Stepdaughter Acting Out and Distancing Herself from Family

Of course, it is entirely possible (and most likely probable) that her recent behavior stems from the new living arrangements. It is also possible that she's heading directly into her tween years. I have an almost 10 yr old daughter, too, and a lot of what you've written could have been written about my child (we don't have the extended/blended family issues that you are dealing with). I'm gearing myself up for a very tumultuous next few years, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up and let her run the household. Unacceptable behavior will still be dealt with appropriately, chores will still be given, we will still spend lots of time with her and show her how much we love her and appreciate her as an important member of this family. Then I will trust that she will emerge on the other end as a lovely young lady who is a well-adjusted member of society. I second those who say keep doing what you're doing. Balance the discipline with love and affection and trust that you're doing what's best for her. Good luck (to all of us with pre-teen girls!).

Welcome to motherhood (smile). Seriously, she is acting out for potentially several reasons. The ones you mention (older siblings setting poor example, wanting to be babied, etc.) seem reasonable. Consider, she is entering her pre-teen years. Have you seen a doctor to rule out potential health issues or if she is pre-menses? Hormones are wonderful and terrible things and cause young girls a lot of confusion about their feelings. If you honestly do not think that is the issue, then you have to consider that the "mom" is planting those seeds. What is your relationship with her? You said the "mom decided to be a mom again". Are there any negative issues between the two of you that your daughter may be responding to? She may feel she has to be difficult at your home to prove her loyalty to her mom, now.
Keep doing what you are doing, discipline with love, assure her that she is not a "step" child but a bonus-daughter you got when you married her father and above all, stay united with your husband. Good luck!

Well, you have to wonder what she's feeling when she is the one who has has a major change in her living situation. I would suggest some counseling for you, your husband and her mother and the 4 of you to make sure that the messages she's interpreted from this big change are what the adults intended. She could be having trouble processing her emotions as she has in effect lost her full time parents of 5 years. That can make her feel tremendously undervalued when she is the one that has to adjust to all the changes in the lives of the adults around her. I was divorced when my child was young, she is now an adult and we way,way underestimated the emotional impact of the divorce and changes we experienced in our living situations, dad re married, I went to work, dad divorced again, I remarried, dad moved, dad remarried again. Too much for a child to process and even if she says she's okay, children tell you what they think you want to hear. With the troubles my daughter has had as an adult, I would actually highly recommend to others that they stay together "for the kids" until like 12-14 years old, unless it's a totally unacceptable situation and I never thought I would hear myself say that! Of course, I realize that's not an option for you either, I'm really just sharing that divorces when children are very young are more damaging than we think. (Okay that's not a message I would have wanted to hear at your stage either but I wish someone had told me these possibilities) I would also suggest that ramping up the discipline - been there, too - is not necessarily the answer. If the acting out is rooted in her inability to sort out her emotions, so she displays inappropriate emotions, which are then rejected in her environment, ramping up discipline is really just one more way of saying "we don't accept what you're feeling" and you'll actually make it worse. Please read about validation and boundaries. Validation is a communication technique to acknowledge and support the child's feeling, empathize with that feeling and then transition to what you need them to do. Please consider this, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Maybe you guys need to talk to her mom and find out if the older siblings are doing bad behavior to see if its that.... Maybe you as a mom and what not need to go somewhere with just her and ask her questions or go spend some time with her... sounds to me she is jealous of her younger siblings or maybe you should have her tell you some of her friends and let her have friends over when she aint feeling she aint getting enough attention... maybe try getting her in to some counceling... or maybe something happened at her biological moms place...
wish u the best of luck hope this helps
mamabear09

I suspect some of it has to do with her age. She's not a little kid anymore but she isn't a teen yet. At mom's house she's the baby (who isn't a baby), at your home she is one of the big kids, AND she is split between two homes. She probably isn't sure of her place at either. I believe splilt physical custody can be very confusing for kids especially when the households are so different (one settled and one w/ turmoil). It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things and some of this is to be expected. There could also be some issues at school at the same time. Being a kid today is not always easy (we think it is but it isn't).

I would suggest both sets of parents sit down and talk about this and try to figure out what you can do to help her through this. Then sit down w/ her and make sure the lines of communication stays open.

As for her being jealous of your relationship w/ her dad...that is pretty normal. She may see the relationship as the reason her parents aren't together (doesn't matter if it is true, just what she perceives) and the reason she bounces between homes instead of living w/ them both full time. OR you could really wish she still lived w/ you full time and is jealous of the family life she had before.

Good luck.

I am in a situation similar to yours. I believe that my stepdaughter is just acting out her mother's feelings towards our home. I know that her mother seldom thinks of what is best for her daughter and usually bad-mouths our home to her. This puts a lot of stress on her when she is with us.
To get past these feelings of her not feeling like an important part of our family I put aside time for just her and I, her father does the same. Once a week, she and I do something, just the two of us, wether it is merely grocery shopping, it makes her feel important that I have chosen to be with just her and put the other kids on hold. We have also put her into counciling that her mother not only brings her too but has spoken to the counsiler. We all, both sets of parents, meet with the counsilor periodically to make sure we are all on the same page. Asking another adult into the situation has helped a little in getting her mother to act a little more responsibly with her words about our home.
Being a step mother is a difficult job, good luck and remember that you are an important example to her on how to behave, maybe even more so if her mother is similar to the one I deal with. I have to constantly remind myself of that fact. I may be the only adult woman who can teach her how to get along in this world and her life happily.