Speaking of Red-shirting! What to Do Now, If I Feel I May Have Made a Mistake!

There is nothing that says you can't hold her back this year. My youngest was a summer baby he was 5 when school started. I knew he may have a hard time with some stuff but could not afford another year of daycare. We ended up holding him back in 2nd grade for a second year. I don't regret it at all. I don't regret starting him when we did and dont' regret holding him back.

First of all, I would calm way the heck down. Go back and re-read what you wrote. It's so full of unnecessary, over-the-top drama that this situation doesn't warrant at all.

Kids don't "fail" in first grade. I can't imagine that even being part of my vocabulary when looking at the work my kids brought home at that age, and I have one who couldn't read, write, spell, add or subtract well into second grade.

Why are you making her re-do work? Is that your idea or does the teacher expect it? A first grader should not be made to re-work school work at home. That's just crazy and totally counter productive. Her teacher needs to see what she can and can't do on her own and with appropriate support. What you are having her do at home isn't appropriate support.

My advice would be to be totally candid with the teacher in what you've been putting her through at home with the "failed" papers (really?) and have her guide you in what are appropriate expectations for parental support. Because what you're doing should not be the expectation and isn't helpful to your child. Really, back off and let the school and your daughter do their jobs.

Does your school really do letter grades at this age? Our schools don't do letter grades until 5th grade - until then, the focus is on where they stand with working towards goal mastery - meeting the standard, working toward the standard, or limited understanding of the standard. If she's meeting or working towards the standards, she's fine. If not, then plan appropriately for next steps.

Honestly, I don't think red-shirting or not red-shirting is the issue at all here. The issue is the language of "failing" and the pressure both you and your daughter seem to be under.

And in a way, that's great news, because the problem you actually have sounds really easy to fix.

As others have said, how in the world can you fail anything in first grade? The concept of failure should not be introduced, at all, not even remotely, at this age.

What you need to do, and it's really, really important, is take the pressure off. If she's struggling to learn certain concepts, okay, fine. Then your important task is to make those hard concepts fun and nonthreatening, so she can get out from under this terrible pressure and actually learn.

But you HAVE to be calm, and you HAVE to be positive about it. The language of failure HAS to stop. If it's coming from the teacher, you have to sit down and insist that it not be used. Really, whether your daughter needs to repeat 1st grade, or whether she might need to be evaluated for a learning difference, that's not ultimately that important. What's really important is that she feel positive, and NOT unduly pressured, about school at this age. And you can fix that. You can completely fix it tonight. Just smile, tell your daughter she's wonderful and she's doing a fantastic job, and that some things are easier to learn than others, but she's your little super-star no matter what. And that's it. As long as you hang on to that attitude, the problem is solved and you're good.

I completely agree with Mira, below. Please reread her advice. Your attitude about this is WAY more important than any busywork your daughter is sent home with.

You absolutely need to lighten your spirit about this, or your daughter is going to feel like a failure. It sounds like she already is. Remember this very true, famous quote, while you are stressing over these "failing papers" of your daughter:

"EDUCATION IS THE LIGHTING OF A FIRE, NOT THE FILLING OF A BUCKET."

Stop worrying about the bucket being filled and stop squelching your daughter's fire.

Meet with the teacher. Listen to what he/she has to say. Depending on the policy of the school, if the teachers feel your daughter should repeat first grade at the end of the year, then let her repeat it. This is the time to repeat a grade, if needs be, and if the parents don't make a big deal out of it the child won't be humiliated.

Stop stressing over this. It's. Only. First. Grade.

In reading your post, two things jump out at me that raise concern.

1. When your daughter reads to you, & makes one mistake, she closes the book and doesn't want to continue.

2. You see tons of papers come home that she fails.

I don't know you or your daughter, so I don't want to make any blatant assumptions. But running through my mind are 2 things initially -

1. You as a mom are over-the-top concerned about your daughters progress, and have assigned "fail" as an assessment of her work. Because of this, your daughter is feeling pressured, and is actively trying to escape this.
or...
2. The teachers in your daughters school are setting benchmarks and expressing in a negative way that your daughter is not meeting them, which is stressing your daughter & is stressing you (which in turn also pressures your daughter). Or, she is now in a classroom with peers who are as good, if not better, and is nervous about her performance in comparison.

I wonder, if she were doing her reading without you there, whether she would be as upset over mistakes? I know there are programs where children read to therapy dogs, because they are non-judgemental and eliminate the pressures from the children as they struggle through their mistakes.

Take some time to think about these things, & with the insight you have as the parent, any other circumstances I am not aware of. Rather than focusing on whether your daughter should/should not have repeated kindergarden, discuss with her what she is thinking & feeling. Make sure when you do to point out what she is doing well, and make it safe for her to open up.

Good luck! T.

Lighten up. The pressure is coming from you. It's first grade. By third grade you never know who was held back,and who,was not. Holy cow, if everyone keeps holding back we will have 8 year olds starting first grade.
Late birthdays were always Oct to Dec. now people call June a late birthday. She will be fine. Just relax and take the pressure off. You will end up missing very special moments with her. Just enjoy your beautiful,daughter for who,she is and what she is doing.

" Now, just to clarify, she is not considered as being below grade level in any way" These are your words.

You do not want a child to only get all perfect grades. That would mean they are not being challenged.

Our daughter was a natural student. She was one of the youngest all the way through her school years. Adored all things that had to do with school, but she had times that she struggled with concepts. I recall in second grade her spelling test were not so great. We worked on this, but sje really struggled. We asked the teacher and she hemmed and hawed and finally blurted.. "Well she is just not a natural speller" We all burst out laughing.. I am a terrible speller. "She just was not a natural speller." But she has gone on to be a remarkable scholar overall..

We worked on it together and if that was not enough help, we went to the teacher to ask for more help.

To be honest, by 3rd grade at about Christmas.. it all evens out. The students seem to understand what they will need to work hardest on and what is just easy for them.

Calm down and try understand you are going to freak your child out. She does not need the pressure about "failing", when in reality, she may just need to take a bit more time or have someone else help her with different concepts. You being "destroyed" really? So dramatic, please never say such things anywhere around your daughter.

Can your husband help her with some of this school work? Maybe a tutor? You sound a bit intense and seem to take all of this way over the top.. Your post made me nervous, I can only imagine how your child feels.

Listen to the teachers. They are the ones that know what to expect from the students. They see your daughter in a school enviroment all day long.

Please stop...okay? You did what the professionals suggested.

What I would love for you to do is this.

Kids are supposed to be fun. You're taking the fun out of this. You're making her work nearly around the clock and she hates school now because she does not get a break.

So now, stop. This poor kiddo is not getting to be a kid. So what if she needs to do first grade again? She'll do it and be with kids her own age and enjoy it much more.

BTW, I read at a much higher level than anyone in my school. I was reading at a 5th grade level in first grade and by the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade I was reading at a high school level. I had an English teacher in Jr. High that had a machine that showed to words to a story and they went along the wall horizontally. Like watching the words go from the right side to the left side.

She kept increasing the speed until I was the only one that saying I could read it. She didn't believe I was actually reading it and made me read for a few minutes then tell her what the story was about. I was able to fully tell her the story accurately. I seem to remember it was almost 600 wpm. She kept turning the machine faster and faster to see what my rate could go up to. I remember it going up to 700 but that was just way too fast.

My point...

Even though I was well advanced to the other kids in my school in reading which is pretty much what school is based on anymore I was not advanced in other areas too.

I can't do math, I stink at it and if you sit me down to try and do even the simplest algebra I start crying and get frustrated and can get to the point where I'd rather be dead than do the math on that paper. If they had recommended that I go to a different grade than what my age was I would have failed miserably because I didn't have the basis for that grade. Your daughter might have been ready and your probably made the right choice. The professionals told you they thought she'd do well.

Perhaps if you backed off and let her be a kid then she'd start to enjoy school again and start learning more. She may also not pass this year then go through 1st grade again.

Let her be a kid, please.

Actually no, I do not agree with you at all. My third is spectrum. He started going to school at four, preschool, because he needed to receive services. His birthday is May 27th. The next year he had to go to kindergarten, it was either that or he would sit out a year. They said no worries he can always repeat kindergarten. Okay, fine. He struggled and at the end of the year I said so you are holding him back. No. Seriously?

To make a long story short he is a freshman taking pre calculus, he gets straight As except in PE cause he hates it. Can you just imagine how bored that child would be if he was still in 8th grade?

Sorry but kindergarten through 2nd are nothing more that teaching kids how to learn, building the foundation. Not to diminish what you are going through but if you hold them back for silly things they will suffer for it when they get into the upper grades.

I worried, I am sure you will worry but I swear to you by fourth grade I realized they were right and I was being a mom. I do not regret going with the flow. Add to that 60% of the kids that were redshirted in my older kid's grades dropped out of high school, no thanks.

See the thing is you have not gone through it, your child is in first grade. When she graduates high school, then you can say you have been through it.

Bless your heart! It's not as life and death as it feels right now. You only have 6 yrs of her life under your belt and you feel as if you destroyed 1/6 th of it! She's not broken. You, might be close, lol, not really.

Here is what I see. She has way too much school in her life. I know it seems as if intensifying the teaching, more study, more review would be better. But not so.

When she shuts down, that's the perfectionist coming out in her.
You are a perfectionist, too. Pot, meet kettle.
The problem is there is no such thing as perfect with people.
And control is only an illusion.

Everybody did what they felt would be best. That's as good as it gets.
From there, you need to be Reasonable. Don't accuse the school or yourself of totally messing up your child. But go in with the attitude of what can we do to make this a better experience for her. Get some recommendations from the counselor for books on perfectionist kids for you and some for your daughter.

Stop micromanaging her academics. Start meeting her where she's at and finding that ok. Let go of that perfect picture you had in your head and breathe.

Like others have said, you have not ruined her. As a reading teacher, I can tell you that if she is at a Rigby reading level 16 in mid-1st grade she is just fine! Up until our district adopted the Common Core Standards and a new reading assessment program, we expected 1st grade students to be at a Rigby level 16 at the END of 1st grade. And Kindergarteners were expected to end the year at a level 6. Now we expect a little higher at the end of 1st grade. As a reading specialist, I would agree that redoing kindergarten would not have benefitted your daughter. If she was already reading, the beginning of kindergarten when kids are still learning the letters, would have been terribly boring for her.

Don't expect perfection from her. I was just doing some math with my 1st grade student. It was hard for me, but I didn't point out the 2 and the 6 that she had written backwards. I only pointed out the 18 that she had written as 81. It is hard to make that mind shift, but if you focus on the strengths first and don't focus on perfection, kids respond better. They are less likely to give up.

In our reading program we coach parents not to correct or point out every error that the student is making. If it doesn't affect meaning, I don't correct. If a my daughter reads "feet" instead of "paws" so what. They basically mean the same thing. In working with 2nd graders, then I expect words to be read correcly. But even then if they read "a" for "the", no big deal. If it doesn't affect the meaning of the text, it probably doesn't need to be corrected.

When I listen to students read I give them what I call 2 hugs and a push. Two things that they did great! Not empty praise, but specifics. "You did a great job using the picture to help you with that word." "You did a great job looking at the first letter of that word to help you read it." "Wow, when you read that part it sounded just like I imagined the character would have said it!"

The push that I give them is ONE thing from the whole book that was incorrect. Even if there were 10 errors. And I always give the reader a chance to reread the sentence before I tell her what was incorrect. If she reads it correctly I praise her for fixing the mistake that she made earlier. If she still struggles with it I help her figure it out.

When I read to kids, I purposly make mistakes. Then I model how I fix those mistakes. I make the comment, "Oh, that didn't sound right!" or "Oh, that didn't make sense!" Then I go back and reread it. I don't say anything derogatory about my error. Not even something as benign as "Silly me!" When I'm fixing my mistake I talk aloud about what I can do--look at the picture, use the first sound, look for a chunk of the word that I know, think about what would make sense. I do the same thing with my own kids at home. When I make a mistake, I try really hard not to make a big deal out of it and show my kids that I can fix the mistake.

At the conference, I would ask the teacher what the expectation is for work that comes home. I know that most of the things that my 1st grade daughter brings home are not anywhere near perfect. They aren't graded, and she isn't expected to redo or correct them. I have her tell me about the assignment and ask a couple of questions about it, but I don't point out her errors or make her correct them. With the move to Common Core Standards, teachers are doing a lot less with worksheets and homework. Students are doing more authentic pieces of work in the classroom. To be honest, in the 1st grade classrooms in the school where I teach, about the only paper work that I see are assessments, math pages, some word study (spelling) sorts, and writing assignments/journals.

I am working with several 1st grade students who are struggling with reading. None of them are reading at as high a level as your daughter. It is true that parents know their children better than anyone else. BUT, you also need to trust the expertise of your child's teacher. From what you have written it is hard to know exactly what your child is "struggling" with. It is entirely possible that they are things that are just being introduced and she isn't expected to know them 100% yet. A big part of the Common Core is that a skill is taught in 1st grade and students are just expected to get a general understanding of the skill. In 2nd grade, students cover the same skill and go a little deeper with it. In 3rd grade, that same skill is expanded on. I am always telling my husband that he needs to back off a little when he helps our daughter with her homework. He looks at it from the perspective "this is what she needs to be able to do eventually" instead of the perspective "this is what she needs to know now."

Trust me, if your daughter is struggling that much, her teacher will let you know at conferences, if not sooner, that there is a concern. Contrary to what some people believe, teachers do not want to see students fail and they will do whatever they can to help. They are also more than willing to let you know what you can do to help. Sometimes that means backing off a little bit.

The best things a smiling teacher told my daughter when she was struggling was this: "If you did everything correctly already I would not have a job". It sounds like her self esteem is lacking, not her skills. It also sound like you are really anxious about her performance and your decision of class placement. I think you might be conveying your anxiety to her when there really is no need since she is doing well. STOP working with her FOR HOURS ON END. Kids should not be doing more than 10 minutes per grade of homework, so in 1st grade that is 10 minutes total. For my kids that always a single fill-in the blank sheet in 1st grade, sometimes about math, sometimes about spelling, sometimes just visual things to circle. Learning should be fun, be careful your worries do not turn her off from life long learning.

Lots of other responses, but I wanted to chime in. The fact that she isn't below grade level in ANYthing, especially reading (HOLY COW!!!), says that she's exactly where she needs to be. If she goes back to K, she'll probably be exceptionally bored, and how that does that challenge her?

Stop working with her so much and know that her behavior regarding making mistakes is developmentally appropriate for her age. My 7 year old, also in 1st grade (Oct.30 birthday), started the year doing that. He was at level 9 reading in October, which is where a child is expected to be in January of 1st grade. The fact that she's at level 16 says she absolutely should NOT go back to K!!!!!!!!

The best thing for you to do now is to make learning fun for her again and stop putting so much pressure on her to "get it right." Stress the fact that mistakes are a normal part of learning, and you also need to have some faith in her teacher that maybe she does know a little bit more about this aspect of your daughter's development than you do. After all, the teacher is completely unbiased and can look at your daughter's growth and education objectively.

Edit: I also want to add that different kids are good at different things. Case in point: my son (1st grade) HATES HATES HATES the drawing portion of his weekly homework and what they do in class. We were even told by his K teacher last year that his drawing was "sub-par." Who cares??? So, he's not going to be an artist? He loves to build, construct things, see how things work, and put them all back together. However, his good friend loves to draw, but she's not so great in the math department. Different kids have different strengths, and all parents need to accept this about their kids and teach them that they aren't failing at something just because they aren't the best at it. There will always be someone smarter, taller, faster, etc etc etc…..

I am a regular substitute in 1 blue ribbon elementary school for over 13 yrs.

We see at least 1-3 1st graders (of 100-125 total 1st graders) held back yearly because they are just not ready to move on. There is nothing wrong with holding back at this point. You really don't want to hold back as they get up to the older grades where it is a "shame" and other children look at them as "failing".

In K-2 there are a wide variety of differences with the ages and how each child grasps the material.

Our school does hold free after school tutoring. Possibly you can help her by getting her into a tutoring program at school and weekly time with the reading specialist.

Don't beat yourself up. Do, follow your gut because you know your child better than anyone else.

Best wishes.

self-esteem is important, but its importance has been awfully inflated in recent years.
i don't like the tiger mom one bit, but one point she made really resonated with me- that modern american parents insult their kids by having really low standards.
it's always hard to watch our kids struggle, and i don't presume to have The Right Answer for yours. sometimes we make the wrong decision. sometimes often. we do the best we can with the information we have available to us at the time and hope it works out. for the record, i'd have done what you did.
but what if this struggle is just her getting traction out of the gate, and she gains momentum and does just fine? you really don't know, even at this point, that your choice was a mistake. school's not always smooth sailing. safer is not always better. sometimes a few rough months is worth it if she finds her confidence and lives up to what you hoped for her.
don't beat yourself up, mama. second-guessing is way more damaging for everyone than making sometimes bold choices, and tweaking along the way to account for the unexpected.
khairete
S.

All I can offer is my agreement with many of the other moms who have posted.

Many of the concepts that are being taught in first are introduced in myriad ways. Today, it was the the difference between "which number comes after 9?" and "I am the number that comes after 12. What number am I?"which stumped my son. He knew the answers, just was thrown that the questions were presented differently.

We do have to give our kids our faith that they will figure things out, and we sometimes need to explain things when they get stuck. Unless the teacher has concerns, we DO need to believe that they are okay.

Please, talk to the teacher at this conference and just *listen*. Kids make mistakes. They are learning, not just already-knowing. My son brings home his worksheets from his school day and if he's stuck or the work is incorrect, we do what I mentioned above--try to find some different angles to explain how to come to the correct answer. Keep it light, don't work for more time than you really think is helpful-- remember, she has been at school all day-- keeping her at a table all afternoon doing homework instead of giving her some down time to relax and play is detrimental to her well-being, period. Many good child educators know that play is essential to the healthy development of children.Try to take a breath and realize that maybe you need some help in gaining perspective about what is a healthy amount of expectation for your daughter on your part. Good luck.

ETA: I second the suggestion of tutoring for your daughter IF her teacher recommends it.. My son was tutored over the summer with his K teacher and his confidence grew by leaps and bounds. It's worth the money to have someone who is not emotionally involved helping them. And Erica T's post was right on-- thanks, Erica, for taking the time to type that out.

It sounds like our school might do things a little differently. They don't have letter grades until 3rd grade, I think, but definitely not in Kindergarten or 1st. And there really aren't homework assignments yet. We keep reading logs and do spelling tests, but that's about it.

My son often brings home worksheets that he started but didn't finish and some that he didn't even start. It's my understanding that it's not necessarily that he doesn't know how to do it. Sometimes there isn't enough time to finish. Other times it's because he was goofing off and ran out of time. I've never taken it to mean that he didn't know how to do the work.

You might be right, and the teacher might expect you to complete things at home. But I'm wondering if your daughter might do better if she didn't have to do homework when she came home.

Suggestion: rather than go over the failures, what about reviewing them and then finding related fun activities to support them without actually being a repeat of the school activity? Like if she has trouble with fractions, what about baking? Or eating a pizza.

Like another poster, I excelled in almost everything...but math. Math was hard because it didn't match how my brain thought. So if she is struggling in one area, like math, talk to the teacher about how to support that. And find out what her learning style is. My DD is a hands on learner. I am auditory. I have to change how I teach her if I want her to "get" it.

Another thought: Find out if she didn't get it because it was something she can't grasp or something that they offered her because she needed a challenge. I was worried about some of my DD's math and the teachers said they offered her slightly harder concepts because what some of the other kids were doing was too easy for her. Not that she was failing K, but she was being challenged.

You need to accept that as a parent, you will make decisions that seem right at the time but later you regret. It's the old "hind sight is 20/20".

Instead of focusing so much on regret, turn that energy into helping her catch up in math. You said she is doing well in all her other subjects. Use Cheerios or M&Ms to show how 28 is greater than 45. Some kids are tactile learners and they need to touch something and move it around to understand it better. The 'greater than', 'less than' symbols confuse a lot of kids. Tell her the > is a fish's open mouth and he wants to eat the bigger number.

You are going to see your daughter struggle over different subjects throughout her educational career. You need to make sure you aren't making her issues worse. Help her where you can but don't make a big deal of re-correcting her school work unless the teacher is asking her to.

parents are not very good at evaluating where their child is academically compared with their peers.. I think my 2nd grade daughter is a horrible at spelling.. but her teacher says she is just where she should be for a 2nd grader.

Your daughter is young for the grade.. and she will have a hard time with some things.. but she is a great reader.. if she can read and is socially mature she is in first grade where she should be..

she may not be great in math.. most kids and adults are either language people or math people.. looks like you have a reader.. math may be a struggle..

if she is in the middle of her class.. (which I am sure she is) she should not repeat the grade.. if there is one kid in a class that repeats.. they are the student that is very very low and behind in all areas...

The fact that you are so concerned with this means you are a GREAT mom! Really!

It sounds like she is doing fine. She's not going to be perfect in every subject and thats OK. She needs to learn how to learn! If it all came easy to her now, then how will she deal with those times in the future when they don't? This is the age where they learn these life skills. I hope that in talking to the teacher on Monday you will be at peace and know that she will be just fine.

I have a friend who is a 4th grade teacher and she says by that age/grade you cannot tell who was held back, pushed forward or neither. It all evens out and life goes on.

Is your daughter by chance a perfectionist? I only ask because I have a 10 year old who while extremely bright the moment she makes a mistake, or one is pointed out to her, she has the hardest time understanding that not everyone is going to get everything right 100% of the time. Yes, my daughter is also highly sensitive.

If by chance this is your issue, or even partly so, allow your daughter to see you fail, even if that means intentionally failing at something. Once my daughter has noticed that even adults fail and make mistakes often she has started to not be as hard on herself.

If I'm way off base here my apology.

I would consider getting her a tutor--not because you couldn't teach her but because emotionally the dynamic is getting way out of hand. My daughter has the hardest time doing "schoolwork" with me simply because I'm her mom. I was a teacher for goodness sake! A tutor will be able to look at her more objectively and she won't have the same emotional reaction. What exactly are her issues? How can she be reading at a level 16 in January and still be considered having difficulty? Is it a reading comprehension issue? Just a reading problem or does it occur in other subjects?

You just have to put your guilty feelings aside now. You can't unscramble the eggs. Instead, formulate a plan.

Keep learning at home FUN. Whatever the concepts that she doesn't understand are what you work on. If it's math or science, use cooking. Use FUN cooking. Go hand in hand with her to research fun facts on subjects that are interesting to her to work on comprehension, reading and writing. Yes, it's a bit like homeschooling. But what you are doing is supplemental work in a way that's different from what school does. As long as it's a subject she loves, it will be easier for her to deal.

This summer, you will need to continue this. The nice thing about second grade is that it's a continuation of first grade. Then third grade is a leap above second. You have time to help her get caught up before third grade.

The other thing I want to recommend to you is for you to write the school psychologist and request a psychoeducation evaluation. This way, the school can identify what she is struggling with and where her strengths lay.

Rather than beating yourself up, which isn't going to help, put together your plan and go for it. Unless she HAS to redo all those papers with failing grades on them, do something with her that's fun that actually teaches her what she's not understanding. The next time she takes that kind of test, she'll do better.

Good luck.

awww mommy, break time. you will look back at this problem, and laugh. not that i don't understand how heartbroken you are, but i'm telling you, this isn't a problem. she isn't performing well in tests, well she is young, and this is all new. kindergarten doesn't have the testing other grades have, so she needs more time to catch up. if i were you, i'd have her be with her peers. she should repeat first grade, not because she is failing, but because that extra year will prove to be beneficial for her, and she will thrive. like another mom here said, it's third grade when things kinda turn more serious in regards to testing, and i agree with that. good luck.

I would move her to kindergarten NOW.

"professionals" don't know everything. I've had some very bad advice from "professionals". Now you know to go with your gut. Although your daughter doesn't have to be nor can she be the *best*, being the youngest is not easy on a child, and she is a prime example.