Staying Attracted to Husband

Since "all he needs is just some reconstruction," ask him when he would like to have a dental appointment to begin work on that--once he is in the chair, the hygienist and/or dentist will address his pungent aroma--especially if you give them a heads up and ask them to do this. Sometimes it is easier to hear something from an expert instead of someone who is close to us. Good luck

One thing I've learned: Men don't respond to hints. They just don't get it. When a man gives a hint, he'll give you a picture, a diagram, a dealer/manufacturer, and the price tag. Women tend to get coy and silly and vague . . . and our men just tune us out.

I didn't have the bad breath problem with my hubby, but when we got married he hadn't seen a dentist in well over five years. He also had developed adult-onset asthma but wouldn't go see a doctor.

I like to think of myself as an untypical female. I didn't get passive aggressive or coy or anything like that. I scheduled him a dentist appointment on a day and time I knew he was available (and I also scheduled a cleaning for myself on the same day). I then gave him the information in a very matter-of-fact way. Sort of a: "I made myself an appointment for a dental cleaning on the 5th, and they had an extra opening so I made an appointment for you, too. Here's the name and number just in case you want to call and cancel the appointment."

My hubby grumped a little bit about "hating the dentist" but he kept the appointment and has been faithfully going to his annual check-ups and cleanings every year.

The doctor's appointment was a bit more interesting. He WENT to the appointment, but refused to fill the prescription for the inhaler because he didn't want to be "dependent" on an inhaler. (Struggling and fighting to breath is apparently preferable?) I spent most of the summer walking around holding the phone wondering if I was going to need to call 911 because he was having such a tough time breathing. I finally went to the grocery store and bought an over-the-counter inhaler. He unpacked the groceries and found it. He looked at it and said: "Is this for you?" I replied: "I don't have asthma, babe." Then I walked out of the room without saying anything about it. He spent a couple of minutes looking at the box with a disgusted expression on his face. But darn if he didn't use it. After less than five minutes he started holding his chest and saying (with surprise) that the inhaler was working.

I could've bipped him upside the head. What did he THINK would happen if he used a medication specifically designed for asthma to TREAT his asthma attack?!?!?! Aaaarrrggg.

Anyway, he filled his inhaler prescription and that was all he would do for a couple of years. Last year he FINALLY started getting treated for his allergy symptoms and is now taking allergy shots.

I hope I gave you a chuckle through all of this. But my advice: Stop giving him hints. Make him an appointment. (Chances are he has some fear about the dentist.)

It also sounds as though there is something else going on. I'm wondering if he is insecure about your relationship. Is he afraid you're going to leave him? Just from what you've described, it sounds as though he is deliberately trying to push you away. I'm thinking that because he expects that you are going to dump him, he's trying to give himself some control over the relationship - He's going to turn himself into a pig and a slob to make you dump him.

Perhaps he just needs some reassurance that you're not going anywhere and you don't want HIM to go anywhere - so you want to make darn sure he stays healthy. (I'd focus on healthy rather than attractive.)

I wish I could help you, but I ended up getting divorced..I think in part because of those problems you talk about. my husband would ride his bike back and forth to work in california in 90 degreee weather, not take a shower and expect me to have sex that evening! yuck!!!

I'm very sensitive to smells and will stop dating someone because of it. It doesn't mean they smell bad to everyone, but it's just something you don't like. One thing I know for sure, men don't understand our "hints"! You have to be blunt. I would suggest telling him right out that you love him and want to kiss him and make love, but you would really like him to brush his teeth first. Just tell him it's important to you. recognize it's not important to everyone, but it is to you and that's what matters! don't hold it in and expect him to know why you're angry. trust me, it doesn't work and 10 years from now you'll just be pissed all the time and not really understand why or how you got that way.

good luck. i can't wait to hear what happens.

Get your man to the dentist! It can have a huge impact on his overall health as well as on your relationship. Make sure your husband knows how much you are concerned about both.

Fear keeps many people away from the dentist so make sure that the one he goes to practices "gentle dentistry".

A.,

I can sympathize completely. I've been married for almost 7 years and together for almost 12. Same scenario with the teeth though. I have found that men in general don't get hints at all. You must be frank and honest with him. Tell him exactly how much you miss kissing him, how repugnant it is to do so now. And ask him if he has issues on why he doesn't want to take care of his teeth. My husband now brushes pretty much everyday and especially if he wants to get close to me. Our marriage counselor also helped by letting him know that you can add 2 years just by flossing! He probably isn't not brushing to hurt your feelings. Some guys it's just not a natural thing to do.

Best of luck!

K.

First of all let me say that its wonderful that you are asking for advice on this and not just letting it go. I do have to question though did things just change in the past year or was he this way before you got married. this is a question maybe you should ask yourself. I understand that him gaining the weight happened in the past year but people tend to do this in a marriage as they get comfortable its usually women that put on the weight but I can see where a man would as well. Another thing you need to ask yourself is do you love him unconditionally and does he love you the same way. If you truly love him you sometimes have to accept there faults as well. You are very up on taking care of yourself and you think he should be as well but unfortunatly thats not the way things work. What is imortant to you may not be as important to him and this is where you need to ask yourself is if this is a make it or break it situation. In my experience hinting doesnt work with men they dont have the same intuition women do you have to be very strait forward with them. If this is something that is VERY important to you, you need to give it to him strait. Have you ever heard the saying the mom sets the mood of the house? If you are not happy your family wont be as well. Marriage is work there is nothing easy about it and many people are in your same shoes. Tell him strait what is bothering you. Help him rectify the issue. I am pretty sure if he knew you felt this strongly about the situation and he knew that your attraction to him is failing he should try to do whatever it takes to save his marriage. Communication is key. Good luck I hope things get better

Oh hunnny you need to sit him down and tell him seriously in a non-judgemental way that it is a turn off and he needs to brush his teeth.

There will be so many other things where you will need to tell your husband the truth-cold and hard as it may be and they are bigger than this one.

I would let him know that if he does things like brush his teeth, or use Listerine, guess what? He GETS to do other things with his mouth too. Things that he probably would love to do to his sexy, fit wife. Then, that activity might help him burn a few calories!

Oh girl!! I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you HAVE to be honest with him! It's just going to get worse and you can't be happy with someone that you aren't attracted to. Maybe try to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart. You don't have to be blunt or mean, just tell how much you love him and want to be with him, but......
You should also remind him how much you do to keep yourself attractive, just for him, and why he should be doing the same for you.
My hubby and I are blunt and honest with each other but we have a sense of humor about it. We joke about bad breath or morning breath and I make him brush his teeth before we get all smoochy and stuff. We think it's funny.

As far as smoking goes, that will always give him bad breath. You guys should talk about ways to help him quit. Besides it being terrible for him and anyone that breathes it.
Maybe try to get him to eat healthier too. Not all of this at once will work, he will think you are totally trying to change him, but good luck!

Hey A., I know exactly how you feel. I had the same experience begin during my first pregnancy, when smells were so evident to me. I for the first time noticed my own husbands breath smelled horrible. I thought it was just the pregnancy. But my oldest is almost 5 years old and this has stuck with me ever since! My husband is a lot like yours. He only brushes once a day, never flosses, etc... My husband is kind of like yours, where I can tell him something and he never "hears" me. But I've recently learned that sometimes he will really listen to me if I get his whole attention, make sure there isn't any distractions around, tv on, etc... I hold his hands, for some reason the physical contact really gets his attention. And then I as gently (and quietly) tell him how I feel. I make it really simple. Like, "I love you. I really want you to kiss me again, but for whatever reason I can't seem to let this go." My husband also loves sex, and I kind of gently started a game, that he wasn't gonna get anything until he shaved and brushed his teeth, and that included using mouthwash. It worked. Now he even remembers BEFORE he comes to bed, (only on nights he wants sex that is). It seems the only times he really hears me when I say something I've repeated is when I'm really gentle and sweet in my voice (almost like baby talking to him as dumb as that sounds). I ask him if he loves me and if he's trying to push me away. Of course he'll say no. "Then say, but honey, what else am I supposed to feel when I've told you this and you still won't respect me enough to brush your teeth for me? That shows me that you don't even love me enough to do something as simple as that for me." For whatever reason that phrase is the only thing that works for my husband. When he really hears it in terms of me not sounding like his mother, but saying look, this really bothers me, but your actions are showing me you don't respect my feelings and that hurts me. He seems to finally "get it" when its put in perspective of what he is actually doing instead of playing a game that he thought I liked playing.
Men are stupid, I know. I'm sorry, I've had to live with this too.
But goodluck. I feel for you.
H. in Grandview
mom of 2 boys, (almost 5) and 2!

The time for hinting has passed. It's time to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. You say you don't want to hurt his feelings, but don't you think his feelings will be hurt if you just stop being intimate with him? If his breath is truly this bad, it's undoubtedly hurting him in other areas, like his career.

He could also be depressed. Losing interest in taking care of yourself is one of the key indicators of depression. If things don't improve after a good conversation, you might want to try to get him to see a mental health professional.

I think a good way to approach it without hurting his feelings too much would be to say something like...I really love the way you kiss, or I love kissing you. I would love to do it a lot more if you maybe brushed more. Then say, just the idea of kissing without brushing turns me off a little. It's just the way I am, but I want to kiss you more and this would help me.
In general, you get the idea. You can say something to that effect maybe. Then it sounds more like a quirk you have and less like an insult to him. I have similar issues with my husband, so I can sympathize. For years I tried to hint without it doing much good.
I would definitely recommend trying to face the issue with him asap, because it will only affect you both negatively until you do. Once it's out there, it will hopefully be resolved and you can move on to happier days. good luck.

A., wow, this is tough as the others said. I think they have the right approach. Although honesty can burn a little, at least he will know that it's his hygiene and not another man that is turning you off. More information that may help you get the point across...your dental care significantly affects your heart. I realize he isn't too "worried" since he smokes, my husband did too for 12 of the 13 years we have been married, now he dips snuff...not much better for me but saves the kids. Anyway, suggest that he should go for the reconstruction. If that's what he thinks he needs then great. The dentist will tell him otherwise. As for the working out, Happiness! He's going with you? Mine has specifically stated, NO, we will not work out together! And we have a full gym at home! Keep him going with you, let him know how much you enjoy him being there and it will give a more positive spin. If he wants the burger after, fine, he would probably be eating the burger anyway without the workout. Apparently you are both young or he would realize how important his health is getting. Mine just started even though he's active duty military, he just realized it's important because of his age. Give him time and try to be patient. I know it's hard but you sound like you really love him and that's what we have to do sometimes. Best of luck and let me know if you have other questions.

It sounds like subtlety isn't going to cut it with your husband. Since it sounds to me like he may have a sense of humor (saying "whatever mom") perhaps you should take an overly direct route with him. The next time your husband tries to kiss you, tell him "Honey, your breath smells like a dying corpse. Have you eaten any rotten bodies today?" Keeping it silly might take the sting out of what you need to tell him. If I were you, I wouldn't tell him about everything that is bothering you all at once. Spread it out so it won't seem so overwhelming to him. I know my husband would have a hard time hearing that I was losing my attraction to him. I think it also wouldn't hurt to just make that dentists appt. for him. Tell him a little white lie, like the dentists office requires an initial cleaning and evaluation for all new patients. It sounds plausible.

Good Luck!!!

That's a tough one. You married for better or worse. I would just talk to him straight and tell him his chronic bad breath is a huge turnoff. It also could be a sign something is medically wrong in his mouth. He hasn't gone to the dentist for regular checkups? Is it because he doesn't want to or you didn't have dental coverage. Now that you do find a "foo foo" dentist that has perks like movies while he had a cleaning/ massage chairs/ offer free whitening with initial exam. They also have sedation dentistry if you think he's uncomfortable with dental work like a lot of people are.
As far as the weight issue goes, at least he'd going to the gym with you. That's a start. Just plan healthy meals at home for the family-make his lunch and yours to take to work and add the veggies and fruit. Put a "love note" in the lunch pail. If you are straight forward with him but also don't take back "some of the love" if you know what I mean-he might come around. Good luck.

I can completely understand about not wanting to hurt his feelings however this is something that needs to be addressed in a serious manner. I only say that because you have tried to go about it in an easier way and it is failing. You two need to sit down and have a talk about this and how it is affecting you and your *new* marriage. Perhaps he doesn't realize how much it all bothers you. On another note he seems to be aware of what's going on because it does seem to bother him(so you stated and maybe he is honestly embarassed and his pride is in his way of wanting to take hints from you or getting anything done abou it. I wish you the best of luck.

My My MY you sound like you are in a bind...Like having three kids huh? Sounds like he has that "I'm a new daddy and husband and I need to find my place here so I can get into the groove of it all". By lacking in things that are important to you it gets your attention and that is a good thing because he's telling you what is wrong.

OK, so here's the deal, try to enhance your relationship girlfriend. Think of the things you did when you first met, sounds like not long ago,,and that will be a start. Then you can build on enhancing the relationship, finding new things you, as a couple enjoy, and as a family unit enjoy.

Then,
Engage his attention by talking about and relating ideas to his interest. Find out more about him and what interests him. In short, make him feel interesting and wanted! He's a new daddy and husband, that's so cool!
It is really important for him to feel like he has a unique relationship with you and the kids. This will give him a sense of value and self worth and help with his social competence with you all as a family. He's so worth it!!

Best Wishes to you and your family and oh your new little one!
G.

What's worse...being direct and open with your husband now (while he still has a chance) or letting the marriage deteriorate to the point of no return? If your marriage is dying for you now, then talk about it...NOW. Try to remember why you married him and be gentle but direct with him. He should be one of your closest friends...and you should feel more than able to directly confide in him. Tell him that you've tried to talk to him and that you feel discouraged when he makes comments like "whatever mom." Make sure that he understands the importance of (clean) intimacy to you. Also keep in mind that your marriage is very young and in the "working out the kinks" stage....this sometimes lasts for a couple of years. To top that off, you have a very young baby in the household who no doubt adds a bit of strain to your relationship. Be gentle with yourself and your husband, and talk, talk, talk. Don't wait until you've totally died inside.

Have you sat him down at a normal time (like, not when he asked for sex) and just said "you know, it's really not cool that you don't brush your teeth. It makes it so that I don't want to have sex with you. I love you very much and we have our wonderful children, but it's really starting to effect our relationship." Or something like that.

I wouldn't mention the 15 lbs though, men can be just as sensitive about weight as women.

Well, I didn't read all the responces... But it seems like he isn't getting your hints. What is so WRONG with just coming out and telling him that his breath is offensive and makes you feel less attracted to him especially since he's not getting the hints and you are going the extra mile to make yourself appeasing?

Hi A.,

I feel your pain! I've been married 2.5 years and together for 4 years.. my husband has gained 40lbs, snores like a chainsaw and thinks his poor hygiene and bathroom habits are funny.. (There are a lot of fart jokes at my house) ..
I just came right out and said "I'm not kissing you - your breath is nasty" .. and "IF you don't lose some weight and stop snoring, you're sleeping downstairs" .. The hints werent getting through and it was a wasted effort trying to give him opportunities to take care of himself.. a couple nights on the couch downstairs and a week of me completely ignoring his sexual advances and he's using the eliptical machine every other day and taking better care of his mouth, brushing and flossing twice a day! .. I try to be encouraging by noticing the little things (hmm.. sounds like a role reversal here!).. and telling him to keep up the good work and exercise.. so far, so good!

Hey A.! Did you ever get the point across to your hubby?
I enjoyed your letter, because I have the same thing with my
husband. He HATES to brush and fuss with his teeth, but I finally had to put my foot down and just come right out and tell
him I hated kissing him because his bad breath made me feel like vomiting!!! He got the idea! I also gave him some really great
toothpaste called Melaleuca Tooth Polish. Ever heard of it? WOW! It cleared up his bad breath and totally healed his red
and sore gums, and when I finally got him to see the dentist
after 10 years (!) she said his teeth were bad but they would have been worse if he hadn't have brushed with a good toothpaste.
Look forward to hearing from you...I hope you got your
kisser back (I did!).
:>) J.

A....I honestly don't have anything hugely helpful to say but I wanted to give you a virtual hug and say hang in there girlfriend. It must be so frustrating! My husband and I have been married 10 years so I know that I could just sit him down and look into his eyes and say "I love you babe but here's the deal...your breath is really becoming a problem for me and I need you to honor our marriage by taking this request to heart....." blah blah blah. But only having a year under your belt, I can see why it's hard to know exactly how to approach things. Sometimes I find that when I come at my husband from the starting point of "I love you to death but....." it softens the blow. Good luck A.!

Hey there - It has taken me almost two years to get passed the beer breath my husband has. Men generally do not care about their hygiene...which sucks. Anyway, I believe that you are also ultra sensative to smells. Your body still is hormonal per say. Remember when you were pregnant and you could smell something from like a mile away? Well, I think that your senses are still in overdrive. I agree with the others about talking to him about what is bothering you....keep the communication open. It's hard. I know. If it's worth it you will work it through. Good luck.

His bad breathe is because he has decay in his mouth. He is going to loose all his teeth (if it hasn't already progressed to that point) if he doesn't see a dentist. He could be phobic (afraid) of going to the dentist. You need to sit him down and tell him that his breathe is not only a turn off for you but a sign that his teeth are going really bad. I hate the dentist, anything that sounds like a dentist drill makes me squimish. I let my teeth go. I now have dentures. Though for the first time in my life I have straight pretty teeth they are nothing like the real thing. But no more bad breathe. The health of your teeth can affect your overall health also.

A.,

Hello my name is S. and I have just read you article. I feel so bad; the only way I think to handle this with out feeling like your going to hurt his feelings, is let him no how this makes you feel and maybe even throw in something about how it affects the children cause of course second-hand smoke is a lot worse. Maybe if that doesn't work try family intervention cause maybe it affects others as well. Me knowing my husband granted I am blessed to have a husband that doesn't smoke but i know that if it was him he would want to know cause the just is that you make exceptions to kiss him even when his breath is bad. Please let me know what happens...

Sincerely,
S.

P.s
I hope to hear back soon,
God Bless