Stepmother Issues

Hi M.,
I am a stepmom to 3 girls and I can tell you it can be tough. I guess I would just like to give you another way of looking at the situation. Maybe you don't really like what your daughters stepmom is doing, however sounds like she cares about your daughter and enjoys spending time with her. My husband and his x-wife always fought around the kids and made each other look bad. When I got divorced, someone told me to always tell our children "there are so many people that love and care about you, you are so very lucky." I can tell you that it has made a huge difference in the kids. I know things seem really stressful right now, but all of you should want the same thing - that your daughter is loved and cared for. Best wishes to you and that it is settled soon. :)

M.-
Relax a little, your daughter is three and the "stepmother" is just having some fun . Nailpolish, tattoos ...none of that will do any damage to her. She is enjoying her being "little", like you should. If she was 16 and the makeup and tattoos..well that is a different story. Lighten up a bit and let your three year old be three , they only stay little for a short time.
Good Luck!

I just realized that you edited your request. So, I'm editing my response. If the child is sucking on her fingers, that would generally indicate that she is hungry. Have you taken her to the doctor to document the fact that she is underweight?

You continue to pray and trust God to watch over your baby girl. And do what you can to fight for custody. If you can prove, maybe doctor's report, that she is underweight and not being cared for properly a judge would be sure to grant you custody. And you do need to let the father know that you are concerned about your daughter's weight and you don't want to tlak to anyone in the family concerning your daughter, except him. If the sister tries to put anything in just tell her you don't want to talk to her. She didn't help you conceive this baby and she has nothing to do with it. I hope things will work out. If you are seeking God He will work it out...

Well, the underweight issue is most likely not because she sucks her fingers. It depends on HOW underweight she is as to whether or not it's a medical problem. Some kids are just skinny.Painting her nails is in NO way going to stop her from sucking her fingers though. I sucked my thumb for years. It's a comfort mechanism, and for a three-year old -you can try to start "breaking" her of it, but is it really that big of a deal? I also feel like we have to choose our battles, and I completely understand why you don't want your daughter in make-up and nail polish (especially the polish since she does suck her fingers), but if she has some make up on once in awhile for pretend or a temporary tattoo (kids LOVE those), it all washes off. I would concentrate my efforts on trying to find legal aid or some channel to help you get more custody of your daughter if possible. I wish I knew more about that to help you, but I don't. I'm certain there are attorneys and different groups that help people pro bono and for a very discounted rate though. In the meantime, ask her doctor about her weight issues.

Tatoos, nail polish and makeup aren't going to hurt your daughter. I'm sure your daughter thinks it's very fun play.

Different children are on different places on the growth chart spectrum. If your daughter's pediatrician isn't worried about her being underweight, chances are she's fine. I know my daughter is "underweight" but her pediatrician calms me down everytime I bring it up. If your daughter's health is truly at risk, there is a definite issue. If your daughter is just small but healthy, don't stress yourself out too much.

I am so sorry to hear about a mother not having custody of her own child! I wish you the very best of luck in getting to an agreeable situation with your daughter and her father!

I am a stepmother, and in trying to think of things from her side (the stepmom's), perhaps she is just trying to bond with your child, which is a good thing since she will be a part of her life. I used to do my stepdaughters hair, braids and buns and such, and paint her nails. It was to give me time that was just with her and girly. I in no way intended this to make her grow up too fast or to sexualize her from a young age (things I am much against). I know what you mean about the make up and the tatoos and the sexualized culture today, but unfortunately you are not in full control, and you are going to have to give a little too. We had my step daughter half the time, and she would come to us with the blue toenail and hair and tatoos from her mom's. It would drive us crazy, but in these situations, where a child is not in one home, there is no way that everyone is going to like everything that the child is exposed too.

This is the conclusion I came to for myself with these things.....tatoos are meaningless to children this age (I just put one on my son's hand while writing this). I can deal with tatoos on the hand, but not on the middle of the back (tramp stamp style) or the shoulders, etc. I think if my son like elmo and gets an elmo tatoo on his hand it is no different than a sticker, or a stamp he might get at school. If he is putting it on his arm, or calf to mimic adults with tatoos, that is another story and I won't put tatoos on them like that. Nailpolish is enjoyed by most girls. If she is putting black, or red on her I would object, but if it is pink, or light purple, I am not sure it would bother me personally. You can always tell your daughter it is chipping and needs to come off. Or, tell her nailpolish is not allowed at your home.

It is easy to get worked up about every little misgiving. People have different values. Someday it is going to be can the boyfriend go in her room -- yes at dad's, no at mom's. Or will dad or mom put her on birth control. Those are the serious issues (that we are facing now). It makes nailpolish seem very minor.

My advice would be to try your best to get along with the stepmom. You cannot "let her" or not let her do things. You are not her mother and you don't have control over her. You unfortunatley have to tolerate her and her influence on your daughter (as long as it is not harmful to her).

I get along great with my husband's ex. We are polar opposites, but have the commonality that we both love her daughter. I cannot let her morals/values/lack there of, etc. stand in the way of what is most important, and that is the well being and happiness of the child.

Good luck, these are such emotional issues.
B.

I hope that you get custody of your little girl and get some weigh on her.Take good care of her.

M.,

I think anyone experiencing your situation who probably handle it in a different matter because there are factors to consider. For example, if the step mother is a younger woman verses an older mature woman, the conversation will be different. So, you really need to get a feel how her mindset, then have a polite, private conversation with her. Keep in mind, if she doesn't have any children, she might not be able to relate to some of your concerns. People react diffrently to situation that they are able to identify with. If you are willing to provide more information about the step-mother, I will be in the position to suggest how to approach the matter.

Now your husband...if you are a good mother and your ex-husband used his finances to win custody, you are dealing with a selfish and bitter person. No matter how much to attempt to express concern about your daughter, he will view it as a negative, until he change within.

That being the case, if he loves the stepmother, it is best to develop a relationship with her.

Lastly, be honest with yourself, in other words, make certain you are not being bitter and selfish too. Make certain you are not exaggering, making things bigger than they really are. I understand it could be painful to have your child taken away, knowing you are a good and caring person, whom loves their child. If you did feel that way, it would be only natural, BUT, you do not have to remain that way. Stay positive, stay positive. Wishing you and your family the best. LJB

Sorry, but I don't see anything wrong with a little girl playing with tattoos, makeup, and nail polish. That's as natural to a little girl as air. She may be a little young (at 3 I hope her step mom is applying it and not allowing your child to handle these items herself)but, maybe it's fun for her. You say you want your child to be natural. Is the step mother doing all of this before they go out or are they just playing around the house?
What has the doctor said about your child not eating? I don't think she's "eating" her fingers as opposed to eating food. If she's hungry she will eat. They don't always eat much at that age. I've never heard of a 3 yr old starving herself to death. If her dad is not feeding her? Can you prove it?
You've got to pick your battles and I don't think nail polish and makeup are your biggest issue. I'm a 40 year old child of divorce. This is what I wish I saw when I was 6 years old. Instead of fighting you need to be going to lunch with this step-mother - without your child. You need to become allies - not enemies. You don't have to be friends. This woman will be in your child's life for a very long time.Have meetings with your ex when an issue arises. Don't yell and scream. If that's what he's doing,let him do it. But, you be the better person. Don't let your daugther see y'all battle. Talk to each other like human beings. You, your ex, and his wife are a team now. You have the same goal - the welfare of your daughter. Stop the war! Or, she will resent "All" of you when she's my age and wonder why you all were looking out for yourselves instead of her. I hope she never has to feel awkward at her graduation, her wedding, or her mother's funeral like I did because she has to decide which side of the family to please that day.
I hope this hasn't hurt your feelings. That wasn't my goal. You just sound young and I think you need some advice from someone who's been through it. You're in my prayers.
E-

Dear M., I am sorry you are having a hard time. You came to the right place. I will keep you in my prayers and your daughter too. Please do what you think you should do for the safety and wellbeing of your precious little girl. I am glad that you care so much about her and are willing to fight to do the right thing. Let us know how you are doing.

God is truly watching over her. In your request I could since the fear of them keeping your precious sunshine. Remember that God does not give us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

If you truly believe that God is in control start by reading the word EVEN if you don't understand it God knows you heart. Ignore what you see and every time you visit sing songs of joy and make it as memorable for baby girl as possible.

Whisper words of encouragement about what is going on... the truth is that you both love her very much and don't trust the other. So, when you whisper to her say "Mommy and Daddy loves you very much and you will get the best from both of us.

Mark 11:22 And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.

Ever Faithful,

S. Talley

Be honest with her, even if it's up-front and a tad brutal. Apparently, she perceives you as being "too nice" about your objections and is interpreting it as meaning you really don't mean what you say. So she'll continue to do what she wants with YOUR daughter as long as you continue take a less than insistent role.

Hi M.,

Have you talked to your ex-husband about this? It doesn't look good for him in a custody battle if he doesn't respect your wishes (unless of course he is playing dirty anyway). Other than the trend of makeup and tattoos and promiscuity, which any father that pays attention should agree with!!!, you could approach it as a safety issue. I doubt very seriously she is painting your little girl up with safe ingredients. Most makeups have cancer causing agents, hormone disruptors, and most nail polishes have formaldehyde that causes cancer. There's no need to do this to a child.

I sense that she is just trying to get on your little ones "good" side. I just picked the side of the battle I'm praying for! God bless you in your efforts!

M.

P.S. If he listens to you at all and if you need documentation for him on the dangers of certain makeups, let me know.

You can't control what the stepmother does, unless she is breaking the law. You can, however, have influence with her. The best way to have influence is to be on good terms with her. That may not be realistic, but ideally, you will have an at-least-civil relationship. If possible, you can discuss your values with her. Does your daughter's father share your values? If so, he could discuss them with his wife. Personally, I don't have a problem with little girls playing dress up (except I discourage the tattoos, even in dress up), but I don't let them wear it out of the house, and I make sure they know it is for dress up only. The stepmother is probably just trying to play nicely with your daughter and do girly things with her. If you can convey a good reason why you feel these things are inappropriate without sounding petty, let her know your feelings. Just remember to keep things positive and let her know that you respect her way of doing things as well. Good luck.

Having been a step mom before and now my son has a step mom - it isn't easy on either side of the picture.

With that said

One approach you could take with her is the toxins that are in the nail polish and make-up. I have plenty of documentation you could give her too to back it up. There are endocrine disruptors in the make-up and polish that could be harmful to your daughter (and adults). Some of the ingredients in certain make-up also contains xenoestrogens, which could cause your daughter to have difficulty when it is time for puberty down the line.

For me personally, if she is doing this as a dress up game and your daughter only wears this as a game but has to wash it all off before leaving the house, then it would be ok. If she allows your daughter to go to the store etc. like this I find it inappropriate.

In my past experiences I have found that talking to both my husband's ex-wife about things AND my husband (at the time, now divorced) helped with anything I wanted to do with their son. You may want to try that in reverse. Express your concerns to both your ex-husband and his new wife so they both understand where you are coming from and why. I think explaining the why is important.