Stay at Home Moms: Need Advice!!

If you do not have a routine (even a loose one), consider making one. If she had a regular routine before where she had time apart from her sister and didn't have to share you all day, then maybe that's why she's acting out. When the little one is napping spend some 1 on 1 time with the 3 yr old. She may not be a napper anymore. My DD doesn't nap regularly.

Be consistent. Warn her firmly but without yelling that she is working on a time out. Then put her in time out and ignore her protests. If she does it again, then she goes back again.

Pretty much everyone I've lamented to about my 3.5 yr old says yup, they're going through the same thing. It's a tough age. Tougher than the 2s, IMO. Hang in there.

She is used to being with her friends, she is used to having a routine and having her favorite toys to play with. You took all those things away. She misses her "family" at child care. So she is mad at you in her own little way. It will take time for her to forget about child care and how much fun she had.

Just be patient or you could consider going back to work at least part time so she could go visit.

Find Suppernanny on the TV and watch several episodes of it. Take notes all the way through. Use her advice.

Your daughter has gone from a place with 100% structure to your structure. What kind of structure do you offer? If you don't have much, that is a big problem and probably what is driving this behavior.

Do some research and fashion a "daycare" week in your house. Use Supernanny's approach to discipline. Don't go out to do chores and errands during this time. Wait until you have gotten some success in handling her. Then approach going out just like Supernanny does.

Good luck!
Dawn

Do not second guess yourself. 3 can be a HARD age to deal with...worse the 2 sometimes.

I was not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, so after 3 years I went to work. Do I wish I stayed at home somedays? Sure do. Are there days I am grateful for the break from the house? Absolutely.

YOU are the best mom for these kid's, so even when there are hard days, don't think you're not the best that you can be for them.

P.S. - spanking and yelling are not the worst things that will happen to her in her life either. So give yourself a break :).

This is a big adjustment for both of you.
What was her daycare situation before? Was she in a group setting? At three and a half it's hard to be home all day with mom and baby sister. Bored kids are cranky kids. Make sure you get her out as much as possible. Even just running around at the park for an hour makes a huge difference. If you can afford to send her to preschool a few mornings a week do it. It will be good for both of you. Hook up with some other moms so you have some companionship and support.
Above all else, make sure you are staying at home because that's what YOU want, not because you feel pressured to! SAHMs are no better than working moms, we all love our kids and want the best for them.
ETA: she's probably done with naps, but you can still enforce quiet time :)

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First I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I feel the same way all the time and am in sort of the same boat (just-turned 4 yr old girl and just-turned 2 yr old b/g twins). I worked till my twins were born. My oldest was two and acted out a lot. It got better but then three was definitely a challenge in the sassiness dept. That is also when we dropped her down from 5 to 2 days a week in preschool, and we had a LONG adjustment period with her acting out. Now with the toddlers it's a whole new ball game. My oldest is def getting sweeter, I always hear 4 is a lot better than 3. Just have to deal with all the questions, so between that and my twins whining for stuff, just for example, I almost cried two separate times yesterday. I am cranky a lot and have to go sit in the bathroom for a few minutes sometimes. I agree that some of it probably is adjustment and some of it is age. I say give it some time and we were recommended by Parents as Teachers to try to limit what we punish for and let minor stuff go. I think in another 6-12 months your life will be much more enjoyable - your toddler will be more manageable to take out and your oldest will seem like such a big kid and enjoyable. Good luck and thank you for reminding me that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Welcome to my world! I don't know why people complain about the terrible two's. 3-1/2 seems to be the magic age where my children turn into whining, willful, disobedient, and picky little monsters.

My older son, who used to be the easiest baby in the world is 3-1/2. He is now super-cranky, hates bed time, and hates going to the bathroom. This is all new. He is also very jealous of his 15-month-old brother and constantly fights with his six year old sister. I find I'm doing a lot of yelling these days.

But the good news is that my daughter went through this too. She was way worse. She mellowed out by her fourth birthday. 4-1/2 was another story.....

This is most likely just a phase that will work itself out on its own. For some reason, my children go through phases of bad behavior at their "half" ages. I have been able to ride out the storms so far without having to do anything drastic.

Hang in there. I hope things get better for you soon.

3 years old is a hard age.
You need to know about age-related development.
Get books, or look it up online.

Then, 16 months old is a different age development.
3 years old and 16 months old, is vastly different.

Older siblings, often are "expected" to be the "example" for their younger siblings. But this is not fair. Because, they are little kids themselves who don't have complete knowledge about life or how to be a sibling. So you need to teach this to the children. Eldest siblings, often get "stress" too. Because of all the "expectations" upon them. But they don't know how to ... handle it all. They are still developing too. And are young. They don't have fully developed "emotions" yet nor brains. Nor impulse-control. Nor do they even have the vocabulary to say things, they don't even have the ability to articulate and express themselves in a perfect way. It is taught. They don't even know the "names" for their feelings, nor how to express it. It is taught. Nor do they have, fully developed "coping-skills" nor deductive or inductive reasoning skills. It is taught.

And kids at 3 years old and older, do get "bored." And they have different needs, than a baby. They need.... more socialization, more physical activity, more interaction. This is a good age for Preschool.

Kids this age also need structure. And they respond well to "routines." A child needs to know... what is coming up next. And you can also begin to teach her things. ie: her alphabets, colors, shapes, numbers, etc.

Staying home with a child or children, takes a lot of effort. And yes, it is not easy.

You can also teach the oldest, about how to "help" you. And then "praise" her verbally, for it. A child this age cannot clean the house just like an adult. But, you can teach her to "try your best...." and teach her how to wipe the tables for example. How to "help" you. But not in a way that pressures her. Some kids, will resist... because they think they have to do things... PERFECTLY, so that they don't get scolded. So then they don't want to do it at all. But it is only because, of the "expectations" that are upon them.

Kids this age, who are toddlers or 3 or 4 years old, don't know how to handle all of life's difficulties or frustrations. Not even some adults know that. So keep "expectations" age, appropriate. Teach her, that she can communicate with you. Talk with her. Let her express herself to you. Teach her that. It is also "bonding" with the child.

Kids this age are not perfect. Nor can they be perfect. And they will make "mistakes" over and over again. It is childhood.
But as you teach the child rules.... they will learn. You also need to role-play with her. Teaching her how.... she can say things, in a more palatable way. This is the age that a child needs to learn this.
It is taught.
It is not a skill, that a child has automatically.

Many kids, also need to know why... not just told "no."
Explain things to her.
But just encourage her to "try your best...." So that, the child can... attain, a sense of mastery over their reactions and problem-solving.
Kids don't automatically KNOW how to "problem solve" for their frustrations. It is taught.

The "Eldest" child.... is often expected to do and be, so many things. Of which, they are not even developmentally able yet, to do or be.
Hence, they get frustrated.
When I had my 2nd child.... I was very careful about my eldest and spending tons of time with her. She needed more "bonding" with me, since her brother was born. My daughter was about 3.75 years old at the time. But although I was careful with her and talked with her often... she once told me "Mommy, I'm just a little girl, not an adult!" and right there, I realized all the "stress" she had... in her little child's mind... about her place in the family. And about how... things were affecting her.
The Eldest child, has a lot on their little shoulders.
And they need for us to realize that.
My daughter due to her age, had different needs. And at that age, she went to Preschool and loved it.
And I had to spend a TON of time, on her, per her age and development.... because at this age, they need Mommy more. Not just time-outs and scoldings and being told "no" all day. They need interaction and quality time. And to feel important, in relation to their younger sibling.
Kids this age get frustrated.
And they need to be taught... about how to handle it all.

I have been a SAHM for about 9 years. Since my eldest was born.

Sometimes, and eldest child will act like that, frustrated, because they need us more, at that time.
You have to be able to "discern"... when your child is being willful or just needing you more. And talk with her about "why" she is frustrated. It will take practice. They need us to "hear" them, as much as we want them to hear us.
That is how... you build a "relationship" with your child.
And this is very important. And it will teach your child that they can, communicate with you.

Once, my son got scolded by my Husband. Why? Well, my son was cleaning the room/wiping the tables while my Husband was exercising. And my son dropped something by accident. Well, to my Husband all he thought was that my son was being "noisy." And he scolded my son. Well then my son started crying. And then my Husband scolded him for that "noise." But my son did NOT do anything "wrong." He was cleaning. And was proud of it. So then, my son told my Husband "I am upset that you scolded me... I didn't do anything wrong! Go away!" It took my Husband a few seconds, to realize that he was not being, cognizant of the situation because he scolded my son for HIS frustration... and my son was not doing anything "wrong." My Husband was just irked, because my son dropped something by accident. It was not something "wrong" my son did. He was being a kid... and was helping cleaning.
So, my Husband APOLOGIZED.
A parent, has to realize these things to, and to be able to discern the child and the situation. And to also, recognize that.
It is not with every little thing, that is wrong.
You need to teach a child... about things.

Adults are fussy too.
Adults are crabs too.
Adults vent too and don't know how.
Adults have bad days too.
But adults are supposed to know how to handle it. Some don't.
So for a child of 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 years old, they are needing to be taught, about how to manage... this too.

I found lots of help with these two sites for my children. Making the child responsible for their own actions based on their age.

http://headandheartparent.com/
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Parenting is not convenient, its tough but the best thing you'll do.

I didn't read your profile, but I'm going to guess you have been a working mom and this is the first time you have spent any significant time with your daughter and your transition is kind of a baptism by fire with getting used to homelife versus working.

Everything you mention is NORMAL toddler behavior for a child your daughter's age. You aren't doing anything wrong. She's just at the age where kids will test boundaries. And for the most part, kids this age are pretty much grown out of naps, so don't do naps anymore either.

You might benefit from reading up on some parenting books to get appropriate and positive direction with discipline and ideas of age appropriate activities for your daughter. She'll be Kindergarten age before you know it, and she is probably ready for some challenging and brain stimulating games and activities like arts and crafts, beginning dance or gymnastics, or music. If you have the energy and time, you could start doing pre-reading activities with her to get her ready for school. She sounds like a smart kid who may be ready for reading and writing. She's also at an age now where she can be put in charge of simple household tasks like picking up around the house, setting the table, folding laundry, putting her own clothes away, picking out her own clothes and dressing herself, and helping you with baby sis.

You might be pleasantly surprised by what she's able to do now. Give her more responsibilities and promise her immediate and fun rewards. Don't give into the urge to bark at her if she's not compliant. Say if you can help with this, then we can go to the park. If you can show me that you are responsible with making your bed and getting dressed, then we can look into dance lessons. You get the idea. Just realize, she's almost done with being a baby and I suspect you are expecting her to be interested in doing and behaving the same as her younger sis. She's frustrated and as a result you're getting frustrated.

This can be a fun age for you and your daughter. Now is the time to start exploring things that she might take on as interests when she begins school. Have fun and plan more activities if your schedule and other child allow.

Lastly, no need to apologize for hiding in the bathroom. I say it's a healthy and okay thing to do if the kids are getting to you. And no matter how good the kids are there are just days where they can get to you and you need a break.

Look into finding a playgroup so you can socialize and get a little break from being up on the kids so closely. Or, when hubby gets home, take an hour off and get out of the house. You'll feel better.

I say the big help is giving yourself a break and realize you're not a bad mom. You just may need to look into finding a new routine that will meet the needs of both children and yourself. You are all 3 in different stages and you might have to look into finding more age appropriate activities either at home or away for your older daughter to bring some balance to the home. She's probably ready.

kids go through stages.. some stages are awful.. maybe just a stage of being naughty.. could be you are with her 24/7 and gettting on each others nerves.. she could be bored..

do you play with her.. get down and play a game color.. pretend.... have a positive time with her.. do you get out of the house.. go to a park.. the library.. the mall..

My2girls,
I too stay home with my,soon to be two year old.Im going through the same thing,Im going to try joining the Y.M.C.A my sister did it with her 2yr old and LOVES it.She gets to work out,swim ect...and her daughter gets to play with other kids for a couple hours.They have on site day care there.Too much of anything or anyone isnt good.She needs "her time"too just we do as adults.Youre not a bad mom by ANY means.I tell myself almost everyday,there are moms that would love to stay home with their little ones,so appreciate it.(to myself,not you!!)but Im saying,find a happy medium,a balance and schedule,thats what Im lacking.Good luck!!!!

My son changed from a sweetie pie to a little raving monster at age 3. Oh boy, that was a hard year or two! So, perhaps it is just her age. At the time I worked 20 hrs a week and I really relished that peaceful time at work. Now I stay home and have a 2.5 year old and my son is in school. Things are much easier because her temperament is so different. But we will see if she changes when she turns 3 - I hope not! My advice is to get out every morning and tire your 3 year old out - really make her hike/play/run outside at a trail, a park, a playground, whatever you have near you. Have another friend or 2 meet you with their kids so you have an adult to talk to. Then come home for lunch and hopefully you will have tired her out so much she will be good and take her nap. (Sadly, my 2.5 year old has just stopped taking naps - noooooo!)

My2girls:

First - take a deep breath!!! It's OKAY!!!

Second - 3 and 4 were hard ages for my daughter (my boys not so much - 4 & 5 were harder with them). That she made it to 25 was surprising!! :) This is the age of independence. Challenging the status quo, boundaries, limits and the all encompassing - "I can DO IT MYSELF". At 3 and 4 - their vocabulary has picked up. They understand more. Cause and affect...

Consistency is what counts. the same punishment every time.
If you tell her no. The answer doesn't change at the 10th whine with the same question. You can stop it faster by being consistent and stating - "If you ask me this question again. The answer will still be NO. And if you ask me again - you will lose (TV time)(play time)(go to bed 10 minutes earlier) whatever you need to take away to get your point across. But you MUST do what you said the consequence was or else you've lost.

You are doing FINE!!! Just be consistent. We all do things we regret and we learn from it. So set the rules. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Lead by example!!

You've already gotten plenty of advice on how to handle the problems, but I wanted to add another vote for "It's all in the age!" I have a three and a half year old who was the sweetest little mama's boy ever until about a month and a half ago. Good word! What a drastic change! And nothing else to explain it except that he is in a very boundary-pushing, independent stage right now. I think they feel obligated to test us constantly, just to see if we really, really mean it or if we're just putting on a facade of toughness when they push things. I PROMISE it gets better and has nothing to do with you staying home (unless you don't set and keep consistent boundaries). Good luck, hang in there, and try to enjoy the good/sweet moments as much as possible!

I thought we escaped the "terrible twos" then the threes hit! Waaaay worse! LOL

At 3-1/2, she might be done with naps. That's OK. Crabby days--put her to bed early.

Try "quiet time" and let her watch a 30 min DVD or listen to a story CD IN HER ROOM! (preferably at the same time the other O. naps!)

I also agree with the PP that suggested some sort of a schedule--but keep it flexible. Example: errand in the morning, lunch, naps, play, dinner, etc.

It's also OKAY for you to put yourself in a time out! (Just make sure the kids are in "safe" spots....they'll be OK for 10-15 minutes.)

oh sweetie, I really feel for you! have you tried some of the 1-2-3 methods?

She was used to the other routine! This is a life change for her & she's resenting it. Were there other children her age to play with before February? It's not easy to adjust to a complete change - even when you're an adult. I think she needs a lot of understanding & patience on your part while her frustration to things being totally different becomes more familiar. She's just acting out her resentment to change.

3 is THE WORST!! Ugh! I suggest keeping her as busy as possible - she's old enough for preschool (don't feel bad - you'll both love the break from each other, plus it give you time alone with your other child), plan outings, like playdates, the park, anything active to keep her occupied. I think a lot of time kids act out because they're bored. And a bored 3 year old.... forget about it!

What about rules, expectations, boundaries, and consequences? Have you set those up & are you consistent? Kids need structure, whether at daycare or at home.

In the meantime, I would read some books about parenting, to help you figure out how to cope.