Stepchildren

It's important that the child still comes over to interact with you and your husband. However, with a pre teen, it's important when disciplining that you word it just right. Try to avoid telling him don't, no, you can't etc. Instead try:

"..by talking back to us, you are sending a clear message that you don't want to use the computer tonight..."

"..by cleaning your room, making your bed, and picking everything off the floor, you have told me that you really want to ride your bike."

Make it about him, he'll be turned about, but it works. I'm a teacher and I have little to no discipline issues with this technique.

Also, it's important, that when he's upset, don't try to reason with him, or discipline him, or touch him. This only builds up more adrenaline and will make him more aggressive, also when a child is this upset, all of his communication skills fail.

Always replace bad behavior with an appropriate behavior after he's calmed down. For example:

"It was clear that you were very upset because we turned off the TV, cursing and throwing things is not appropriate behavior, if you don't want to eat, you can say to us "hey, I'm not ready to eat, or you can retrieve to your room to read a bit, that's appropriate."

He's going through a hard T., and remember he's frontal lob is not fully developed yet.

11 years old is a hard place to be in life anyway, let alone to have divorced parents and a step-parent, too. Please, try sitting down with this child and telling him/her how much he/she is loved and wanted. You should also be trying to show how much he/she is loved and wanted. Don't underestimate the need for physical expressions of love for this child, even though the child may be making themselves as unlovable as possible. That's when he/she really needs to be shown love despite his/her behavior. The child probably already senses that he/she is not wanted by you. If you want the child's attitude to change you first need to change your attitude/approach toward the child. Also, make sure you and your husband are not speaking negatively about the child's mother around the child. This can be very damaging.

Please, don't tell your husband that you don't want the child around. That will hurt your relationship with him and drive a wedge between you. Talk about ways you can work together to help his child. Show you care. Go to the library and get some books to help you more effectively deal with children in your step-child's situation. If you are a praying person then pray that God will help you to love this child and know what to do to help the child. Good luck and God bless.

The most that you can do right now--at least until things settle--is to work with your husband to ensure that boundaries and other "house rules" are established...and then step back and let him do the parenting. Your issue is not how you can tell your husband that his kid is being a jerk. Your issue is how you can keep your peace and be supportive during a T. of madness, for both of them. It's not about how this is affecting you, it's about how you can affect the situation, how you can play a positive role in this child's life.

I'm a very involved stepparent. That means that I have to recognize when it's T. to "step" up and when it's T. to "step" down. Whether or not you SHOULD be able to deal with the child in a certain way is beside the point. The point is that the child receives the message, and that is usually best receved from the bioparent, in this type of situation. The stepparent just simply does not have the history to command a certain dynamic with the kid.

One of the best ways for the stepparent to show discipline to the child is for the stepparent to exercise it in his/her own life, including consistency in how you treat the child, being sure to show unconditional love, especially now while so much is uncertain...controlling your own behavior toward the child. That's the example that you can set to influence the child's behavior and attitude. Once you set the house rules--which call for a certain behavior for whomever you have in your house, not just for the kid--then you let your husband enforce that particular code of conduct. Behind the scenes it's the two of you, but in the open, you are the back-up.

Keep in mind, also, that your husband will be protective of his kid toward anybody who even smells like a threat. You do not want to be that person. You do not want to turn it into "you against them" in your home.

Hi. This is a difficult situation for everyone, hands down. I agree with most of the posters---you might do irrepairable harm to your marriage if you even hint at not having your stepchild around. I think giving hubby and his son some private T. is needed. I also think you might ask your stepson if he'd like to spend some T. with you as well. It's highly likely that he'll say no, but he'll remember that you asked (and if you keep asking) and I bet it will make a difference for him. Also, busy kids tend to be well-behaved kids. When he's with you all, keep him busy--maybe a soccer team? Swim team? Start a project at the house he can help with. Does he have his own room at your house? He needs that. Maybe he could help paint the room or make some artwork for it. Maybe he could help you make cookies or you could get some water guns and have at it in the backyard. That would probably do all of you a world of good. Maybe he could help you organize a closet or plant a garden. Help him invest in a project in your home so he feels some ownership. Remember that he is part of your husband and not loving him is not an option. Love is a choice and it's one you must actively make for this child. Your family will not be successful without it. Hope that helps. Also, make sure to praise your stepson for good behavior, even if it's short-lived. Blessings!

If they are in the middle of a court battle then the 11 year old may feel as if they are stuck in the middle too. The discipline issues may be a result of that. It could be that neither parent (and this really should be done together) has sat down with the child to reassure them that they are still loved, cared for & that even tho Dad is no longer with them and they can't live together, that they love the child and that will not change. It could also be that the behavior is due to you - not that the child really hates you; but if the mom is the custodial parent and she is bitter- then who knows what garbage she is feeding the child?
Your husband is probably aware of the discipline issues too and he may feel powerless to solve them because he may feel some guilt in the divorce and think if he disciplines the child, he will just be failing them one more T.. You can suggest that you sit down as a family with the child and discuss things - ask open ended questions and give the child a chance to vent. Actively listen and let them know that you care.
Kids need boundaries. I don't know how the 11 year old acts with the mother - they could be just as bad with her. The child may need some counseling and they may be hurting more than you know.
There is an excellent resource for step parents - google the Bridge Across by Jayna Haney. She was a step parent and she founded an organization that helps stepparents cope and build healthy blended families. You can write in your questions and she will answer.
Good luck with this issue.

Wouldn't it be less hurtful to ask him to take over responsibility for caring for her than to say she can't come? I don't blame you for not feeling eager to take on the accumulated mistakes of two other parents, but I like it that your husband apparently wants to make right whatever has gone wrong for this girl. But since he apparently does want to stay close to her, HE should, then, be the one to make her visits work for the rest of his family -- if he is just bringing her to your home for you to care for her, that isn't what she needs and it sure isn't what you need. Maybe he really doesn't want to care for and spend T. with his daughter -- he just wants someone in the home he currently lives in to do it for him. If so, you suggesting that he be the one to spend T. with her and to set boundaries with her and to figure out how to keep her behavior within appropriate bounds while in your home should allow him to clarify that to himself and to you -- if he doesn't want to take care of his child while she is visiting him, that's your answer and, unfortunately, hers. But maybe he just doesn't realize what a handful she is because he unreflectively assumes you are better at this parenting stuff and will do a good job with her, and you asking him to take responsibility for her may give him a chance to become a more effective, involved parent, which it sounds like just what this child needs.

Good luck!
M.

I understand what you are saying and can feel your frustration.

Please, have empathy for this child. The madder the child is, the worse the behavior is how hurt this child is inside.

This child will push all of you away because the child is completely overwhelmed. They are angry, scared and confused about all of their feelings.

Your husband needs to try to help this child feel comfortable to say whatever this child wants to say. Your husband can tell the child it is ok to be angry, hurt, afraid. But to remember the child will always be loved.

I have posted this before, when my parents announced they were getting a divorce, everybody was devastated, except me.. I carried that guilt for 20 years, until I was able to realize, that it was ok to not want to live with 2 people that just did not love each other and were causing so much stress to all of us.

My father remarried almost immediately. That is what also upset me. He could not be nice to my mom, but he could be nice to this other person that was everything, my father said he did not like. She smoked, she swore, she drank, she was ans Aggie (hee, hee).. It was all very confusing. She had never been married and did not have children. She liked all of the attention and when we were with them, we did not feel like we had privacy with our father. Finally we all went to counseling and worked out that stepmom was never going to be our mom, but my father loved her, so she must have some wonderful qualities... We are now all great friends, even though they are now divorced, but there were many times, we were closer to her than our dad as we grew up.We still are very close to her and our children consider her one of their grandmothers.

Please be patient and just let this child know that your home is a "safe place" and you are not trying to be their mom, but that you love their dad and want him to be happy. Also let this child know you are there in case they want to share anything with you. NEVER say anything bad about the other parent and try not to say anything bad about your husband until things have settled down. Let your husband know you will not be the disciplinarian till you and the child have established a firm relationship. You could make a huge difference in this child's life. Just hang in there. If you can get through this, you can get through anything.
I am sending you strength and good thoughts.

No offense intended: Don't say a word to your hubby about not wanting that child for an extended T.. You took on that child when you took on that hubby. He won't ever forget those words. Now, talking to him about the discipline issues - fine. But, don't say to him what you said to us - ever!

S.,
It sounds like you need to get up to speed on parenting. Go the the library or bookstore and get some books on step-parenting or parenting a teen so you can have a better understanding of what to do. Avoiding or pushing your husband's child away is NOT the answer and would be incredibly damaging to the child. This child needs your husband in his/her life and now that you are in the picture he/she needs to have a healthy relationship with you as well. Divorse situations where a child is handed off between two household (households that most likely run very differently)are extremely difficult for some children especially if the parents aren't amicable. You and your husband need to put this child FIRST and foremost in your lives and focus on your relationship together as a family.

Instead of telling your husband his child is horrible and you don't want the child with you any longer, you might want to consider the child's feelings with regards to his parents battling it out in court and a step parent in the picture.

11 yo is a hard T. and there is a lot of outside issued - besides divorced parents - going on with them.

I agree you can't not have your step-child around...he/she was part of the package you married. You get the whole man and all of his responsibilities.

I think some of the others suggestions would be good...counseling (most churches offer it for free or on sliding scale), working together to solve issues, and you doing research/reading on being a successful step-parent.

The child isn't going to magically disappear...he/she will be part of your life always.

That child is testing their boundaries. This is when you and your husband need to sit down with the child and let them know what is and is not acceptable. The child probably gets away with those things at their mother's house but you need to make sure they know that it isn't acceptable at your house. I don't think sending the child home early is going to solve anything other than them knowing they can get what they want by acting out. You and your husband need to sit down and decide how you need to approach the situation and how yall are going to handle discipline and make sure yall are on the same page. If yall are in a court battle with the mother you have to remember that 1) the child is going through a difficult T. as well and 2) the mother may be telling the child bad things to make them not like yall. I think by sitting the child down and letting them know that their actions are not acceptable and if they are wanting something they need to say it and not expect you to read minds. Allow the child to speak concerns or frustrations and then you will understand more of what you are dealing with and know how to deal with it. If the child is angry about the situation then you let them know that it's not their fault and apologize that they are in the middle of it. Good Luck

You do not advise him. You let him get whatever T. he wants with his child and you can make other plans if the kid acts up. If your husband asks why you are not planning T. with them. Explain that you feel his childs behavior issues may be brought on by your presence and you were trying to give them quality T..

Hi S.,
It's your husbands job to discipline his child. If you were not in the picture when the child was a toddler your in that childs life to late in life to discipline. You have to talk to your husband in regards to this matter on how he has to do the discipline even if he feels bad about whats he /shes having to deal with. If things don't get dealt w/ it will on get worse. You have to be as nice as possible to that kid cause its not easy having to deal w/divorce parents and everything that goes w/that. Thats all you can do. Maybe you can let that child know if he/she needs to talk to someone that your willing to listen.

Yeah, I agree, you cannot tell your husband to send the kid back. Try to remember what this kid must be going through and that you are the adult in this situation. You do need to speak w/ your husband about the discipline problem, but try to find a workable solution. Think and act as if sending him back is not an option b/c the reality is, it's not.
Been there done that too :)
Good luck!

If you think about it, your goal is to help mold this child into a respectful, trustworthy and mature young adult. SO you should not be talking to your husband about NOT having the child visit, but rather you need to sit down and talk to your husband about how the 2 of you, together, can address the behavior issues and stop them. That is really the issue....b/c if the child behaved well, it wouldn't be a problem to have him/her visit.
Looking at it from a problem solving standpoint will help all your attitudes and your approach will be more constructive. (Maybe the child thinks no one wants him around and that adds to the problem.) Perhaps a family counselor/ therapist or pastor can help you with a plan.

This is a child, not a choice. Just because difficulties arise it does not give you the right to decide if or when or how long the visitation will be. You need to be supportive even during the tough times and not want to bail to make your life easier. This is his child and his flesh and blood. Grin and bare it for the small T. of his visitation. Don't say a word because you do not know the damage you will inflict. It sounds like you need to grow up and learn that life and children are not always easy!

I wouldn't mention it to your husband in those terms. I'm a step-mom and mom as well. I can only imagine the discipline issues you are experiencing; think what the 11 year old is going through. He undoubtably knows there is a battle occuring between his dad and mom and who knows what the mom is saying to him about his dad because of the court case. I would discuss the discipline situation with your husband but put it in terms of "what can we do to work on Billy's discipline problems?" Make it a team effort and most importantly, let Billy know that he is welcome at your house. It will take T., there is no easy fix but it will be worth it in the long run.

Not to be harsh but did anyone ever stop to think that this kid is acting out because of the court battle? He had a kid when you canme into this and it ain't all peaches and cream all the T.. Welcome to parenthood! If you value your relationship with your spouse you need to keep hurtful comments to yourself regarding the child. If will only create ill will towards you. You and your spouse should be talking about how to handle these behavior situations calmly, lovingly, yet firmly. Maybe the child needs to see a counselor if they are old enough to communicate theirs feelings. I am pretty sure that keeping the child away from their Father is not the thing to do.

By marrying a man with a child, you have accepted the child into your life. It would be very hurtful to your husband, as well as the child for you not to. When I was a child I felt pushed away by a step-mother, and it was a very very painful experience.

Is the court battle over the chid? Is your husband fighting for permanent custory? Is the child aware of the reason for the court fight. Maybe he is just acting out because of it. Have a heart to heart talk with your husband and the child. They both need to know how you feel. Your husband needs to lay out some definate behavioural gurdelines that the child absolutely must follow while with you. He is 11 years old and that's when they start to try to exert a little self importance and power. It may be necessary to enlist the help of a guidence counselor.