Step Son Torn and Needs Advice

When I was 23 I was stuck in between that proverbial rock and hard place. I just needed mom and dad to make the decision for me. It was too hard for me even though I was considered an adult.
Give him the advice. Tell him to live his life and go to college and be whatever he wants to be.
If he doesn't then his grandma will not be happy with him, she would want him to be happy and fullfill his life ambitions, even if she dies while he is in the process.

How far away to college does he need to go? Can you stay somewhat local and still go to college (at least taking core classes at a community college)?

His grandma and mother have lived their lives and he is right to be concerned but they would want what was best for him and that is not to put his life on hold.

If he can't stay local and go to college tell him to make the decision that he knows is best for him and make the most of his time w/ loved ones before he leaves and remind him that no one will fault him for his decision.

Here it is: Rock or no rock he's got to launch his own life. He cannot be the caregiver for his grandparents as he has no life experience nor training for such a big job. Alzheimers and memory loss are their own specialty. It is his mother's job to care for her mother and if she cannot that is it. Let him visit with them as much as possible but he's not to sacrifice his life for them. Memory loss can go on for years before the person is bedridden.
His mother has a chronic illness. He cannot help her as she won't tell him what the actual condition is. His mother might live for many years just as she is.
Then again maybe she'll go to a homeopath or an acupuncturist and get well.
It is your job to tell him what your really think. If he were my stepson I'd tell him to go to a college within a half days drive from his mother just in case he had to rush home.
If he has an aunt or uncle who is the child of his grandparents it is their responsibility to take care of their parents.
He sounds like a very responsible and sensitive young man. He needs a chance at his own life.

As a parent, I know I would NEVER ask my daughter to take care of us, when it was time for her to go to college.. As a matter of fact, I would have encouraged her to get on with her life.

I do not feel it is our daughters responsibility to care for us at this point in her life. She was so ready for college and had worked and dreamed about it.

I would do whatever I needed to to encourage him to go to college and not feel bad about it. He could make a plan to come back home for holidays and help out, but he has worked hard to reach his dream of this experience.

I went away to college knowing my father was terminally ill. He died while I was away, but I made sure to make visits. The thing is, my father didn't want me to waste my life while waiting around for his death... and he is the one who pushed me to go to school.

I'm sure he can find a college that is close enough to his mom to be able to visit frequently. Also, there are webcams and skype and so many neat ways to keep in touch with people and long distances now.

As for his grandmother, going senile and Alzheimers are two totally different things. She really needs to be in the care of a professional.

He sounds like a good Christian boy, so with a lot of prayer and weighing all of his options, he can find a peaceful decision.

Why can't he go to a college close to home? Seems like that would solve the problem unless he has his heart set on some college far away. Agreed with Laeh-Maggie he shouldn't live with grandma that has alzheimers, and both mom and grandma might go on to live for years. My grandma had alzheimers for 20 years before she passed away.

He needs to think of the long term and what is best. As a mom I would never put my kids in the position of not being able to think of their future. I want them to go out and set themselves up for success, even if it means I have to take on additional responsibilities or make sacrifices. If he hasn't started college yet, maybe community college is a possibility until the basics are out of the way. He sounds like a sweet sensitive kid with too much responsibility and lots of expectations being placed on him way too soon. They could/should also look into what social services available for Grandma - home care, etc.

Go to college. It's not his responsibility to take care of those at home. It is his responsibility to go to college, study hard, and make a life for himself. Grandparents die... parents die... it is the circle of life. Tell him that if things go down hill really fast, you'll let him know in time for him to say his goodbyes.
Chances are, they both might even make it to see him graduate from college... You can't live your life waiting for everyone else.
Go to school.
Have fun.
Dad will be there when he gets home. Dad will be there via email and via phone. Ditto with Mom and Grandma.
LBC

Why is this young man being asked to take care of grandma? Where are her children? If grandma has alzheimers they should be looking at assisted living facilities or have home care help. They are equipped to take care of someone with those needs. My mom has this disease and it is a 24/7 job. This young man's life would be just that, taking care of grandma. He won't be able to attend school, who would stay with grandma? If you haven't lived with this diease, you have NO IDEA how all consuming it is. You have to keep on your toes all day. You have to be sure they don't burn the house down, run out of the house, or come at you with a knife. Being the spouse of someone with this disease is one thing, but the grandson is another.

It is time for him to start his life. He has every right to go to school, have fun, meet new people and have new life experiences. As for the mom, I don't know what is wrong with her but she needs to let the boy go and she needs to help with her parents or find a facility that can help.

I'd advise him to go to college so he can be financially prepared for his future with or without all of his relatives. We can be a block away at the store and something can happen to people. And he can choose to blame someone else if things don't work out in either area or he can accept that we are imperfect human beings, can still respect ourselves in spite of our faults and imperfections and that a choice is a choice and that's it. It isn't etched in stone that we will be greatly successful in any area or that we won't. We live in a world that is highly competitive and we really need that college degree or some means to make a decent living even if everyone in our families have some other opinions. Grandmas are older and sadly we do watch them die sometimes while we are young. But you are right to tell him trust his gut, they are playing the guilt card and he sounds like a nice young man being worried about it. It is not his fault if he is not there for her at a specific given moment. It sounds like he gave her plenty of reasons before to have a good life. Feel free to show him this.

probably needs to talk to someone besides a christian counselor. That is where he is already getting all of the guilt. BUT even in the bible it says let the dead bury the dead and go out and live your life. You only have one to live. His mother should not be putting that on him. It is disfunctional co-dependence.

I would tell him that he has to make a decision and not anticipate regret because we all can only base our decisions on the best notion that we have at any given time. I would tell him also that you will support him however you can in his decision - that his grandmother and mom deep down want what is best for him and he won't be a good help and support to them if he is doing so grudgingly. Perhaps there is a community college that he can attend while he sorts through his personal issues so that he can begin his basic college requirements while still interacting with his family. Finally, I would tell him that never is a long time. He is young and if he truly wants to do something delayed doesn't mean denied. Everyone prioritizes differently and if he truly wants to forego college at this moment, there will be options for him to attend later.

My answer is he can still go to college while living with his grandmother for a year. If he is worried about his mother and grandmother but also fears that he will never go to college if he waits too long, then going to a junior college part-time is the answer. He can get his basics out of the way and save a lot of money at a junior college. Whatever he decides, he should be firm and not look back. Good luck.

My advice to him would be to pray about it and listen to what God says. I think talking to a Christian counselor is a good idea as well. There is nothing he can do about his mother or his grandmother's illnesses. I would advise him to make sure that they both have the proper care and caregivers in place to see after them and then to go ahead and go to school. He still has to have a life after God calls them home. On breaks and holidays, he can come home and visit and he can keep in contact with the caregivers to make sure everything is going well. Pray for them and love them but not feel guilty for things that he has NO control over. If I were his mother or grandmother, I would not want him to stay because of me. I'd want him to get his life moving in the direction he needs it to go.

Can he take some online college courses? Still getting credits & still there for the family...

First, as a child (which he is still a child), he is not equipped to care for his grandmother with Alzheimer's or senility. She needs to be under a professionals care, either in a facility or with a full-time adult caregiver trained to look after her.

Second, ask him to make a list of pro's and con's about each situation with his mother. It is unfair of the adults in his life to ask him to take on so much, he should be preparing for his future, not waiting around for people to die. I know that my sound cold, but it is simply the truth. This should be the best time in his life.

Good luck to him, I hope his counselor can help him make a healthy decision.