I am an older first time mother. My son just turned one. He is starting to tantrum when he doesn't get his way, I usually wait it out, explain why he can't have whatever, and move on, distracting him with something else. I'm curious to know how others handle this with toddlers?
The issue I am really struggling with and have no idea how to handle is the "testing" If I tell him not to touch something, it is guaranteed that he will touch it. He will look at me, grin, touch it and then laugh. The more stern I sound the louder he giggles. I tried a 1 minute time out when he repeatedly touched the stove, and he sat through it. After it was over he ran right to the stove and touched it again. Now every time he comes in the kitchen he points his little finger and gingerly touches the stove and looks at me. I put him out of the kitchen, but when I'm in there a long time, he needs to be there with me.
I keep hearing that a one year old can't understand what no means, but he clearly can. Is this normal behavior?
Can anyone recommend books on toddler discipline? I see a lot by James Dobson but I have no interest iin his techniques for moral reasons. Any other good books on how to handle my strong willed toddler?
Try to tell him what you do want him to do instead of what you don't want him to do. If you tell a toddler not to do something they'll do it. This is totally normal and it's got something to do with the way their brain is wired.
I am an older first time mom too and you have just described my almost 1 year old daughter to a T!
Even though it doesn't feel like it, it is normal one year old behavior. We have already started using the Love & Logic approach. We have also started using Danger in place of No for situations that are more about safety. We are teaching that if we use No or Don't, she has the option to choose whether to mind us or not. With Danger, she understands that it could harm her and there is no negotiating. We've been using Danger for about 2 months and she is already aware of its implications.
normal toddler boy behavior. I had the best results with making the environment safe.. so they could touch things without getting in trouble..
distract them.. with something else..
it gets easier when they turn 3.
He's being normal. Learning boundaries. Most of the toddler years are spent with much repetition. Some things arent learned until they actually get "hurt"... and that's when Mom gets to say "I told you so...."
And trust me, it will happen.
fun times.
Ditto Amy J and Dawn.
Don't mistake his curiosity and learning for "strong will"!
Safety? Yes. Pop him right into his pack & play for a few minutes after you say NO TOUCHING the stove! It's HOT!
Don't let him touch the stove over and over.
But to just willy nilly tell him NO about certain things--well, that's how kids learn!
Sorry--no book reco's.
Yes, all normal.
I hear you on James Dobson, and I AGREE with your distaste of him morally...I don't like him either...but IRONICALLY, some of the best parents I know used is books. I haven't personally read them, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't tell you to teach your toddler to hate gays or anything...:) The reason his books stand out, is because they actually deal with disciplining kids rather than NOT disciplining kids like all the Dr Sears-type psychology books that basically tell you NOT to discipline your one year old. Actually Christian books are the best for discipline, I know of a few others too even though we are not Christians, I felt they were great. I'm assuming his are along those lines, but again, I did not read his.
Yes, your one year old understands. Yes, he can learn quickly with discipline. What gets a one year old's attention, sitting in a time out, or a pop on the butt? In my experience, a pop on the butt. I used this book, and it is AWESOME, I've got the three best kids I know including my third who was a born terror. She's now a sweet 2 1/2, but her most diligent discipline phase was 9 months thru 15 months, because she started tantrums and defiance so much younger than her older sibs. This book is great: "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson. I've never used a time out, never yelled, never been angry. My kids are 6, 4 and 2 1/2, and I take them everywhere and raise them alone.
If I told my toddlers not to touch something, they didn't. We never even child proofed. And they've never laughed in response to a firm direction. (but don't get me wrong, we joke and have a blast all the time-they just know that when I mean it, I mean it.)
If you go with any of the books that tell you to distract, redirect, ignore, and any other form of "not disciplining" toddlers...he's going to have completely terrible behavior by age three that will be difficult to deal with until at least age five. Promise. Unless he's super easy by nature.
I haven't read the answers you have gotten, but I sure will, because you totally just described my son! Especially with the touching and then laughing when you tell him not to. He thinks that is the funniest thing ever. No matter how firm I am, he just laughs and goes right on touching. Good luck.
"1-2-3 Magic" video. It will teach you to be consistent, to allow for your son's personality, & will give you peace of mind.
I've been using it for years now....& it has saved my sanity.
& I disagree.....children understand "no" before one year of age. I spend my days with a 9 month old...& she totally gets it. Whether or not she wants to cooperate is another matter. :)
Your child is not strong willed. There is nothing to try to control. He is exploring, and it's your job to teach him. And he will not spend the rest of his life testing you. it's what they are programmed to do, to gain indepedence.
They will do what you say not to do because they don't hear the not. In fact, please delete NO from your vocabulary, and work on positive talk (we sit on chairs, we climb on playgrounds, etc.). For things like pulling hair or biting, immediately drop the child and walk away. If he does it to another child, pick him up and say "we don't bite," and then put him in his crib just long enough for you to walk out of the room and then go back in. For stove touching, same thing. Don't talk, don't be stern, don't show strong emotion. He is trying to make a game out of things, so delete the fun and he will stop doing it. So don't react. Let him touch the stove, turn around and ignore him.
Whatever you do, do not make games out of things. When he wants you to chase him, turn around and go the other direction. Ignoring works really well.
With that said, when my toddler went to touch a stove that was on and was very hot, my immediately reaction (without thinking) was to grab him and slap his bottom. He never went near the stove again. He must have been about 16 months. I slapped his bottom one other time on instinct. I don't remember what it was, but it was very dangerous. Again, he never did it again.
With that said, spanking does not work. Kids do not have strong wills we need to break. They just need to be loved and respected. I am a big fan of Parent Effectivness training books. (How to talk so your child will listen)...Also,Elizabeth Pantley has a some great stuff on toddlers. But mostly, your job is to PREVENT. So come up with something else he can do when you are cooking. When he goes to touch something, ignore it, and use distraction.
I think it depends on the child.
Some children like any attention. Good or bad.
Some children are pleasers. They will do what you tell them, no questions, no testing.
Some are testers. And boy they will push it as long as possible..
Childproof what you are willing to do without, just in case it does get damaged.. It happens. If it is valuable to you.. put it away for the time being.
Be prepared to distract.. To pick up and move the child. And be prepared to say "We look with our eyes not with our hands".. a million times.
We also used to say, "you can play with (this toy), but not with the vase."
"We look with our eyes at the speaker, but we do not touch. Come play with the blocks. "
A mobile 1 year old is wanting to be free to explore EVERYTHING.
When our daughter was super interested in something breakable. I would hold it and let her look and "soft touch" it. It usually got it out of her system..
There are some children that this is not enough, they really demand to hold it themselves and carry it around.. For those families, things, really need to just be put away.. Nothing wrong with it, just easier for the child to not be tempted or frustrated and get into trouble all of the time. . ..
Telling anyone NOT to do something is a sure way to put the idea into their minds to try it out regardless of their age.
You have to become a master at telling them what they CAN do.
Redirect and distract away from the undesired activity.
We had gates on the kitchen doors till our son was 4.
If you can't gate off your kitchen, put him in a playpen or strap him into his high chair.
A kitchen is no place to play around because one of these day he's going to touch a hot stove and burn himself badly, and yeah, he'll learn his lesson but possibly be literally scarred for life.
I haven't read the other replies but just want to say that my 13 month old son is exactly the same way. He reaches for the knobs on the stove several times a day and every time I tell him in a stern voice "no, no, no". I know he is just imitating me and wanting to touch all the things that I touch. But I know he is learning and it is totally normal for him to do these things. So I am just being patient (some days harder than others) and continue to tell him "no" and move him away to something else. Distraction definitely helps. But believe me, I know that mischievous smile you mean like they know they are getting away with something and are cracking themselves about it! I try my best to stay calm but stern and on the inside sometimes I just laugh because he is so darn cute! (though other times I am screaming on the inside..) I have a 3 year old daughter and she was similar, though not as persistent, with outlets. So I know that it takes time and repetition...but that they do eventually get it. Just try to be patient with him. Just make sure you (or your husband or anyone else that may be with him) never laughs or says "no no" in a joking or playful way. Sometimes I need to remind my husband of that because otherwise the baby starts laughing even more.. Just wanted to say he is totally normal and that it does get better eventually. good luck!
My grandson did this at about 18 months touching the stove. I moved his hand he put it back. So I took his little hand in mine and swatted it good so it made a lot of noise and said in a stern voice, "No, danger!" He removed his hand and never touched the stove again. I didn't have to worry about him or the stove after that.
It is the way it is done that the child understands and the tone of voice. If you have authority sound in voice it clicks in their little heads but it you have your every day voice it doesn't click.
You have to find the sweet spot in parenting so that they know mom and dad are in charge and are looking out for me. You have to teach them the rules when they come home from the hospital. Let them know that they are safe and secure but that you don't cross mom or dad because one day what you say to them may save you from a life of misery. It's called trust.
Back to the question, your son is testing his boundaries and you have to make them firm by moveable.
The other S.
Trust me a one year old understands. Disciplining your child shows them you love them, you want to keep them safe, your setting boundaries, and teaching him right from wrong. Say no in a firm voice, not yelling just change your voice, if he does not listen then put him into the pack and play, or high chair and repeat NO TOUCH!!! Consistency will show him what you mean and that you mean business, pick your battles, do not overuse the word no. Know the difference between exploring and an absolute NO!! A saying I love when it comes to discipline is pick your battles and when you do make sure you win!!! Basically follow through once you take a stand, if you cave they will not take you serious. Consistency and Consequences always works. Good Luck
Love and logic. It's a challenge cause it's so different, but it's really interesting.
Mine cries whenever we use the word "no" or "know", even if its directed at someone else or the dog. He KNOWS what I mean, 'cause Momma only uses it if there's danger (like life or death). Ours is relatively good with the stove, but the printer is another problem. I've started telling him once a day (if he touches the printer) "the printer is not a toy. If you touch the printer, you will sit in time out with Momma.". He touches it, I pick him up, we go to another room and I hold him on my lap facing out and count slowly to 90. I've had to repeat this as many as 10 times in an hour, but with consistentcy, he is learning. Check out "Setting limits with your strong-willed child" (http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=strong+willed+ch.... It's mostly focused on older children, but has offered me some tips / ideas / hints of things I can do now to lay groundwork for the future. Good luck!
Check out a book " tears and tantrums". It helped me tremendously
There are many reasons for tantrums and many approaches . With my older daughter holding her while she had tantrums worked magic. With second one, it doesnt work at all. Sometimes there is some other problem that the kids transfer to other things, sometimes their feelings just overwhelm them. This book gave me many different tools and it's not too long either
He is only one, I would not stress too much about it. Just remove him from the situation and look him in the face and say "NO! HOT". At that young age, I taught my son not to go near the wood burning stove by holding him near it while he got really hot. That way, he could feel uncomfortable and knew what would happen if he touched it. He never did. "Positive Discipline in the Toddler Years" is a great book. It really helped redefine how perceived discipline. Discipline is not reactionary. We do not use "Time Out". It is useless in my opinion. I do say to my 4 year old that if he doesn't settle down then he will go in his room to cool off. Time out should be used as a way to refocus your child, not a punishment for not listening. And I take major offense with people who say Dr. Sears and AP parents do not discipline. I am firm and clear with my son about expectations. I do not need to punish my son because he knows what my expectations are. But he is now 4. He was not that way at 1 and certainly not that way at 2. You just need to be clear and consistant. Do not make any rules that you can not enforce. He is still a baby. Just remove him from the situation, say as few words as possible and redirect. He will get it.
