Struggling with Working Full Time Outside the Home

Many people have shown that it is possible to put one's child first, before desires of better houses, better cars, many cars, and all the other things that people spend money on before making their children a priority. We did without cell phones, eating out, tv, new cars, new electronics, new clothes, vacations, fancy makeup, etc. etc. etc when we were on one small income. It can be done. Expensive houses can be sold. If it's important enough to you, you'll make it happen. Good luck!

My heart goes out to you. It is a BIG stuggle when you have to work full time. I've seen lots of Moms out there who were planning to work after having their child. They blithely told me, "yeah, I'm going to be working full time." Then after they had the child, they rearranged their priorities and stayed home, which in my opinion is the best option. They realized that their love and bond with baby was more important than an illustrious career.

Even though it's the best option, it's not always possible due to financial constraints. Kids gotta have clothes, we gotta have a place to live and we gotta eat. What can you do. Minimum wage is a minimum homeless wage in my opinion. When I was a teenager (a LONG time ago) you could survive on minimum wage - AND have a place to live. Now you can barely make it on 50,000 per year!

After I had to go to work with my oldest son, I was heart broken every day. However, it does get easier, and kids survive in spite of what life throws at us, and they still turn out OK. My son is 20 and he's fine. About 20 years ago I heard on the radio that if the child knows Mom WANTS to be with him and she goes to work, he does better than the mom who WANTS to be at work and not at home.

I guess it boils down to - LOVE is the most important thing in life. Families survive due to love. My grandmother also had to work to support her 3 kids and they did OK (my Mom's mom).

If you look at the world (I love to watch foreign films) it's only few people who actually have the life they want, and I thank God we're here not in some other God forsaken country. At least we have that.

God bless you. Maybe in the future you'll be able to stay home with your daughter. Working full time makes you make the most of the time you have available.

One thing that has really helped me is the quote: "It takes a village to raise a child" and remembering that in many cultures many people contribute to child-rearing, while moms are hard at work. I have also appreciated the relationships my children have had with their wonderful care providers, and as they have gotten older, I am grateful that we can afford things like art camp, that we would not be able to if we were on a single income.

My daughter is now 23 so I've been down the road you're about to travel.

You are so very fortunate to have your Moms there to help raise your daughter.

The tug of being a Mom is very, very strong. In the scheme of life 18 years is really not a very long time. You blink, and your daughter will be in school all day. Without knowing the details of your financial situation (I'm not asking) perhaps you and your husband can make adjustments that you can work part-time and still be there for your daughter and all of her activities.

Jacqui, there are no easy answers. However, I do know that you can't be a supermom and try and be all things to everyone. The only person who will lose is you. Your feelings of resentment is just an assesement of how you feel some days. Don't deny them, it doesn't mean you hate your life, although you will get lots of email berating you for your very honest feelings. Acknowledge that some days life "sucks" and move on ^j^ You'll be amazed how using that phrase or something similiar allows you to get it off your chest and continue the day!

You and your hubby working together are going to have a great life. E.

There is always the possibility of starting your own home-based business. Many people have been able to successfully transition from working outside the home to working from home.

If you use your imagination you can probably think of something you can do. There are lots of possibilites from being a consultant in your current profession to crafts, day care, pet boarding, being a distributor or independent rep for a company whose products you like, home based travel agent or some other type of internet business.

In all honesty, it is not likely that you would be able to quit your full time job right away, but with some effort and time you could probably cut back to part time within a year or so and eventually replace your full-time income.

You can often get by with less income from working from home because you usually will be entited to some tax breaks on your income tax, you will usually have reduced transportation costs and often other costs as well like clothes and even food since it's easy to quickly put something on the stove or in the oven for dinner when you are at home instead of stopping and picking up more expensive quick to fix convenience foods or take-out on the way home.

I am a distributor for a candle company and we have many success stories of moms (and dads, too) who were able to build their business, quit their jobs and work from home to be with their children.

I hope you find something that works for you whether it be staying with your job or finding a way to stay home.

I went back to work when my son was 10wks old. From early on I knew I would have to go back to work, we looked at our financial needs and knew there would be no choice. With that in mind, I walked back into work with a smile on my face. If you have to work, then you still have choices about how you deal with it. You can smile and have the attitude to enjoy and appreciate your job or you can be upset and depressed about it. Either way, you still have to work. You will be a much better mom if you have a positive attitude. The upset attitude will spill over into the rest of your life. Make your choice and act on it.

One of the best gifts I gave myself was accepting the fact that my son can thrive with someone other than me during the day, he has learned so much from his daycare environment that I could never teach him. With that knowledge I am more effective in my job and as a parent.

I was in the exact same situation with my son. I guess I justified it to myself that at this time in his life, it served him better to be in daycare and preschool to learn how to socialize and get along with others. Then I made a 5 year plan to be able to work part time once he starts kindergarten so that I could be home with in the the afternoons. Initially, Ethan was in a small in home daycare (all my relatives live out of town). then once he was potty trained at age 3, I moved him to an all day Montessori preschool. He really learned a lot socially and mentally. He will start kindergarten in 3 weeks and is already reading and doing basic math. My husband and I have adjusted our budget over the last 5 years and I have already cut my hours to 30/wk starting this month so now I will get off of work at 1:30 everyday and will be able to pick him up and be with him. No more daycare. I feel that school age is when he will really need his mom around more and involved in his activities. I now will have time to help with school so that I can meet the other kids, teachers and parents and will really be aware of the influences and challenges that he will face in grade school. Yes, I did have many guilty moments of having to work , especially when he was sick or when I would miss an activity at the school. I just made my evenings and weekends really count. (so what if I have a messy house for 1 more week as I was at the park all weekend!!). So my advise is to make a plan and a budget so that once your daughter starts kindergarten, that maybe you can cut back your hours and be able to say goodbye to daycare. Remember, years from now, your child will not remember that you could not stay home with her, instead, she will have memories of the friends she met at daycare/preschool good times that you were able to spend with her on the weekends

I know SO well the 'flavor'' of this feeling -. So - here's what you CAN do - . You can create yourself to be a Mom who is there - even when you are at work. NOT by calling every hour - or encouraging the other care givers to do so ( oh, you are so blessed- which CERTAINLY does not make your frustration one bit easier).

So here's 3 suggestions - and as a many-decades parent and preschool teacher -- I'll just keep on sending ideas as long as you want them---
1. draw happy faces on her snack bag ( brown paper lunch bags can hold a special snack - or just the knowledge that ''your Mommy chose THESE crackers for you''') she will soon learn that THAT funny drawing is something MOMMY did
2. make a recording of some stories that she likes - or rhymes or songs inyour voice to be played before she takes a nap --- or at her request whenever she wants 'em.
3. Bring her little nothings from work--- a place mat that had a picture you thought she'd laugh about --- a ribbon you saw for her favorite dolly--- NOT expensive stuff - just little reminders that she and you are not in the same building all day AND you are still together.
4. Have her help put together pictures of herself for a ''mommy board'' and take her to your workplace some evening or weekend and have her '''help''' you hang it up where you work-.

sorry, that was 4 --- lololol--- blessings --

J.

I feel your pain.....on a different slightly scale. I work part-time for UPS the swing shift (only 4 to 5 hours), but with my hubby going back to school and he isn't working -well, I am forced to get another part-time job to make ends meet. So, I went back to retail in the morning. So, basically - I'm back to pulling 12 hour days again...but this time it's very difficult due to not only juggling myself, but making sure my son is fed and taken care of for the day while I am at work and hubby is at school. I have a family to make sure that I am taking care of and relying more on my husband for house cleaning and the appointments as well. So, I am having to really trust my husband to follow through with everything. I am just trucking through it and only keeping in mind that it is about only a year that I have to sacrifice my time and self away from my baby (he's 2 1/2 now). But what's really hard is trying a new routine and dealing with my son crying for me and pulling on my leg when I leave and he doesn't want me to go. Fortunately we have the support of family to take care of him...Thank You God. I am hoping that our sacrifice will pay off in the end. Good luck - it's hard. But we are very strong. Just keep your head up and keep on truckin'.

J.-

I work full time and I have two tiny girls in day care. It is hard, organizationally (getting everyone out the door is a challenge), but it helps to keep in mind that by working, you are showing your daughter that women/mommies are part of the working world. We tell our daughters that they can be anything they want to be, but we have to show them, too. You are helping yourself as well. Staying in the work force means you will be better prepared if (heaven forbid!!) anything should happen to your husband. Many women support their families all alone and have no choice about it. No way is the "best way," you just have to find the way that is best for your and your family.

You are also giving your daughter an invaluable gift of a closely bonded relationship with her grandmas. Not every child is lucky enough to have grandparents who are close by, and your daughter will be happy when she is older that she had a close relationship with her parents AND grandparents. Hang in there- you are your daughter's only mom, and you know what is best for your family!

Hi!

Sounds like you are being pulled to stay with your child. This is OK. You mention you couldn't do without your paycheck. I ask you.... Are you sure?

As a family we made the decision for me to stay home with the kids but we also realized that sacrifice would have to be made. We don't have cable TV service. In the beginning we sold my husband's expensive car and he rode a bike to work. Now that he can't he just has a used truck that has a tiny monthly payment. We rarely go out to eat, etc. So, we are on a very tight budget, giving up a lot of the things others take for granted but in return I have been with my children for the past 5 years. I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!!

If you want to be at home with all of your heart, you can find a way. Start with a budget. Figure out what you are spending your money on. Then find where you can cut. If you and/or your husband eat lunch out every day, start taking left overs with say one day a week for purchased lunch. If you dine out for dinner a few times a week...evaluate just how much that costs as opposed to eating at home. If you have two cell phones and a landline, lose the landline if you don't need it for an internet package. If you have cable, cancel it. You can still receive over the air stations for free and you probably either don't have time or could make better use of the time you spend watching TV. Track your grocery spending...and move to a meal menu. Have two weeks of meals you make regularly on a rotation and then only buy the ingredients for those meals. Weekend meals can be the exception to deviate from the meal cycle and add some variety. Menu plans reduce waste and time spent shopping and money. And if you plan ahead with a slow cooker or prep work, you will save cooking time as well. Do you have two car payments? Is there a way you can get rid of one by either paying it off or selling it and buying a more affordable car? How much do you shop for personal items? Are there areas you can cut back such as buying a less expensive brand of skin care or clothes for you or your daughter?

After you track your budget and make reductions where you can and track it again, see if you can get closer to living primarily on your husband's income or his and part time for you.

My husband and I had an advantage when we had our son in that we bought our home with the idea of living only on his income. So after our son was born, I was able to "easily" stay home, from a financial perspective. Making the adjustment to staying home with a child and not having a paycheck with my name on it and adult conversation and a meal without helping someone else eat was hard...but worth it. Now that my son is older and I have a daughter, I'm so glad I don't have any responsibilities in addition to caring for them. Yes, there are times I wish I had a newer car, or new carpet or could go out to eat more...but the joy and security and confidence my kids have is so worth it.

Think of this as a business challenge and see how you can operate the business of your household and family most efficiently and effectively. Even if you can't quit right away but if you save $200, 500, or even 800 a month for a year, you will have a nice chunk in the bank that could be used to supplement your income for a year or two if you went part time or quit.

Lastly...if you really want to be at home...you will have to give up something more than your job. Consider it as one more sacrifice that we as mothers are continually doing for our children. And as someone else wrote...18 years on the timeline of your child's life is but a breath...Lord willing. There will always be time to have more stuff of make a career, but you can't get these precious years back. My son is almost 7 now and about to start 1st grade and all I can say is "Where did the time go" and how does that HUGE foot belong to my baby? When my daughter is in school all day, I will have a part time job I can do 4-5 days a week while they are in school...so I can help with expenses but still allow me to be there for my kids. It is a "step" down for a college educated woman some might say...but it means more to me to be with my kids than what other people think...besides...I have a plan to make it work long term to give value to a whole new career. What you and I give up to day to be with our kids can be used to direct the careers we have later.

Hi J.,

I wouldn't consider yourself in a "situation"- Saddly most people can't afford to live on one income, J.. Those that do are either very very fortunate or have had to make a lot of sacrifices in regards to discretionary income.

But there are also the quasi's like me. I can't afford to not have a job. So instead, I wrote up a proposal to my boss about working 32 hours a week - which is legally considered full-time in the state of Oregon, not sure about Washington. That way, I kept my benefits. But yes, I did have to take a pay cut and have turned down two promotions to be able to have this arrangement.

So - in the last minutes you have to youself each day - before you fall to blessed slumber - think outside the box and you may find just exactly what you're looking for!

J.,
I feel your fustration and pain. I too work full time. I was only able to stay home with my son for 6 weeks. I am so very blessed to have my brother in law who does not work watch my son at our house.
My son who is now almost 2 is very comfortable with his schedual and how things are.
One thing that helps me is knowing he is well taken care of, an open communication with my sitter, and a schedual that my sitter sticks to with me. Another thing that helped me when he was a lot younger to make me feel like I was not missing everything, was telling my sitter "If he does anything new (ie a new word, walk suff like that at the dif. stages) please dont tell me. I want to witness it first for myself. This helped me feel like I didn't miss all thoes first things. And my sitter doesn't tell me unless I bring it up first.
I guess I would just tell you to cherish every momment because they go so fast and don't stress over the house. If letting the dirty dishes or laundry go for one more hour means I get that hour to spend playing with my son it's worth it.

Good luck and you aren't alone.

R.

What does your husband say? Would he support your decision? Could you go down to part time? I work part time and it is perfect. I also sell Avon so that helps out. I was a totally stay at home mom, but I was getting burnt out and wanted to go beck to work.

Hi, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm the main breadwinner, my hubby works part-time and runs a business from home. We co-share child duties and its all overwhelming. We don't have the luxioury of having the grandparents close enough to help. But we seem to manage. I'm on the fence regarding working. I need the adult interaction but would rather work part-time. I don't have it in me to be a full-time stay home mom. And the guilt both for not having that need in me and the guilt for not wanting to be at work fortime. I hear you!! You are not in the boat alone :) stay strong and good for you for avoiding daycare. S.

Hi there,

Well... I guess I'm here to offer a slightly different perspective from all the very valid one's that ppl have shared. Everyone's path through mamahood is their own. That said, from where I stand, take solice in the fact that based on my experience, you may again be VERY glad to be a FT workin' mama in a few months. I took almost a year off work, and went back 1/2 time (21 hrs, over 3 days). Even that was a bit much, though I was happy to be out of the house and have more $. Now my daughter is 19 months old and I'm back to working 35-40 hrs a week and LOVING it! I still love to spend time with my family but my daughter is SUCH a toddler. Between her totally developmentally appropriate boundary testing and the need for an at least semi rigid nap/food schedule (neither was true for us in the infant stage), I find more than 3 days a week at home to be TOO much for me. You are probably just around the corner from the stage we are at. A lot of talking, walking, "i can do it myself!", etc.. All involve a lot of mama patience and dilligence to what is healthy, entertaining, etc. I guess I'm saying my word of encouragement is that I am SO grateful to have time away from my child when I know that she is safe and happy too. Her needs come first, but as long as I know she's getting what she needs and wants (which I know your daughter is if she has grandparents and a loving Daddy to watch her when you're gone) the down time is important for me. I'm glad I stuck it out through the "i'm just so sad to be away from my baby" faze. Now I have a job i like that pays pretty well through the "aaahhhh, get me out of my house and a break from my Toddler!" faze. And, for what it's worth, I've talked to more than one mama of a toddler/preschooler who say the same thing.

Good luck, and I hope that helps.

Hi J.,
This is a difficult decision that many moms face. When my son was born, I didn't have a great job with bennefits, so the decision was easy, stay home. But then my son's father lost his job, so I had to go to work. I got a job at a daycare center so I could bring my son. I have always chosen to be home with my son as much as possible. We get by on less than if I worked full time, but I am with my son. I can work full time when he is grown up, he is only a child once, and I want to be there. Even now that I am a single mom, I try to be home with him. God has really blessed me to be so flexible in my work.

I don't know what your job is, or who you work for, but if you work on a computer, see if you can work from home as much as possible. I think is called telecommute. You may just have to go in a couple hours a day, or a couple days a week.

You are not alone! I am in the same position. I am the breadwinner of the family. I take some comfort in knowing that my in-laws take care of my daughter during the day, but it doesn't seem to get any easier. My daughter recently turned 2 and it seems like most days I would love to just stay home. I would love to only work part-time, but unfortunately that is not a possibility at the moment.

I completely understand your struggle. I get so angry at being away from my daughter, but understand it logically. I do love my job and the interaction with adults, but I miss my daughter every day and worry about missing out on moments in her life. I try to spend as much time as I can with her and am involved in a mom's group, which helps me to socialize her. I guess my only suggestion would be to maximize your time with her and enjoy every moment!

H.

I am right there with you! I am a bank manager and have a 2yr old boy and a 5mo old girl. My husband is in the USAF and currently stationed in CA. I stayed here originally to help care for my ill mom (who passed away when my daughter was 5wks old.) Like you, I can't afford to stay home, particularly with my hubby in CA. We are currently maintaining 2 households. We have been very careful to manage our finances so that we have not incurred debt during the 2.5 years that he has been gone. That long story is an example of why it is a very valid reason to work. To maintain financial responsibility and to have the resources necessary to take vacations and have opportunities. On only one income, many families are so severely financiallystressed that the environment is awful. Without that burden, you are giving your child an environment of strength and calm. I am certainly not saying that having money means that there is no stress in a household with children, but it is at least one less worry that you and your husband have to face. I hope that you can look at your job as a choice that you have made for your family. By working now, you are saving for the future and hopefully putting money away for a rainy day and retirement. (That will be a huge relief later!) Good luck to you!
B.

I've recently gone from being a sahm for over three years (working one day a week for fun) to working four days out of necessity. My husband is running a business from home so at least I know who's watching them, like you. It's only been three weeks but I miss the girls terribly. I've been a little bummed about being away from them so much and they don't like it either. But it is getting better, and it truly is easier working than being home full time! Plus it makes me happy to know that my husband knows how hard it was those years, revenge lol :)

J.:

I am a stay at home mom,but this only happened after I had my second child. It is tough financially sometimes, but I would not give away the benefits that I see through my children's learning process and growth. I do Arbonne on the side-makeup, body care, dieting, etc. I have to say that it is very rewarding, however, it is not a get rich quick scheme. It takes work and I squeeze it in when I can. I typically do 2-3 parties a week (some from my home-open house), and then I work retail 20 hours a week to make the rest of my money until Arbonne picks up. I have to say that eventually, I'll be able to quit retail, but I enjoy what I'm doing.

It sounds like you have a great set up though, and if this is your goal to stay at home, please check out Arbonne.com, and look at your finances and see where you can cut. Again, it is not a get rich quick thing like Mary Kay or Amway or any of those jewelry party's people throw. But my up-line has a great sense of how to get you there fast.

With 2 kids, I would have ended up paying over $2000 a month for daycare, which to me is unreal, and I refuse to pay that. However, with the Grandmother's taking care of your child, and depending on if you can really cut or not in your budget (like we only own 1 car), then that will be a huge factor.

If you can't, just remember that the Grandma's have it under control and be grateful for family. I have none here. We are doing this together and with no family. I have to say though, Oregonian's are true and a great group of people. I have a lot of friends that are good to my kids and that can give us a break here and there. They all work during the day though, so no daycare options.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted what you decided.

Kim B.

Hi J.,
Many of us know EXACTLY how you feel. It's unfortunate that as mothers we have to choose between being home with our children and working away from them to help support the family. It seems like a catch 22. I got tired of being in that position and decided to start my own business that would allow me to CHOOSE my own hours (not multilevel/direct sales). I hire women exactly like you, who want to be home and be able to determine how much time they want to spend away from their family. I also contract with other female entrepenuers who have decided to start their own business so they could feel like they had control of their own lives. If you would like to check us out go to www.moderndaymommies.com and look under "employment."
If you want to talk I am also a life coach. I can help you figure out how to get control of your life again so you can be home with your beautiful baby and still be able to thrive financially.
Sincerely,
T. Dupuis
Owner
Modern Day Mommies

I'm not sure if I have any advice or words of wisdom, but I understand your situation. I've worked full time from the time my son was 7 weeks old and it was the abdolute hardest thing I've ever done to leave him. My husband and I also both have to work full time and it's been a struggle for both of us. All I can say is that your daughter will always know that you're her mommy and she will always love you...I have found that I let a lot more things go that aren't really that important (keeping a super clean house, following a strict schedule, etc.) because my time with my children is more precious to me than any of that. I also was able to work a flex schedule so I have one day a week off which has really helped. And to be honest, now that my son is two, I think he enjoys being at daycare and he has grown so much from what he has learned there. We never had problems with seperation anxiety or anything like that and he is such an outgoing little guy. Hang in there and I'll be praying for you!!

If it is becoming important for you to stay home, find a way. You could do a daycare or medical transciption. Look in to it. Figure out exactly how much you would have to make to supplement your husbands income. (BUT don't forget the extra benefits: health, 401k, etc.)

I really think you should follow your heart. Kind of where there is a will there is a way. I went back to work when my son was 4 months old. It was a different shift from my husband, so no childcare needed and we thought we needed both incomes. I was so miserable I actually got depressed. So, my husband and I sat down figured out our budget, and I found some work that I can do from home on craiglist.com. I resigned after only two months back. We might be living without a few of the luxuries right now, but I feel right in my soul with our decision. We find we spend a lot less then we thought we would. We use a lot less gas, I am a careful bargain shopper and we rarely eat out as I have discovered cookbooks:-)!

I am not saying that everyone can make is work, but if you really want to and your husband is on the same page. I bet you can at least cut your hours back.

On a side note, my sister just had a baby three weeks ago. When we went to coffee the other day so asked me why I hadn't told her about how conflicted she would feel about going back to work. We talked about the fact that no mom can explain it to another mom until they have their own children, how much it will change you. My sister is one of the most career driven women I have ever met. She has been married for years and they never planned on having children. Yet, I see already how much it has changed her. I know she will make the decision that is right for her family, just like I did and every women does. There is never a one shoe fits all. We just have to love and support one another and women and mothers.

Hunny, let me tell you, you aren't the only one. I'm right there with you. My fiance is actually unemployed at the moment so he stays home with the kids, but when he does find employment, it's hard. I actually have a job interview for a night shift position, which will be nice because I will be home with the kids during the day (hopefully I'll get some sleep). Sometimes I wish that my fiance would get a job that would allow me to stay home. I've been working since I was 15, and I wouldn't mind finally getting supported. Hang in there and remember that you are working because you care about your family and you are doing what you can to keep a roof, put food on the table and put presents under the christmas tree! Don't feel down, and cherish the time you have with your children when you are at home...even if it means youre so tired you can barely move!

Hi J.,
Like others have mentioned, there are many options out there that can supplement your income so you don't have to work full-time, or completely replace your income so you can stay at home with your daughter. It is a matter of finding the option that will be a fit for you an your family. I am a consultant w/ Arbonne International, a Swiss Health and Wellness company that allows Moms just like you the option to stay at home w/ their families. I partner w/ those on my team as they grow their Arbonne business. It is very family-friendly and you will build amazing relationships with positive, energetic people. For more information, go to my webpage at www.nursekerry.myarbonne.com.

Hello J.!

I am surprised that only a few of the responses so far have suggested to look to making an income from home! I run into so many moms like you, and am one myself. I used to work in a corporate setting, but now I am a Director with Tupperware and LOVE helping women find that they can have the best of both worlds. Many moms on here recommend cutting out so many extras like eating out, getting out nails done, etc, but so many of these things are what keep us sane and healthy.

I have a 3 month old, and we do a mommy & me exercise class several times a week, I am able to breastfeed about 80-90% of the time, and see him grow up and change every day. Yet I still make $2,000-$3,000 a month, and he gets "Daddy & Jacob" time when I go out a couple evenings a week and do parties. This is not anything that unusual - there are MANY moms out there doing this. It's NOT some "scheme" - it still takes work and juggling but here I am at 11am checking e-mail and doing my business while he is sleeping - it is wonderful! Anyone can give it a try for a few weeks, and it can even be done on the side of your current job. (I did it on the side of my corporate job for 2 years before I realized what a goldmine I was sitting on and quit the "day" job.)

To check out your options, please, I strongly encourage you to visit www.dswa.org (Direct Selling Women's Alliance). You can also visit my website at http://my.tupperware.com/S.

Best of luck to you! You are doing a GREAT job and it is obvious how much you love your little girl. ~S.

Hi J., I am late responding to this as I was on vacation/business trip with my family for 3 weeks! Just now getting caught up at home and on emails. I just want to encourage you to look into a home based business you can work around your family. I sacrificed much in material things to stay home with mine thus far but in the last 4 years have been working a home based business which I am very passionate about because the products and business are so life changing for people who use them and who do the business. Also it has been a great avenue for personal growth for me. The co-founder of this 20 year old company was a latch key child and wanted very much to make this business plan pay well enough for moms to stay home and raise their children and be able to contribute to substantially if they choose to the household income.
It is not well know in western WA yet but is in 2 growing industries: the wellness industry and the direct sales industry. (Although very unlike typical sales!) Anyway if you want to check into it I would be happy to get you more information via the web and phone initially to see if you want to learn more) Let me know. ____@____.com

Hi J.,
I am a single mother of 4 children. I have had to work since my first was born and felt like you on many occasions. I took the opportunity to stay at home when me and my signifigant other parted ways. I found myself struggleing to do what was offered at day care. Offer other children to play with, reading, learning, creative and healthy snacks and lunches and making the routine of it all important. I tell you, day care providers have awesome routines and resources and ideas I could not compete with. They also offered group activitites and games etc. that I had little to no way of providing and before I knew it, I went back to work. Now, my situation may have been a little different, but sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side, then when you get to the greener grass and look where you were standing...It was like a tropical paradise compared to the grass you're standing in now. So all I can say is know that having children in day care offers them opportunities they would not otherwise get.

I am a single mother of 4 wonderful children. My oldest is 14- and my youngest is 4. I work 30 hours a week for now while summer is here, but ususally I work 40.

What has helped me is to acknowledge that there is no 'perfect' solution - any option available has costs, and I just need to be honest with myself about what those costs are, and decide which costs I'm willing to pay.

My kiddos are older now - elementary school anyway - and I too went back to work after about 4 months, and I too love my job and rely on the benefits.

So in order to enjoy my job, I chose to send my kids to a daycare that in my opinion was superb. And I had to pay the price of missing them sometimes.

Of course a perfectly legitimate option was to forgo the challenges and resources that the job provided, so that I could spend the entire time with my children.

The choice and the costs are different for each and every mom. There is no perfect cost-free solution for any of us (and this is true for any life decision we make if we are honest). But I feel better when I choose consciously, rather than feel like I 'have' to do it any one way. And there are a lot of options that we may not consider on our own, so good for you for getting outside input.

All the best to you and your family.

I want to thank you for posting your request. I have an 11 mo. old boy and am going through the same thing right now. I have talked with friends who encourage me to give it a bit more time (things seemed to get easier for them around 18 months). Still, I struggle every single day. That said, I have watched friends and family struggle with depression because they are staying home. I spent the first six months at home full time and was starting to have some depression issues, myself, toward the end. So I am torn and I feel for you. I have an incredible job that is flexible and understanding and I don't believe that by working you are not putting your child first. I also believe that whatever decision you make will have heartache associated with it. Good luck and have faith that whatever thoughtful decision you make will be right for you and your family.

Hi J.,
I completely understand. I never thought that I would want to be a stay at home mom, but even though my son is 21 months I still ache every day that I can't stay home with him. I went to work FT when he was 10 weeks old. I hated having a machine squeeze milk out of me that my baby should be getting by himself, and all the other emotional agony that is hard to describe. But we are in the same situation, that my income is more than my husband's earning power, and there is no way we could live off of his $1500/month. Personally I even considered selling the house! But I don't think that would be good for us in the long run. So my husband quit work and went to school, so that at least he could improve his work prospects in the future. It'll be too late for me to stay at home with my baby, but at least we're trying to get my husband in a better situation.

Anyway one of the things that I've been wanting to get involved in is getting the paid leave act passed. It's a small drop in the bucket of what more civilized countries do (1 year paid parental leave, for each parent), but it's a step in the right direction. There is a group I think through urbanmamas.com working on it. Another thing I wish I could have gotten together is just starting a cooperative or conventional daycare (but not a home one, actually, I prefer the idea of a few adults around). But I didn't know I would feel like this. I thought everyone just put kids in daycare and felt fine about it unless they had a husband whose salary could cover everyone. WHile I'm glad for the women and men who insisted that women are valuable in the workforce, I think the feminist movement missed some things, like some human instincts. Now we have to fight for the right to be parents. I never really understood until I had a baby.... Anyway best wishes, and I hope that you find something that works for you.

Hi J.!

I am totally in the same boat as you. I work 36-40hrs/wk outside of the home and I HATE IT! I miss my DD and feel that I'm missing out on so much of her life. DH works FT, and like you, we would not be able to make ends meet on his income alone. While we're at work, my grandparents (who are in their 80s) take care of our DD. I, too, know she's in good hands.

Hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts!

H.

I'm in the same boat as you. I work full time as well as my Husband. I work swing and he works days so we share childcare with my Mom watching the kids for 2 hours between the start of my shift and the end of his. It's hard, and with school starting soon it will be harder because I'll lose sleep having to get up early to get my 2 girls off to school. I too go through phases where I resent my situation. I've been thinking about other options, wishing I could find something I could run out of my house...I don't know what I have to offer anyone besides labor! I don't think I'm very good at selling so I think that's not an option. I want to know how to balance work and home so no one is being slighted, especially the kids that never get to see much of me. There's no joy in going to a school conference and realizing you hardly know that child sitting in the chair next to you because you're not at home in the evenings to go over the day or homework. I welcome any advice!

Hi J..

I have had the privelege of staying home with my son since he was born (he's now 18 months old) but I will go back to work full-time next year after our 2nd child is born and about 6-7 months old. I'm looking forward to the social, financial aspects of it, but I'm already dreading leaving my babies!

My mom always worked 2 or 3 jobs when I was growing up and it was really tough for me. She was never able to come to my sporting events and very rarely managed to attend our school concerts. It took me MANY MANY years to realize that it broke her heart to miss out on all of these things. All I knew was that she wasn't there and I just figured she didn't care. I really like the suggestions made by Judy. Just that little extra effort can make a huge difference and help your daughter understand that you are thinking about her even when you are apart.

I say, let the dishes sit a little longer and who cares if you haven't vacuumed in two weeks? Spend that half hour down on your knees playing with your daughter and laugh. I promise you will feel better!

Take care,
J.

J.,

I totally feel with you. I also work 40hrs/week and while I like my job, in my heart I know it's not right to have my baby in daycare (and we have a great daycare where she loves going). I was not raised this way and never wanted to raise my child like this BUT we need my income and benefits and that's just that.

As I said I like my job, but in order to make it work I have scaled back my responsibilities considerably. I don't care if it impacts my career, but I do not work overtime under any circumstance, I don't take on projects that require overtime, I don't work or check emails at home and I don't take calls from work.
I order to make the time with my daughter more meaningful, I have stopped going to the grocery store and order online now (that saves me about 3-5 hours of driving around every week). During the week I keep household chores to a minimum and make a conscious effort to spend quality time with her after I pick her up (we go to the park, playground, etc).
I also wish it was different, but this is the world we live in, so I try not to resent it too much, but rather do the best I can to make it work out.
Hang in there! Hugs...

Being a full time working mom is hard. I was there just recently and my heart truly goes out to you. I went back to work full time when my 1st baby was only 4 months old, then I took some time off, and went back to work when my 2nd was only 3 months. And most recently left after working full time for two years with both kids in child care and becoming pregnant with our third.

Some of the things I did to keep my sanity was install Instant Messaging (of course with my supervisors ok) on my work computer. Once in a while I would IM my kid's care taker just to see how they were doing. It really brightened my day to be able to know they were okay and not feel so out of the loop.

I also would go to bed earlier so that I could get up two hours before work and just play with the kids. Sometimes we would go to Starbucks for coffee and then I would drop them after. The little extra time really did make it so much easier to get through the day.

I also would do crock pot meals, so that I spent more time hanging out with the kids and hubby instead of cooking.

You are doing a great job. It takes a lot of strength and dedication to work away from your little one. Keep your head up, you are doing what is best for your family!

You are in good company!!!! My second child is four months and I just returned to work full time last week. It is so hard! I spent a lot of last week crying. My job provides the benifits for our famiy too. I would not work, or just very part time if I had a choice, but unfortunately our current economy in America requires both of us working to get anywhere in life. I think being a working mom goes against our natural biology, which is where all the resentment comes from. My best friend said to me once years ago (when I went back to full time with my oldest) that the mommy guilt is just proof of how much we love our kids.

I'm there with you. It can be a struggle sometimes. I know for myself (and actually the father and I are seperated) I've been stashing money away like crazy every little tid bit I can so that hopefully I can sooner than later quit my job and stay home with my children. Fortunately for you you do have that additional income. Maybe if you could really stack away some money then take another spurt of leave.