Stressed over Five Year Old Son

How is he doing in pre-school? Does he obey there? The first thing that came to mind was ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)...

wow... you have a lot on your plate. I'll share what I post when I hear concerns about younger kids acting out -- it's from the Portable Pediatrician book, and it's just that, as bad as things are, make sure that your son has your complete attention for 15 minutes each day. Bonus if it's the same scheduled time each day. For the 15 minutes, you sit on the floor with him, play what he wants to play, and do everything you can to just let him be him -- and that lets him know that, as rotten as his behavior can be, he (who he is, not what he does) is the apple of your eye.

I think it works like a reset button -- you get to say, for these 15 minutes I'm letting go of this avalanche of bad behavior, and re-connecting with this little guy; and for him, it's a chance to try out behaving well (he's convinced himself that acting out is the way to hold your attention, and he might be surprised when acting normal still gets your love & fun).

No parent can do this all day every day, and we shouldn't; kids need constant correction and good boundaries. But if he's constantly bumping against the boundaries, it doesn't leave times for you to give positive reinforcement. And he might be more willing to go to bed if he has that element of daytime structure & love -- according to the Portable Pediatrician, bedtimes are often a reflection of kids feeling their days are out of control or being anxious about their parent's love. (Not that you don't love him -- but we all get into ruts where we don't notice the love we're given.) You can also look at the book The 5 languages of love for kids.

Blessings on you. I hope the community online here can give you some support. You're obviously working really hard at this. Being a mom is never easy, but hopefully you find moments of relief!

When I had behavioral issues with my daughter (age 4), I brought it up with our pediatrician. I was at my wits end because she was totally disruptive to the family and my husband I were physically and emotionally drained. He referred us to family therapist and child psychologist. Most of the time acting out can be classified as normal, rotten behavior and then sometimes you may be dealing with something more serious like ADHD or ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Also, if he is anything like my daughter, the madder and more frustrated I get, the angrier and more emotionally out of control she gets. It can be a vicious cycle and I didn't know how to stop it. (We are still working on things). Good luck and keep us posted if you make any progress.

Hi, Meredith,
Do you have anyone that can give you a break with the children?

First of all, Take some deep breaths. You are not doing anything wrong! Did you hear this? You are NOT doing anything wrong!
Your son is stressed out because you are stressed out.

Now, when your son starts acting out, just sit there and watch him and also tell your daughter to externalize the problem. Watch him as if you are watching a movie.

Teach your daughter to do the same.

After he is finished with his behavior. Sit and talk to him about it. Be a therapist.

Ask him these questions:

1) What happened?
2) What were you thinking?
3) What have you thought about since?
4) Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5) What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Look up on the web restorative practices at: www.iirp.org

Good luck. D.

I would get him into your pediatrician for a general physical; especially hearing and vision. Then, I would get a referral for a pediatric/behavior therapist. This could be anything but it does sound worth checking into. You don't say if his behaviors are sudden or have been building over time?

I wish I had some more concrete suggestions...Maybe, if you are not already on one - establish a super rigid schedule. Maybe he is acting out due to a lack of routine, adequate sleep, etc.?

Do you have any family/grandparents near you? Who can help?
Maybe your son is suffering from not having his Dad home... and sometimes, the kids of deployed parent(s)... can also have fears (that the parent never comes back) or anxiety about it and just plain miss them... and then their behavior/emotions gets masked... and expressed in inappropriate ways.

Have you sat down with him at any time, to try and just talk story...about what he is feeling or IF he has a reason why, he does those things?

Your son, does seem a bit more intense in the typical naughty behaviors, BECAUSE it is disrupting the entire household and disposition.

Or do you have any friends? Can they come over, and help you?
Can you see the school's counselor or Teacher? And ask him/her about any ideas or problem solving this.
Does he have trouble in school too???

All the best,
Susan

Because your son's feelings about his dad's absence can definitely be at least part of the issue here, check out the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives really practical advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often find ways to resolve their own unhappiness once they believe you have really listened to them.

You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

Your little guy may do well with some additional physical support, too, in the form of certain supplements and/or the removal of toxins from the air in your home.

If you have been using scented products like fabric softeners, air fresheners and cleaning products, try eliminating as many of those influences as possible for a couple of weeks. I have seen the ingredients in these products wreak havoc with some children's emotional systems (as well as my own), disturbing everything from moods to the ability to sleep well. Some food additives, particularly synthetic colors and preservatives, have also been proven to increase mood problems in some children.

Food supplements that can have a positive effect on brain chemistry include fish oil (Carlson makes a very good brand) and B vitamins. If you can take your son to a naturopath, or other "naturally" oriented medical person, you might get some helpful suggestions.

Good luck. Your situation sounds truly miserable.

Try "love flooding". Instead of punishing him or yelling or spanking or any of the other negative responses you have tried that have not worked, try this positive approach. If it doesn't work I would definitely have him evaluated. To do "love flooding" is simple (but not always easy if you are feeling angry or frustrated). Hug him, complement him, snuggle him, and spend time with him above and beyond what you think is necessary. Even when he is acting up (especially when he is acting up), sit down and say in a quiet voice, "You seem like you could use a hug." Don't talk to him about his actions at that moment, just give him your unconditional love and attention. Within a week most kids start to temper their reactions (even though they might still do impulsive, destructive acts) and you can start to include discussions about right and wrong choices, getting along with family, acting respectfully, etc. In other words you need to first deescalate the situation and regain his trust before he will be receptive to change.

Next, take a close look at his diet. Keep track of what he is eating in a day and what his moods are like. Food plays a huge part in everyone's mood and some people are more sensitive than others. Common food triggers include artificial dye (especially red #40), MSG (common in various forms in many processed food entrees), refined sugar, gluten, etc.

At 5, kids have a lot of complex emotions that they have no clue how to process in a positive/productive way. As a parent we need to provide lots of safe, loving opportunities for kids to learn to find the words to describe these emotions. Practice by identifying out loud to them what emotion you are feeling at certain times. Ex: "I am feeling angry right now because that driver just cut me off. It is making me feel like screaming or hitting the steering wheel, but those actions would not be safe or helpful, so I am going to talk about it and then take some deep breaths to relax." Then help him identify his emotions at times, start with happy, excited, and then work toward angry, sad, etc. Ex: "You seem really happy right now. You are smiling and bouncy, how does it feel to you?"

Good luck and hugs to you. I have a highly volatile child at times and I understand how hard it is to not react strongly (I am not always successful), but I have found that the "love flooding" helps both of us. And aall the time I have spent helping him learn how to communicate his emotions with words is really starting to pay off now that he is almost 7. He will even come to me in times when I haven't managed to keep my temper and say, "Mom, I feel like you don't respect my feelings about this issue." And then we are able to sit down and talk about it. This from a child who was (and still is at times) a hitter, biter, screamer.

I don't have any kids as of yet. I will in a few weeks, since I am 38 weeks pregnant with my first son. But from what I Can tell he might be missing his daddy. My husband is a solider and was deployed to Afghanistan last year in May and wasn't supposed to be home until this may leaving me to have our son alone. But to greatest surprise he was sent home as part of that 20% reduction of troops in October. Deployment is very hard on families especially ones with kids. Does he talk to his dad when he calls home or do you talk to him on the computer? Maybe you should make a task for you son to write his daddy a letter every day and give him positive encouragement like "When daddy comes home he will see how much of a big boy you've become." I would suggest doing things like that and do like the other moms said talk to your doctor and your son. Stay calm and collective, don't let your anger get the best of you. (I saw that too much with my mom when my little sister made her mad. Bad memories for me) Everything will be just fine. :) good luck and I hope your husband comes home soon.

It sounds like he could be reacting to his dad not being home. Children do not know how to express their feelings so it can manifest itself through bad behavior. He is probably worried, anxious, and angry that his dad is not home. Maybe sit with him at night and help him journal his feelings. You write and he talks. Have him keep his journal with him and each night make it a ritual as part of his bedtime routine. Getting out his emotions and giving him that extra time with you may be what he needs. You didn't mention how he is in school. Is he acting out there as well? If he is able to control himself in school then I would really have to say it is more emotional then anything. I am sure you are feeling like a single parent right now and that stress in itself is probably coming out as well. Are there any family members that can help you out and give you a break? If you do have the resources and this is more then you can handle have him talk to a professional so he can learn to process his emotions and get a hold on them before it gets worse. Good luck and keep us posted.

I am sure this little fella is missing his Dad! That does not give him permission to act as he is. I would take everything thing he has. You are not helpless and you are allowing a very little person to bully you. When I have a kid that begins to act out they end up with no activities, there toys get taken, there favorite blankets, favorite foods, favorite clothing, TV, game time...... I take it all and I keep it until I see a huge change in behavior. I would take both your daughter and your son to the activities, but I would make your son sit and watch because he didn't behave well enough to earn the activity.

Get ahold of this guys stuff! it's great!!
http://www.drray.com/

I would try googling John Rosemond and ticket system. His discipline methods seem a little extreme at first, but I think you seem to have an extreme situation and he does have a lot of parents that swear by him.

I would also try eliminating all food dyes from his diet for awhile and see if that helps. My niece becomes uncontrollable any time she has food dye. Some kids are just really sensitive to it. You really have to check ingredients because they are in a lot of foods you wouldn't even think of.

I would definitely look into some counseling ASAP. How long has
your husband been gone. Does it coincide with his bad behavior?

How is his behavior at school? Kids know that no matter what they do,
parents will love them unconditionally. I would definitely get him some
help soon for the sake of you and your daughter. Try to hang on. Nice
weather will be here soon and maybe being outside he can vent by
running, jumping and just playing. Good luck.

Meredith,
The issue is Daddy being gone (although my first thought while reading was wondering if he was being abused at prek). He is angry about Daddy being gone and is acting out for that.
Is daddy in the military? If so, please call military one source 1800-###-###-####. They can take care of a myriad of issues by referral, from counseling to videos, to activities, to resources, etc.
If not military try them anyway if he is working for our govt over there. They may be able to point you the right direction.
They are also online at militaryonesource.com
Hang in there, but DO get help because it will not get better on its own. You are doing the right thing right now- reaching out!!!!!

I know from experience....my oldest act out when he doesn't spend physical, rough housing time with his dad and I figured it out and I told my husband and once he started playing more with our sons, our oldest calmed down and became more respectful and less likely doing the things that were wrong. I have learned from another mother who has four children and the older ones are in their twenties, she said that in her household, the only times they ever got spanked was when they lied or disobeyed. I am doing that now and use biblical reasons why those things are not acceptable in my home. Also, I try more listening than talking with my boys. I am using stickers as to reinforce good behaviors and follow through with consequences. If you yell too often, when danger come about and you yell he would let it "go in one ear and out the other" and get hurt. Yelling will only make it worst for him because he's already hurting because dad is not there. I don't read a lot of those books people are mentioning because I don't agree with them and I like Dr. Dobson because he has sons and knows exactly what to say and had experiences and uses Bible and God in how we are to be training our children. So, if you have any more ideas or questions let me know and I will do my best to answer them. I will be praying for you, Meredith and your family. Have a great week. BTW (by the way) do you tell your son you love him and offer hugs and take time out everyday or every evening and talk with just him? I have a friend whose one son loves it when she goes in his room and talk with him before going to sleep. It helps him to express what he's thinking and what he's feeling and conclude the day and what he could have done differently and maybe talk about things he can do when he's angry. I tell my boys that their strength is to protect girls!!!

It sounds to me that your son is simply looking for your undivided attention and love. I know that you have another child and she needs your attention as well, but perhaps you could set some time aside to focus on your son more...maybe while your daughter is at her activities or school or something.

When it is just you and your son, pop some popcorn and turn on a movie. Cuddle on the couch or read a book together. He's acting out because he understands that this is the only way for you to totally stop what you're doing and give your attention to him. Turn his negative behavior into positive NOW or you'll face many more problems throughout the years.

Even lying with him at bedtime until he falls asleep will make a world of difference. Hug him, kiss him, put your arms around him until your hands touch...anything to show him how much you love him.

Also, don't forget that your son sees your reactions to him. From the stressed out sigh to the raising of your tone...he notices it all...so don't underestimate your 5 year old. Change your behavior and how your handling his behavior and you'll notice a world of difference.

Perhaps tonight is a good night to rent a movie and sit with both of your children in your arms watching it.

Good luck.

http://www.penpointeditorial.com

Meredith, I am so sorry that you're having such a rough time with your son. I would suggest seeing a behavioral therapist/specialist and perhaps an evaluation as well.

Meredith,
Do you HAVE to send him to 2.5 hours day care? What does he DO there? He is 5. He should have some handle on his behavior - when did all this START?
time outs, screaming, spanking, taking away things don't work. You've said it. It's also been proven (I don't have citations here though!) So don't use them.

Use talk. Tell him he's going with you (in the car). Don't say where. Just go to somewhere quiet (pond, park w/o playground, etc) and just BE. with him. It sounds like he has issues you may not be able to deal with on your own but I have only heard a little of your tale and none of your son's.

Dad being absent may be an issue.

As far as keeping him in bed, THAT can be a tough issue. I dont' know your stance with your son. I dont' know what you want to keep up with and where you are willing to set yourself some goals instead of limits for him.

One website that might help you a lot is Attachment Parenting International. There is a lot to read there for free. I know you don't have 'time' but do you have time to cope with his 'antics'? Do you have the $ (as it sounds like he is destroying stuff, too?)

You might be coping with more than 'just missing Dad' -itis. You might be coping with a lot more and not know it. He may have problems at preschool that go unreported by the daycare as unimportant or 'they're dealing with them their way'.

When my son acts out, I give him a hug. He changes direction, and we move on. Of course, he's teething right now - but all kids need 'attention' when they act out, and not the 'sit in the chair' kind either! It doesn't make you a bad Mom, you're doing what you think is natural. It makes for a hard situation to cope with. He's not. And it sounds like you're on the way to not coping too.

I wish you luck, I welcome questions. I am no 'expert'. I have read though, that Ferber recanted. Time out is no longer a viable, usable 'trick' to get kids to obey. I can't cite for you - but I can send you an e-hug and tell you that when you change your tactics, things DO get better.

Good luck! Hope you can help your son work on managing his behavior responsibly.

M.

Good job noticing this has to do with him missing his father. That is hugely stressful for a child, especially a boy. And he is most certainly aware of the possibility of his father dying over there. It's amazing what kids pick up on - tv, radio news, people talking, etc. "Another American soldier in Afghanistan died," is enough for him to overhear. There are a lot of supports through the military for family counseling, etc. I will ask my friend whose husband has been overseas twice (Afghanistan and Iraq, I think). Her son had a huge amount of anger.

A few things immediately. He needs the structure of clear boundaries and consistent follow through. He also needs consistent male time. Do you have a relative or church member he can spend weekly time with - throwing a ball, going to the park, running/climbing, etc. Boys need a lot of outdoor time being physically active. Cutting out sugar and food dye will help with the highs and lows, too.

I know it hurts you personally - I have a daughter with special needs and she says things that are mean to me and it hurts my feelings. But I need to learn to put my personal feelings aside - I am not her peer (I am speaking as someone who is just starting to try to put this in to practice). What does she need - whether discipline or ignoring the behavior - apart from how it makes me feel? What does she need in order to learn how to treat people and develop self control?

Keep up the good fight.

E.

Updated

okay, here were some answers i got:

A pillowcase that I made with iron on photo paper bought at a craft store. I put photos of us as a family and them with their dad. They slept with it every night. The Armed Services YMCA will make you a FREE quilt with pictures of their dad. You can submit the pics on-line.
He enrolled in a program on the ship called United Through Reading. He made a video, talked to the girls and read them a couple of books. They record it and send it to you on a dvd. My girls were very comforted by this and watched them till they wore out.
There is also a separation video with the charachters of Sesame Street talking about deployment that my children watched MANY times. You can get this through family services.

I read the other responses and would like to touch on something that hasnt been mentioned. Children very often mirror our emotions. Hubby is off in Afghanistan and I am sure this puts a great deal of pressure on you. I can imagine your worries and frustrations. Perhaps your son is feeling your emotions in addition to missing daddy and dealing with school, also it doesnt seem like the babysitter can handle him and I bet he knows it. Is it possible to get a better sitter? If not have a talk with her and figure out how she can discipline him. Personally I would stick his little face into a corner and make him stay there until he calmed down and apologized. You will say he wont stay in the corner and I will say if you stand directly in back of him and hold his shoulders he wont have a choice. Soon he will figure out it is better to stay there on his own.
But the best way to stop outbursts is to figure out what is going to set him off and stop it BEFORE he blows up. If he nags for a snack and you say no and he keeps nagging, he will get more and more upset. So the first time he asks, tell him not this minute, but in an hour or after dinner or whatever. Then tell him to go do something to take his mind off it.

I agree with Mck4's response, Have your son evaluated by a pediatritian or therapist to make sure something else isn't going on.