times where you let everything else go and just hang out with him? Perhaps if you set aside a period of time (20 minutes or 1 hour of whatever) to just be with him, he will be more ok with you telling him that you need time to finish the dishes or clean the bathroom or whatever.

ETA - My boys definitely went through stages when they were more needy than at other times. I tried to make sure we had some quality time together each day. When our youngest was feeling needy, it was usually because my school break was over and he was spending more time at daycare. He was the one who would come to our bed in the middle of the night. We saw the pattern. It was always the first two weeks of my new semester :-) Then he'd go back to sleeping the whole night in his bed. He's 7 now, and comes to our bed maybe 3 times a year!

It's exhausting sometimes, because mom's need space, too! Hang in there, because this will pass.

This is your child? Your husband? Your dog? Age?

Nervy Girl is giving you good advice, but so are Granny and Diane. You can't let him rule the roost by having your undivided attention all the time. Look at it this way - if you are constantly letting him manage you, he will feel like he has to. And then he will start to do the same with other people. The world doesn't work that way.

Making him wait while you are washing dishes etc is good for him. "Just a minute, honey. Mommy is working." Or "Come to Mommy" instead of going to him. Once he is used to not napping, institute more time that he entertains himself. And he really DOES need a consistent bedtime.

Your husband needs to spend time with his son. Tell him that the 60 hours a week needs to change. Some people have to learn to work smart rather than long.

After things seem to calm down a little, get a babysitter for a few hours at a time so you can get some chores done, and so he can get used to being with someone else. If something happened to you and you were in the hospital, he would HAVE to, and you need to help him transition to the idea.