A little background; she's got an 8 yr old half sister that doesn't live with us and I try to to let her play too much with the neighbor kids because they have bad attitudes and are generally brats. With that said she's usually a good girl, but all of a sudden she couldn't care less what she's told to do. You tell her not to do something she's got a retort on why it's ok, or "well I was..*insert excuse here*" or she just flat out ignores me. I despise repeating myself more than twice and she knows that. I've read the out-dated Dare to Discpline and I it doesn't fit us at all. But I am at my limit! I hate having to yell and scream and threaten to take things away from her but it's the only thing that seems to work. I'm thinking about making a chart with her behavior on it again (had one a while ago and it worked but after we finished the chart and she was better we didn't make another one.) She questions authority and when you try to explain to her what she did wrong and why she shouldn't do it she always comes up with "I just wanted to tell you something!" excuse that's really starting to p* me off. She starts school on the first of the next month and I'm worried that she's going to be getting sent to the office all the time. Help??
You are talking too much. Just calmly give her consequences and follow through on them. Don't yell and scream and threaten, just calmly take the thing away from her.
I don't think she will do it at school.
My DS (5.5 yrs) went through a (hopefully) phase like this not too long ago. I shut it down pretty quickly.
Here's what I did:
The moment he said something sarcastic/snotty/disrespectful, I calmly put my hand up (Not right in his face but kind of like a 'whoa there' sort of gesture). Then I would say something like, "Hold on a minute...I think that you just sassed Mommy...Surely you didn't sass Mommy? Because if you did, then I am not even going to ______ (give you an answer to your question/consider your request/speak with you right now). Would you like to try again?" The key is to do it very calmly, but sternly. It's also okay to remind your child, "It's not very nice when you speak to me that way. It makes me feel sad. I know that you can do so much better. Show me that you can!"
One thing that I've learned from teaching is that it is all about the expectations. Make a habit of expressing to your child that you *know* she can do ______. Give examples, "why just the other day, you spoke so kindly to me when you had a question about _____." Then follow up with the inevitable question that puts the ball back in her court, "Can you show me my polite girl?" or "Can you work on that for me?", etc.
Careful about behavior charts. I'm not knocking them, but they can so easily become a crutch. I teach high school level students, so it's not really something I use, but I'm not comfortable with excessive use of them even for my young children. You want to teach and praise your daughter in such a way that her PRIDE is boosted by speaking kindly to others. You want her to know inside that how she speaks to others will make a difference with how others will treat her in turn. You DON'T want her to only speak nicely because she is getting a treat/toy/reward out of the deal.
Good luck!
I noticed this change in my son at 5 also. He was so easy to deal with at 4-- so innocent. Then 5 came and the testing behavior. I kept thinking, "what happened to that sweet 4 yr old that used to live here?" We use the 123 magic approach which is usually effective. I always make sure there are big hugs and a chat after the time out.
I think it is a pretty typical phase though. At school there is peer pressure to behave and a good teacher will deal with that behavior swiftly and effectively.
I think it's a 5 yr old thing. Many almost-5s in our social circle are trying on their big girl pants, much to the annoyance of their parents. Try something like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. My DD will also say, "But I wanted to tell you...." so I am working on helping her to wait for an appropriate moment. I try really hard to remember to go back to her if I've put her on hold. I realize the frustration. I totally do. Try not to yell at her. Try teaching her how to get heard without driving you crazy. Try to give her appropriate independence.
My DD is in summer school and hasn't been sent to the office yet and does these things. So don't worry too much.
Once, when my kids were younger and being brats.... I told them in a real direct calm voice "is that the kind of person, you want to be?".... pause. Then I said "Is that the kind of person, that you think is cool?".... pause. Then I said, "That's the kind of person you are being, right now. Do you want to be nice to yourself, or make yourself an 'ugly' person... like people you don't even like yourself?"
Pause.
Then I walked away.
I let them mull over it.
Kids, need to be able... to self-reflect. Not just be reactions... to things/people/situations.
They have to learn... to think, about WHO they are. And be themselves, and learn to choose.... the person they want to be or not. Or if they are just going to be followers.
A young one may not get it instantly... but over time and by the time they are 10 years old, they will get it and realize.
So practice it.
Not through yelling or just punishments.
Teach them "how" to think... how to self-reflect. And how "who" they are, makes a big difference, about who and what they are.
Sometimes, all I have to do with my kids is ask them "Is that the kind of person you want to be ?" And then I walk away.
They know, EXACTLY, what I mean.
And they later come and apologize to me.
They also know, that being moody/mad/or whatever is fine... but it is HOW you express it, that also makes a difference.
Mean or nice.
Remain calm, state the command once. if the appropriate response is not achieved, remove privelage or what ever you feel is necessary.
I'm in the, " do you want to rephrase that, try again, etc. approach." It seems to work. I also just point blank tell her, " you do not talk to mommy that way."
Dont worry about school, teachers dont have have time to yell and scream and listen to arguments and discuss why you need to change your attitude and is that really an appropriate way to talk to a teacher. They will spend the first month stating, teaching and reinforcing the rules. They will discuss why rules are important at the beginning of school, and maybe again after winter break. That's it. Any more and the kids will tune out. After that consequences should be swift, QUIET, and consistent. "You're doing ____. You'll have to go back to your seat." "You just ______. You'll miss five minutes of free choice time." (much more effective when at school then at home because she'll be watching all her peers continue the activity without her. Have you read 1,2,3 Magic? I love the whole premise that you dont talk to a child as if they were a teen who needs the why of disciplining, but you dont treat them as if they are unable to learn a few basic rules and need them explained over and over. Tell her you will be working on rule following at home for the next few weeks. Post a few broad rules using positive wording instead of "don't sass your mother" write "talk politely to your family" try to keep the list short "Follow directions" includes, put away toys when told, brush teeth when told, come to dinner on time etc. Now the hard part lies on You not her. Tell her the rule she is breaking only once!! sounds easy but it is hard. Once you have said "talk politely" you do not need to explain what that means (explain when you post it, that's it, she needs to use her brain to figure it out.) Do not repeat yourself, if she continues, hold up one finger, then two, then send her to her room. NO discussion. No repeating, the more you repeat the more likely you are to start yelling, the more you explain the more you get frustrated. at five it can be cuz here's the rules, not why you shouldn't do it.
I second AV's suggestion: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Communication must happen in both directions. I've used this wonderful process with my grandson since he was about 2.5 (he's now 5 years older), and it has been wonderful. We have a mutually respectful, cooperative and loving relationship, and that's not because he's a special angel. We just get each other, most of the time. He does challenge adult authority sometimes, and that is totally human and normal.
Your daughter will probably behave better at school. She won't know how to push the teacher's buttons, at least for awhile, and most teachers have some excellent practices in reserve for problems students, should problems arise. Wishing you the best.
There's definitely a developmental shift around this age. They are trying for sure! I have one too.
I have an almost 5 year old son that is very similar. I think it's a developmental stage (my neighbor's daughter is a couple of months younger, and her mom says she is doing the same types of things). Lately we have been telling him he will lose his favorite game if he doesn't stop xyz. He has lost it many times recently, but normally after losing it he will chill out for a day or two. Normally it just works as a good reminder, and he doesn't actually lose it, but straightens up. We always follow through with what we say, so when he loses it, it's really gone that whole time.
