Step Child Sleeping Alone Issues

When she is there, being Daddy takes priority over being Husband. Sorry, but that's the way it is when you marry someone with kids.

Definitely talk to the pediatrician and see about a counselor. No 9 year old should be sleeping with a parent, and no 9 year old girl should be sleeping with her father.

But this is a 6 year old problem and no amount of fighting is going to change things. He thinks you're jealous but I wonder if she's jealous. He is not helping her by giving in to this - babies who are 6 and 8 months old learn to self-soothe and a 9 year old is completely handicapped if she cannot calm down.

And what she's doing (and what he's allowing) is completely inappropriate.

Family counseling.

i think you're both wrong. it's a huge issue that a 9 year old can't sleep or eat without someone right there with her, and it's also an issue that you've been fighting about this for 6 years instead of consciously parenting and doing what's best for your stepdaughter.
why doesn't he co-parent? why is he not in contact with the therapist? why is the girl in therapy? does she sleep alone at home?
there are a lot of unanswered questions here, and no, we don't need to be privy to all the details. but i'm with you that he's not helping her, and i'm with him in thinking that your take on it that this incredibly insecure and anxious girl is really trying to 'take on the wife role' is creepy and troubling.
khairete
S.

Honestly, your stepdaughter just wants her father's attention. Being in a split home is hard on children. He sounds like a great father, and I know she misses him tremendously when she isn't with him. He makes her feel safe, and she probably feels insecure around you- trust me, she can pick up on your resentment of her. I know all this because I was a child myself in a similar situation with a stepmother similar to you. I do sympathize with her.
Instead of fighting with him over her, try to find ways to make her feel more secure in your environment. Take her shopping and let her pick out some new decor for her room. Work on your relationship with her so that she feels more comfortable around you, and most importantly, can trust you. After all, she is going to be his daughter forever, and he is going to be her father forever. You want things to be as good as they can be, and like it or not, a lot of that responsibility lies not only with your husband, but with you, as well.

The way you word this, makes me wonder, have you put her in the role of intruder in the family rather than part of the family? The first thing a therapist will ask Does she have her own space decorated as a little girl's room, or just a bed in a spare room? Or are there other children who live there, yours or yours and your husband? That alone could make her feel like a visitor in what should be her second home. Having separated parents IS a huge deal to a child, the fact you don't recognize it makes me feel sorry for her. What do you mean has to sit with Daddy every meal? as opposed to eating alone somewhere or just wants to be next to him at the table? When you say hold his hand, that sounds sweet, are you saying hold her hand 24/7?? Maybe you can make this clearer?
Can Daddy and daughter go out just the two of them once in a while? that might be a healthy way for her to get Daddy's undivided attention for a limited/appropriate amount of time. YES go to a counselor but be prepared to make some changes in your home and routines.

I am more concerned over your feelings that she "takes over the role of wife when she is here". Than a 9 year old wanting a parent to sleep with her.

My step-mother accused me of wanting to break up her and my dad's marriage and be my dad's "wife". Uh, yuck....no...just want to spend some time with my dad and sometimes without you. No weird motives of breaking you up or wanting your role. Just love my dad and like spending time with him occasionally. (I was in my 30s when she accused me of this with my own husband and family because I wanted to have lunch occasionally with my dad.) She thought it was weird that we liked to have lunch together and that I would call him for advice on different issues.

Anyways my 10 year old with a very active imagination goes through stages where he wants to sleep with us because he is afraid or has bad dreams. I can't imagine a little girl who only sees her daddy 6 nights a month wouldn't want to spend every possible moment with him.

Everyone here is right she will not want this a 12 or 13 if she does THEN this is a problem. If she sleeps with mom at home then what was said before is right it is her normal routine and she has never learned to sleep alone.

My eight year old daughter wants to hold my hand all the time when we are out and about in parking lots, the grocery store, etc. I like that she still wants that bond with me because in less than a year I am sure she will be too big to want/need that...

I would say yes you are being a bit petty. She needs her dad's attention when she has access to him. Let her have it. She doesn't get to see him everyday and when she does she wants his attention. You are going to have to share him with her for oh, the rest of your life. Ask yourself if it was your daughter together would to resent the eating meals together or the hand holding or the need for comfort in the night?

I don't resent when my daughter wants her daddy's attention, one on one.

She isn't the "Other woman" in your husbands life she is "Another woman" in his life that you will have to learn to share him with for years to come.

What is your attitude toward this child? Do you spend time with her or make her feel welcomed?

Divorce and/or separation is very hard on kids and sounds like it has been for this child, since this child has been having trouble since 3 years old (that was the age 6 years ago). Is that also when you got involved with this man?

Please try to put yourself into this child's shoes to understand what its like to be bounced back fourth and to stay in a home where you're only welcomed there by one person.

IMO it sounds like you are jealous and taking it out on the child. Please try to step back and look at the situation from a child's perspective.

When you choose to be with someone who has children you must understand that they are a package deal.

A little girl who only sees her dad 1 night a week and two weekends a month is causing problems in your marriage? Why the heck are you making this onto an issue? It's "tearing you apart"....? You need counseling and seperately this girl needs help she has had major trama and possibly extreme anxiety issues. She can feel your resentment knock it off and get her some help. First step is you put your big girl pants on

Family therapy so you can be a UNIT.

Individual therapy for the kiddo so she can deal with her anxiety. It's not healthy - but it's UNDERSTANDABLE.

My mother divorced TWICE between when I was 10 and 15, so I speak from experience as the child here. I'm going to be very blunt.

WHY is there no-coparenting, and why does he not have contact with the doctor/therapist? This is important. Find out why. He NEEDS to be connected to HIS OWN CHILD's doctors/therapist. This is not ok. If bio-mom is getting in the way, he should talk to an attorney. His child's health/well-being is affected by him being shut out of this info. Now, if HE's the one not connecting, that's a whole different issue and he needs to start dealing with that for the sake of the child.

There are real issues at play here - but dad isn't going to deal with them if he feels like you are forcing an issue because of YOUR negative feelings about the situation.

YOU need to deal with your own issues here as well. You ARE being jealous. She is NOT taking on a wife role. For Goodness sake, she's at your home for FOUR DAYS a month and 1 month in the summer. She's 9. She is YOUR daughter too - you are her CO-PARENT.

Stop fighting about it, and work together to help that poor child feel safe in her/your home. She feels shitty enough shuttling back and forth between divorced parents who apparently don't have mature adult relationships. SOMEBODY needs to act like a grownup here.

I think that 8 days a month to have the household be about his daughter isn't too much to ask. You are probably in the 4 week visit right now, so that is causing more issues than normal right now since it isn't for just a day or two at a time - but still, you are still talking about approximately only 126 days a year that you are dealing with this. I see your point that what is going on probably indicates some deeper issues on the 9 yr olds part, but honestly it isn't your job to solve it. This is a battle you cannot win - no parent should be forced to pick between their wife and their child.

I don't know your situation (obviously) but can't you simply cheer for the home team on this one? Smile when they hold hands, encourage your husband to put a cot in the step-daughter's room so they can bond in the evening, and definitely do not get involved with trying to "fix" this.

If the step daughter is doing this to "annoy/irritate" you, seeing that it doesn't will be a step in the right direction. If the step daughter has other issues that are causing this, you will be a hero in your husband's eyes for being such a team player. It really is a win/win for everybody.

It sounds like there are other issues, too, if she is seeing a doctor/therapist - being supportive of this is only going to help your husband later when/if it turns out there are larger issues going on here.

Good luck!

Your husband is trying to meet her needs. He is trying to help his little girl. That part is great. It does seem like she's too old to have these needs. My 9 year old son sometimes has to say, "Mom, leave me alone!" though he does occasionally have nightmares and want to sleep in our bed.

I think I would focus more on helping her. Maybe there are other 9 year old girls who act in similar ways, but it does seem out of the norm to me. I think I would say that to your husband. Let him know that this concerns you. You're wondering if there's something you can do to help her feel more secure.

You said he has no interactions with her doctor or therapist. Does that mean she sees a therapist? He needs to co-parent. Things are bound to get more confusing as you enter the tween years. I think that needs to be your real concern.

I would stop focusing on making her sleep alone and start focusing on better communication with her mom and trying to figure out why she is so insecure.

Does she have any special needs issues?
How exactly does your husband think this is going to work out?
Is he still going to be sleeping with her when she's 16?

She needs to learn some independence in her sleeping habits.
Most kids are pretty happy sleeping with a teddy bear by her age.
Separation anxiety is something younger children get - 9 yrs old is a bit old for it - and this has been going on for 6 years without any improvement.
Some family therapy is in order.
When I say family therapy - I mean the daughter, her father, her mother - and you - all together - working on what's best for this child and her growth and development.

I agree that this is unusual, BUT:

In a year or two or three, max, she will not want to sleep with daddy. I think you should let it be.

Could she, and should she, sleep by herself at age 9? Sure. But it's better for dad to err on the side of being loving and attentive, and you have not been able to convince him yet, all you are doing is arguing over it.

It's not every night, and it's not worth putting a strain on your marriage. In case I am wrong about it being three years max, I PROMISE you she will not want to sleep with daddy when she's 13.

Childhood is short. Don't harm your marriage over this.

ETA: I've gotta say, holding her hand at every meal sounds worse to me. Good thing she has some time over at mom's house. I think you should just enjoy the time when she's over at mom's house so you don't have to witness this every day. It will be over soon.

Instead of fighting about it make sure you, dad and daughter are all together at her next appointment with the pediatrician. S/he can give you a referral to a family counselor or therapist who can help.

I do not understand why some posters here are deriding you and telling you that YOU need counseling. The girl is 9 YEARS OLD and still needs her daddy to sleep in her bed and hold her hand during meals after 6 years? And you're supposed to be fine with this? It's not normal and it's not because of jealousy that you are upset about it. It's because it's not normal. The girl will never be normal or have normal relations with men when she grows up if this is not addressed!!! Your husband has his stupid head in the sand over this and someone needs to straighten him out.

I don't actually believe that this will end in just a few short years the way things are going. According to what you said, the girl is already in therapy, but nothing is shared with the father about it. Your husband needs to go back to court and get his lawyer to rectify this.

There needs to be a plan with the therapist to help this girl be able to cope without Daddy holding her hand during meals and sleep in the bed with her. A weaning-off method, perhaps like sitting beside her instead of holding her hand and sitting beside the bed should be used.

There will come a time when your husband will be accused of sexual inappropriateness if someone finds out he is sleeping with her. Children don't understand that saying something about sleeping with daddy throws up red flags. And he CANNOT tell her not to tell anyone that he sleeps with her. You don't teach a child to have secrets. THE MOTHER could attempt to blackmail him into more child support by threatening to call social services on him unless he ponies up more money. It won't matter that there's no truth to it. And when they ask the girl questions and she admits (and she will) that daddy told her not to tell, the consequences will be dire. He will NEVER see the child again and they will possibly charge him with a crime and get him in the system as a child molestor. Your husband should be deathly afraid of a prosecutor who wants to get ahead in his career by using him as a stepping stone.

Tell your husband this. If he hasn't thought of it, he had better start.

So is the stepdaughter in therapy for her anxiety? Dad should be involved in that and work with mom if so.

I get why it bothers you. And in the long run, the stress it causes between you and your husband will only worsen how your stepdaughter feels coming to your house. Kids pick up on this stuff. Does your husband realize that? It's probably contributing to her unease.

As for you, I get your position totally. I think people should only be expected to be sympathetic and understanding to a point. Sounds like you have been. It's not your stepdaughter that I think is bothering you so much as your husband doesn't seem to care how you feel.

To me, that would be my issue. He's not listening to you or giving you the respect you deserve. He's putting you down. Jealous? He's being unkind to you. You have a right to your opinion and no, you're not being petty. You have concerns.

This is not doing anyone any good. Sounds like your husband is doing the avoidance thing. He's avoiding the issue (not really getting help for your daughter) and he's avoiding your issue by calling your jealous. Ugh.

If it were me, I'd tell him once more that you do not see this as healthy (for anyone) and he's not helping his daughter and he's ignoring you. I am all for dad supporting his daughter and offering comfort, but look into other options. Focus on the issue (that he shouldn't have to reassure her to this extent and should instead help her to feel secure in other ways) - and say you're willing to work on that with him.

Good luck :)

You and your DH need counseling. This is excessive, IMO. A nine year old should be able to sleep alone, not have to hold her father's hand all the time, etc. As for sitting with every meal - is this without you? We eat as a family so sitting with our DD is not unusual. Does she displace you at the table? You say he doesn't co-parent, but where is the mom? Is she the primary caregiver or someone else? Does he parallel parent? Does he parent? Or is it Disneyland every time she arrives? Do you think this is all about her or does he encourage it because he has guilt over the split household? It is not unheard of for non-custodial parents to infantalize their children as a way to still feel important during the short times they get to see their kids. My sks' BM encouraged SD to talk like a baby til she was in middle school.

If it is separation anxiety, then perhaps she also needs counseling to feel confident enough to sleep alone, etc. He needs to empower her. Does she do overnights anywhere else? Grandma's? A friend's house? What else could be done other than him sleeping with her each night? A nightlight? A special toy?

If this is not resolved (and I bet there are other issues with his attention focused on her so much), then you will be looking for a lawyer. I'm actually impressed you've lasted 6 years with this behavior. And even if you are jealous - is it for good reason? You say she takes the wife role when she is there, so that tells me that the family is unbalanced. Whenever my DH unfairly put his children ahead of me or our DD, it built resentment and issues. We nearly divorced over issues with is son, so I understand how these kinds of issues can tear you apart. Everyone I talked to said my expectations were valid - but that meant nothing til a counselor convinced DH of the same.

9 is too old for a child to sleep with their parent on a regular basis. Not sure what you can but I don't think this is typical tween behavior. Perhaps your husband should talk to his daughter's pediatrician about this.

Our grand kids often come crawl in bed with us but it's usually for a specific reason.

Find out if she sleeps at home with mom. If she does then that's why she's doing this. It's her norm.

Also. Tell him he needs to take her to her bedroom and deal with this there. She does not get to come into your bed. That's not comfortable for you so it should stop at the door.

Let him sleep on an uncomfortable twin size bed a few times and he'll start sending her to her own bed.

Also, let him know how odd it is that she's wanting to hold hands with him.

She is seriously going to have some issues if this isn't addressed by a professional. Not you.

So, wow. The co sleeping is crossing a line. But then having to sit with her and hold her hand? Super over the top.

Here's the issue though. It sounds like your husband thinks this is ok. So you continuing to push this is going to cause issues, of course.

What are your options? Will he go to marriage counseling? That would be the most obvious answer. Otherwise your choices are deal with it, or leave. Honestly. It would depend on your feelings on the matter.

But for myself, yes, I would have an issue with this. It is disrespectful to you as his wife. YES I believe that when she visits it's a special time and it should be. But it should be FAMILY time, not just daddy-daughter time. And no I don't agree the world should stop and completely revolve around her visit. This has been going on for six years. He is just doing another version of the Disney Dad and it needs to stop. It is completely messing with his daughter's head. He's catering to her outlandish demands- whether the anxiety is real or not (and that is questionable- My money is on she's fine, she's just playing him).

I have an almost 9 year old boy, and I am a single mom. I see some of this. When my son and I have been separated or I am tense and he senses it, he can get very clingy. He wants to sit pressed tightly against me on the couch. He will pull my arm and put it around him, and if I move it he'll move it back. Bedtime can be dramatic because he wants to sleep in my bed. He only recently stopped holding my hand in public, because he feels he is 'too big" for it, but occasionally I see him trying to reach for my hand before he thinks better of it. So I do get it. But it's also not okay, past a certain point. I feel for you because I understand. Dad needs to put his foot down though. In the end it's on him.