Stay at Home Mom Frustrations

I just got a book from the library that I am working on reading (not an easy take with 7 yr old triplets). It is called "Beyond Time Out" from Chaos to Calm. It talks about the imbalance of family power and how to get it back.I have been having power struggles with my kids as well and find myself screaming constantly and they still don't listen. Here is a link to reviews of the book. http://parentingbooks.suite101.com/article.cfm/review_of_...

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Time-Out-Beth-Grosshans-Ph-D...

Good luck. :)

Yeah--at least the PT waitress job had a paycheck, eh??!!! LOL
3 is way worse than 2 and he sounds like every other 3 year old boy I've ever known (including my own, 4 years ago).
All I can tell you is what worked for me when I was in a SAHM funk like you are now.

First, keep in mind that you are doing the most under-appreciated but most important job in the WORLD: raising children.

Second, for me, when things felt negative every day, I found that when I checked myself, it was ME that was negative everyday. Switch the vibe in your home to something more positive. Encourage him, praise him (even if you do it through clenched teeth at first) and stop yelling. There's no faster way to get a kid to tune you out. Whisper if you have to to get his attention. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Take time to be super silly with him and have some laughs, laughs, laughs....his attitude will then change into, at best 50/50! LOL

Third, these pre-school years go by fast. Trust me. You will never regret that you have stayed home with your kids during these years once they are off to school full time.

Fourth, it would benefit you to become the master of delayed gratification. You can eat lunch in peace in a few more years. You will get time to pursue a career again...and hopefully, you will smile at two kids who have been raised by a loving SAHM. It will all be worth it. These "little years" are fleeting and you won't get them back for a do-over.

We have 5 girls. Ages 11 down to 4. I switched to the word obey last year. I used to call it listen, but now I call it obey. All kids listen, they listen to us talk, they listen to us tell them what to do and how to do it, they listen to us yell. Listening doesn't require anything on their part. Now, having to obey what you say is a different story. This requires action. It takes a little time for them to realize that they need to obey immediately. Obedience is very important.

It took me a while to retrain myself to stop yelling. I received some wonderful advice, that the more angry you get the softer you talk. Instead of getting louder get quieter sweeter and closer to their level. NO one likes being yelled at. If we were being yelled at all day would we have any desire to do what we are supposed to? Ummm, no we would not. Praise 10 times more than you discipline.

Next, when I ask my youngest children to do something. I tell them what I want them to do or not to do. Then I tell them they must obey what I have said. If they don't do it, I ask them "would you like for me to help you obey?" At first, and sometimes still I have to get them away from what they are doing wrong, or take them over to pick up what I have asked them to pick up. If they throw a tantrum or refuse, I don't say a word, I pick that child up and put them on their bed and close the door. When they stop their fit I let them out and try the task again. You must stick with it until they obey or the child learns if they hold out long enough you will give in.

Training to obey takes patience and time and love. But it will work. It will never be accomplisted by yelling. My mother yelled at me my whole life and I HATED IT. I never listened to a thing she said. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror while you're yelling? You should. It will really make you think if that is the way you want your son to think of your face.

I still have slip ups and get frustrated and yell, but it's rare. Also, when I'm having extremely frustraing days, a walk around the block or just a trip outside does wonders for the sanity. Do something fun with your boy, you will both feel better.

Hello R.,

Caring for 2 children under the age of 3 can be tiring, hope you have a daily routine that included taking care of "YOU" first, so you have enough to give back to them, I mean making a little time for exercise, meditation, talking to friends ( for adult conversation) etc.

Please seek help and talk to a family therapist if you need to.

Having a routine for your son, that includes outdoor active play time, social play- play dates, art/ craft, dress up/pretend play, reading time, TV time, library trips.. can help with the flow of the week. Local bookstores have free story time for kids his age and so does the library.

If he does not go to pre-school yet, may be it is time for you to explore that option. If money is an issue, find a state funded, free/subsidized program you can enroll him in.

Please research Ages and Stages milestones/ behavior norms etc for 3-4 year old. Knowledge is Power, may be in the meantime you need to take time to help yourself be more centered and acknowledge that you are not a super woman, Parenting is NOT a perfect process, it is on-going learning experience.

Staying home, a financially responsible decision on your part, you should be proud of yourself, it is NOT for everyone, be honest with yourself and figure out a solution that works best for your family.

Regroup your thoughts and choose to live each day with a positive attitude, take care of yourself so you'll be a happier mother who is glad/thankful to be home for her family. Enjoy this time of wonder, it will never come back.

Find a local Mom's group you can join, being part of the community will help you I think.

Have you tried Parent effectiveness training stuff? Two key books: (1)How to talk so you kids will listen? (2)Disicipline without distress.

I'm a yeller. I have a 24 month old. When she was around 19 months, I quickly realized I needed a different approach. I rarely tell her what not to do, but instead tell her what to do. It really helps to stay positive and to never, ever lose control. If they see they are getting to you, they will just keep it up. Try those books. Their approach is a "non-discipline" one that I don't really agree with, but they have lots of good suggestions about how to build a better relationship with your kid, one that will get them to listen.

Hang in there. I also have a newborn at home, so I know how tired and hard it is to be patient and to not let them push your buttons, but seriously, you can't let him push your button.

Yes this is frustrating, we are going through the 3's as well at our home. But it won't get better putting him in daycare, this will just made him more needy of you, and when he has less time and attention from you the behavior will escalate!

Work on obedience. Try to avoid yelling, however, speak with a firm tone that means business. Tell him what is expected from him, and what the consequences will be if he chooses to disobey. Don't give in, don't argue, be consistent, and he'll learn. Watch super nanny or nanny 911 for specific ideas, but their philosophy is worth following.

Having a second child definitely "dethrones" the King/Queen of the older child. They realize that they are not the center of your universe anymore and that's a hard lesson to learn. But an important life skill. His behavior is both normal and common. However, thinking it will go away on its own - as many mothers advise - is dangerous. We see the affects of unruly children and they are a terror to be around. Children will test boundaries, and if you don't give them the same response EACH time, then they will keep testing and keep testing, hoping to get away with it. He will thrive on training, and will not be confused, but rather know what is expected from him.

Best wishes, I know this is hard, but you can do it!

It's like this with virtually every 3 year old! It's a very difficult age. I totally understand your frustration! I stay home with both of my girls and do house cleaning. I just enrolled my daughter in preschool for 2 days a week. She's 2 1/2 and driving me a little more bonkers every day! lol!
Try and hold in there. What you're feeling is very normal for every stay at home mom. They usually get better around 4.
In the meantime, maybe you could try some playdates, maybe mother's day out, etc.keeping him a little busier. Kids get naughty when they're bored.

We have been experimenting with the Love and Logic approach with 2 1/2 yr old and it has definitely helped. there are several books. Generally, you set the limit once without getting upset and the very first time they break the limit there is a consequence. no lecturing, no further warnings. They use a phrase that signals to child that they are out of bounds. We use Uh, oh so sad Jollina isn't listening, still whining, running in the library etc, now we need a time out. You take them directly to time out and give choice whether they want door opened or closed(if they are yelling that means door closed) and tell them they can come out when they are ready to act sweet. We do no more than 3 minutes. It only took one timeout with the door closed for DD to behave much better. Even when we do need a timeout she sits there because she wants me to stay and leave the door open. When she hears the uh, oh she usually immediately stops what she is doing. I recommend the book and then choosing the techniques you feel will work for you. Some of them weren't for us.

I'm a mom of three (8,8 &10) + two from a mixed marriage (8 &12). I quit my job of 12 years when I had my first child, I did not want anyone raising my children but me, with my morals and values. My children are all different but my daugher was by far the hardest at 3 and 4 years, she pushed my buttons and I tried everything when she started having huge fits, what worked for me was putting a lock on her bedroom door and picking her up and putting her in her room telling her (not yelling) when you can speak to me in a normal voice you let me know I'll check on you in 10 min. then I would leave and not come back for 10 min. eventually she learned yelling and cryiong got her nowhere fast. Stay calm do not yell be in control always they learn and mimic everything we do through repetition.
Good Luck (think deep breathing)
Being a stay at home mom is the most non paid, non valued hardest job in the world but it's so worth it to know your children and to be there for them.
C.

I have a 3 year old, 2.5 year old, and a 7 month old. I'm also a yeller, and wish it weren't so. I find that praising my boys works better than the loudest or most stern yell I have. They LOVE positives! And part of it is definitely the independence and age - my 3 year old is definitely dancing on my last nerve recently! (is it this time of year too?!)

Is there a class you could enroll him in (low cost or free = Library, YMCA, MOPS, BSF, preschool, etc) that you guys could do together or that he could go to so you could get some time apart? The Mommy in me always feels "fresh" when me and my kids have had some time apart. Not that we don't love our children, of course!

You're not alone. Hang in there, you're doing great work!

I sounded like you three months a go. My three year old daughter was driving me crazy, and I was at my wits end. Looking for answers, I got a book from the library: "Love & Logic for early childhood." Or something like that. I have started implementing some of those techniques, and it has made a world of a difference. No she is still not perfect, we still have issues of her talking back & not listening, but its still a huge improvement over 3 months ago. The biggest thing: stop Yelling. I KNOW its hard, its your first instinct but that is part of the problem. When I stopped yelling so much, that's when the changes in her started! Good luck

my kids we're the same way terrible threes not twos. It sounds very normal. For my son I had to have him do way more physical activity than my daughter. I got a mini trampoline and he still bounces on that all the time at age 9! I had crawling races and played animal games he would be different animals. We made forts from the chairs etc.I played tickle monster running around the house alot just to tire him out . As the weather is better to the park letting him climb all over the equipment just more physical stuff to get the energy out. Read the books by aims "your three year old, your four year old etc.. they are great and make you see your child is normal. I also read positive discipline that was great too. Your doing a great job. Make sure yo take extra B vitamins to help keep your stress down. Good Luck

I understand the exhaustion; my son will be 4.5 in May and my daughter will be 3 in 16 days. lol ... it sounds to me like your 3 year old is bored. I noticed you live in Techumseh. Have you looked at getting a membership to the Hands on Museum in Ann Arbor? I know it's a bit of a drive, but the museum is great; my kids love it. A family membership is 75 dollars; it covers mom, dad, all kids in the family and the grandparents. Admission is 9.00/person; kids under 2 I think are free. Here's their website: www.aahom.org
The membership also gives you discounted or free admission to other museums. Also in Ann Arbor is the Leslie Science Center www.lesliesnc.org that has some great activities. I think Jackson may have some thing similar, but I haven't been to Jackson since my cousin graduated from high school when I was eight or nine.

For behavior that is really unacceptable, do the time outs, 1 minute per year so 3 minutes for him. The time out does not start until he is sitting there and quiet; every time he moves or cries or talks, you start the time out over again. You need to be consistent and let him know the behavior will not be allowed to continue. Just make sure that the behavior is really deserving of a time out; if he's just running around being loud, he's 3, that's something they do; only give him time outs for something like, hitting, talking back or being mean to the baby. I wish you luck.

H.

There is no doubt that being a mom is hard work. Nobody said it would be easy. Try to sort out some time for yourself. Pick your battles. Embrace this time, it only lasts for a minute - then he will be a teenager! :)

Do you and your son get out alot? Playgrounds, "gunking" in puddles, feeding the "drain monster" who lives at the bottom of the street's catch basins?

My son gets nutty if we are stuck in the house all day (20 months old). He loves to be outside, or at the library or playground. I try to plan that into my day and he is so much happier and sweeter on those days. The days we are stuck inside with nothing to really do . . .ugh!

3 year olds test limits as well.

You need some "down time" - freedom away from the kids, even if it is a few hours once a week. The spa, dinner with a pal, etc. It recharges you! IF you have to, hire a sitter and get away for a little while. You know you need it when you start resenting your decision to be home with your kids.

"Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman. Also, make sure the three of you are getting enough sleep. It makes ALL the difference! If your baby isn't sleeping through the night, try the babywise method of getting the baby to sleep through the night. I had to re-train my baby at 7 months to sleep through the night and it was hard but worth it for the whole family!

I was a SAHM for 8 years until my husband left. I don't know how I'm doing it these days. It was hard to stay at home but being a working mom is so much more difficult. Hang in there!! You can do this! The fact that you're asking for help from other moms shows how much you care and want to be an even better mom!

(((Hugs)))

:o) G.
Single mom of 2 awesome boys, ages 8 & 6

I have had times where my kids have acted this way and I have yelled a lot and felt like I couldn't take it anymore.

Two things:

One: Personally, my kids have a tendency to be very bad when they are not getting enough positive attention from me. I need to go back to the basics of recognizing the good things they do (at times like these I pull back out the board where I write down things I am proud of them so everyone can see it). I read to them. The TV gets severely limited both for myself and for them. Extra sleep both for me and them.

Two: I didn't realize how bad my postpartum was after the second until my DH pointed out that I never laugh anymore. The change of working to being stay at home was hard for me and I thought that was the whole problem. I got on a low dose of Zoloft (which is safe for breastfeeding moms) and it was an amazing difference. I don't know that it made me happier, as it made it feel like I had a greater tolerance for things that used to bug me, which made our home happier, which made me happier. I used to really ridicule people who would take anti-depressants, but then I used to be the same way about people's houses who weren't spotless. Having the kids has made me loosen up and realize I am not perfect and I can't do it all.

I also started insisting that we both have a night out with our own friends. He has his poker night and I have my girls night out (no kids or kids talk aloud). There is a certain relief in not feeling so isolated and like my whole life is centered around them.

Good luck.